,P>T #c 
,! ,LOVES ( ,?REE ,G5]ATIONS 

,PEOPLE 3 

,AU?OR 3 ,ALEX&RA ,KOLLONTAI 

,TEXT 3 

 ,C,O,M,+ TO MY (FICE ONE MORN+ ,I F\ND1 AMONG ! PILE ( 
 PRIVATE & BUS9ESS LETT]S ON MY DESK1 A ?ICK 5VELOPE ?AT 
 IMM$IATELY >RE/$ MY ATT5TION4 ,?9K+ IT MI<T CONTA9 A 
 NEWSPAP] >TICLE1 ,I OP5$ IT4 ,IT WAS A LETT]1 AN 
 EXTRAORD9>ILY LONG LETT]4 ,! SIGNATURE4444,OLGA 
 ,WASSEL[SKAYA4 ,I LOOK$ AT IT ?\<TFULLY4 

 ,I KNEW ,COMRADE ,OLGA ,S]GEJEWNA ,WASSEL[SKAYA AS AN ORGANIZ] HOLD+ A RESPONSIBLE POSITION 9 ! ,SOVIET ,REPUBLIC4 ,I ALSO KNEW ?AT %E WAS NOT EV5 REMOTELY 9T]E/$ 9 ! WORK AMONG WOM5 9 :I* ,I HAPP5$ TO BE 5GAG$ AT ! TIME4 ,:AT HAD PROMPT$ H] TO WRITE ?IS 5DLESS LETT]8 ,GLANC+ AT ! 5VELOPE ONCE MORE ,I NOTIC$ ! WORDS 0,/RICTLY ,P]SONAL0 WRITT5 9 L>GE LETT]S ACROSS ! CORN]4 

 0,P]SONAL80 ,P]SONAL LETT]S FROM WOM5 USUALLY MEAN FAMILY 
 TRAG$IES1 ) A PLEA = ADVICE & UND]/&+4 ,WAS IT 
 POSSIBLE ?AT ,OLGA ,S]GEJEWNA1 ?IS QUIET1 SELF-CONTA9$ 
 WOMAN4448 ,IT WAS UN?9KABLE6 

 ,I C\LD NOT READ ! LATT] AT ! MOM5T2 URG5T MATT]S 
 CLAMOR$ = IMM$IATE ATT5TION1 & ! LETT] WAS OBVI\SLY 
 TOO LONG & TOO S]I\S = HA/Y P]USAL4 ,BUT AS ,I WORK$1 MY 
 ?\<TS RETURN$ 9VOLUNT>ILY TO ! LETT] & ITS 
 WRIT]4 

 ,I RECALL$ ! FEW OCCASIONS ON :I* ,I HAD MET H] - ALWAYS 9 SOME (FICIAL CAPACITY4 ,I REMEMB]$ H] DRY1 IMP]SONAL1 RA!R RETIC5T ATTITUDE T[>D O!RS1 & H] REM>KABLE EFFICI5CY - = A ,RUSSIAN WOMAN - 9 BUS9ESS MATT]S4 ,ON ONE ( !SE OCCASIONS ,I HAD ALSO MADE ! ACQUA9TANCE ( H] HUSB&1 A =M] WORK+MAN1 :OSE FRANK1 PLEAS+ APPE>ANCE MADE HIM BELOV$ & POPUL> :]EV] HE W5T1 AL?\< %E WAS PROBABLY MORE WIDELY KN[N & RESPECT$ ?AN HE4 ,%E WAS HIS SUP]IOR 9 ! ORGANIZATION 9 :I* !Y W]E BO? EMPLOY$4 ,HE WAS SOME:AT Y\NG] ?AN %E4 ,P]HAPS ?IS M>RIAGE 444 BUT !Y HAD ALWAYS SEEM$ TO BE 9 SU* P]FECT ACCORD ) ONE ANO!R ?AT ONE WAS IMPRESS$ ) A S5SE ( H>MONY & P]FECT COMRADE%IP :5EV] ONE SAW ! TWO TOGE!R4 ,HE ADMIR$ H] UNRES]V$LY4 

 ,I RECALL$ ONE OCCASION :5 HE HAD SAID1 9 MY HE>+3 0,BUT Y\ HE>D :AT ,OLGA ,S]GEJEWNA  
?9KS AB\T IT4 ,:Y DO Y\ CONT9UE TO >GUE ! MATT]80 ,TO HIM %E WAS ! SUPREME AU?ORITY4 

 ,%E1 TOO1 WAS EXTREMELY FOND ( HIM1 ?\< 9 A MORE MAT]NAL 
 WAY4 ,I RECALL$ ANO!R TIME  - IT WAS DUR+ A ,CONGRESS AT :I* 
 WE W]E BO? DELEGATES - H[ H] FACE HAD S(T5$ & LO/ ITS 
 HAU<TY RES]VE & SEV]ITY :5 !Y BR\<T H] ! NEWS ?AT 
 HE WAS ILL4 ,HE WAS (T5 ILL4 ,P]HAPS ?IS PHYSICAL WEAKNESS 
 ?AT KEPT H] 9 CON/ANT FE> = HIS LIFE HAD WORN D[N H] 
 RES]VE4 ,BUT :Y %\LD %E WRITE TO ME8 ,= SYMPA?Y8 ,%E WAS 
 NOT ! WOMAN TO WRITE A LETT] LIKE ?IS )\T A MORE S]I\S 
 REASON4 

 ,I HAD NO OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE UP ?IS LETT] ?AT HAD TAK5 SU* HOLD ON MY ?\<TS UNTIL ,I RETURN$ TO MY ROOM ?AT EV5+4 
  

 0,I AM WRIT+ TO Y\ PRIVATELY1 AS ONE COMRADE TO ANO!R4 ,I AM WRIT+ TO Y\ BECAUSE Y\ >E A WOMAN1 & BECAUSE ,I KN[ ?AT Y\ >E (T5 CONFRONT$ ) PROBLEMS ( ?IS K9D4 ,P]HAPS Y\ WILL BE ABLE TO HELP ME F9D A WAY \T ( ! T]RIBLE DEPRESSION ?AT HAS TAK5 HOLD ( ME4 

 0,9 ! =TY-?REE YE>S ( MY LIFE ,I HAVE NEV] BE5 SO RIDICUL\SLY AT A LOSS4 

 0,Y\ KN[ ME AS AN EFFICI5T WORK]4 ,I KN[ ?AT ,I AM G5]ALLY 
 REG>D$ AS SEV]E & P$ANTIC4 ,CAN Y\ IMAG9E ME AS ! H]O9E 
 ( A LOVE TRAG$Y - A COMMON1 TRIVIA'1 VAUDEVILLE SORT 
( TRAG$Y1 ?AT1 BECAUSE ( ITS V]Y TRIVIALITY1 IS SO MU* ! H>D] TO BE>8 ,ONLY ! ?\<T ?AT ITS TRIVIALITY IS SUP]FICIAL1 ?AT !RE IS A GREAT] & DEEP] SIGNIFICANCE BEH9D ! SITUATION UND] :I* ,I AM SUFF]+1 MAKES IT POSSIBLE = ME TO COME TO Y\4 ,W]E IT M]ELY A P]SONAL AFFAIR1 ,I %\LD BE> IT AS BE/ ,I CAN1 BUT ,I AM SURE ?AT1 9 ! LA/ ANALYSIS1 MY EXP]I5CE IS ! IMM$IATE RESULT ( ?AT OV]TURN+ ( EV]Y ACCEPT$ CONCEPTION ( LIFE & SOCIAL RELATION%IP ?AT IS TAK+ PLACE 9 ,RUSSIA AT ! PRES5T TIME4 ,SIDE BY SIDE ) GREATNESS & CREATIVE G5IUS1 VICE & D>KNESS /ILL WORK !IR EVIL WAYS4 

 0,I BELIEVE ?AT MY EXP]I5CE IS NOT UNCOMMON1 & ,I %UDD] AT 
 ! ?\<T4 ,IT FILLS ME ) PHYSICAL NAUSEA4 ,AM ,I WRONG8 ,IS MY 
 \TLOOK ON LIFE /ILL CONTROLL$ BY OLD1 \TLIV$ CONCEPTIONS8 
 ,DO ! PREJUDICES ( AN OV]?R[N B\RGEOISIE /ILL CONTROL MY 
 FEEL+S1 SO ?AT ,I TAKE A DI/ORT$ VIEW ( A P]FECTLY NATURAL 
 SITUATION8 ,SO MY DAU<T]  
9SI/S1 & ,COMRADE ,RJABKOV1 MY HUSB&1 AGREES 
) H]4 ,:O IS RI<T8 ,!Y8 ,OR ,I8 ,HELP ME TO F9D ! WAY1 TELL ME IF ,I AM WRONG1 IF IT IS TRUE ?AT ONLY B\RGEOIS PREJUDICE IS AT ! ROOT ( MY HORROR40 
  

 ,H]E ! LETT] /OPP$4 ,ON A NEW PAGE1 9 A /EADI]1 OBVI\SLY MORE CONTROLL$ H&1 ,OLGA ,S]GEJEWNA CONT9U$3 
  

 0,I %\LD LIKE TO TELL Y\ AT ONCE ( ?IS TRAG$Y ?AT IS TE>+ MY S\L1 BUT Y\ W\LD GET ONLY A DI/ORT$ PICTURE ( :AT IS GO+ ON )9 ME IF ,I W]E TO TELL Y\ ( !SE REC5T OCCURR5CES )\T GIV+ Y\ AN 9SI<T 9TO ! PA/4 ,Y\ W\LD BE 9CL9$ TO OV]-EMPHASIZE SUP]FICIAL 9CID5TS1 :ILE FAIL+ TO RECOGNIZE ?AT !Y PLAY NO P>T 9 MY UNHAPP9ESS4 ,?IS IS NOT ! COMMONPLACE TRAG$Y ( A WOMAN :O IS LOS+ ! MAN %E LOVES4 ,IT IS ALL SO MU* MORE COMPLICAT$ & POIGNANT4 ,NOR IS IT ?AT ,I FAIL TO UND]/& :AT HAS HAPP5$4 ,ONLY ! MOTIVES444! MOTIVES4444,I PLEAD ) Y\ TO BE PATI5T4 ,READ MY LETT] TO ! 5D4 ,REMEMB]1 IT IS A COMRADE 9 DEEPE/ DI/RESS :O WRITES TO Y\1 ASK+ = COMRADELY ADVICE & ASSI/ANCE40 
  

 ,!RE W]E FREQU5T ]ASURES4 ,H]E AN 5TIRE P>AGRAPH HAD BE5 CROSS$ \T4 ,! LETT] CONT9U$ ON ! NEXT PAGE3 
  

 0,Y\ REMEMB] MY MO!R1 DO Y\ NOT8 ,%E IS /ILL ALIVE1 & HAS *>GE ( ! TRAVEL+ LIBR>Y 9 ! ,PROV9CE ,N41 :]E %E IS AN IMPORTANT MEMB] ( ! COMMITTEE = PUBLIC $UCATION40 
  

 ,I REMEMB]$ H] MO!R WELL1 ,M>JA ,/EPAN[NA1 A TYPICAL PROPAG&I/ ( ! '#i'S1 PUBLI%] ( POPUL> SCI5TIFIC BOOKS1 TRANSLATOR ( 
SOCIALI/ PAMPHLETS1 & 9DEFATIGABLE WORK] 9 ! FIELD ( PUBLIC $UCATION4 ,%E WAS UNIV]SALLY RESPECT$ & HONOR$ AMONG ! LIB]AL POLITICAL WORK]S ( H] TIME1 :ILE UND]GR\ND REVOLUTIONI/S HELD H] 9 HI< E/EEM = MORE ?AN ONE GREAT S]VICE %E HAD R5D]$ !IR CAUSE4 ,! CIRCLE ( H] FRI5DS & ADMIR]S WAS L>GE & V>I$4 

 ,9 H] POLITICAL VIEWS %E APPROA*$ ! ,N>ODNIKI1 )\T1 
 H[EV]1 BECOM+ POLITICALLY ACTIVE4 ,BOOKS1 S*OOLS & 
 LIBR>IES = ! POOR & = ! PEASANTRY W]E H] 
 PASSION4 ,%E DI$ %ORTLY AFT] ,I RECEIV$ H] DAU<T]'S 
 LETT]1 & LOCAL LABOR ORGANIZATIONS AS WELL AS REPRES5TATIVES 
 ( ! ,SOVIETS & ( ! ,P>TY /OOD AT H] C(F9 AL?\< %E 
 HAD NEV] JO9$ EI!R A POLITICAL P>TY OR A LABOR 
 ORGANIZATION4 

 ,%E HAD BE5 A TALL1 SL5D] WOMAN ) A H&SOME1 IMP]I\S HEAD1 9TELLIG5T EYES & EXPRESSIVE FEATURES4 ,H] P]SONALITY COMM&$ REV]5CE - 9DE$1 %E 9SPIR$ TIMIDITY 9 ?OSE :O KNEW H] LESS WELL ?AN WE4 ,%E SPOKE 9 BRIEF1 CONCISE S5T5CES1 ) A FIRM1 CLE> VOICE4 ,USUALLY !RE WAS A CIG>ETTE BETWE5 H] LIPS4 ,%E WAS ALWAYS SIMPLY DRESS$ 9 A /YLE ( H] [N ?AT C>$ NO?+ AB\T CURR5T FA%IONS4 ,H] H&S1 P>TICUL>LY1 HAD ALWAYS IMPRESS$ ME1 !Y W]E SO BEAUTIFUL1 SO C>EFULLY GROOM$ - ! H&S ( A 0LADY40 ,ON H] R+ F+] %E ALWAYS WORE A HEAVY GOLD R+ ) A D>K RUBY4 

 0,Y\ MAY NOT KN[0 - ,I TURN$ FROM MY ?\<TS TO ,OLGA 
 ,S]GEJEWNA'S LETT] -  0?AT MY MO!R1 TOO1 9 H] Y\NG] DAYS1 
 LIV$ ?R\< A TRAGIC LOVE AFFAIR1 & ?AT %E CAME \T ( 
 IT - OR RA!R - W5T 9TO IT - ) A V]Y DEF9ITE MORAL CODE ( 
 H] [N 9 ! QUE/ION ( SEXUAL RELATION%IPS4 ,%E CONDEMN$ 
 )\T M]CY ?OSE :O FAIL$ TO LIVE UP TO ?IS CODE ( H]S2 
 9 H] HE>T ( HE>TS %E DESPIS$ !M1 ?\< %E WAS ALWAYS 
 A GOOD-HE>T$1 SUP]IOR P]SONALITY 9 ! BROADE/ S5SE ( 
 ?AT WORD4 ,9 ?IS QUE/ION1 H[EV]1 %E WAS 9TOL]ANT TO ! 
 PO9T ( P$ANTRY4 

 0,IT HAS BE5 ! G5]AL ASSUMPTION ?AT WE BECAME /RANG]S TO ONE ANO!R BECAUSE ( POLITICAL DIFF]5CES4 ,?IS IS NOT TRUE4 ,\R OP9IONS ( :AT IS RI<T & P]MISSIBLE 9 RELATIONS BETWE5 M5 & WOM5 CLA%$ :5 MY DRAMA FIR/ UNFOLD$ ITSELF4 

 0,MY MO!R M>RI$ AN (FIC] MU* AGA9/ ! WILL ( H] 
 P>5TS4 ,AS ! HAPPY WIFE ( ! COMM&] ( A REGIM5T %E 
 GAVE BIR? TO TWO SONS1 & WAS G5]ALLY CONSID]$ A MODEL 
 H\SEWIFE4 

 0,BUT PRES5TLY ! /AGNANT LIFE ?AT IS F\ND EV]Y:]E 9 MILIT>Y CIRCLES1 A LIFE ( :I* ! ONLY \T/&+ *>ACT]I/IC IS IT EXTRAVAGANT /YLE ( LIV+1 BECAME OPPRESSIVE TO ONE ( H] ACTIVE TEMP]AM5T4 ,Y\ KN[ :AT AN 9EXHAU/IBLE F\NTA9 ( 5]GY MY MO!R HAS ALWAYS BE54 ,%E HAD BE5 $UCAT$ F> BEYOND ! LEVEL USUALLY A*IEV$ BY GIRLS ( H] CLASS & TIME1 HAD READ MO/ WIDELY1 HAD BE5 ABROAD SEV]AL TIMES1 & HAD C>RI$ ON A LIVELY CORRESPOND5CE ) ,TOL/OY4 ,Y\ WILL UND]/& ?AT SOON ! COMM&] ( A SMALL REGIM5T 9 ! PROV9CES FAIL$ TO FILL H] LIFE4 ,FATE ?REW ! DI/RICT PHYSICIAN1 ,S]GEI ,IWAN[ITS*1 9TO H] PA?4 

 0,S]GEI ,IWAN[ITS*1 MY FA!R1 MI<T HAVE BE5 ! 
 MAT]IALIZATION ( A *>ACT] \T ( ONE ( ,T*EKH(F'S BOOKS1 
 ) ! CONFUS$ IDEALISM & RE/LESS /RIV+ 9TO VAGUE 
 DI/ANCES ?AT *>ACT]IZ$ ! ,RUSSIAN 9TELLECTUAL ( ?AT 
 P]IOD4 ,HE HAD ! ,RUSSIAN LOVE = RI* FOOD & GOOD LIV+1 
 & ! ,RUSSIAN 9COMPET5CE 9 ! FACE ( ! TRIALS & 
 VICISSITUDES ( PRACTICAL LIFE4 ,HE WAS A H&SOME1 /RONGLY 
 BUILT MAN2 HE LIK$ ! BOOKS ?AT MO!R ADMIR$4 ,HE SPOKE ) 
 A GREAT DEAL ( S5TIM5TALITY ( ! SUFF]+S ( ! POOR 
 PEASANTRY1 YE>N$ TO GO TO ! MASSES :O W]E CONDEMN$ TO 
 LIVE 9 D>KNESS1 & DREAM$ PLATONIC DREAMS ( E/ABLI%+ 
 LIBR>IES & S*OOLS & ( CONDUCT+ $UCATIONAL WORK ON A 
 L>GE SCALE4 

 0,! 9EVITABLE HAPP5$4 ,ONE HOT SUMM] EV5+ - ! COMM&] WAS ABS5T ON MANEUV]S - MY MO!R F\ND H]SELF 9 MY FA!R'S >MS1 ! BOOK ON CIRCULAT+ LIBR>IES 9 ,NEW ,ZEAL& UNREAD 9 ! GRASS AT !IR FEET4 

 0,IT SEEMS ?AT MY FA!R WAS H>DLY PREP>$ TO SEE 9 ?IS 
 CASUAL 'POETIC DREAM' ( A HOT SUMM]'S EV5+ AN EPISODE ?AT 
 WAS TO *ANGE ! EV5 T5OR ( HIS HI<LY SATISFACTORY 
 EXI/5CE4 ,HE DESIR$ ABSOLUTE FRE$OM 9 HIS P]SONAL 
 RELATIONS4 ,BESIDES1 HE HAD A GOOD-LOOK+1 ROBU/ Y\NG PEASANT 
 WID[ = A H\SEKEEP]4 

 0,MO!R1 AS ,I HAVE ALREADY TOLD Y\1 HAD V]Y DEF9ITE OP9IONS 9 SU* MATT]S1 H[EV]4 ,IT DID NOT OCCUR TO H] TO FI<T AGA9/ ?IS LOVE ( H]S1 
NOR TO KEEP IT A SECRET FROM ! WORLD & H] HUSB&1 S9CE %E HAD ALWAYS BELIEV$ & MA9TA9$ ?AT ! RI<TS ( LOVE W]E SUP]IOR TO ?OSE ( M>RIAGE4 ,TO H]1 LOVE WAS HOLY4 ,%E W\LD HAVE CONSID]$ IT B5EA? H] HONOR TO TRIFLE ) IT4 

 0,9 ,S]GEI MO!R BELIEV$ ?AT %E HAD F\ND ! 
 P]SONIFICATION ( ! IDEAL ?AT H] HE>T1 M9D & S\L W]E 
 SEEK+ - ! MAN %E PASSIONATELY LOV$1 ! HUMAN BE+ %E 
 RESPECT$1 ! FRI5D ) :OM %E W\LD WORK H& 9 H& = 
 ! $UCATION ( H] PEOPLE4 

 0,%E KNEW ONLY ONE WAY \T ( ! SITUATION - AN IMM$IATE BREAK ) ! COMM&]4 ,%E W\LD BUILD UP H] [N LIFE ACCORD+ TO H] [N WI%ES1 DISDA9FUL ( ! TALK & VICI\S GOSSIP ( H] NEI<BORS4 ,ON ! FOLL[+ MORN+1 !RE=E1 MO!R S5T = ,S]GEI ,IWAN[ITS* & TOOK 
HIM \T TO ! PA? UND] ! L9D5 TREES TO READ TO HIM ! BRIEF1 DET]M9$ LETT] %E HAD WRITT5 TO H] HUSB&1 9=M+ HIM ( :AT HAD HAPP5$ ) *>ACT]I/IC FRANKNESS1 & ASK+ = A DIVORCE4 

 0,S]GEI ,IWAN[ITS* WAS DUMBF\ND$4 ,HE HAD NOT EXPECT$ SU* 
 PRECIPITATION4 ,HE /AMM]$ SOME?+ AB\T PROTECT+ MO!R'S 
 GOOD NAME & REM9D$ H] ( H] SONS4 ,MO!R WAS A/ONI%$ 
 BUT OBDURATE4 ,& S9CE %E WAS 5*ANT+LY BEAUTIFUL1 & MY 
 FA!R 9 ! HONEYMOON ( HIS 9FATUATION1 ! CONV]SATION 
 5D$ 9 NEW EMBRACES ?AT /R5G!N$ MY MO!R 9 H] 
 RESOLUTION TO /RAI<T5 \T ?IS - TO H] - IMPOSSIBLE SITUATION 
 AT ONCE4 

 0,?IS WAS NOT AS SIMPLE AS IT APPE>$4 ,! POOR COMM&]1 :O LOV$ H] TO DI/RACTION1 CAME HOME 9 DESP]ATE 9DIGNATION1 & BRUSQUELY REFUS$ TO CONSID] A DIVORCE4 ,HE OV]:ELM$ HIS WIFE ) USELESS RECRIM9ATIONS1 ?REAT5$ TO KILL1 N[ HIMSELF1 N[ ! DOCTOR1 ONLY TO PLEAD ) H]1 A MOM5T 

 LAT]1 TO RETURN TO HIS HOME1 IF ONLY AS H\SEKEEP] & MO!R4 
0,MO!R WAS DEEPLY SORRY = HIM1 BUT H] LOVE  
= ! MAN :OSE S\L %E BELIEV$ ATTUN$ TO H]S WAS /RONG] ?AN PITY4 ,CONV9C$ AT LA/ ?AT NO AM\NT ( EXPLANATION W\LD BR+ H] HUSB& TO REASON1 %E PACK$ H] BELONG+S1 H] MONEY & H] BOOKS1 KISS$ H] BOYS1 & DEP>T$ )\T TAK+ LEAVE ( ! COMM&]4 

 0,! AFFAIR SC&ALIZ$ ! GOV]NM5T = A LONG TIME4 ,! 
 ,LIB]ALS SUPPORT$ MY MO!R & LOOK$ ON H] DES]TION ( ! 
 COMM&] = A 
DI/RICT PHYSICIAN AS A PROTE/ AGA9/ ! EXI/+ REGIME4 ,! LOCAL PAP] PR9T$ A POEM 9 H] HONOR4 ,AT A LOCAL D9N] SOMEONE PROPOS$ A TOA/ TO '! H]OIC WOM5 :O D>E LOOS5 ! TRADITIONAL FETT]S ( M>RIAGE TO ?R[ !IR LOT ) ?AT ( ! WAGE-SLAVES1 TO WORK = ! PEOPLE4'444 

 0,AS SOON AS %E WAS E/ABLI%$ 9 ! HOME ( ,S]GEI 
 ,IWAN[ITS* MO!R AT ONCE SET AB\T ! REALIZATION ( H] OLD 
 DREAM ( E/ABLI%+ PUBLIC LIBR>IES1 5?USIA/ICALLY 
 SUPPORT$ BY MY FA!R1 ! ,T*E*[IAN H]O4 ,AT ?AT TIME 
 ,RUSSIA WAS SUFF]+ A P]IOD ( BLACKE/ REACTION1 BUT MO!R 
 BATTL$ = H] IDEA ) H] USUAL P]SI/5CE1 TAK+ IT FROM 
 DI/RICT MAGI/RATE TO GOV]NOR1 TRAVEL+ TO ,PET]SBURG1 US+ 
 H] P]SONAL 9FLU5CE :]EV] %E C\LD1 /UBBORNLY REFUS+ 
 TO ACCEPT 
DEFEAT4 

 0,& !N1 JU/ AS !IR PLAN APPROA*$ REALIZATION1 MY MO!R 
 & H] MUDDLE-HEAD$1 T]ROR-/RICK5 HUSB& W]E >RE/$ & 
 EXIL$ TO A F>-DI/ANT REGION4 ,!RE ,I WAS BORN4 

 0,EV5 9 EXILE MO!R CONT9U$ H] 5]GETIC ACTIVITY4 ,%E CALL$ 9TO BE+ AN ORGANIZATION = SELF-CULTURE1 LAID ! F\NDATION = A SY/EM ( LIBR>IES1 TAU<T1 9/RUCT$444 

 0,MY FA!R WAS UNHAPPY1 BECAME /\T1 & DET]IORAT$ M5TALLY AS WELL AS PHYSICALLY4 

 0,NEV]!LESS1 :5 HE RETURN$ FROM HIS EXILE AT LA/1 ! REPUTATION AS A /AUN* REVOLUTIONI/ HAD PREC$$ HIM1 & HE TOOK UP HIS ACTIVITY 9 ! PROV9CES4 ,MO!R APPLI$ H]SELF TO H] WORK = POPUL> $UCATION ) R5EW$ 5?USIASM4 ,IT SEEM$ ?AT ! LIFE ( MY P>5TS HAD ASSUM$ A FIX$ & P]MAN5T =M AT LA/ 444 UNTIL ONE DAY MO!R DISCOV]$ H] ALMO/ BALD BUT /ILL H&SOME HUSB& 9 AN UNMI/AKABLY COMPROMIS+ SITUATION ) ! MILK-MAID1 ,>IS*A4 

 0,MY FA!R TRI$ TO DEF5D HIMSELF4 ,BUT ! SITUATION WAS MORE 
 COMPLICAT$ ?AN HE ASSUM$4 ,>IS*A BECAME PREGNANT4 

 0,)\T FUR!R ADO MO!R PACK$ H] BELONG+S & LEFT ) ME = ! CAPITAL CITY ( ! PROV9CE1 LEAV+ MY FA!R A LETT] 9 :I* %E 9SI/$ ON ADEQUATE PROVISION = ,>IS*E'S *ILD & W>N$ HIM AGA9/ ALCOHOL1 :I* WAS TAK+ AN 9CREAS+LY /RONG HOLD ON HIS TA/ES4 ,%E C>EFULLY AVOID$ COMPLA9TS OR RECRIM9ATIONS4 ,ALL ?IS ,I LE>N$1 YE>S LAT]1 FROM MO!R H]SELF1 :5 %E TOLD ME ! /ORY ( H] [N LIFE 9 ! HOPE ( 9FLU5C+ MY DECISION1 TO BR+ ME BACK TO :AT %E CONSID]$ ! ONLY HONORABLE PA?4 

 0,I REMEMB] ?AT MO!R BORE H] FATE ) ADMIRABLE /R5G?4 ,I 
 NEV] SAW H] %$ A TE>1 AL?\< %E NEV] CEAS$ LOV+ 
 ,S]GEI ,IWAN[ITS*1 & REMA9$ FAI?FUL TO HIM ! RE/ ( H] 
 LIFE4 

 0,9 ! CAPITAL MY MO!R SET TO WORK TO ORGANIZE ! PUBLICATION ( A S]IES ( BOOKS ON POPUL> SCI5CE1 A WORK ?AT HAS GIV5 H] LA/+ FAME ?R\<\T ! C\NTRY4 

 0,I LIV$ ) H]4 ,FROM MY E>LIE/ Y\? ,I WAS FAMILI> ) 
 ! ?\<T & ACTIVITY ( REVOLUTION>Y CIRCLES2 '=BIDD5 
 LIT]ATURE' WAS ! READ+ MATT] ( MY E>LY 'TE5S4 ,I WAS AT 
 HOME ) ILLEGALITY & ) ?OSE :O LIV$ ILLEGALLY4 

0,WE LIV$ FRUGALLY1 ALMO/ ASCETICALLY1 9 A HOME ALWAYS P]MEAT$ ) AN ATMOSPH]E ( 9DU/RY & H>D WORK1 AMONG IDEALS & 'NEW BEG9N+S4' ,AT ! AGE ( SIXTE5 ,I WAS >RE/$ = ! FIR/ TIME & MY MO!R WAS 9ORD9ATELY PR\D ( ME4 

 0,SU* W]E MY E>LY SURR\ND+S4 ,BUT EV5 AT ?IS E>LY AGE1 MY 
 OP9IONS BEGAN TO DIV]GE FROM ?OSE ( MY MO!R4 ,I 9CL9$ 
 /RONGLY T[>D ,M>XISM1 %E REMA9$ ) ! ,N>ODNIKI4 ,9 MY 
 WORK AMONG ! REVOLUTIONI/S ,I HAD MADE ! ACQUA9TANCE ( A 
 PROM95T MEMB] ( ! FI<T+ ORGANIZATION4 ,HE WAS 
 CONSID]ABLY MY S5IOR & HAD A 'PA/4' ,MO!R %OOK H] HEAD 
 DISAPPROV+LY1 CONSID]$ ME 5TIRELY TOO Y\NG TO KN[ MY [N 
 M9D1 ?\<T ,I MI<T HAVE WAIT$1 FE>$ ?AT ,I HAD 9H]IT$ 
 MY FA!R'S LI<TNESS 9 LOVE AFFAIRS1 & F9ALLY 
 ACQUIESC$4 ,WE LIV$ ) MO!R & EA* ( US CONT9U$ HIS 
 WORK4 ,WE DID NOT M>RY1 H[EV]1 BECAUSE WE W]E FUNDAM5TALLY 
 OPPOS$ TO M>RIAGE AS AN 9/ITUTION4 

 0,MY HUSB& WAS 'ILLEGAL1' & IT WAS NOT LONG BE=E WE W]E PLAC$ UND] >RE/4 ,9FLU5TIAL FRI5DS MANAG$ TO OBTA9 MO!R'S LIB]ATION4 ,I W5T 9TO EXILE ) MY HUSB&4 

 0,I FE> ?IS LONG 9TRODUCTION WILL BORE Y\1 BUT Y\ WILL NOT 
 UND]/& :AT ,I AM SUFF]+ )\T IT4 ,I WANT Y\ TO 
 UND]/& & NOT TO =GET ?IS ONE FACT - ?AT ,I AM ! 
 DAU<T] & PUPIL ( ,M>JA ,/EPAN[NA6 ,! IDEAS ONE ABSORBS 9 
 *ILDHOOD CANNOT BE DRIV5 \T BY M]E LOGIC4 

 0,BE PATI5T1 !RE=E1 ,I BEG Y\1 & CONT9UE TO READ ?IS LONG LETT]4 ,I AM COM+1 N[1 #b ! TRAG$Y ( ! SECOND G5]ATION4 

 0,I MANAG$ TO ESCAPE FROM EXILE4 ,MY HUSB& REMA9$4 ,I CAME TO 
 ,PET]SBURG :]E1 9 ORD] TO COV] UP MY TRACKS1 ,I WAS 
 9/ALL$ BY FRI5DS AS PRIVATE 9/RUCTRESS 9 ! HOME ( ! 
 WEAL?Y 5G9E] ,M41 :O HAD BE5 9 MORE OR LESS CLOSE T\* 
 ) ! ,M>XI/ MOVEM5T S9CE HIS /UD5T DAYS4 

 0,9 ?IS LUXURI\S HOME EV]Y MEMB] ( ! FAMILY LIV$ ACCORD+ TO HIS [N DESIRES & 9CL9ATIONS4 ,ON ! :OLE1 !Y W]E NO MORE 9T]E/$ 9 POLITICAL ISSUES ?AN 9 ! CURR5T PRODUCTION AT ! ,>T ,!AT]1 OR 9 ! LATE/ EXHIBITION ( ,WRUBEL'S PICTURES4 ,POLITICS1 TO !M1 WAS AN 9T]E/+ SUBJECT = DRAW+-ROOM DISCUSSION - NO?+ MORE4 

 0,I HAD NEV] COME 9 CONTACT ) ?IS ATMOSPH]E BE=E4 ,IT WAS 
 /RANGE & 9W>DLY REPULSIVE TO ME4 ,ON ! FIR/ EV5+ ( MY 
 /AY !RE ,I WAS PLUNG$ 9TO A HEAT$ >GUM5T ) MY 
 EMPLOY]4 ,! TONE ,I US$1 ,I DISCOV]$ LAT]1 WAS F> FROM 
 CON=M+ ) ! ACCEPT$ /&>DS ( POLITE SALON 
 CONV]SATION4 ,I BELIEVE WE SPOKE ( ,B]N/E94 ,ANG] & %AME 
 AT MY LACK ( SELF-CONTROL KEPT ME AWAKE ! BETT] P>T ( ! 
 NI<T4 ,= SOME REASON ,I P>TICUL>LY RES5T$ ! FLATT]+LY 
 MOCK+ LOOK ! ,5G9E] ,M4 TURN$ UPON ME :5 ,I RAG$ AT 
 HIM4 ,!RE WAS SOME?+ AB\T ?IS MAN ?AT WAS /RANGELY 
 EXCIT+4 ,SUP]FICIAL & UNCONG5IAL AS HIS NATURE UND\BT$LY 
 WAS1 !RE WAS A FASC9ATION AB\T HIM ?AT DROVE ME TO SEEK HIS 
 NE>NESS AGA9 & AGA92 ,I TRI$ DESP]ATELY TO =CE HIM TO 
 ADMIT ! CORRECTNESS ( MY PO9T ( VIEW1 TO P]SUADE HIM TO 
 ADOPT \R PR9CIPLES4 

 0,HIS WIFE1 A FRAGILE DOLL 9 LACES & FURS1 ! MO!R ( FIVE /RONG1 HEAL?Y *ILDR51 LOOK$ UP TO H] HUSB& 9 FRANK IDOLATRY4 ,AGA9/ ALL ! RULES ( ! GAME ( M>RIAGE1 %E W\LD (T5 LAU<+LY ASSURE US1 %E WAS FALL+ MORE & MORE DEEPLY 9 LOVE ) H] HUSB& ! LONG] %E LIV$ ) HIM4 

 0,?IS SMUGNESS1 ?IS - IT SEEM$ TO ME - POMP\SLY DISPLAY$ 
 FAMILY FELICITY1 9FURIAT$ ME4 ,! HUSB&'S UNWAV]+ 
 DEVOTION TO HIS ATTRACTIVE WIFE1 HIS ET]NAL SOLICITUDE = H] 
 HEAL?1 IRRITAT$ ME TO ! V]GE ( MALICE4 ,I W\LD PURPOSELY 
 SAY HUMILIAT+1 9SULT+ ?+S AB\T ! SUP]FICIALITY ( 
 LIB]ALISM4 ,I SC(F$ AT ! SAT$ HAPP9ESS ( ! B\RGEOISIE 
 & ! TRIVIALITY ( ITS EXI/5CE4 ,MORE ?AN ONCE ,I R$UC$ 
 ! *>M+1 IMPRESSIONABLE LITTLE ,LYDIA ,&REJEVNA TO 
 HY/]ICAL TE>S BY A RECITAL ( EPISODES ,I HAD SE5 & 
 EXP]I5C$4 

 0',:Y DO Y\ DO ?AT8' ! 5G9E] W\LD ASK ME1 REPROA*FULLY1 BUT ! LOOK 9 HIS EYES WAS ADMIR+4 

 0,MY HATR$ = !M BO? TEMPT$ ME /RONGLY TO COMMIT 
 9DISCRETIONS1 IF ONLY TO JOLT !M \T ( !IR PLACID 
 ACCEPTANCE ( LIFE BY BR++ D[N ! POLICE UPON !IR 
 UNSUSPECT+ HEADS4 

 0,I WANT$ TO LEAVE !M1 BUT ?AT WAS \T ( ! QUE/ION4 ,!IR HOME WAS NOT ONLY A REFUGE = ME1 IT (F]$ A CONV5I5T MEET+ PLACE 9 :I* ,I C\LD KEEP 9 CLOSE T\* ) ! WORK ( MY COMRADES4 ,!SE PROTE/$ 9DIGNANTLY AT ! SUGGE/ION ?AT ,I SEEK SOME O!R HID+-PLACE & DEM&$ REASONS4 

 0,:Y DO Y\ ASSOCIATE ) !M8' MY FRI5DS WANT$ TO KN[ :5 
 ,I TRI$ TO EXPLA94 ',/AY AWAY FROM !M4' ,BUT ?AT WAS \T ( 
 ! QUE/ION4 ,I SEEM$ TO BE UND] ! SPELL ( A CONSUM+ 
 HATR$ = ! SMUG1 H&SOME FIGURE ( MY EMPLOY]1 ) HIS 
 RASP+ VOICE & HIS C>ELESS WALK4 ,I FELL 9TO AGONIES ( 
 N]V\SNESS :5 = SEV]AL DAYS 
,I DID NOT SEE HIM4 ,! SLI<TE/ 9ATT5TION ON HIS P>T CAUS$ ME 9DESCRIBABLE ANGUI%4 

 0,YET WE QU>REL$ :5EV] WE MET1 >GU$ UNTIL WE W]E HO>SE1 
 & DESC5D$ TO H>%1 UNK9D REM>KS4 ,TO ! \TSID] \R 
 9]ADICABLE HATR$ = ONE ANO!R MU/ HAVE BE5 
 APP>5T4 

 0,BUT 9 ! MID/ ( !SE QU>RELS \R EYES W\LD MEET 9 A LANGUAGE ( !IR [N1 A LANGUAGE ?AT NEI!R ( US D>$ TO 9T]PRET OR UND]/&4 

 0,ON ONE OCCASION ,P>TY MATT]S DETA9$ ME 9 ! SUBURBS LONG] 
 ?AN ,I HAD EXPECT$2 :5 ,I RETURN$ LATE ?AT NI<T IT WAS 
 ,M4 HIMSELF :O OP5$ ! DOOR = ME4 

 0',AH1 SO Y\ HAVE COME BACK4 ,I HAD ALREADY GIV5 UP ALL HOPE4' 

 0,& BE=E ,I KNEW :AT HAD HAPP5$ ,I LAY 9 HIS >MS UND] A 
 TORR5T ( WILD KISSES4 0,/RANGELY1 ,I WAS NOT SURPRIS$ AT ! 
 TURN \R  
RELATIONS HAD TAK54 ,IT WAS AS IF ,I HAD BE5 EXPECT+ ?IS TO HAPP5 LONG AGO4444 

 0,:5 ! MORN+ DAWN$ ,I CREPT 9TO MY ROOM :ILE HE REMA9$ 
 9 ! /UDY ?AT (T5 S]V$ HIM AS A B$ROOM :5 WORK 
 DETA9$ HIM D[N/AIRS LAT] ?AN USUAL4 

 0,ON ! FOLL[+ EV5+1 9 ! PRES5CE ( O!RS1 WE >GU$ AS VEHEM5TLY AS ONLY IMPLACABLE ANTAGONI/S CAN >GUE = !IR DEEP-ROOT$ CONVICTIONS4 ,AFT] ! GUE/S HAD LEFT ,M4 9VIT$ ME TO DRIVE ) HIM TO ! ',ISL&S1' A POPUL> ,PET]SBURG AMUSEM5T RESORT4 ,IT WAS 9 ! SPR+ - ! SEASON ( ! :ITE NI<TS4 ,HIS WIFE 9SI/$ 9 MY GO+ - ! IDEA SEEM$ TO AMUSE H]4 ,IT NEV] OCCURR$ TO H] TO LOOK ON ME AS A POSSIBLE RIVAL 9 HIS AFFECTIONS4 

 0,SO ! KNOT ( MY LIFE WAS TI$4 

 0,IT WAS A TIME ( GREATE/ DIFFICULTY = ! ,P>TY1 & ,I WAS DEEPLY 5GROSS$ 9 WORK & RESPONSIBILITIES4 ,I LIV$ BL9DLY FROM DAY TO DAY1 PUTT+ (F ! F9AL DECISION AS TO MY FUTURE C\RSE AGA9 & AGA91 EXON]AT+ MYSELF 9 MY [N EYES BY PLEAD+ LACK ( TIME4 ,MRS4 ,M4 WAS PREP>+ TO LEAVE = ! ,S\? ) H] *ILDR54 

 0,P]HAPS Y\ WILL F9D IT H>D TO BELIEVE ?AT ,I ?\<T ( MY 
 HUSB& ) ! DEEPE/ T5D]NESS & LONG+ DUR+ !SE 
 FEV]I% WEEKS1 & ?AT ,I WAS MOV+ HEAV5 & E>? TO EFFECT 
 HIS RELEASE8 

 0,HAD ,I BE5 ASK$ AT ?AT TIME :OM ,I LOV$1 ,I W\LD HAVE ANSW]$ )\T A MOM5T'S HESITATION3 MY HUSB&1 MY FRI5D4 ,BUT HAD ,I BE5 ASK$ TO LEAVE ,M41 ,I %\LD HAVE PREF]R$ TO DIE4 ,HE WAS A /RANG] TO ME1 & YET SO 9EXPRESSIBLY CLOSE4 ,I DETE/$ HIS GLANCES1 HIS HABITS1 HIS MODE ( LIFE1 & YET ,I LOV$ HIM ) ALL HIS WEAKNESSES & FOLLIES1 9 SPITE ( ! FACT ?AT HE LACK$ EV]Y QUALITY ?AT ,I LOV$ & V5]AT$ 9 MAN4 

 0,NEI!R HE NOR ,I W]E HAPPY 9 \R LOVE1 YET NEI!R ( US 
 C\LD 5T]TA9 ! IDEA ( SEP>ATION )\T PA94 ,I C\LD NOT 
 UND]/&1 ,I /ILL DO NOT UND]/&1 :AT IT WAS ?AT 
 ATTRACT$ HIM TO ME4 ,AT ?AT TIME ,I HAD LITTLE *>M1 ,I DID NOT 
 KN[ H[ TO DRESS1 ,I WAS NOT EV5 9T]E/$ 9 CLO!S4 ,MY 
 BEHAVIOR WAS H>% & UNWOMANLY4 ,/ILL1 ,M4 LOV$ ME1 LOV$ ME 
 AS HE HAD NEV] LOV$ HIS IDOLIZ$ WIFE4 

 0,DUR+ ?AT 5TIRE SUMM] WE REMA9$ 9 ?AT DES]T$ H\SE TOGE!R - A DI/RESS+ SUMM]1 FULL ( CONTRADICTIONS 9 \R FEEL+S = ONE ANO!R4 ,NEI!R ( US F\ND HAPP9ESS1 NOR DID WE ATTEMPT TO HIDE \R DISSATISFACTION4 ,CAN Y\ UND]/& :5 ,I TELL Y\ ?AT ?IS V]Y UNHAPP9ESS BR\<T US NE>] TO EA* O!R ?AN ANY?+ ELSE 9 \R PECULI> RELATION%IP8 

 0,9 ! E>LY FALL ,I BECAME PREGNANT4 444 ,AN ABORTION8 ,NEI!R 
 HE NOR ,I C\LD BE> ! ?\<T4 

0,I W5T TO MY MO!R440 

  

 ,H]E ,OLGA ,S]GEJEWN'S LETT] CAME TO AN ABRUPT /OP4 ,IT HAD EVID5TLY BE5 WRITT5 UND] EXTREME N]V\S T5SION1 ) FREQU5T 9T]RUPTIONS4 ,ON (FICIAL PAP] %E CONT9U$ ) HA/ILY P5CIL$ L9ES3 

 0,I TOLD MY MO!R EV]Y?+4 ,I TRI$ TO MAKE H] SEE ! 
 DISCORD )9 ME1 ! CONFLICTS BETWE5 US1 TRI$ TO MAKE H] 
 UND]/& SOME?+ ( :AT ,I WAS SUFF]+ - ?AT ,I LOV$ MY 
 HUSB& & ?AT ,M41 TOO1 LOV$ US BO? - HIS WIFE & ME4 

 0,MY MO!R LI/5$ TO ME 9 SIL5CE & SAT 9 H] B$ROOM LONG AFT]W>DS1 ?\<TFULLY /UDY+ H] CIG>ETTE4 

 0,! NEXT MORN+ %E CAME TO MY ROOM1 SAT D[N ON ! $GE ( MY B$ & DECL>$ CATEGORICALLY3 
  

 0',IT IS QUITE PLA9 ?AT Y\ LOVE ?IS ,M4 ,Y\ MU/ WRITE TO ,CON/ANT9 AT ONCE4' 

0 ',BUT :AT %ALL ,I WRITE8' 

 0',?AT Y\ LOVE ANO!R1 ( C\RSE4 ,Y\ MU/ LEAVE HIM NO 
 ILLUSIONS ON ?AT SCORE4 ,BELIEVE ME1 MY DAU<T]1 PITY IS 
 MISPLAC$ 9 A SITUATION ( ?IS K9D4 ,IT ONLY MEANS ADD$ 
 ANGUI%4' 

 0 ',BUT ,I DO NOT PITY ,CON/ANT94 ,I LOVE HIM4 ,I 
HAVE NEV] CEAS$ LOV+ HIM4' 

 0 ',IF ?AT IS SO1 H[ C\LD Y\ HAVE FALL5 9 LOVE ) 
 ANO!R1' MY MO!R DEM&$4 ',Y\ >E TALK+ UTT] 
 NONS5SE4' 

 0 ' ,IT IS NOT NONS5SE1 MO!R4444 ,?AT IS ! TRAG$Y ( IT444' 

 0,! MORE ,I TRI$ TO MAKE MY MO!R UND]/& ?AT IT WAS 
 POSSIBLE = TWO SU* PASSIONS TO EXI/ SIDE BY SIDE - DEEP 
 T5D]NESS1 AFFECTION & A CONSCI\SNESS ( ABSOLUTE SPIRITUAL 
 ACCORD ) ,CON/ANT9 ON ! ONE H&1 &1 ON ! O!R1 ! 
 /ORMY DESIRE = ,M41 :OM1 AS A HUMAN BE+1 ,I NEI!R LOV$ 
 NOR RESPECT$ - ! LESS ,I SUCCE$$4 

 0,%E C\LD NOT GRASP 
 IT4 

 0',IF IT IS ONLY PHYSICAL DESIRE ?AT Y\ FEEL = ,M41 Y\ %\LD CONTROL Y\RSELF4 ,SURELY Y\ LOVE 
,CON/ANT9 5\< TO LEAVE ?IS MAN IF ?AT IS ! CASE4' 

 0',MO!R1 Y\ DON'T UND]/&6 ,IT IS MORE ?AN DESIRE4 ,IT IS 
 LOVE1 A DIFF]5T SORT ( LOVE FROM ?AT :I* ,I FEEL = 
 ,CON/ANT94444 ,IF ,I KNEW ?AT ,M4 W]E 9 DANG] ,I W\LD GIVE MY 
 LIFE TO SAVE HIM4 ,IF ,I W]E ASK$ TO GIVE MY LIFE = 
 ,CON/ANT91 ,I C\LD NOT DO IT4 ,/ILL1 ,I LOVE ,CON/ANT94 ,I NE$ 
 HIM4 ,MY S\L NE$S HIM4 ,LIFE IS COLD & EMPTY )\T HIM4 ,9 
 ?AT S5SE ,I NEI!R LOVE NOR RESPECT ,M4' 

 0',?IS IS %E] MADNESS1' MY MO!R PROTE/$1 IRRITABLY4 ,BUT %E WAS AT A LOSS TO PROCE$4 ,%E1 TOO1 HAD BECOME CONFUS$ & UNC]TA91 DEM&+ ?AT ,I WRITE TO ,CON/ANT9 AT ONCE1 ?AT ,I LEAVE HIM & GO TO ! FA!R ( MY *ILD1 ONLY TO 9SI/1 A FEW H\RS LAT]1 ?AT ,I BREAK (F ?IS UNHOLY RELATION%IP ) ,M4 

 0,= ! FIR/ TIME 9 MY LIFE MO!R & ,I DID NOT UND]/& 
 EA* O!R4 ,IT HAD BE5 A MI/AKE TO SEEK HELP FROM H]4 ,%E 
 9SI/$ ON A DECISION - ,I MU/ GO TO ONE OR ! O!R ( ! M5 
 ,I LOV$4 ,BUT ,I WANT$ !M BO? - ,M4 AS WELL AS ,CON/ANT94 ,TO ME 
 ?IS SEEM$ MORE HUMAN1 MORE CORRECT &  
MORE 9 H>MONY ) ! SPIRITUAL VALUE ( ! SITUATION AS ,I SAW IT4 

 0,9 ! 5D ,I WROTE TO ,CON/ANT9 & TOLD HIM ( :AT HAD 
 HAPP5$4 ,NOT ONLY ! FACTS1 ( C\RSE1 BUT ( ! CONFLICTS 
 ?AT W]E RAG+ 9 MY HE>T & ! D\BTS ?AT W]E WRACK+ 
 MY S\L4 ,AT FIR/ ,I RECEIV$ ONLY A BRIEF REPLY - HE W\LD ?9K 
 IT OV] & W\LD TRY TO ADJU/ HIMSELF TO ! NEW SITUATION4 ,HE 
 W\LD WRITE SOON4 ,BUT ! FEW L9ES W]E SO FULL ( W>M 
 AFFECTION ?AT ,I TOLD MYSELF AT ONCE3 ,CON/ANT9 IS NOT LIKE 
 MO!R4 ,HE WILL UND]/&4 

 0,HE DID UND]/&4 ,F> \T !RE 9 HIS BANI%M5T HE %>$ MY FEEL+S & MY TORTU\S D\BTS4 ,HE SUBMITT$ TO ! 9EVITABLE & 9 HIS SUBMISSION B\ND MY S\L ?AT LONG$ = HIM1 ?AT C\LD NOT LIVE )\T HIM1 MORE FIRMLY ?AN BE=E4 

 0,MY WAY WAS CLE>4 ,MO!R /ILL 9SI/$ ON A DECISION & WAS 
 ABJECTLY UNHAPPY BECAUSE ,I CONT9U$ TO RECEIVE LETT]S FROM 
 BO? ,M4 & ,CON/ANT9 9 H] NAME4 ,IT WAS !N ?AT %E TOLD ME 
 ( H] [N TRAGIC EXP]I5CE1 HOP+1 NO D\BT1 ?AT H] [N 
 EXAMPLE W\LD HELP ME4 ,%E SUFF]$ KE5LY FROM :AT %E CALL$ 
 MY LACK ( WILL-P[]4 

 0',IT IS NOT LIKE Y\ TO %[ SU* WEAKNESS ( *>ACT]1' %E 
 REM>K$ ON ONE ( !SE OCCASIONS4 ',Y\ >E USUALLY SO FIRM 
 ?AT ,I AM AT A LOSS TO UND]/& Y\ N[4 ,IS IT Y\R FA!R'S 
 H]ITAGE ( WEAKNESS1 ,I WOND]44 48' 

 0,%E /EADFA/LY REFUS$ TO SEE ?AT ,I HAD ALREADY MADE UP MY M9D1 ?AT ! FACT ?AT ,I HAD BR\<T CLE>NESS 9TO MY RELATION%IP ) ! TWO M5 ,I LOV$ & WAS DET]M9$ TO TAKE HUMAN NATURE AS ,I F\ND IT1 WAS 9 ITSELF A DECISION4 

 0',:AT ( ,MRS4 ,M48' %E W\LD ASK4' ,WILL Y\ TELL H]8 ,DO Y\ 
 EXPECT H] TO UND]/& Y\R PO9T ( VIEW8' 

 0 ',NO1' ,I ADMITT$4',I REGRET TO SAY ?AT %E W\LD PROBABLY FAIL TO UND]/&4 ,%E MU/ NOT BE TOLD4 ,BUT !RE HAS NEV] BE5 ?AT SPIRITUAL BOND BETWE5 H] & H] HUSB& ?AT UNITES ME ) ,CON/ANT94 ,HE LOVES H] AS ONE LOVES A FRAGILE1 5*ANT+ TOY4 ,%E WILL LOSE NO?+ ?R\< HIS LOVE = ME4' 

 0,?IS MADE MY MO!R ?OR\<LY ANGRY4 ,%E COMP>$ MY IDEAS ( 
 M>ITAL RELATION%IP TO ! FRIVOL\S LI<TNESS ( A ,P>ISIAN 
 BOHEME4 

 0,?AT SPR+ ,I GAVE BIR? TO A DAU<T]4 ,M4 WAS ) US DUR+ ! WEEKS ( MY CONF9EM5T & !SE WEEKS ) HIM 9 ! HOME ( MY MO!R W]E ! HAPPIE/ WEEKS ( MY LIFE4 

 0,BETWE5 MO!R & ,M4 !RE SPRANG UP A FRI5DLY UND]/&+ 
 AT ONCE4 ,%E BECAME FOND] ( HIM ?AN %E HAD EV] BE5 ( 
 ,CON/ANT91 & WAS CONSEQU5TLY MORE ?AN EV] DET]M9$ ?AT 
 ,I %\LD LEAVE ! LATT] TO GO TO ! FA!R ( MY 
 *ILD4 

 0,SOMEH[1 H[EV]1 MO!R'S 9SI/5CE DEFEAT$ ITS [N PURPOSE4 ,IT WAS AS IF MO!R & ,M4 W]E /&+ 9 ONE CAMP :ILE ,CON/ANT9 & ,I W]E >RAY$ AGA9/ !M 9 ! O!R4 ,POSSIBLY IT WAS ! CULTUR$ WOMAN 9 MO!R1 ! ,N>ODNIKI1 ?AT WAS SO IRRESI/IBLY ATTRACT$ TO ?IS REPRES5TATIVE ( ! LIB]AL B\RGEOISIE4 ,SPIRITUALLY %E C]TA9LY WAS CLOS] TO HIM ?AN ,I C\LD EV] HOPE TO BE1 & ?IS V]Y ALLIANCE DROVE ME PRECIPIT\SLY TO DEF5D MY SIDE1 ! SIDE ( ! REVOLUTION>Y PROLET>IAT4 ,LIFE )\T ,CON/ANT9 - ,I FELT IT ) 9CREAS$ CLE>NESS AT ?IS TIME - W\LD BE UNBE>ABLY LONELY4 

 0,>RE/ & BANI%M5T DECID$ MY C\RSE = ! TIME4 ,I WAS 
 TORN FROM MY MO!R'S HOME2 MY DAU<T] REMA9$ 9 H] 
 GR&MO!R'S C>E4 ,I CONT9U$ TO CORRESPOND ) BO? ,M4 & 
 ,CON/ANT91 
UNTIL AT LA/ ,I SUCCE$$ 9 MEET+ ,CON/ANT9 ONCE MORE4 

 0,TO MY MO!R'S HORROR WE LIV$ TOGE!R - LIV$ TOGE!R )\T 
 DRAMATIC SC5ES ( RECONCILIATION1 )\T 
 =GIV5ESS - NATURALLY1 JOY\SLY AS ONLY TWO HUMAN BE+S 
 P]FECTLY ATTUN$ SPIRITUALLY CAN LIVE4 ,MY MO!R RU%$ TO ,M4'S 
 DEF5SE4 ,I WAS RU9+ HIS LIFE & MY [N1 %E 9SI/$1 
 BECAUSE ( SOME QUIXOTIC CONCEPTION ( M>ITAL DUTY1 \T ( A 
 MI/AK5 S5SE ( PITY = A MAN :OM ,I HAD CEAS$ TO 
 LOVE4 ,M4 WROTE LETT] AFT] LETT]1 9SI/+ ?AT ,I RETURN TO 
 HIM4 ,! LA/ ( !SE EPI/LES WAS 9 ! NATURE ( AN 
 ULTIMATUM4 ,AFT] ?AT HE /OPP$ WRIT+ ALTOGE!R4 ,I REMA9$ 
 ) ,CON/ANT94 

 0,SPR+ CAME1 & ) IT ! SPR+-TIME ( ,LIB]ALISM & BANQUETS UND] ! PATRONIZ+ EYE ( ,SWIATOPOLK-,MIRSKI4 ,WE W]E P]MITT$ TO RETURN TO ,RUSSIA1 & FATE L$ ME ONCE MORE TO ,PET]SBURG4 ,A MEET+ ) ,M4 WAS 9EVITABLE4 ,%ALL ,I D5Y IT8 ,I WANT$ TO MEET HIM1 & S\<T AN OPPORTUNITY TO CROSS HIS PA?4 

 0,WE MET & IT SEEM$ AS IF ! ?REE YE>S ( SEP>ATION HAD 
 NEV] BE54 ,! SAME DELIRI\S JOY1 ! SAME AGONY1 ! SAME 
 /RANG5ESS1 ! SAME  
D\BTS1 ! SAME CONSUM+ FLAME ( PASSIONATE 
LOVE4 ,I WAS A<A/ AT ! P[] ) :I* ?IS 9FATUATION HELD US 9 ITS GRIP1 P>TICUL>LY :5 ,M41 9 ! RECKLESS MADNESS ( A NEWLY 9FLAM$ PASSION1 DET]M9$ TO BREAK ) HIS WIFE TO CLE> ! WAY = A LEGAL UNION BETWE5 US4 ,I /ILL RESI/$1 = HE HAD NEV] CEAS$ TO BE1 SPIRITUALLY1 AN ALI5 TO ME4 ,! POLITICAL /RUGGLE ?AT HAD BECOME ! BREA? ( LIFE TO ME WAS 5T]+ UPON A NEW PHASE1 ?AT EA* DAY DEEP5$ ! ABYSS ?AT SEP>AT$ ! TWO ,P>TIES4 ,?REE YE>S AGO \R HEAT$ DISCUSSIONS HAD NOT GONE BEYOND !ORETICAL DISPUTE4 ,N[ !Y HAD BECOME ! V]Y ESS5CE ( ,P>TY ACTIVITY - TO ME ! V]Y ROOT ( EXI/5CE4 

 0,M41 ON ! O!R H&1 HAD DRIFT$ SO F> AWAY FROM ! DAILY 
 /RUGGLE ( ! MASSES ?AT HE WAS LOA! TO CA/ HIS LOT ) 
 ! ',LIB]ATORS4' ,:5 ,I SPOKE ( ! ?+S ?AT W]E NE>E/ 
 TO MY HE>T ,I SPOKE 9 A LANGUAGE HE NO LONG] UND]/OOD4 ,AFT] 
 EA* MEET+ ,I DESPIS$ MYSELF = MY WEAKNESS & ATE \T MY 
 HE>T = HIM :5 ,I HAD NOT SE5 HIM = A FEW DAYS 
 444 ,M4 FRANKLY HAT$ MY ACTIVITY4 ,HE DESPIS$ ! ,BOL%EVIKI & 
 TRI$ EV]Y?+ 9 HIS P[] TO W9 ME OV] TO HIS PO9T ( 
 VIEW4 ,I1 ON ! O!R H&1 DESPIS$ ! B\RGEOISIE & HAT$ 
 ! B\RGEOIS LIB]AL 9 HIM1 BUT ,I C\LD NOT TE> MYSELF AWAY 
 FROM HIM4 ,!RE WAS SOME?+ MAT]NAL 9 MY FEEL+ = HIM4 ,IT 
 ALWAYS SEEM$ TO ME ?AT HE WAS MAK+ HIMSELF APPE> WORSE ?AN 
 HE ACTUALLY WAS1 ?AT ,I MU/ HELP HIM F9D HIMSELF1 ?AT ,I MU/ 
 NOT DES]T HIM AT ?IS CRITICAL P]IOD ( POLITICAL 
 REORI5TATION4 

 0,SO ,I SUFF]$ = MON?S UNTIL ,CON/ANT9'S >RIVAL PUT AN 5D TO MY IRRESOLUTION4 ,?IS TIME MY CONFESSION HURT HIM CRUELLY1 & BITT] JEAL\SY ?REAT5$ TO BATT] D[N HIS C>EFULLY RE>$ DEF5SES4 ,BUT WE CONT9U$ TO LIVE TOGE!R - AS FRI5DS4 ,M41 H[EV]1 WAS IMPLACABLE4 ,HE RAG$4 ,HE IMPLOR$ ME TO LEAVE ,CON/ANT9 & REFUS$ TO BELIEVE ME :5 ,I ASSUR$ HIM ?AT \R RELATIONS W]E PURELY FRI5DLY4 ,IT TOOK ALL MY 9FLU5CE TO PREV5T AN OP5 RUPTURE ) HIS WIFE4 444 ,!RE WAS NOT A DAY ?AT DID NOT BR+ NEW RECRIM9ATIONS & NEW SUFF]+4 ,!N CAME ?AT AWFUL DAY :5 ,M41 9SANE ) JEAL\SY1 =C$ HIS 5TRANCE 9TO \R HOME & DEM&$ ?AT ,I LEAVE ! CITY ) HIM AT ONCE1 ?REAT5+ TO LEAVE ME =EV] IF ,I DID NOT CONS5T4 ,I REFUS$1 & WE P>T$ 9 BITT] 5MITY4 ,I SUFF]$ UNSPEAKABLY1 & ,CON/ANT9 SAW H[ ,I SUFF]$ @9BUT WAS UNABLE TO HELP ME4 
,H[ C\LD HE1 :O WAS SO FRANKLY JUBILANT OV] ! TURN MATT]S HAD TAK51 BE EXPECT$ TO %>E MY SORR[8 

 0,= ! FIR/ TIME 9 MY LIFE ,I WAS 9CAPABLE ( WORK4 ,9 MY 
 DI/RAU<T /ATE ( M9D S]I\S APPLICATION WAS \T ( ! 
 QUE/ION4 

 0,A TRAGIC LETT] FROM ,M4 BR\<T MY MO!R TO ! SC5E1 ACCOMPANI$ BY MY LITTLE DAU<T]4 ,%E 9SI/$ ?AT ,I PUT AN 5D TO ?IS WRET*$ AFFAIR ONCE & = ALL BY COM+ TO SOME DEF9ITE DECISION4 

 0',I HAVE DECID$1 LONG AGO1' ,I TOLD H]4 

 0',9 ?AT CASE1' %E ANSW]$ ANGRILY1 'Y\ HAVE NO RI<T TO LIVE ) ,CON/ANT94 ,I BELIEVE Y\ :5 Y\ TELL ME ?AT Y\ >E NOT LIV+ AS MAN & WIFE4 ,BUT IF ?AT IS ! CASE1 :Y KEEP UP APPE>ANCES8 ,:Y %\LD ,M4 BE MADE TO SUFF] SO8'  

0',Y\ WON'T UND]/& ?AT1 MO!R4 ,I MU/ /AY ) ,CON/ANT94' 

 0,9 VA9 %E PROTE/$4 ,M4'S LETT]S HAD 9=M$ H] ( :AT HAD TRANSPIR$ DUR+ ! LA/ T5 MON?S & ,I HAD ALSO TOLD H] SOME?+ ( MY SUFF]+S4 

 0',Y\R LOVE = ,M4 HAS ITS RI<TS1' %E 9SI/$4 ',Y\ ROB IT ( ITS SANCTITY BY Y\R QUIBBL+ &  
 ANALYZ+4 ,:Y DO Y\ P]SI/ 9 TORTUR+ Y\RSELF8 ,ONE MU/ 
 HAVE ! C\RAGE TO OV]COME H9DRANCES :5 LOVE CALLS - EV5 
 ?IS H9DRANCE ( POLITICAL CONVICTIONS4 ,Y\ WILL MAKE A ,M>XI/ 
 ( ,M4 ,HIS LOVE = Y\ IS SO /RONG ?AT HE WILL DO ANY?+ = 
 Y\4 ,Y\ >E BY F> /RONG] ?AN HE4' 

 0,MO!R'S ATTEMPTS 
 AT CONV]SION USUALLY PRODUC$ ! OPPOSITE EFFECT4 ,!Y MADE IT 
 CLE> TO ME ?AT ,I C\LD NOT POSSIBLY TIE MY LIFE TO ?AT ( 
 ,M4 ,= ME SU* A UNION W\LD HAVE MEANT SPIRITUAL BANKRUPTCY2 
 ,M4'S CONVICTIONS & M9E W]E IRRECONCILABLE4 

 0,TO PLEASE MO!R ,I CONS5T$ TO MEET HIM ONCE MORE4 ,%E EV5 TRI$ TO USE ! *ILD TO 9FLU5CE MY DECISION4 ,BUT ! MEET+ RESULT$ ONLY 9 R5EW$ BITT]NESS & MISUND]/&+4 

 0,!N CAME ! YE> #a#i#e1 ! HI/ORIC YE> ( ! FIR/ ,RUSSIAN 
 REVOLUTION4 ,EV5TS CR[D$ EA* O!R ) ELEM5TAL =CE1 
 TE>+ US ALONG ) !M 9 !IR RU%+ TORR5T1 =C+ ALL 
 P]SONAL PROBLEMS & FEEL+S 9TO ! BACKGR\ND4 ,\R [N 
 LITTLE 9SIGNIFICANT MIS=TUNES SANK 9 ! OCEAN ( A NATION'S 
 UPHEAVAL4 ,! ,REVOLUTION TOSS$ US HI!R & ?I!R4 ,I 
 TRAVEL$ TO ! ,S\?1 ,CON/ANT9 LEFT ! C\NTRY1 MO!R 
 HA/5$ BACK TO H] [N PROV9CE4 

 0,WE WORK$1 WE HOP$1 WE TREMBL$1 WE BATTL$1 WE F\<T4 

 0,!N CAME ! P]IOD ( REACTION1 & WE HAD EV5 LESS TIME 
 ?AN BE=E TO ?9K ( P]SONAL MATT]S4 

 0,! FALL ( #aih HAD COME BE=E FATE ONCE MORE L$ MY PA? ACROSS ?AT ( ,M41 ON ?IS OCCASION 9 A LITTLE FACTORY T[N4 ,REACTION WAS FLAUNT+ ITS VICTORY2 ! ,REVOLUTION WAS *OK$ 9 ITS [N BLOOD4 ,I WAS AGA9 'ILLEGAL4' ,AFT] A BRIEF FL>E ( RADICALISM UND] ! 5GULF+ EXP]I5CE ( ! TREM5D\S UPLIFT ( #a#i#e1 ,M4 HAD AB&ON$ HIS CONNECTION ) ! REVOLUTION>Y MOVEM5T COMPLETELY & WAS EMB>K$ ON A METEORIC C>E] 9 ! WORLD ( F9ANCE & 9DU/RY4 ,HE HAD BECOME AN IMPORTANT P]SONAGE - SO IMPORTANT ?AT ! GOV]NM5T PAP]S ANN\NC$ HIS COM+ & GO+4 ,I KNEW ?AT HE WAS 9 ! CITY & ! M]E AW>5ESS ( HIS PRES5CE SUFFIC$ TO ?R[ ME 9TO A /ATE ( EXCITEM5T ?AT MADE WORK ALMO/ IMPOSSIBLE4 ,I AVOID$ HIM NEV]!LESS1 DREAD+ ! SUFF]+ ?AT W\LD BE ! 9EVITABLE \TCOME ( A NEW 5C\NT]4 ,!N ! POLICE DISCOV]$ MY :]EAB\TS1 & ONLY ! TIMELY W>N+ ( MY COMRADES SAV$ ME FROM >RE/4 

 0,I FL$ = SAFETY AT ONCE1 NOT SO MU* = MYSELF AS TO PROTECT 
 ! PAP]S ?AT HAD BE5 5TRU/$ TO MY C>E4 ,AT MY WIT'S 5D1 
 A POSSIBLE REFUGE OCCURR$ TO ME3 ! HOME ( ,M4 ,I W5T TO 
 HIM4 ,HE CAME AT ONCE :5 ! S]VANT TOOK 9 MY NAME1 & 
 GREET$ ME ) EV]Y EVID5CE ( GLAD WELCOME4 ,BUT :5 WE W]E 
 ALONE1 & ,I TOLD HIM ( ! PURPOSE ( MY COM+1 HE LO/ HIS 
 HEAD 9 T]ROR4 ,!RE WAS NEI!R LOVE NOR FRI5D%IP 9 ! 
 EYES ?AT LOOK$ AT ME !N4 ,WE /OOD FACE TO FACE - TWO 
 /RANG]S4 ,P]HAPS HE1 TOO1 WAS ASK+ HIMSELF AT ?AT MOM5T3 
 IS IT POSSIBLE ?AT ,I ONCE LOV$ ?IS WOMAN8 ,TO ME ?IS SEEM$ 
 NOT ,M41 BUT SOME DI/ANT RELATIVE :O BORE HIS FEATURES4 ,!RE 
 WAS M]ELY A TRACE ( ! FACE ,I HAD LOV$ - ?AT WAS ALL4 

 0,I REGRETT$ HAV+ COME1 BUT DECID$ TO P]SI/ 9 MY ORIG9AL 9T5TION1 TO SAFEGU>D ! PAP]S ,I C>RI$4 ,LET ?IS B\RGEOIS RAGE AT ME6 ,IT W\LD DO HIM GOOD TO LOSE A BIT ( HIS FAT4 

 0,HE TRI$ POLITELY TO 9DICATE ?AT MY PRES5CE W\LD 9CONV5I5CE HIM1 BUT ,I PRET5D$ NOT TO  
UND]/& ! CAUSE ( HIS EMB>RASSM5T & APPEAL$ TO HIM 9 ! NAME ( OLD FRI5D%IP4 

 0,!RE WAS NO WAY \T ( IT2 HE HAD TO PUT ME UP = ! 
 NI<T4 ,I CAN ONLY IMAG9E H[ BADLY HE MU/ HAVE SLEPT ?AT 
 NI<T4 ,I MYSELF RE/$ FAM\SLY4 

 0,IT H>DLY OCCURR$ TO ME ?AT ! MAN :O WAS SLEEP+ 7OR1 :AT WAS MORE LIKELY1 TRY+ TO SLEEP7 TWO DOORS AWAY WAS ! ONE :OSE FOOT/EPS1 :OSE LAU<T]1 :OSE M]E GLANCE HAD SUFFIC$ TO S5D MY BLOOD 9 RIOT\S SURGES ?R\< MY HE>T1 :OSE PRES5CE ,I HAD ONCE FELT 9 ! REMOTE/ CORN]S ( ! H\SE4 ,9 ?IS NI<T ,I KNEW3 \R LOVE WAS DEAD4 ,ONLY A VAGUE FEEL+ ( EMPT9ESS - & MY LITTLE DAU<T] - REMA9$4 ,HE HAD NOT EV5 ASK$ AB\T H]4 

 0,WE P>T$ COOLLY4 ,NEI!R SPOKE ( MEET+ AGA94 ,! PA/ WAS BURI$ & =GOTT54 

 0,BUT ! SEQUEL WAS /RANG] & MORE 9COMPREH5SIBLE /ILL4 ,SOON AFT]W>DS ,I MET ,CON/ANT91 AFT] A LONG ABS5CE DUR+ :I* HE HAD BE5 WORK+ 9 ANO!R P>T ( ! C\NTRY4 ,& T[>D HIM1 TOO1 ,I EXP]I5C$ ! SAME FEEL+ ( AWKW>D /RANG5ESS4 ,I LOOK$ AT HIM AS IF ?R\< DIFF]5T EYES4 ,HAD !SE YE>S ( /ORMY UPHEAVAL  
LEFT AN IMPRESS ON EA* & EV]Y ONE ( US ?AT 
]AS$ ! OLD1 FAMILI> C\NT5ANCES8 ,WE LOOK$ AT ! EV5TS ?AT HAD TRANSPIR$ FROM DIFF]5T PO9TS ( VIEW2 WE APPROA*$ ! PROBLEMS ( ! PRES5T FROM NEW ANGLES2 WE LOOK$ 9TO ! FUTURE FROM V>Y+ BACKGR\NDS ( EXP]I5CE4 

 0,CON/ANT9 HAD GONE ?R\< A S]IES ( BITT] 
 DISAPPO9TM5TS4 ,GRAVE DIFF]5CES ) ! P>TY1 F\<T \T 9 
 SOME CASES 9 A SPIRIT ( ACRIMONI\S P]SONAL ANIMOSITY1 HAD 
 DAMP5$ HIS OLD 5?USIASM4 ,HIS FAI? 9 ! FUTURE ( ! 
 ,REVOLUTION HAD BROK5 D[N UND] ! WEI<T ( ! MI/AKES ?AT 
 HAD BE5 MADE & ! 9JU/ICE ?AT HAD BE5 MET$ \T TO 
 HIM4 ,HE SAW ONLY /AGNATION = YE>S TO COME1 & C\NSEL$ 
 PRUD5CE & CIRCUMSPECTION4 ,9 HIS SPEE* & 9 HIS MOODS ,I 
 RECOGNIZ$ A MAN WE>Y ( /RUGGLE4 ,HE WAS DRIFT+1 
 UNCONSCI\SLY AS YET1 BUT NONE ! LESS SURELY1 \T ( ! 
 MOVEM5T 9TO SOME QUIET HAV5 ( REFUGE4 

 0,I1 ON ! O!R H&1 WAS AT ! Z5I? ( MY P[]S4 ,! ,REVOLUTION1 F> FROM DISC\RAG+1 HAD UPLIFT$ & 9SPIR$ ME4 ,I WAS GR[+ 9 /R5G? & FELT CAPABLE ( DO+ ! IMPOSSIBLE 9 ?OSE DIFFICULT YE>S4 ,I MET ,CON/ANT9 ) ! W>M? ( FRI5DLY AFFECTION ?AT ,I HAD ALWAYS FELT  
= HIM4 ,WE W\LD WORK TOGE!R AS WE HAD ALWAYS 
DONE4 ,BUT IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE4 ,WE HAD DRIFT$ TOO F> AP>T4 

 0,TAK+ ADVANTAGE ( AN OPPORTUNITY TO LEAVE ! 
 C\NTRY - ILLEGALLY ( C\RSE - ,I W5T ABROAD TO TAKE UP ! /UDY 
 ( *EMI/RY :]E ,I HAD LEFT IT TO OBEY ! CALL ( ! 
 ,REVOLUTION4 ,BY ?AT TIME ,CON/ANT9 & ,I HAD DRIFT$ SO F> 
 AP>T ?AT ,I MADE NO ATTEMPT TO SEE HIM BE=E ,I LEFT4 ,AFT] 
 ?AT HE LO/ ALL T\* ) ! MOVEM5T4 ,DUR+ ! W> HE 
 TAU<T 9 A BOYS' S*OOL AS A RES]VE (FIC]4 ,HE ACTIVELY 
 SABOTAG$ ! ,SOVIETS4 ,LAT]1 ,I HE>D1 HE MET HIS DEA? DUR+ A 
 ,:ITE ,GU>D UPRIS+4 

 0,M41 TOO1 JO9$ ! C\NT]-REVOLUTIONI/S1 & MANAG$ TO GET \T ( ! C\NTRY ONLY JU/ 9 TI@9NE TO FLEE FROM ! AV5G+ H& ( ! PROLET>IAT4 ,= ME BO? ( !M HAD LONG CEAS$ TO EXI/1 & !IR FATE LEFT ME UNMOV$4 

 0',IS ?IS H] TRAG$Y8' Y\ ASK1 AS Y\ READ ?IS 5DLESSLY LONG 
 BIOGRAPHY8 ,OLD /ORIES1 !SE444OLD & =GOTT54 

 0,BUT Y\ MU/ KN[ ! WOMAN ,I AM & HAVE BE5 TO JUDGE ME N[4 ,I PREC$$ MY /ORY ) ?IS CONFESSION ( MY PA/ ?AT Y\ MAY KN[ ?AT ,I AM A WOMAN LIKE O!RS1 IF ,I MAY /ATE IT ?US  
BALDLY1 & ?AT ,I AM WELL ABLE TO COMPREH5D ! COMPLICATIONS ?AT MAY >ISE 9 ! HUMAN S\L4 

 0,BUT ?IS ?AT ,I AM LIV+ ?R\< N[1 ) MY DAU<T] 
 444 ) ALL ! PATI5CE & ! FAI? ?AT ,I CAN MU/]1 ,I 
 CANNOT UND]/&4 

 0,I REPEAT1 ,I SOMETIMES CONSOLE MYSELF ) ! ?\<T ?AT ,I DO NOT UND]/& ,G5IA1 JU/ AS MY MO!R1 ,M>JA ,/EPAN[NA1 C\LD NOT UND]/& ME4 ,BUT MORE (T5 IT SEEMS TO ME SIMPLY A DISGU/+ LACK ( SELF-RESPECT & DISCIPL9E1 & ,I %UDD] 9 HORROR4 ,HELP ME TO F9D MY WAY4444SCOLD ME1 IF ,I DES]VE A SCOLD+1 TELL ME IF ,I AM A REACTION>Y1 IF IT IS TRUE ?AT ?IS NEW LIFE HAS CREAT$ A NEW PHILOSOPHY ( LOVE & EXI/5CE4 

 0,I CAN WRITE NO MORE TO-DAY4 ,ALL[ ME TO COME 
TO Y\4 ,N[ ?AT Y\ KN[ ! PA/ IT WILL BE EASI] & LESS EMB>RASS+ TO SPEAK TO Y\ ( ?IS NEW DIFFICULTY ?AT FATE HAS ?RU/ UPON ME1 = :I*1 ,I CAN F9D NO SOLUTION4 ,PLEASE CALL ,NO4 #b#g#e#a1 ,P>TY #c1 & TELL ME :5 ,I CAN SEE Y\ ALONE4 ,! EV5+ IS MO/ CONV5I5T = ME1 AS LATE AS Y\ C>E TO >RANGE IT4 ,I AM CONFID5TLY EXPECT+ TO HE> FROM Y\4 
  

 0,) FRAT]NAL GREET+S1 

 0,OLGA ,WASSEL[SKAYA40  

 ,A FEW DAYS LAT]1 AT ! H\R WE HAD DECID$ UPON :5 ,I TELEPHON$ TO H]1 ,OLGA ,S]GEJEWNA CAME TO SEE ME4 ,%E SEEM$ PAL] & ?9N] ?AN :5 ,I HAD SE5 H] LA/ & H] EYES W]E UN/EADY4 

 ,!RE WAS SOME?+ 9F9ITELY ATTRACTIVE1 9 SPITE ( H] 
 RES]VE & H] QUIET TACITURNITY1 AB\T ?IS SIMPLY DRESS$1 
 PLA9LY COIFF$ WOMAN - ! *>M ( A F9I%$ P]SONALITY4 ,WE 
 BRIEFLY DISCUSS$ CURR5T POLITICAL PROBLEMS AS %E VISIBLY 
 /RUGGL$ = POISE2 ,I TRI$ 9 VA9 TO FIT ?IS WOMAN1 :O 
 OCCUPI$ SO IMPORTANT A POSITION 9 ! 9DU/RIAL ORGANIZATION 
 ( ! C\NTRY1 9TO ! PICTURE H] LETT] HAD 
 PRES5T$4 

 0,BUT1 LET US1 PLEASE1 COME AT ONCE TO ! P]SONAL MATT] ?AT BR+S ME H]E TO-DAY10 ,OLGA ,S]GEJEWNA 9T]RUPT$ ME ) ?AT CLE> IMP]SONAL NOTE 9 H] VOICE ?AT REM9D$ ONE SO /RONGLY ( ,M>JA ,/EPAN[NA4 0,I WANT TO SPEAK TO Y\ CONC]N+ MY DAU<T]4 ,I WANT Y\ TO TELL ME :AT Y\ ?9K ( H]4 ,P]HAPS ,I REALLY DO NOT UND]/&4 ,P]HAPS ?IS IS ANO!R ( ! 9EVITABLE TRAG$IES BETWE5 P>5T & *ILD1 P]HAPS SOME?+ ELSE - P]V]SITY1 ! PRODUCT ( ABNORMAL CONDITIONS UND] :I* ,G5IA WAS BORN & RAIS$4 ,! *ILD  
WAS PU%$ FROM PILL> TO PO/ DUR+ ALL ( H] E>LY *ILDHOOD YE>S4 ,FIR/ H] GR&MO!R1 !N ,I1 & LAT] FRI5DS TOOK C>E ( H]4 ,DUR+ ! FIR/ YE>S ( ! ,REVOLUTION %E LIV$ 9 ! FACTORY1 W5T TO ! FRONT1 NURS$ ! W\ND$1 &1 ( C\RSE1 HE>D & SAW MANY ?+S ?AT GIRLS ( H] AGE 9 MY TIME KNEW NO?+ AB\T4 ,P]HAPS IT IS BETT] SO 444 ONE %\LD KN[ LIFE AS IT IS4 ,ON ! O!R H&444 

 0,!SE LA/ WEEKS HAVE ROBB$ ME ( MY SELF-ASSURANCE1 SO ?AT ,I 
 NO LONG] KN[ :AT IS RI<T & :AT IS WRONG4 ,I US$ TO 
 REJOICE 9 ! FACT ?AT ,G5IA WAS GR[+ UP UNHAMP]$ BY 
 PREJUDICES1 ?AT %E LOOK$ AT LIFE ) OP5 EYES1 ?AT %E WAS 
 ABLE TO COPE ) ANY SITUATION %E MI<T BE CALL$ UPON TO 
 MEET1 ?AT %E WAS NOT /RICK5 ) ?AT SP9ELESSNESS ?AT SO 
 (T5 9FE/S ! 9TELLECTUALS ( \R C\NTRY4 ,!RE IS NO 
 DECEIT 9 H]1 %E IS ( A'NAIVE TRU?FULNESS4 ,BUT 
 N[4444 

 0,LET ME TELL Y\4444 

 0,Y\ KN[ ?AT ,I MET ,COMRADE ,RJABK[ 9 ,DAVOS & NURS$ HIM BACK TO HEAL?4 ,S9CE !N WE HAVE BE5 LIV+ AS MAN & WIFE AL?\< ,I AM CONSID]ABLY OLD] ?AN HE4 ,9 A WAY1 HE IS  
MY PUPIL4 ,BUT DUR+ ! SEV5 YE>S ( \R LIFE TOGE!R !RE HAS BE5 ONLY H>MONY & FRI5DL9ESS BETWE5 US4 ,WE RETURN$ TOGE!R 9 #a#i#a#g1 & TOGE!R WE ?REW \RSELVES1 ) EV]Y?+ WE HAD TO GIVE1 9TO ! FI<T = ! ,SOVIETS4 

 0,Y\ KN[ ,COMRADE ,RJABK[4 ,AN UNCOMPROMIS+ PROLET>IAN - HE 
 C\LD NOT BE O!RWISE4 ,I NE$ NOT SPEAK ( ! S]VICES HE HAS 
 R5D]$4 ,!RE CAN BE ONLY ONE OP9ION4 

 0,HE SUFF]S FROM TUB]CULOSIS & ,I HAVE LAVI%$ UPON HIM ALL ! C>E ,I C\LD GIVE4 ,IT HAS ALWAYS SEEM$ TO ME ?AT !RE WAS NOT ! T9IE/ CL\D TO DIM \R FRI5D%IP4 ,EV]Y?+ WAS SO BRI<T1 SO PEACEFUL1 SO CLE>444 

 0,:5 WE SETTL$ 9 ,MOSC[ LA/ YE> ,I TOOK ,G5IA TO LIVE ) 
 ME4 ,%E WAS ONLY TW5TY YE>S OLD1 BUT HAD BE5 ACTIVELY 5GAG$ 
 9 P>TY WORK = SOME TIME1 FIRM & UNTIR+1 AS PASSIONATELY 
 DEVOT$ TO H] WORK AS H] GR&MO!R WAS4 ,9 H] DI/RICT %E 
 IS REG>D$1 9 SPITE ( H] Y\?1 AS A VALUABLE ASSET TO ! 
 MOVEM5T4 

 0,Y\ KN[ :AT LIV+ CONDITIONS >E 9 ,MOSC[ - ONE ROOM = ?REE ( US4 ,IT IS 9CONV5I5T1 ( C\RSE1 BUT JU/ N[ ONE MU/ PUT UP ) !SE DISCOM=TS AS BE/ ONE CAN4 ,AFT] ALL1 WE >E SELDOM AT HOME4 ,I AM (T5 AWAY = WEEKS AT A TIME ON EXT5D$ 9SPECTION T\RS ?R\< \R FACTORIES4 

 0,AT FIR/ ,I WAS SOME:AT UNC]TA9 AS TO ! EFFECT \R LONG 
 SEP>ATION MI<T HAVE HAD ON \R RELATIONS TO EA* O!R4 ,WE 
 BECAME CLOSE FRI5DS ALMO/ AT ONCE4 ,YES1 FRI5DS1 = !RE IS 
 NO?+ MAT]NAL 9 MY FEEL+S T[>D H]4 ,9 H] ,I F\ND MY 
 Y\? AGA91 9 H] F]VOR & 9 H] LAU<T]4 ,H] V]Y 
 SELF-CONFID5CE WAS :OLESOME & 9FECTI\S4 

 0,TO MY GREAT DELI<T ,COMRADE ,RJABK[ & %E W]E ON GOOD T]MS IMM$IATELY4 ,I HAD FE>$ ?AT !Y MI<T NOT LIKE ONE ANO!R4 ,HE W5T ) H] TO ! !AT]1 TO MEET+S & TO ,CONGRESS OP5+S4 ,\R LIFE TOGE!R WAS EASY1 FRI5DLY4 ,&REI'S 
HEAL?1 TOO1 WAS IMPROV+2 HIS DISEASE WAS MAK+ ITSELF LESS NOTICEABLY FELT4 

 0,?AT IS H[ WE LIV$1 UNTIL ?IS HAPP5$4444 

 ,OLGA ,S]GEJEWNA HESITAT$1 AS IF IT W]E DIFFICULT = H] TO 
 CONT9UE4 ,%E LOOK$ PA/ MY %\LD] \T ( ! W9D[ & WAS 
 SIL5T4 

 0,I CAN GUESS :AT HAPP5$1 ,OLGA ,S]GEJEWNA4 ,IT WAS 9EVITABLE4 ,G5IA & ,COMRADE ,RJABK[ LO/ !IR HEADS4 ,BUT :AT IS !RE 9 ?AT :I* IS SO  
UNBE>ABLE & SO DEGRAD+8 ,I %\LD ?9K ?AT Y\ W\LD UND]/&40 

 0,BUT IT IS NOT ?AT4 ,( C\RSE ,I %\LD UND]/& ?AT10 ,OLGA 
 ,S]GEJEWNA 9T]RUPT$ ME4 0,IT IS :AT ,I SAW AFT]W>DS 9 !IR 
 S\LS1 9 HIS & 9 ,G5IA'S44 40 

 0,:AT WAS ?IS Y\ 
 SAW80 

 0,?IS HE>TLESSNESS1 ?IS SELF-ASSURANCE1 ?IS CONVICTION ( !IR RI<T TO ACT AS !Y DID 444 ?IS ?IS CYNICISM444DO Y\ UND]/&8 ,!RE WAS NO LOVE1 NO PASSION4 ,:5 ,I REMEMB]$ H[ ,I SUFF]$1 H[ ,I /RUGGL$ TO RID MYSELF ( ! 5TANGLEM5T 9 :I* MY UN=TUNATE LOVE HAD 5ME%$ ME6 ,TO !M IT WAS ALL A MATT] ( C\RSE4 ,IF ,I CANNOT UND]/&1 IT IS BECAUSE ,I AM A REACTION>Y4 ,TO ME IT SEEMS ?AT ! :OLE WORLD HAS FALL5 9TO WAYS ( DEBAU* & UNRE/RA9T1 & 9COMPREH5SIBLE LIC5TI\SNESS4 ,!N1 AGA91 !RE >E LIMES :5 ,I HESITATE4 ,P]HAPS1 AFT] ALL P]HAPS ,I AM REACTION>Y4 ,I RECALL ?AT MY MO!R C\LD NOT UND]/& ME :5 ,I LIV$ ?R\< MY TRAGIC LOVE4 ,I NE$ Y\R GUIDANCE4 ,HELP ME TO F9D MY WAY40 

 ,OLGA ,S]GEJEWNA TOLD ME ?AT H] DAU<T] HAD 
COME TO H] (FICE TO BEG H] MO!R = T5 M9UTES ( H] TIME4 

 0',MO!R1 ,I MU/ SPEAK TO Y\ AT ONCE4 ,?IS IS ! ONLY PLACE ,I 
 CAN GET HOLD ( Y\ ALONE4' 0 

 ,& !N1 V]Y CALMLY1 
 )\T M9C+ WORDS1 %E TOLD H] MO!R ?AT %E WAS 
 PREGNANT4 ,OLGA ,S]GEJEWNA WAS HORRIFI$4  

0',BUT :O8' %E 
 DEM&$4 

 70 ',I DON'T KN[1' 0 ! DAU<T] HAD ANSW]$4 ,BELIEV+ ?AT H] DAU<T] HESITAT$ TO TELL H] ! NAME ( ! MAN 9VOLV$1 ! MO!R QUE/ION$ NO FUR!R1 BUT !RE WAS SOME?+ 9 ! ANSW]1 ! NON*ALANCE ) :I* IT WAS GIV51 ?AT /RUCK H] TO ! HE>T4 

 ,G5IA HAD COME TO H] MO!R = ADVICE4 ,%E 9T5D$ TO UND]GO 
 AN ABORTION444! LAW LEGALIZ+ ! 9T]RUPTION ( PREGNANCIES 
 HAD JU/ BE5 PASS$4 0,) :OM W\LD %E HAVE TO MAKE ! 
 NECESS>Y >RANGEM5TS8 ,W\LD H] MO!R GIVE H] LETT]S ( 
 9TRODUCTION8 ,%E DID NOT WANT A *ILD40 

 0',I HAVE NO TIME 
 = A *ILD N[4' 0 

 ,OLGA ,S]GEJEWNA DID NOT M5TION 
 ,G5IA'S PR$ICAM5T TO H] HUSB&4 ,%E CONSID]$ ?AT H] 
 DAU<T]'S P]SONAL AFFAIR4 ,IF %E H]SELF *OSE TO TELL HIM 
 444 BUT A VAGUE DISCOM=T OPPRESS$ H]4 ,!RE WAS A 
 SUBCONSCI\S UNRE/ ?AT ROBB$ H] ( H] PEACE ( M9D4 ,D\BTS 
 BEGAN TO TAKE =M1 LITTLE EPISODES \T ( !IR LIFE TOGE!R 
 PRES5T$ !MSELVES FROM A PO9T ( VIEW %E HAD NEV] 
 VISUALIZ$ BE=E4 

 ,%E HE>TILY DESPIS$ H]SELF = H] SUSPICIONS & TRI$ TO PUT !M \T ( H] M9D4 ,BUT !Y P]SI/$ & DI/URB$ H] WORK4 ,%E MU/ KN[ - %E MU/ KN[1 IF ONLY TO ASSURE H]SELF ( !IR GR\NDLESSNESS4 ,PRET5D+ ILLNESS1 %E LEFT A MEET+ ONE EV5+ :5 %E KNEW ?AT H] DAU<T] & H] HUSB& W]E ALONE AT HOME TOGE!R1 & HA/5$ HOME TO F9D H] DAU<T] 9 HIS >MS4 

 0,Y\ UND]/&1 ,I AM SURE4 ,IT WAS NOT ! FACT ?AT !Y W]E 
 TOGE!R1 BUT :AT FOLL[$ ?AT \TRAG$ ME SO4 ,&REI TOOK HIS 
 CAP & LEFT ! H\SE 
)\T A WORD4 ,G5IA WAIT$ = ME TO SPEAK4 

 0',:Y DID Y\ NOT TELL ME ?AT ,&REI WAS ! CAUSE ( Y\R PREGNANCY8' 

 0,G5IA ANSW]$ QUIETLY3 ',I CAN ONLY REPEAT :AT ,I TOLD Y\ 
 !N - ?AT ,I DID NOT KN[4 ,IT MAY HAVE BE5 ,&REI1 IT MAY HAVE 
 BE5 ANO!R COMRADE4 ,Y\ DO NOT KN[ HIM4'  

 0,CAN Y\ 
 UND]/& ?AT ,I WAS DUMBF\ND$8 ,G5IA TOLD ME !N ?AT %E 
 HAD HAD SEXUAL RELATIONS YE>S AGO1 :ILE %E WAS AT ! 
 FRONT4 ,?AT WAS A BL[ = ME4 ,I HAD REG>D$ H] AS A 
 *ILD4 ,BUT ,I C\LD UND]/&4 ,BUT :5 ,G5IA TOLD ME ?AT %E 
 HAD LOV$ NONE ( !SE M56 ,?AT %E HAD NEV] LOV$6 

 0',BUT !N1 :Y1 ,G5IA8' ,I ASK$ H]4',IS ! PHYSICAL DESIRE SO 
 /RONG 9 Y\ ?AT Y\ CANNOT RESI/4 ,Y\ >E SO Y\NG4 ,SURELY 
 ?AT IS NOT NORMAL4' 

 0',H[ CAN ,I MAKE Y\ UND]/&1 
 MO!R8 ,I HAVE NEV] HAD :AT Y\ CALL PHYSICAL DESIRE1 OR1 AT 
 LEA/1 NOT UNTIL ,I MET ! O!R MAN ) :OM ,I HAVE BE5 !SE 
 LA/ MON?S4 ,BUT ?AT IS OV]4 ,I DID LIKE HIM1 ?\<1 & ,I 
 FELT ?AT HE WAS V]Y FOND ( ME4 ,SO IT WAS ALL SIMPLE 
 5\<4 ,IT PUT NEI!R ( US UND] ANY OBLIGATIONS4 ,I CAN'T 
 UND]/&1 MO!R1 :Y Y\ %\LD LET ALL ?IS EXCITE Y\ 
 SO4 ,IF ,I HAD SOLD MYSELF1 OR IF SOMEONE HAD TAK5 ME AGA9/ MY 
 WILL4444 ,BUT ,I WAS READY TO GIVE MYSELF4 ,WE W]E TOGE!R AS 
 LONG AS WE C>$ = ONE ANO!R4 ,:5 \R FRI5D%IP CEAS$ TO 
 GRATIFY US1 WE P>T$4 ,NEI!R ( US LO/ ANY?+4 ,( C\RSE1 
 ?IS PREGNANCY IS UN=TUNATE - ,I %ALL HAVE TO /OP WORK = TWO 
 OR ?REE WEEKS4 ,BUT  
?AT WAS MY [N FAULT4 ,I %ALL HAVE TO BE MORE PRUD5T 9 ! FUTURE4' 0 

 ,%E HAD TAK5 TWO M5 AT ! SAME TIME1 AL?\< %E LOV$ 
 NEI!R ( !M4 ,! AFFAIR ) ,&REI HAD COME AB\T QUITE 
 ACCID5TALLY4 ,AS A MATT] ( FACT1 ! O!R MAN HAD ATTRACT$ 
 H] MU* MORE /RONGLY ?AN ,&REI1 BUT HE WAS (T5 
 IRRITAT+4 ,HE 9SI/$ ON TREAT+ H] AS IF %E W]E A *ILD1 
 & REFUS$ TO TAKE H] S]I\SLY1 SO ?AT %E (T5 CAME HOME 
 ANGRY & UNHAPPY4 ,&REI1 ON !SE OCCASIONS1 HAD BE5 SO K9D 
 & SYMPA!TIC4 ,HE BELONG$ TO H]1 HE WAS H] COMRADE4 ,) 
 ,&REI ONE WAS ALWAYS *E]FUL & HAPPY4 

 0',& EA* ( 
 ! TWO KNEW AB\T ! O!R8'  

0',( C\RSE4 ,:Y %\LD ,I 
 MAKE A SECRET ( IT8 ,&REI DOESN'T M9D 9 ! LEA/4 ,! 
 O!R1 ,I'#a#a ADMIT1 WAS FURI\S1 & PRES5T$ ME ) AN 
 ULTIMATUM4 ,BUT HE SOON GOT OV] ?AT ATTITUDE4 ,I LEFT HIM1 
 F9ALLY1 BECAUSE HE WAS BECOM+ SU* A BORE4 ,HE IS BRUTAL1 & 
 ,I DESPISE BRUTALITY4' 

 0 ,OLGA ,S]GEJEWNA TRI$ TO MAKE H] 
 UND]/& ! DANG]S ( SO SUP]FICIAL AN ATTITUDE T[>D LIFE 
 & LOVE & M>RIAGE4 ,BUT ,G5IA REFUS$ TO SEE H] PO9T ( 
 VIEW4 

0',MO!R1 Y\ SAY ?AT MY ACTIONS HAVE BE5 
 VULG>1 ?AT ONE %\LD NOT GIVE ONE'S SELF )\T LOVE4 ,Y\ TELL ME ?AT MY CYNICISM MAKES Y\ DESP]ATELY UNHAPPY4 ,BUT TELL ME FRANKLY1 MO!R4 ,IF ,I W]E Y\R TW5TY-YE>-OLD SON :O HAD BE5 AT ! FRONT1 :O WAS LIV+ 9DEP5D5TLY1 W\LD Y\ BE EQUALLY 9DIGNANT IF Y\ %\LD HE> ?AT HE HAD HAD RELATIONS ) WOM5 :OM HE LIK$8 ,I AM NOT SPEAK+1 M9D Y\1 ( PRO/ITUTES & PAID LOVE1 & ( C\RSE1 NOT ( GIRLS ONE DECEIVES & BETRAYS4 ,?AT IS DA/>DLY4 ,BUT WOM5 :O LIK$ HIM1 & ( :OM HE1 TOO1 WAS FOND8 ,W\LD Y\ BE SO 9DIGNANT8 ,:Y >E Y\ SO UNHAPPY1 !N1 OV] MY 0IMMORALITY80 ,I ASSURE Y\ ,I AM AS HUMAN AS HE W\LD BE4 ,I AM FULLY CONSCI\S ( MY DUTIES4 ,I KN[ MY RESPONSIBILITY T[>D ! ,P>TY4 ,BUT :AT HAVE !SE ?+S1 ! ,P>TY1 ! ,REVOLUTION1 ! ,:ITE ,GU>D & ! COLLAPSE ( ?+S ?AT Y\ HAVE BE5 SPEAK+ (1 TO DO ) ! FACT -?AT ,I GAVE MYSELF TO ,&REI8 ,Y\ SEE1 MO!R1 TO HAVE A *ILD AT ?IS TIME :5 EV]Y ONE ( US IS SO SORELY NE$$1 ?AT W\LD BE WRONG4 ,I UND]/& ?AT1 & ,I W\LD NOT BECOME A MO!R N[ UND] ANY CIRCUM/ANCES4 ,BUT ! O!R4 44 40  

0,BUT DID Y\ NEV] ?9K ( ME80 ,OLGA ,S]GEJEWNA HAD ASK$ H]4 0,Y\ NEV] ?\<T ( :AT 
 ,I MI<T ?9K ( Y\R RELATIONS ) ,&REI80  

0',BUT :Y 
 %\LD ?AT MAKE ANY DIFF]5CE8 ,Y\ WANT$ US TO BE 
 FRI5DS4 ,Y\ W]E HAPPY :5 Y\ SAW ?AT ,I LIK$ HIM & HE 
 LIK$ ME4 ,:]E IS ! BORD]-L9E ( FRI5D%IP8 ,:Y %\LD WE 
 BE ALL[$ TO LIVE TOGE!R1 TO HAVE GOOD TIMES TOGE!R1 & 
 NOT TO KISS ONE ANO!R8 ,WE HAVE TAK5 NO?+ ?AT BELONGS TO 
 Y\4 ,&REI WOR%IPS Y\ AS HE ALWAYS WOR%IP$ Y\4 ,I HAVE NOT 
 TAK5 A S+LE SP>K ( ! FEEL+ HE HAS = Y\4 ,?AT ,I 
 KISS$ HIM 44 48 ,HAVE Y\ TIME = HIM18 ,MO!R1 SURELY Y\ DO 
 NOT WANT TO *A9 ,&REI SO FIRMLY TO Y\RSELF ?AT HE MAY NOT 
 5JOY LIFE :ILE Y\ >E AWAY6 ,?AT IS NOT LOVE4 ,?AT IS A 
 SELFI% DESIRE = POSSESSION4 ,GR&MO!R'S B\RGEOIS TRA9+ 
 SPEAKS 9 Y\ !RE4 ,?AT IS UNJU/4 ,Y\ LIV$ AS Y\ PLEAS$ 
 :5 Y\ W]E Y\NG]4 ,:Y NOT ,&REI8' 0 

 ,OLGA ,S]GEJEWNA WAS PA9$ & 9DIGNANT BECAUSE NEI!R H] DAU<T] NOR ,&REI %[$ A SP>K ( REGRET OV] :AT HAD HAPP5$4 ,!Y REG>D$ IT ALL AS P]FECTLY COMMONPLACE & MATT] ( C\RSE - %E HAD ! FEEL+ ?AT ,G5IA & ,&REI CONSID]$ !MSELVES EXTREMELY =BE>+ & TOL]ANT AS !Y TRI$ TO 5LI<T5 H] ) A FEW SUP]FICIAL PHRASES4 ,!Y EVID5TLY REGRETT$ 
:AT HAD HAPP5$1 IF REGRET IT !Y DID1 ONLY BECAUSE IT DISPLEAS$ ,OLGA ,S]GEJEWNA1 ( :OM !Y W]E BO? EXCE$+LY FOND2 9 !IR HE>T ( HE>TS !RE WAS NOT ! SLI<TE/ CONSCI\SNESS ( WRONGDO+4 ,!Y ASSUR$ H] AGA9 & AGA91 SEP>ATELY & TOGE!R1 ?AT NO?+ HAD *ANG$ !IR LOVE = H]1 ?AT NEI!R ( !M W\LD DREAM ( 9T5TIONALLY HURT+ H]4 ,IF ?IS WAS ! WAY %E FELT AB\T IT1 !Y ASSUR$ H]1 !Y W\LD1 ( C\RSE1 AB/A9 FROM ALL FUR!R RELATIONS4 ,9 ?IS CRISIS ,OLGA ,S]GEJEWNA DECID$ TO COME TO ME1 TO ASK = ADVICE & ASSI/ANCE4 

 ,WE DISCUSS$ ! MATT] LONG & E>NE/LY4 ,H[ WAS ONE TO TAKE 
 ?IS NEW G5]ATION8 ,WAS ?IS UNRE/RA9$ LIC5TI\SNESS ?AT 
 KNEW NO LAW BUT ITS [N DESIRES1 OR HONE/ CONVICTION BORN \T 
 ( A NEW LIFE1 ! PRODUCT ( ! PROBLEMS ?AT A NEW1 GR[+ 
 /ATE REPRES5T$8 ,NEW MORALS4444 

 0,:AT GRIEVES ME MO/ ( ALL10 SAID ,OLGA ,S]GEJEWNA1 SUPPORT+ H] HEAD ON ! GRACEFUL H& ?AT REM9D$ ME SO MU* ( ,M>JA ,/EPAN[NA1 0IS ?AT IT IS ALL SO PASSIONLESS & UNFEEL+4 ,?IS COLD1 CALCULAT+ WEI<+ ( RI<T & WRONG1 AS IF !Y 
W]E OLD M5 & WOM5 444 ?IS COMPLETE LACK 
( S5TIM5T4 ,IF ,G5IA LOV$ ,&REI1 OR IF HE LOV$ H]1 ,I W\LD HAVE UND]/OOD4 ,I W\LD HAVE SUFF]$ CRUELLY1 = ,I LOVE ,&REI ) ALL MY HE>T1 BUT )\T ?IS NAUSEA & AGONY4 ,H[ CAN ,I TELL Y\ :AT ,I FEEL1 ! RES5TM5T ,I BE> AGA9/ BO? ( !M = BETRAY+ ME :5 ,I TRU/$ !M SO ABSOLUTELY8 ,H[ C\LD !Y :O PR(ESS TO LOVE ME ) ALL !IR HE>TS1 HAVE HAD SO LITTLE CONSID]ATION = :AT !Y MU/ HAVE KN[N ,I W\LD SUFF]8 ,DON'T MISUND]/& ME4 ,I FEEL ?AT P]SONS CAPABLE ( DISREG>D+ EV]Y HUMAN CONSID]ATION AS !Y HAVE DONE >E1 9 ! V]Y NATURE ( ?+S1 9CAPABLE ( LOVE4 ,BO? ASSURE ME ?AT !Y LOVE ME1 BUT IS ?AT LOVE :I* W\NDS ! DEEPE/ & HOLIE/ FEEL+S ( ! OBJECT ( ITS T5D]NESS SO LI<TLY1 SO )\T PITY & )\T REGRET8 ,I CAN SEE NO?+ BUT UNFEEL+ DULLNESS & H>DNESS ( HE>T4 444 ,I CANNOT UND]/& !M4444 

 0,:5 ,I REPROA*$ ,G5IA1 %E ANSW]$1 ',BUT MO!R1 Y\ KEPT 
 Y\R RELATIONS ) MY FA!R FROM HIS WIFE4 ,WAS NOT ?AT1 TOO1 
 A LIV+ LIE8' 

 0,BUT !RE IS A GREAT DIFF]5CE ?AT 
 ,G5IA EI!R CANNOT OR WILL NOT UND]/&4 ,I NEV] LOV$ ,M4'S 
 WIFE4 ,%E WAS A /RANG] TO ME4 ,I HAD NO?+ 9 COMMON ) 
 H]1 & ,I SP>$ H] FEEL+S BECAUSE IT WAS ! HUMANE ?+ 
 TO DO4 ,& !N ,I LOV$ ,M4 ,H[ ,I LOV$ HIM6 ,NOT LESS ?AN HIS 
 WIFE  - AH1 NO1 MU*1 MU* MORE4 ,!SE FEEL+S GAVE ME ! RI<T 
 TO TAKE HIM1 ! /R5G? ( MY LOVE & ! GREATNESS ( MY 
 SUFF]+ W]E MY JU/IFICATION4 ,BUT H]E !RE IS 
 NO?+ - NEI!R LOVE1 NOR SUFF]+1 NEI!R JOY NOR REGRET 
 444 NO?+ BUT ! COLD CONVICTION ( !IR RI<T TO PLUCK 
 PLEASURE1 P[ H]E1 N[ !RE1 LIKE FL[]S 9 ! G>D5 ( 
 LIFE1 :]EV] & :5EV] ONE F9DS !M4 ,?AT IS :AT 
 T]RIFIES ME4 ,)\T W>M?1 )\T EV5 ! MO/ ELEM5T>Y 
 FEEL+ = ONE ANO!R1 )\T ! GOODNESS ( HE>T ?AT 
 PLACES ! FEEL+S ( ?OSE ONE LOVES ABOVE EV]Y?+ ELSE 
 444 IS ?AT ,COMMUNISM80 

 ,9VOLUNT>ILY ,I LAU<$ AT H] ILLOGICAL CONCLUSION1 & ,OLGA ,S]GEJEWNA ADMITT$1 A LITTLE %AMEFAC$LY1 ?AT H] CONCLUSIONS W]E1 H]E AT LEA/1 H>DLY JU/IFI$ BY ! SITUATION UND] DISCUSSION4 

 ,WE P>T$ AFT] HAV+ DECID$ ?AT ,I %\LD SPEAK TO ,G5IA H]SELF ON ! FOLL[+ DAY4 
  

 ,G5IA CAME TO ME ! NEXT MORN+1 ! ONLY P>T ( ! DAY1 %E EXPLA9$1 ?AT BELONG$ TO H]4 ,! AFT]NOON & EV5+ W]E TAK5 UP BY H] 
WORK 9 ! DI/RICT4 

 ,%E WAS TALL & SL5D] ) AN 9T5SE LITTLE FACE & A WAY 
 ( C>RY+ H] HEAD ?AT RECALL$ H] GR&MO!R'S 
 SELF-ASSUR$ PO/URE4 ,A LITTLE PALE1 ) D>K R+S UND] H] 
 EYES4 ,H] H&S COLD & MOI/4 ,EVID5TLY %E HAD NOT YET 
 5TIRELY RECOV]$ FROM ! EFFECTS ( H] OP]ATION4 

 ,H] MANN] WAS PLEAS+1 SIMPLE & COMRADELY4 

 0,I SUPPOSE Y\ DISAPPROVE1 LIKE MO!R1 BECAUSE ,I GIVE MYSELF 
 )\T FALL+ 9 LOVE4 ,BUT ONE MU/ HAVE TIME TO FALL 9 
 LOVE4 ,I HAVE READ NOVELS & ,I KN[ H[ LOVE TAKES POSSESSION ( 
 ONE'S FACULTIES TO ! EXCLUSION ( EV]Y?+ ELSE4 ,BUT ,I HAVE 
 NO TIME4 ,\R ACTIVITY 9 ! DI/RICT HAS TAK5 HOLD ( US ALL 
 SO COMPLETELY ?AT NONE ( US HAS HAD TIME TO ?9K ( ANY?+ 
 ELSE1 ( P]SONAL MATT]S4 ,WE RUN FROM ONE TASK TO 
 ANO!R4 ,!RE >E TIMES :5 !RE IS A LITTLE LESS TO DO 
 444 TIME 5\< TO NOTICE ?AT ?IS ONE OR ?AT IS A LITTLE MORE 
 ATTRACTIVE T@9AN ! RE/4 ,BUT BE=E IT CAN BECOME MORE ?AN A 
 PASS+ FANCY1 WE >E (F AGA91 TO NEW WORK4 ,WE NEV] GET 
 BEYOND ! FIR/ /AGES ( COMRADELY AFFECTION4 ,?IS ONE IS 
 CALL$ TO ! FRONT1 ?AT  
ONE IS S5T AWAY4 ,NEW EXCITEM5T1 NEW IMPRESSIONS1 & WE =GET4 ,SO WE SIMPLY TAKE ADVANTAGE ( ! FEW %ORT H\RS ( RELEASE ?AT >E GRANT$ US !RE IS NO?+ B9D+1 NO RESPONSIBILITY4444,( C\RSE1 !RE IS ALWAYS ! DANG] ( CONTRACT+ DISEASE4 ,BUT NO MAN WILL LIE TO Y\ AB\T ?AT - NO COMRADE1 ?AT IS - IF Y\ LOOK /RAI<T 9TO HIS EYES & ASK = ! TRU?4 ,I HAVE HAD TWO SU* EXP]I5CES4 ,ONE WAS V]Y FOND ( ME - SOMETIMES ,I ?9K HE REALLY LOV$ ME4 ,I C\LD SEE ?AT IT WAS H>D = HIM TO CONFESS4 ,BUT WE NEV] CAME TOGE!R4 ,HE KNEW ?AT ,I W\LD NEV] HAVE =GIV5 ?AT40 

 ,G5IA'S ATTRACTIVE1 WIDE-OP5 EYES FAIRLY RADIAT$ HONE/Y & FRANKNESS4 

 0,BUT1 TELL ME1 ,COMRADE ,G5IA10 ,I 9T]RUPT$ H]1 0:Y DIDN'T Y\ TELL Y\R MO!R AT ONCE4 ,:Y DID Y\ 5T] 9TO CL&E/9E RELATIONS ) ,&REI BEH9D H] BACK1 & CONT9UE !M = MON?S UNTIL %E ACCID5TALLY DISCOV]$ ! TRU?80 0,SIMPLY BECAUSE ,I FELT ?AT !Y DID NOT CONC]N H]4444 ,IF ,&REI & ,I HAD LOV$ ONE ANO!R ,I W\LD HAVE TOLD MO!R AB\T IT AT ONCE1 ( C\RSE1 OR1 :AT IS MORE LIKELY1 ,I W\LD SIMPLY HAVE DISAPPE>$ \T ( H] LIFE4 ,I DID NOT WANT H] TO BE UNHAPPY4 ,BUT !RE WAS NO?+ 9 \R RELATIONS ) ONE ANO!R ?AT *ANG$ ,&REI'S FEEL+S = H] 9 ! LEA/4 ,:AT %E REFUSES TO SEE IS ?IS ?AT IF IT HAD NOT BE5 ,I1 IT W\LD HAVE BE5 ANO!R4 ,DOES %E BELIEVE ?AT %E CAN *A9 ,&REI SO FIRMLY TO H]SELF ?AT HE WILL SEE NO O!R HUMAN BE+1 ?AT HE WILL 5T] UPON NO O!R HUMAN RELATION%IP8 ,I1 = ONE1 CANNOT UND]/& ?AT SORT ( LOVE4 ,?AT ,I AM ON FRI5DLY T]MS ) ,&REI1 ?AT HE CONFIDES 9 ME MORE ?AN HE DOES 9 H]1 ?AT HE IS 9W>DLY CLOS]1 NE>] TO ME ?AN HE IS TO H] - ALL ?AT DOES NOT DI/URB MO!R 9 ! LEA/4 ,BUT ?AT HE HAS KISS$ ME MEANS ?AT ,I HAVE TAK5 HIM FROM H]4 ,YET MO!R H]SELF HAS NO TIME = HIM4 ,BELIEVE ME1 %E HAS NO TIME4 ,9 AGE1 TOO1 ,&REI IS MU* CLOS] TO MY G5]ATION ?AN HE IS TO H]S4 ,\R TA/ES >E ALIKE4 ,IT IS SO NATURAL ?AT WE TWO %\LD COME TOGE!R40 

 0,P]HAPS Y\ >E NOT CLE> AS TO Y\R FEEL+S = HIM10 ,I 
 SUGGE/$4 0,>E Y\ SURE ?AT Y\ DO NOT LOVE ,&REI80 
  

,G5IA %OOK H] HEAD VIGOR\SLY4 

 0,I HAVE NEV] FELT :AT Y\ CALL LOVE1 BUT ,I AM SURE ?AT :AT ,I FEEL = ,&REI IS NOT LOVE4 ,?OSE  
:O LOVE WANT TO HE TOGE!R1 !Y BURN TO FULFILL EA* O!R'S SLI<TE/ WI%1 !Y ?9K ( EA* O!R1 !Y WORRY AB\T EA* O!R'S WELL-BE+4 444 ,IF ,&REI W]E TO PROPOSE ?AT ,I %\LD LIVE ) HIM =EV]1 ,I W\LD DECL9E ) ?ANKS4 ,I 5JOY HIS COMPANY1 & ,I FEEL HAPPY & *E]FUL :5 ,I AM ) HIM4 ,HE IS A SPL5DID COMRADE1 & ,I FEEL SORRY = HIM - HE IS SO DELICATE1 SO F9E & E!REAL1 AS MO!R ALWAYS SAYS4 ,BUT HE BECOMES UN9T]E/+ 444 ON ! :OLE ,I PREF] ,ABRAS*A4 ,BUT LOVE8 ,NO1 ,I DON'T LOVE HIM1 EI!R1 AL?\< = A TIME HE HAD A C]TA9 P[] OV] ME4 ,!RE WAS A TIME :5 ,I SIMPLY HAD TO DO AS HE ASK$1 BECAUSE ,I C\LDN'T BE> TO SEE HIM UNHAPPY4 ,HE WAS IRRESI/IBLE40 

 ,G5IA DREW UP H] EYEBR[S & BECAME ?\<TFUL4 

 0,MO!R IS ANGRY :5 ,I SAY ?AT ,I FEEL NO LOVE = EI!R ( !M4 ,%E SAYS IT IS IMMORAL = ONE ( MY AGE TO GIVE H]SELF )\T LOVE4 ,BUT ,I BELIEVE %E IS WRONG4 ,I MEAN1 IT IS SIMPL] & BETT] SO4 ,I REMEMB] MY *ILDHOOD V]Y WELL1 ?OSE YE>S :5 MO!R VASCILLAT$ BETWE5 ,CON/ANT9 & MY FA!R1 H[ DESP]ATE %E WAS1 H[ %E TORTUR$ H]SELF & ! O!RS AS WELL4 ,H[ !Y  
ALL SUFF]$6 ,CON/ANT96 ,GR&MO!R6 ,I CAN /ILL HE> GR&MO!R'S VOICE DEM&+ ?AT MO!R COME TO SOME DECISION4',DON'T BE C[>DLY1' %E US$ TO SAY4',*OOSE & MAKE UP Y\R M9D6' ,BUT MO!R C\LD NOT DECIDE BECAUSE %E LOV$ !M BO?1 & !Y BO? LOV$ H]4 ,& SO !Y LOV$ & TORTUR$ ONE ANO!R UNTIL !Y P>T$ AS 5EMIES4 ,I WILL NOT P>T FROM MY FRI5DS 9 5MITY4 ,IT IS ALL OV] & ,I NO LONG] C>E1 & ?AT IS ALL !RE IS TO IT4 ,:5 A FRI5D BEG9S TO %[ SIGNS ( JEAL\SY ,I ALWAYS REMEMB] ! MIS]Y ?AT MO!R W5T ?R\<1 ,CON/ANT9'S JEAL\SY & FA!R'S444 & !N ,I TELL MYSELF444',Y\ WON'T GO ?R\< ANY?+ LIKE ?AT4 ,!Y WILL HAVE TO UND]/& AT ! \TSET ?AT ,I BELONG TO NO ONE BUT MYSELF4' 0 

 0,& Y\ HAVE REALLY NEV] LOV$ ANYONE8 ,I CAN'T BELIEVE 
 ?AT4 ,Y\ DESCRIBE LOVE SO WELL4 ,ONE DOESN'T GET UND]/&+ 
 LIKE ?IS FROM BOOKS ALONE40 

 0,:AT MAKES Y\ ?9K ?AT ,I HAVE NEV] LOV$ ANYONE80 ,G5IA ASK$ 9 HONE/ A/ONI%M5T4 0,I M]ELY SAID ?AT ,I NEV] LOV$ ANY ( ! M5 ) :OM ,I HAVE BE5 9TIMATE40 

 0,:OM DO Y\ LOVE1 !N8 ,IS IT IMP]T95T TO ASK80 

 0,:OM8 ,WELL1 ABOVE ALL1 & MORE ?AN ANYONE ELSE 9 ! WORLD - MY MO!R4 ,!RE IS NO ONE LIKE H]4 ,9 A S5SE1 %E IS MORE TO ME ?AN ,L594 ,!RE IS SOME?+ AB\T H] 444 ,I DON'T BELIEVE ,I C\LD LIVE )\T H]4 ,H] HAPP9ESS MEANS MORE TO ME ?AN ANY?+ ELSE 9 ! WORLD40 

 0,YET Y\ SACRIFIC$ H] HAPP9ESS & HURT H] UNSPEAKABLY4 ,H[ 
 DO Y\ RECONCILE ?AT ) :AT Y\ HAVE JU/ SAID80 

 0,Y\ SEE10 ,G5IA ANSW]$ ?\<TFULLY1 0IF ,I HAD ?\<T1 IF ,I HAD KN[N ?AT MO!R W\LD TAKE IT LIKE ?IS1 ?AT IT W\LD PA9 H] SO1 ,I BELIEVE1 9 FACT ,I AM SURE1 ?AT ,I W\LD NOT HAVE DONE IT4 ,BUT ,I ALWAYS REG>D$ MO!R AS F> ABOVE SU* ?+S4 ,N[ ,I SEE ?AT ,I WAS MI/AK51 & ,I AM MORE SORRY ?AN ,I CAN TELL Y\1 MORE UNHAPPY ?AN %E WILL EV] UND]/&40 

 ,!RE W]E TE>S 9 ,G5IA'S EYES1 ! FIR/ S9CE \R 9T]VIEW 
 BEGAN4 ,%E WIP$ !M FROM H] EYES ) H] F+]-TIPS1 
 /EAL?ILY1 SO ,I MI<T NOT SEE4 

 0,I W\LD GIVE MY LIFE = MY MO!R4 ,?AT IS NO M]E PHRASE4 ,MO!R C\LD TELL Y\ AB\T ! TIME :5 WE ?\<T %E WAS /RICK5 ) TYPHUS4444 
 ,DO Y\ KN[ :AT HURT ME MORE ?AN ANY?+ ELSE8 ,I AM SO SORRY TO HAVE HURT H]1 & SO ANGRY AT MYSELF = NOT HAV+ REALIZ$ H[ %E W\LD FEEL AB\T IT4 ,I W\LD GIVE - ,I DON'T KN[ :AT - IF ,I C\LD UNDO :AT ,I HAVE DONE1 BUT 9 MY HE>T ( HE>TS ,I CAN'T HELP BUT FEEL ?AT !RE WAS NO?+ WRONG 9 :AT HAPP5$ BETWE5 ,&REI & MYSELF4 ,ONE MU/ LOOK AT IT FROM A DIFF]5T PO9T ( VIEW1 & IF MO!R W\LD ONLY TRY TO SEE IT AS ,I DO1 )\T PREJUDICE1 %E W\LD UND]/&1 ,I AM SURE4 ,I LOVE MO!R AS MU* AS EV]1 BUT ,I CAN'T HELP FEEL+ ?AT %E IS WRONG1 & ?AT IS :AT HURTS MO/ ( ALL4 ,I ALWAYS LOOK$ UPON H] AS 9FALLIBLE1 & N[ ?AT FAI? 9 H] WISDOM HAS BE5 %AK54 ,H[ CAN ,I BELIEVE1 AFT] ?IS1 ?AT MO!R /&S ABOVE US ALL1 ?AT %E KN[S EV]Y?+ & UND]/&S EV]Y?+8 ,DO Y\ KN[ H[ ?AT HURTS8 ,I MU/ NOT /OP LOV+ MY MO!R4 ,I MU/N'T LOSE MY FAI? 9 H]1 OR H[ %ALL ,I KEEP MY FAI? 9 O!RS8 ,Y\ CAN'T CONCEIVE H[ ?IS ?\<T UPSETS ME441 NOT ! REGRET ?AT MO!R 9SI/S ,I MU/ FEEL1 BUT ! D\BTS & QUE/IONS ?AT ALL ?IS HAS BR\<T TO MY M9D4 44 40 

 ,GREAT TE>S W]E FL[+ D[N ,G5IA'S *EEKS N[1 UNA%AM$1 & W]E LEAV+ WET TRACES ON  
H] WORN BLACK WAI/4 ,!N %E GREW CALM] & WE DISCUSS$ ! SITUATION 9 ALL ITS PHASES4 ,:AT1 ABOVE ALL1 WAS TO BE DONE8 

 ,G5IA WAS DET]M9$ TO LEAVE H] MO!R'S QU>T]S = A 0HOME0 
 9 :I* MO/ ( H] COLLEAGUES HAD TAK5 QU>T]S4 ,%E W\LD 
 MOVE !RE 9 A FEW DAYS4 ,BUT H[ W]E H] MO!R & ,&REI TO 
 GET ALONG )\T H]8 ,!Y W]E SO US$ TO HAV+ H] ATT5D TO 
 !IR WANTS4 

 0,MO!R WILL NEV] GET 5\< TO EAT10 %E LAM5T$4 0,UNLESS !RE IS SOMEONE TO LOOK AFT] H]1 TO PLACE H] MEALS BE=E H]1 %E WILL GO AB\T ALL DAY )\T EAT+4 ,& ,&REI IS NO BETT]4 ,HONE/LY1 ,I DON'T KN[ H[ !Y >E TO GET ALONG )\T ME4 ,!Y >E LIKE *ILDR51 BO? ( !M4 ,( C\RSE1 ,I WILL GO !RE EV]Y DAY & DO :AT ,I CAN = !M4 ,BUT AT BE/ ?AT WILL BE A MAKE%IFT >RANGEM5T1 = ,I AM BUSY4 ,IT IS ALL SO MU* MORE SIMPLE :5 WE LIVE TOGE!R40 

 ,%E SI<$4 ,H] VOICE HAD A MAT]NAL S\ND4 ,H] MO!R & 
 ,&REI W]E *ILDR51 Y\NG] SI/]S & BRO!RS :O NE$$ 
 H] PROTECTION4 

 0,I AM SO GLAD10 ,I ASSUR$ H] :5 %E ROSE TO LEAVE10 ?AT ,I CAN COM=T Y\R MO!R1 ?AT ,I %ALL BE ABLE TO TELL H] H[ MU* Y\ LOVE H]4 ,%E FELT SO DEEPLY ?AT Y\ W]E 9CAPABLE ( REAL AFFECTION1 ( ! DEEP]1 /RONG] & HEAL?I] FEEL+S ?AT MOVE M5 & WOM5 TO TRUE GREATNESS1 ?AT Y\ W]E ALL PR9CIPLES & CONVICTIONS40 

 ,G5IA SMIL$4 

 0,Y\ MAY REASSURE MO!R ON ?AT SCORE4444 ,I AM SURE ! TIME WILL COME :5 ,I1 TOO1 WILL DO FOOLI% ?+S BECAUSE ,I LOVE SOMEONE TOO DEEPLY TO BE REASONABLE4 ,I AM H] DAU<T]1 AFT] ALL1 & GR&MO!R'S GR&*ILD4 ,& !RE >E ?OSE ,I LOVE - OH1 H[ ,I LOVE !M4 444 ,NOT ONLY MO!R444 ,L591 = 9/ANCE4 ,PLEASE1 DON'T SMILE4 ,I LOVE HIM MORE DEEPLY ?AN ANY ONE ( ?OSE :OM ,I HAVE LIK$ = A PASS+ MOM5T4 ,:5 ,I KN[ ?AT ,I AM TO SEE HIM1 ?AT ,I AM TO HE> HIS VOICE1 ,I AM ABSOLUTELY BESIDE MYSELF = DAYS4 ,I C\LD DIE = HIM4 ,!N !RE IS ,COMRADE ,G]ASSIM1 ! SECRET>Y ( \R DI/RICT4 ,DO Y\ KN[ HIM8 ,:AT A MAN6 ,I LOVE HIM 444 HONE/LY4 ,I W\LD SUBMIT TO HIS WILL EV5 IF ,I KNEW HE WAS WRONG1 BECAUSE ,I KN[ ?AT HIS 9T5TIONS >E SO F9E & SO GOOD4444 
 ,A YE> AGO 444 P]HAPS Y\ REMEMB] ?AT 9FAM\S 9TRIGUE !Y LAUN*$ AGA9/ HIM8444 
 ,I C\LDN'T SLEEP AT NI<T4 ,OH1 BUT WE F\<T = HIM4 ,WE SET ! 5TIRE DI/RICT 9 MOTION4 ,YES1  
,I LOVE HIM10 ,G5IA F9I%$ ) CONVICTION1 AS IF %E HAD1 TE/$ H] [N CAPACITY = FEEL+ TO H] [N SATISFACTION4 

 0,BUT ,I MU/ RUN4 ,!RE IS SO MU* TO DO4 ,I HAVE BE5 MADE 
 SECRET>Y ( \R NUCLEUS10 %E SAID ) VISIBLE PRIDE4 0,?AT MEANS 
 MORE WORK ?AN EV]4 ,OH1 LIFE C\LD BE SO BEAUTIFUL1 IF ONLY MO!R 
 W\LD TRY TO UND]/&40  

,ANO!R DEEP1 *ILDI% SI<4 

 0,Y\ WILL CONV9CE MO!R1 WON'T Y\1 ?AT ,&REI BELONGS TO H] AS MU* AS EV]4 ,HE BELONGS 5TIRELY TO H]4 ,I DON'T NE$ HIM4 444 ,NOT 9 ! LEA/4 ,DO Y\ ?9K %E WILL UND]/&8 ,WILL %E GO ON LOV+ ME8 ,I AM SO AFRAID4 444 ,I CAN'T LIVE )\T MO!R & H] LOVE4 ,:5 ,I ?9K ( H[ H] WOND]FUL 5]GY & H] GLORI\S WORK HAVE SUFF]$ FROM ! EXCITEM5T %E HAS UND]GONE1 BECAUSE ( H] LOVE 444 NO1 ,I WILL NEV] LOVE AS MO!R LOV$4444 ,H[ CAN ONE WORK1 IF ONE LOSES ONE'S SELF LIKE ?AT80 

 ,) ?IS QUE/ION ,G5IA DISAPPE>$ BEH9D ! DOOR4 
 ,I REMA9$ /&+ :]E ,I HAD TAK5 LEAVE ( H]1 TRY+ TO F9D AN ANSW] TO ! QUE/ION %E & H] MO!R HAD PUT BE=E ME4 ,:O IS RI<T8 
,WILL ! FUTURE %[ ?AT ! NEW CLASS1 ! NEW Y\? ) ITS NEW EXP]I5CES & ITS NEW CONCEPTIONS & FEEL+S1 IS ON ! ROAD TO TRUE HAPP9ESS8 

 ,\TSIDE ! DOOR ,I HE>D ,G5IA'S Y\NG LAU<1 & H] HAPPY 
 VOICE4 0,?IS EV5+1 ,COMRADES4 ,I CAN'T /AY1 N[4 ,I AM LATE 
 ALREADY4 ,!RE IS SO MU*1 SO MU* TO DO40 

 ,S\RCE3 ,A ,GREAT ,LOVE1 ,! ,VANGU>D ,PRESS1 ,NEW ,YORK1 #a#i#b#i4 

,TRANSLAT$3 ,LILY ,LORE 

,FIR/ ,PUBLI%$3 #aibc 

,ONL9E ,V]SION3 M>XI/S4ORG #ba 

,TRANSCRIPTION_/,M>KUP3 ,SALLY ,RYAN 

,FROM 3 ,M>XI/S4ORG4 

,*RONOLOGY 3 
,M>* #d1 #bba 3 ,P>T #c -- ,ADD$4 

 FILE G5]AT$ FROM 3  
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