,P>T #ab 

#ahhbahhb 

,PEOPLE 3 

,AU?OR 3 ,LEO ,TOL/OY 

,TEXT 3 

,! CONSCI\SNESS ( ! ]ROR 9 REASONABLE KN[L$GE HELP$ 
ME TO FREE MYSELF FROM ! TEMPTATION ( IDLE RATIOC9ATION4 ! 
CONVICTION ?AT KN[L$GE ( TRU? CAN ONLY BE F\ND BY LIV+ L$ 
ME TO D\BT ! RI<TNESS ( MY LIFE2 BUT ,I WAS SAV$ ONLY BY ! 
FACT ?AT ,I WAS ABLE TO TE> MYSELF FROM MY EXCLUSIV5ESS & TO 
SEE ! REAL LIFE ( ! PLA9 WORK+ PEOPLE1 & TO UND]/& 
?AT IT ALONE IS REAL LIFE4 ,I UND]/OOD ?AT IF ,I WI% TO 
UND]/& LIFE & ITS MEAN+1 ,I MU/ NOT LIVE ! LIFE ( A 
P>ASITE1 BUT MU/ LIVE A REAL LIFE1 & - TAK+ ! MEAN+ 
GIV5 TO LIVE BY REAL HUMANITY & M]G+ MYSELF 9 ?AT LIFE - 
V]IFY IT4 

,DUR+ ?AT TIME ?IS IS :AT HAPP5$ TO ME4 ,DUR+ ?AT 
:OLE YE>1 :5 ,I WAS ASK+ MYSELF ALMO/ EV]Y MOM5T :E!R ,I 
%\LD NOT 5D MATT]S ) A NOOSE OR A BULLET - ALL ?AT TIME1 
TOGE!R ) ! C\RSE ( ?\<T & OBS]VATION AB\T :I* ,I 
HAVE SPOK51 MY HE>T WAS OPPRESS$ ) A PA9FUL FEEL+1 :I* 
,I CAN ONLY DESCRIBE AS A SE>* = ,GOD4 

,I SAY ?AT ?AT SE>* = ,GOD WAS NOT REASON+1 BUT A 
FEEL+1 BECAUSE ?AT SE>* PROCE$$ NOT FROM ! C\RSE ( MY 
?\<TS - IT WAS EV5 DIRECTLY CONTR>Y TO !M - BUT PROCE$$ 
FROM ! HE>T4 ,IT WAS A FEEL+ ( FE>1 ORPHANAGE1 ISOLATION 9 
A /RANGE L&1 & A HOPE ( HELP FROM SOMEONE4 

,?\< ,I WAS QUITE CONV9C$ ( ! IMPOSSIBILITY ( PROV+ 
! EXI/5CE ( A ,DEITY 7,KANT HAD %[N1 & ,I QUITE UND]/OOD 
HIM1 ?AT IT C\LD NOT BE PROV$71 ,I YET S\<T = GOD1 HOP$ ?AT 
,I %\LD F9D ,HIM1 & FROM OLD HABIT ADDRESS$ PRAY]S TO ?AT 
:I* ,I S\<T BUT HAD NOT F\ND4 ,I W5T OV] 9 MY M9D ! 
>GUM5TS ( ,KANT & ,S*OP5HAU] %[+ ! IMPOSSIBILITY ( 
PROV+ ! EXI/5CE ( A ,GOD1 & ,I BEGAN TO V]IFY ?OSE 
>GUM5TS & TO REFUTE !M4 ,CAUSE1 SAID ,I TO MYSELF1 IS NOT A 
CATEGORY ( ?\<T SU* AS >E ,TIME & ,SPACE4 ,IF ,I EXI/1 !RE 
MU/ BE SOME CAUSE = IT1 & A CAUSE ( CAUSES4 ,& ?AT FIR/ 
CAUSE ( ALL IS :AT M5 HAVE CALL$ 0,GOD04 ,& ,I PAUS$ ON ?AT 
?\<T1 & TRI$ ) ALL MY BE+ TO RECOGNIZE ! PRES5CE ( 
?AT CAUSE4 ,& AS SOON AS ,I ACKN[L$G$ ?AT !RE IS A =CE 9 
:OSE P[] ,I AM1 ,I AT ONCE FELT ?AT ,I C\LD LIVE4 ,BUT ,I ASK$ 
MYSELF3 ,:AT IS ?AT CAUSE1 ?AT =CE8 ,H[ AM ,I TO ?9K ( IT8  
,:AT >E MY RELATIONS TO ?AT :I* ,I CALL 0,GOD08 ,& ONLY ! 
FAMILI> REPLIES OCCURR$ TO ME3 0,HE IS ! ,CREATOR & 
,PRES]V]40 ,?IS REPLY DID NOT SATISFY ME1 & ,I FELT ,I WAS LOS+ 
)9 ME :AT ,I NE$$ = MY LIFE4 ,I BECAME T]RIFI$ & BEGAN 
TO PRAY TO ,HIM :OM ,I S\<T1 ?AT ,HE %\LD HELP ME4 ,BUT ! MORE 
,I PRAY$ ! MORE APP>5T IT BECAME TO ME ?AT ,HE DID NOT HE> ME1 
& ?AT !RE WAS NO ONE TO :OM TO ADDRESS MYSELF4 ,& ) 
DESPAIR 9 MY HE>T ?AT !RE IS NO ,GOD AT ALL1 ,I SAID3 0,LORD1 
HAVE M]CY1 SAVE ME6 ,LORD1 TEA* ME60 ,BUT NO ONE HAD M]CY ON ME1 
& ,I FELT ?AT MY LIFE WAS COM+ TO A /&/ILL4 

,BUT AGA9 & AGA91 FROM V>I\S SIDES1 ,I RETURN$ TO ! 
SAME CONCLUSION ?AT ,I C\LD NOT HAVE COME 9TO ! WORLD )\T 
ANY CAUSE OR REASON OR MEAN+2 ,I C\LD NOT BE SU* A FL$GL+ 
FALL5 FROM ITS NE/ AS ,I FELT MYSELF TO BE4 ,OR1 GRANT+ ?AT ,I 
BE SU*1 LY+ ON MY BACK CRY+ 9 ! HI< GRASS1 EV5 !N ,I CRY 
BECAUSE ,I KN[ ?AT A MO!R HAS BORNE ME )9 H]1 HAS HAT*$ 
ME1 W>M$ ME1 F$ ME1 & LOV$ ME4 ,:]E IS %E - ?AT MO!R8  
,IF ,I HAVE BE5 DES]T$1 :O HAS DES]T$ ME8 ,I CANNOT HIDE FROM 
MYSELF ?AT SOMEONE BOR$ ME1 LOV+ ME4 ,:O WAS ?AT SOMEONE8  
,AGA9 0,GOD08 ,HE KN[S & SEES MY SE>*+1 MY DESPAIR1 & MY 
/RUGGLE40 

0,HE EXI/S10 SAID ,I TO MYSELF4 ,& ,I HAD ONLY = AN 9/ANT 
TO ADMIT ?AT1 & AT ONCE LIFE ROSE )9 ME1 & ,I FELT ! 
POSSIBILITY & JOY ( BE+4 ,BUT AGA91 FROM ! ADMISSION ( ! 
EXI/5CE ( A ,GOD ,I W5T ON TO SEEK MY RELATION ) ,HIM2 & 
AGA9 ,I IMAG9$ "9?AT"9 ,GOD - \R ,CREATOR 9 ,?REE ,P]SONS :O 
S5T ,HIS ,SON1 ! ,SAVIOR - & AGA9 "9?AT"9 ,GOD1 DETA*$ FROM 
! WORLD & FROM ME1 MELT$ LIKE A BLOCK ( ICE1 MELT$ BE=E MY 
EYES1 & AGA9 NO?+ REMA9$1 & AGA9 ! SPR+ ( LIFE 
DRI$ UP )9 ME1 & ,I DESPAIR$ & FELT ?AT ,I HAD NO?+ TO 
DO BUT TO KILL MYSELF4 ,& ! WOR/ ( ALL WAS1 ?AT ,I FELT ,I 
C\LD NOT DO IT4 

,NOT TWICE OR ?REE TIMES1 BUT T5S & HUNDR$S ( TIMES1 ,I 
REA*$ ?OSE CONDITIONS1 FIR/ ( JOY & ANIMATION1 & !N ( 
DESPAIR & CONSCI\SNESS ( ! IMPOSSIBILITY ( LIV+4 

,I REMEMB] ?AT IT WAS 9 E>LY SPR+3 ,I WAS ALONE 9 ! 
WOOD LI/5+ TO ITS S\NDS4 ,I LI/5$ & ?\<T EV] ( ! 
SAME ?+1 AS ,I HAD CON/ANTLY DONE DUR+ ?OSE LA/ ?REE YE>S4  
,I WAS AGA9 SEEK+ ,GOD4 

0,V]Y WELL1 !RE IS NO ,GOD10 SAID ,I TO MYSELF2 0!RE IS NO 
ONE :O IS NOT MY IMAG9ATION BUT A REALITY LIKE MY :OLE LIFE4  
,HE DOES NOT EXI/1 & NO MIRACLES CAN PROVE ,HIS EXI/5CE1 BECAUSE 
! MIRACLES W\LD BE MY IMAG9ATION1 BESIDES BE+ IRRATIONAL4 

0,BUT MY "9P]CEPTION"9 ( ,GOD1 ( ,HIM :OM ,I SEEK10 ,I ASK$ 
MYSELF1 0:]E HAS ?AT P]CEPTION COME FROM80 ,& AGA9 AT ?IS 
?\<T ! GLAD WAVES ( LIFE ROSE )9 ME4 ,ALL ?AT WAS >\ND 
ME CAME TO LIFE & RECEIV$ A MEAN+4 ,BUT MY JOY DID NOT LA/ 
LONG4 ,MY M9D CONT9U$ ITS WORK4 

0,! CONCEPTION ( ,GOD IS NOT ,GOD10 SAID ,I TO MYSELF4 0,! 
CONCEPTION IS :AT TAKES PLACE )9 ME4 ,! CONCEPTION ( ,GOD IS 
SOME?+ ,I CAN EVOKE OR CAN REFRA9 FROM EVOK+ 9 MYSELF4 ,?AT 
IS NOT :AT ,I SEEK4 ,I SEEK ?AT )\T :I* !RE CAN BE NO 
LIFE40 ,& AGA9 ALL >\ND ME & )9 ME BEGAN TO DIE1 & 
AGA9 ,I WI%$ TO KILL MYSELF4 

,BUT !N ,I TURN$ MY GAZE UPON MYSELF1 ON :AT W5T ON )9 
ME1 & ,I REMEMB]$ ALL ?OSE CESSATIONS ( LIFE & REANIMATIONS 
?AT RECURR$ )9 ME HUNDR$S ( TIMES4 ,I REMEMB]$ ?AT ,I 
ONLY LIV$ AT ?OSE TIMES :5 ,I BELIEV$ 9 ,GOD4 ,AS IT WAS 
BE=E1 SO IT WAS N[2 ,I NE$ ONLY BE AW>E ( ,GOD TO LIVE2 ,I NE$ 
ONLY =GET ,HIM1 OR DISBELIEVE ,HIM1 & ,I DI$4 

,:AT IS ?IS ANIMATION & DY+8 ,I DO NOT LIVE :5 ,I LOSE 
BELIEF 9 ! EXI/5CE ( ,GOD4 ,I %\LD LONG AGO HAVE KILL$ 
MYSELF HAD ,I NOT HAD A DIM HOPE ( F9D+ ,HIM4 ,I LIVE1 REALLY 
LIVE1 ONLY :5 ,I FEEL ,HIM & SEEK ,HIM4 0,:AT MORE DO Y\ SEEK80 
EXCLAIM$ A VOICE )9 ME4 0,?IS IS ,HE4 ,HE IS ?AT )\T 
:I* ONE CANNOT LIVE4 ,TO KN[ ,GOD & TO LIVE IS ONE & ! SAME 
?+4 ,GOD IS LIFE40 

0,LIVE SEEK+ ,GOD1 & !N Y\ WILL NOT LIVE )\T ,GOD40  
,& MORE ?AN EV] BE=E1 ALL )9 ME & >\ND ME LIT UP1 & 
! LI<T DID NOT AGA9 AB&ON ME4 

,& ,I WAS SAV$ FROM SUICIDE4 ,:5 & H[ ?IS *ANGE 
OCCURR$ ,I C\LD NOT SAY4 ,AS IMP]CEPTIBLY & GRADUALLY ! =CE 
( LIFE 9 ME HAD BE5 DE/ROY$ & ,I HAD REA*$ ! 
IMPOSSIBILITY ( LIV+1 A CESSATION ( LIFE & ! NECESSITY ( 
SUICIDE1 SO IMP]CEPTIBLY & GRADUALLY DID ?AT =CE ( LIFE 
RETURN TO ME4 ,& /RANGE TO SAY ! /R5G? ( LIFE :I* 
RETURN$ TO ME WAS NOT NEW1 BUT QUITE OLD - ! SAME ?AT HAD 
BORNE ME ALONG 9 MY E>LIE/ DAYS4 

,I QUITE RETURN$ TO :AT BELONG$ TO MY E>LIE/ *ILDHOOD & 
Y\?4 ,I RETURN$ TO ! BELIEF 9 ?AT ,WILL :I* PRODUC$ ME & 
DESIRES SOME?+ ( ME4 ,I RETURN$ TO ! BELIEF ?AT ! *IEF 
& ONLY AIM ( MY LIFE IS TO BE BETT]1 I4E4 TO LIVE 9 ACCORD 
) ?AT ,WILL4 & ,I RETURN$ TO ! BELIEF ?AT ,I CAN F9D ! 
EXPRESSION ( ?AT ,WILL 9 :AT HUMANITY1 9 ! DI/ANT PA/ 
HIDD5 FROM1 HAS PRODUC$ = ITS GUIDANCE3 ?AT IS TO SAY1 ,I 
RETURN$ TO A BELIEF 9 ,GOD1 9 MORAL P]FECTION1 & 9 A 
TRADITION TRANSMITT+ ! MEAN+ ( LIFE4 ,!RE WAS ONLY ?IS 
DIFF]5CE1 ?AT !N ALL ?IS WAS ACCEPT$ UNCONSCI\SLY1 :ILE 
N[ ,I KNEW ?AT )\T IT ,I C\LD NOT LIVE4 

,:AT HAPP5$ TO ME WAS SOME?+ LIKE ?IS3 ,I WAS PUT 9TO 
A BOAT 7,I DO NOT REMEMB] :57 & PU%$ (F FROM AN UNKN[N 
%ORE1 %[N ! DIRECTION ( ! OPPOSITE %ORE1 HAD O>S PUT 9TO 
MY UNPRACTIC$ H&S1 & WAS LEFT ALONE4 ,I R[$ AS BE/ ,I C\LD 
& MOV$ =W>D2 BUT ! FUR!R ,I ADVANC$ T[>DS ! MIDDLE ( 
! /REAM ! MORE RAPID GREW ! CURR5T BE>+ ME AWAY FROM MY 
GOAL & ! MORE FREQU5TLY DID ,I 5C\NT] O!RS1 LIKE MYSELF1 
BORNE AWAY BY ! /REAM4 ,!RE W]E A FEW R[]S :O CONT9U$ TO 
R[1 !RE W]E O!RS :O HAD AB&ON$ !IR O>S2 !RE W]E 
L>GE BOATS & IMM5SE VESSELS FULL ( PEOPLE4 ,SOME /RUGGL$ 
AGA9/ ! CURR5T1 O!RS YIELD$ TO IT4 ,& ! FUR!R ,I W5T 
! MORE1 SEE+ ! PROGRESS D[N ! CURR5T ( ALL ?OSE :O 
W]E ADRIFT1 ,I =GOT ! DIRECTION GIV5 ME4 ,9 ! V]Y C5T] 
( ! /REAM1 AMID ! CR[D ( BOATS & VESSELS :I* W]E BE+ 
BORNE D[N /REAM1 ,I QUITE LO/ MY DIRECTION & AB&ON$ MY O>S4  
,>\ND ME ON ALL SIDES1 ) MIR? & REJOIC+1 PEOPLE ) SAILS 
& O>S W]E BORNE D[N ! /REAM1 ASSUR+ ME & EA* O!R 
?AT NO O!R DIRECTION WAS POSSIBLE4 ,& ,I BELIEV$ !M & 
FLOAT$ ) !M4 ,& ,I WAS C>RI$ F>2 SO F> ?AT ,I HE>D ! 
RO> ( ! RAPIDS 9 :I* ,I MU/ BE %ATT]$1 & ,I SAW BOATS 
%ATT]$ 9 !M4 ,& ,I RECOLLECT$ MYSELF4 ,I WAS LONG UNABLE TO 
UND]/& :AT HAD HAPP5$ TO ME4 ,I SAW BE=E ME NO?+ BUT 
DE/RUCTION1 T[>DS :I* ,I WAS RU%+ & :I* ,I FE>$4 ,I SAW 
NO SAFETY ANY:]E & DID NOT KN[ :AT TO DO2 BUT1 LOOK+ BACK1 
,I P]CEIV$ 9NUM]ABLE BOATS :I* UNCEAS+LY & /R5U\SLY 
PU%$ ACROSS ! /REAM1 & ,I REMEMB]$ AB\T ! %ORE1 ! 
O>S1 & ! DIRECTION1 & BEGAN TO PULL BACK UPW>DS AGA9/ ! 
/REAM & T[>DS ! %ORE4 

,?AT %ORE WAS ,GOD2 ?AT DIRECTION WAS TRADITION2 ! O>S 
W]E ! FRE$OM GIV5 ME TO PULL = ! %ORE & UNITE ) ,GOD4  
,& SO ! =CE ( LIFE WAS R5EW$ 9 ME & ,I AGA9 BEGAN TO 
LIVE4 

7,S\RCE3 ,A ,CONFESSION1 BY ,LEV ,NIKOLAYEVI* ,TOL/OY1 ,DI/RIBUT$ BY ! ,TOL/OY ,LIBR>Y ,ONL9E1 ,FIR/ DI/RIBUT$ 9 ,RUSSIA 9 #a#h#h#b1 FIR/ PUBLI%$ 9 #a#h#h#d47 

,FROM 3 ,FLAG4,BLACK5$4NET4 

,*RONOLOGY 3 
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