,FIR/ ,RECOLLECTIONS 

#aibc 

,PEOPLE 3 

,AU?OR 3 ,LEO ,TOL/OY 

,TEXT 3 

,H]E >E MY FIR/ RECOLLECTIONS 7:I* ,I CANNOT R$UCE TO ORD]1 NOT KN[+ :AT CAME FIR/1 :AT AFT]W>DS1 :ILE ( SOME ,I KN[ NOT :E!R !Y W]E DREAMS OR REALITY74 ,BUT H]E !Y >E4 

,I AM TI$ D[N2 ,I WANT TO RAISE MY >MS1 BUT ,I CANNOT DO IT1 & ,I WAIL & WEEP & MY CRY IS DISAGREEABLE TO MYSELF2 BUT ,I CANNOT /OP4 ,IT MU/ BE ?AT SOME ONE /&S B5D+ OV] ME1 BUT ,I DON'T REMEMB] :O4 ,& ALL ?IS TAKES PLACE 9 A SEMI-D>KNESS4 ,BUT ,I REMEMB] ?AT !RE >E TWO4 ,MY CRY+ HAS AN EFFECT ON !M1 !Y >E AL>M$ AT MY CRY1 BUT !Y DO NOT UNLOOSE ME AS ,I WI%1 & ,I CRY L\D] ?AN EV]4 ,IT SEEMS TO !M NECESS>Y 7?AT IS1 ?AT ,I BE TI$ D[N71 :ILE ,I KN[ ?AT IT IS NOT NECESS>Y1 & ,I WANT TO PROVE IT TO !M1 & ,I BUR/ \T 9TO A CRY DISGU/+ TO MYSELF BUT UNRE/RA9ABLE4 

,I AM CONSCI\S ( ! 9JU/ICE & CRUELTY1 NOT ( PEOPLE1 BECAUSE !Y PITY ME1 BUT ( FATE1 & FEEL PITY = MYSELF4 ,I DO NOT KN[ & NEV] %ALL LE>N :AT ?IS WAS3 :E!R !Y SWADDL$ ME :5 ,I WAS A SUCKL+ & ,I PULL$ \T MY H&S2 OR :E!R !Y SWADDL$ ME :5 ,I WAS MORE ?AN A YE> OLD SO ?AT ,I MI<T NOT SCRAT* ! TETT]2 OR :E!R ,I HAVE GA!R$ MANY IMPRESSIONS 9TO ONE AS HAPP5S 9 DREAMS1 -- BUT APP>5TLY ?IS WAS MY FIR/ & MO/ P[]FUL IMPRESSION ( LIFE4 ,& IT WAS NOT MY CRY+ OR MY SUFF]+ ?AT ,I RETA9 9 MY RECOLLECTIONS1 BUT ! COMPLICATION1 ! CONTRADICTION1 ( ! IMPRESSION4 ,I WANT$ FRE$OM2 IT W\LD NOT DI/URB ANY ONE1 & ,I :O NE$$ ! /R5G? WAS WEAK :ILE !Y W]E /RONG4 

,! SECOND IMPRESSION WAS PLEASURABLE4 ,I AM SITT+ 9 A TUB1 & ,I AM SURR\ND$ BY A NEW & DISAGREEABLE ODOR ( SOME OBJECT BY :I* MY SMALL BODY IS GALL$4 ,APP>5TLY ?IS WAS BRAN1 & APP>5TLY 9 ! WAT] & 9 ! TR\<1 BUT ! NOVELTY ( ! IMPRESSION MADE BY ! BRAN AWAK5$ ME1 & ,I = ! FIR/ TIME NOTIC$ & OBS]V$ MY LITTLE BODY1 ) ! RIBS PLA9LY \TL9$1 & ! SMOO?1 D>K TUB1 & ! NURSE ) H] >MS TUCK$ UP1 & ! D>K1 W>M1 ?REAT5+ WAT]1 & ! SWA% ( IT1 & ESPECIALLY ! FEEL+ ( SMOO?NESS ( ! WET $GES ( ! TUB :5 ,I PUT MY LITTLE H&S ON IT4 ,/RANGE & T]RIBLE TO ?9K ?AT FROM MY BIR? UP TO MY ?IRD YE>1 ALL ! TIME :ILE ,I WAS NURS+1 :ILE ,I WAS WEAN$1 :5 ,I WAS BEG9N+ TO CREEP1 TO WALK1 TO SPEAK1 H[EV] ,I RACK MY MEMORY1 ,I CAN F9D NO IMPRESSION EXCEPT !SE TWO4 

,:5 DID ,I BEG98 ,:5 DID ,I BEG9 TO LIVE8 ,& :Y IS IT PLEASANT TO IMAG9E MYSELF AS ,I WAS !N1 BUT IT US$ TO BE T]RIBLE TO ME1 AS N[ IT IS T]RIBLE TO MANY1 TO IMAG9E MYSELF AS ,I %ALL BE :5 ,I AGA9 5T] 9TO ?AT CONDITION ( DEA? FROM :I* !RE WILL BE NO RECOLLECTIONS EXPRESSIBLE 9 WORDS8 ,WAS ,I NOT ALIVE :5 ,I WAS LE>N+ TO LOOK1 TO HE>1 TO UND]/&1 TO TALK1 :5 ,I SLEPT1 :5 ,I PRESS$ MY LIPS TO MY MO!R'S BREA/1 & LAU<$ & REJOIC$ MY MO!R8 ,I WAS ALIVE & BLISSFULLY ALIVE4 ,DID ,I NOT !N GET ALL ?AT :]EBY ,I LIVE N[1 & GET 9 SU* ABUNDANCE1 & SO RAPIDLY1 ?AT 9 ALL ! RE/ ( MY LIFE ,I HAVE NOT GOT A HUNDR$? P>T SO MU*8 

,=M A FIVE-YE>-OLD *ILD TOME IS ONLY A /EP4 ,FROM ! NEW-BORN BABY TO ! FIVE-YE>-OLD *ILD !RE IS A T]RIBLE GAP4 ,FROM ! EMBRYO TO ! NEW-BORN BABY !RE IS AN ABYSS4 ,& FROM NONEXI/5CE TO ! EMBRYO !RE IS NOT AN ABYSS1 BUT 9COMPREH5SIBILITY4 ,MOREOV] SPACE & TIME & CAUSE >E =MS ( ?\<T & ! EXI/5CE ( LIFE \TSIDE ( !SE =MS1 BUT ALL \R LIFE IS A CONT9UALLY 9CREAS+ SUBJECTION TO !SE =MS & !N AGA9 EMANCIPATION FROM !M4 

,! FOLL[+ RECOLLECTIONS ( M9E REF] TO MY F\R? & FIF? YE>S1 BUT EV5 ( !SE !RE >E V]Y FEW1 & NOT ONE ( !SE REF]S TO LIFE \TSIDE ! WALLS ( MY HOME4 

,NATURE UPT TO ! AGE ( FIVE DOES NOT EXI/ = ME4 ,ALL ?AT ,I REMEMB] REF]S TO B$ & *AMB]4 ,NO GRASS1 NO LEAVES1 NO SKY1 NO SUN EXI/ = ME4 ,IT CANNOT BE ?AT !Y DID NOT LET ME PLAY ) ! FL[]S & LEAVES1 OR SEE ! GRASS1 ?AT !Y DID NOT PROTECT ME FROM ! SUN1 BUT UP TO FIVE YE>S1 UP TO SIX YE>S1 !RE IS NOT ONE RECOLLECTION ( :AT WE CALL ,NATURE4 ,APP>5TLY IT IS NECESS>Y TO GO AWAY FROM H] 9 ORD] TO SEE H]1 & ,I WAS ,NATURE6 

,! RECOLLECTION ?AT COMES AFT] ?AT ( ! TUB IS ?AT ( ,Y]EMEYEVNA4 0,Y]EMEYEVNA0 WAS A WORD ) :I* !Y US$ TO FRI<T5 US *ILDR54 ,& APP>5TLY !Y BEGAN E>LY TO FRI<T5 US ) IT1 BUT MY RECOLLECTION ( IT IS AS FOLL[S3 -- 

,I AM 9 MY LITTLE B$ & FEEL+ GOOD & HAPPY AS ALWAYS1 & ,I %\LD NOT REMEMB] ?IS BUT SUDD5LY MY NURSE1 OR SOME ONE ( ?OSE ?AT CON/ITUT$ MY LIFE1 SAYS SOME?+ 9 A VOICE 5TIRELY NEW TO ME1 & GOES \T1 & ,I BEG9 TO FEEL A S5SATION ( T]ROR BESIDES ?AT ( GAIETY4 ,& ,I REMEMB] ?AT ,I AM NOT ALONE1 BUT SOME ONE IS !RE ) ME V]Y MU* ! SAME AS ,I4 

,?IS MU/ HAVE BE5 MY SI/] ,MA%5KA1 A YE> Y\NG] ?AN ,I1 = \R B$S /OOD 9 ONE ROOM TOGE!R4 

,& ,I REMEMB] ?AT !RE IS A CANOPY OV] MY B$1 & MY SI/] & ,I US$ TO %>E \R PLEASURES & T]RORS -- :ATEV] UNEXPECT$ ?+ HAPP5$ TO US -- & ,I US$ TO HIDE 9 ! PILL[1 & ,I W\LD HIDE & PEEK \T TO LOOK AT ! DOOR FROM :I* ,I EXPECT$ ANY?+ NEW & GAY4 ,& WE US$ TO LAU< & HIDE & BE FULL ( EXPECTATIONS4 ,& H]E COMES SOME ONE 9 A G[N & HEAD-DRESS SU* AS ,I HAD NEV] SE5 BE=E1 BUT ,I KN[ ?AT IT IS ! P]SON :O IS ALWAYS ) ME -- A NURSE OR AUNTIE1 ,I DON'T KN[ :I*1 & ?IS SOME ONE SPEAKS 9 A DEEP VOICE :I* ,I RECOGNIZE1 & SAYS SOME?+ T]RIBLE AB\T NAU<TY *ILDR51 & AB\T ,Y]EMEYEVNA6 ,I SQUEAL ) T]ROR & DELI<T1 & ,I AM T]RIFI$1 & AT ! SAME TIME DELI<T$ BECAUSE ,I AM T]RIFI$1 & ,I WI% ?AT ! ONE :O FRI<T5$ ME DID NOT KN[ ?AT ,I KN[ H]6 ,WE BECOME SIL5T1 BUT SOON AGA9 WE BEG9 TO :ISP] ON PURPOSE TO BR+ BACK ,Y]EMEYEVNA4 

,SIMIL> TO ! RECOLLECTION ( ,Y]EMEYEVNA IS ANO!R1 APP>5TLY LAT] 9 TIME BECAUSE IT IS MORE DI/9CT1 BUT IT ALWAYS REMA9S 9COMPREH5SIBLE TO ME4 ,9 ?IS REMEMBRANCE ! *IEF ROLE IS PLAY$ BY A ,G]MAN1 ,FEODOR ,IVANOVIT*1 \R TEA*]2 BUT ,I KN[ ASSUR$LY ?AT ,I WAS NOT AS YET UND] HIS SUP]VISION1 CONSEQU5TLY ?IS MU/ HAVE TAK5 PLACE BE=E ,I WAS FIVE4 ,& ?IS IS MY FIR/ IMPRESSION ( ,FEODOR ,IVANOVIT*4 ,& IT HAPP5S SO E>LY ?AT ,I DO NOT REMEMB] ANY ONE -- MY BRO!RS1 NOR MY FA!R1 NOR ANY ONE4 ,IF ,I HAVE AN IDEA ( ANY P]SON :ATEV] BESIDES1 IT IS ONLY ( MY SI/]1 & SOLELY BECAUSE %E & ,I W]E ASSOCIAT$ 9 T]ROR ( ,Y]EMEYEVNA4 

,) ?IS RECOLLECTION IS CONNECT$ ALSO MY FIR/ CONCEPTION ?AT \R H\SE HAD AN UPP] /ORY4 ,H[ ,I GOT !RE1 :E!R ,I W5T !RE BY MYSELF OR :O TOOK ME !RE1 ,I DO NOT REMEMB] AT ALL2 ,I ONLY REMEMB] ?AT !RE W]E SEV]AL ( US1 WE ALL TOOK HOLD ( H&S 9 A KHOROVOD2 AMONG ?OSE HOLD+ ONE ANO!R BY ! H& W]E SEV]AL /RANGE WOM51 -- BECAUSE ,I RECOLLECT ?AT !SE W]E ! LAUNDRY GIRLS1 -- & WE ALL BEGAN TO TURN & SPR+1 & ,FEODOR ,IVANOVIT* CAP]$ AB\T1 LIFT+ HIS LEGS V]Y HI< & MAK+ A T]RIBLE NOISE & ?UMP+1 & ,I HAD A CONSCI\SNESS ?AT ?IS WAS NOT ! RI<T ?+ TO DO1 ?AT IT WAS BAD1 & ,I NOTIC$ HIM & ,I SEEM$ TO BUR/ \T CRY+1 & IT ALL CAME TO AN 5D4 

,?IS IS ALL ,I REMEMB] UP TO MY FIF? YE>4 ,I REMEMB] NO?+ ( MY NURSES1 MY AUNTIES1 BY BRO!RS1 MY SI/]S1 OR ( MY FA!R1 OR MY ROOMS1 OR MY TOYS -- NO?+ AT ALL4 ,MY RECOLLECTIONS GR[ MORE DEF9ITE FROM ! TIME :5 ,I WAS TAK5 D[N TO ,FEODOR ,IVANOVIT* & TO ! OLD] BOYS4 

,:5 ,I WAS TAK5 D[N TO ,FEODOR ,IVANOVIT* & ! O!R BOYS1 ,I EXP]I5C$ = ! FIR/ TIME1 & !RE=E MORE /RONGLY ?AN EV] AGA91 ! FEEL+ CALL$ ! S5SE ( DUTY1 CALL$ ! S5SE ( ! CROSS1 :I* EV]Y MAN IS CALL$ UPON TO WE>4 ,I FELT SORRY TO LEAVE :AT ,I HAD GR[N ACCU/OM$ TO -- ACCU/OM$ TO FROM ET]NITY6 -- ,I FELT MELAN*OLY1 POETICALLY MELAN*OLY TO LEAVE1 NOT SO MU* ! PEOPLE1 MY SI/]1 MY NURSE1 MY AUNT1 AS ! B$1 ! CANOPY1 ! PILL[S2 & ! NEW LIFE 9TO :I* ,I HAD 5T]$ WAS T]RIBLE TO ME4 ,I TRI$ TO F9D SOME?+ *E]FUL 9 ! NEW LIFE :I* WAS BE=E ME2 ,I TRI$ TO CR$IT ! FLATT]+ SPEE*ES ) :I* ,FEODOR ,IVANOVIT* ALLUR$ ME TO HIMSELF4 ,I TRI$ NOT TO SEE ! SCORN ) :I* ! BOYS RECEIV$ ME1 !IR Y\NG] BRO!R2 ,I TRI$ TO ?9K ?AT IT WAS DISGRACEFUL = A BIG BOY TO LIVE ) GIRLS1 & ?AT !RE WAS NO?+ GOOD 9 ! UP-/AIR LIFE ) ! NURSE2 BUT 9 ! DEP?S ( MY S\L ,I WAS T]RIBLY HOMESICK1 & ,I KNEW ?AT ,I HAD IRREVOCABLY LO/ MY 9NOC5CE & JOY1 & ONLY A FEEL+ ( P]SONAL DIGNITY1 A CONSCI\SNESS ?AT ,I WAS DO+ MY DUTY1 SU/A9$ ME4 

,MANY TIMES S9CE 9 LIFE IT HAS BE5 MY =TUNE TO UND]GO SU* MOM5TS AT ! DIVID+ ( ! WAYS1 :]E NEW PA?S OP5$ \T BE=E ME4 ,I EXP]I5C$ A G5TLE GRIEF AT ! IRREVOCABL5ESS ( :AT WAS LO/4 ,& /ILL ,I DID NOT BELIEVE ?AT IT W\LD BE4 ,?\< !Y TOLD ME ?AT ,I WAS TO BE TAK5 D[N TO ! BOYS1 ,I REMEMB] ?AT MY KHALAT ) ITS BELT1 SEW$ TO ! BACK1 :I* !Y PUT ON ME1 SEEM$ TO SEP>ATE ME =EV] FROM ! UPP] ROOMS1 & ,I N[1 = ! FIR/ TIME1 NOTIC$ O!RS BESIDES ?OSE ) :OM ,I HAD LIV$ UP-/AIRS1 BUT ! *IEF P]SONAGE WAS ! ONE AT :OSE H\SE ,I WAS LIV+ & :OM ,I DO NOT REMEMB] BE=E4 ,?IS WAS MY ,AUNT ,T--- ,A---.<#a.>1 ,I REMEMB] H] AS %ORT1 /\T1 ) BLACK HAIR1 K9D1 AFFECTIONATE1 G5TLE4 ,%E PUT ON ME MY KHALAT1 TI<T5$ ! BELT & FA/5$ IT1 KISS$ ME1 & ,I SAW ?AT %E WAS EXP]I5C+ ! SAME FEEL+S AS ,I WAS1 ?AT %E WAS SORRY1 AWFULLY SORRY1 BUT IT HAD TO BE4 

,= ! FIR/ TIME ,I REALIZ$ ?AT LIFE IS NOT PLAY1 BUT H>D WORK4 ,NOT O!RWISE %ALL ,I FEEL :5 ,I COME TO DIE2 ,I %ALL DISCOV] ?AT DEA? OR ! FUTURE LIFE IS NOT PLAY1 BUT H>D WORK4 

.<#a.> ,A LIKELY REF]5CE TO HIS AUNT1 ,TATYANA ,ALEKS&REYEVNA ,EYELSKAYA 

7,S\RCE3 ,PUBLI%$ BY ,*>LES ,SCRIBN]1 ( ,NEW ,YORK1 9 #a#i#b#c47 

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,*RONOLOGY 3 
,JUNE #i1 #ah< 3 ,FIR/ ,RECOLLECTIONS -- ,WRITT54 
,NOVEMB] #c1 #aibb 3 ,FIR/ ,RECOLLECTIONS -- ,PUBLICATION4 
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