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#ahhbahhb 

,PEOPLE 3 

,AU?OR 3 ,LEO ,TOL/OY 

,TEXT 3 

,9 WAS !N SO NECESS>Y = ME TO BELIEVE 9 ORD] TO LIVE 
?AT ,I UNCONSCI\SLY CONCEAL$ FROM MYSELF ! CONTRADICTIONS & 
OBSCURITIES ( !OLOGY4 BUT ?IS READ+ ( MEAN+S 9TO ! 
RITES HAD ITS LIMITS4 ,IF ! *IEF WORDS 9 ! PRAY] = ! 
,EMP]OR BECAME MORE & MORE CLE> TO ME1 IF ,I F\ND SOME 
EXPLANATION = ! WORDS 0& REMEMB]+ \R ,SOV]EIGN ,MO/-,HOLY 
,MO!R ( ,GOD & ALL ! ,SA9TS1 \RSELVES & ONE ANO!R1 WE 
GIVE \R :OLE LIFE TO ,*RI/ \R ,GOD01 IF ,I EXPLA9$ TO MYSELF 
! FREQU5T REPETITION ( PRAY]S = ! ,CZ> & HIS RELATIONS 
BY ! FACT ?AT !Y >E MORE EXPOS$ TO TEMPTATIONS ?AN O!R 
PEOPLE & !RE=E >E MORE 9 NE$ ( BE+ PRAY$ = - ! 
PRAY]S AB\T SUBDU+ \R 5EMIES & EVIL UND] \R FEET 7EV5 IF 
ONE TRI$ TO SAY ?AT "9S9"9 WAS ! 5EMY PRAY$ AGA9/71 !SE 
& O!R PRAY]S1 SU* AS ! 0*]UBIC SONG0 & ! :OLE 
SACRAM5T ( OBLATION1 OR 0! *OS5 ,W>RIORS01 ETC4 - QUITE TWO- 
?IRDS ( ALL ! S]VICES - EI!R REMA9$ COMPLETELY 
9COMPREH5SIBLE OR1 :5 ,I =C$ AN EXPLANATION 9TO !M1 MADE 
ME FEEL ?AT ,I WAS LY+1 !REBY QUITE DE/ROY+ MY RELATION TO 
,GOD & DEPRIV+ ME ( ALL POSSIBILITY ( BELIEF4 

,I FELT ! SAME AB\T ! CELEBRATION ( ! *IEF HOLIDAYS4  
,TO REMEMB] ! ,SABBA?1 ?AT IS TO DEVOTE ONE DAY TO ,GOD1 WAS 
SOME?+ ,I C\LD UND]/&4 ,BUT ! *IEF HOLIDAY WAS 9 
COMMEMORATION ( ! ,RESURRECTION1 ! REALITY ( :I* ,I C\LD NOT 
PICTURE TO MYSELF OR UND]/&4 ,& ?AT NAME ( 0,RESURRECTION0 
WAS ALSO GIV5 ! WEEKLY HOLIDAY4 .<,FOOTNOTE3 ,9 ,RUSSIA ,SUNDAY 
WAS CALL$ ,RESURRECTION-DAY4 - ,A4 ,M4.> ,& ON ?OSE DAYS ! 
,SACRAM5T ( ! ,EU*>I/ WAS ADM9I/]$1 :I* WAS QUITE 
UN9TELLIGIBLE TO ME4 ,! RE/ ( ! TWELVE GREAT HOLIDAYS1 
EXCEPT ,*RI/MAS1 COMMEMORAT$ MIRACLES - ! ?+S ,I TRI$ NOT 
TO ?9K AB\T 9 ORD] NOT TO D5Y3 ! ,ASC5SION1 ,P5TECO/1 
,EPIPHANY1 ! ,FEA/ ( ! ,9T]CESSION ( ! ,HOLY ,VIRG91 ETC4  
,AT ! CELEBRATION ( !SE HOLIDAYS1 FEEL+ ?AT IMPORTANCE WAS 
BE+ ATTRIBUT$ TO ! V]Y ?+S ?AT TO ME PRES5T$ A NEGATIVE 
IMPORTANCE1 ,I EI!R DEVIS$ TRANQUILIZ+ EXPLANATIONS OR %UT MY 
EYES 9 ORD] NOT TO SEE :AT TEMPT$ ME4 

,MO/ ( ALL ?IS HAPP5$ TO ME :5 TAK+ P>T 9 ! MO/ 
USUAL ,SACRAM5TS1 :I* >E CONSID]$ ! MO/ IMPORTANT3 BAPTISM 
& COMMUNION4 ,!RE ,I 5C\NT]$ NOT 9COMPREH5SIBLE BUT FULLY 
COMPREH5SIBLE DO+S3 DO+S :I* SEEM$ TO ME TO LEAD 9TO 
TEMPTATION1 & ,I WAS 9 A DILEMMA - :E!R TO LIE OR TO REJECT 
!M4 

,NEV] %ALL ,I =GE ! PA9FUL FEEL+ ,I EXP]I5C$ ! DAY 
,I RECEIV$ ! ,EU*>I/ = ! FIR/ TIME AFT] MANY YE>S4 ,! 
S]VICE1 CONFESSION1 & PRAY]S W]E QUITE 9TELLIGIBLE & 
PRODUC$ 9 ME A GLAD CONSCI\SNESS ?AT ! MEAN+ ( LIFE WAS 
BE+ REVEAL$ TO ME4 ,! ,COMMUNION ITSELF ,I EXPLA9$ AS AN ACT 
P]=M$ 9 REMEMBRANCE ( ,*RI/1 & 9DICAT+ A PURIFICATION 
FROM S9 & ! FULL ACCEPTANCE ( ,*RI/'S TEA*+4 ,IF ?AT 
EXPLANATION WAS >TIFICIAL ,I DID NOT NOTICE ITS >TIFICIALITY3 SO 
HAPPY WAS ,I AT HUMBL+ & ABAS+ MYSELF BE=E ! PRIE/ - A 
SIMPLE1 TIMID C\NTRY CL]GYMAN - TURN+ ALL ! DIRT \T ( MY 
S\L & CONFESS+ MY VISES1 SO GLAD WAS ,I TO M]GE 9 ?\<T 
) ! HUMILITY ( ! FA!RS :O WROTE ! PRAY]S ( ! 
(FICE1 SO GLAD WAS ,I ( UNION ) ALL :O HAVE BELIEV$ & N[ 
BELIEVE1 ?AT ,I DID NOT NOTICE ! >TIFICIALITY ( MY EXPLANATION4  
,BUT :5 ,I APPROA*$ ! ALT> GATES1 & ! PRIE/ MADE ME SAY 
?AT ,I BELIEV$ ?AT :AT ,I WAS AB\T TO SWALL[ WAS TRULY FLE% 
& BLOOD1 ,I FELT A PA9 9 MY HE>T3 IT WAS NOT M]ELY A FALSE 
NOTE1 IT WAS A CRUEL DEM& MADE BY SOMEONE OR O!R :O EVID5TLY 
HAD NEV] KN[N :AT FAI? IS4 

,I N[ P]MIT MYSELF TO SAY ?AT IT WAS A CRUEL DEM&1 BUT ,I 
DID NOT !N ?9K SO3 ONLY IT WAS 9DESCRIBABLY PA9FUL TO ME4 ,I 
WAS NO LONG] 9 ! POSITION 9 :I* ,I HAD BE5 9 Y\? :5 ,I 
?\<T ALL 9 LIFE WAS CLE>2 ,I HAD 9DE$ COME TO FAI? BECAUSE1 
AP>T FROM FAI?1 ,I HAD F\ND NO?+1 C]TA9LY NO?+1 EXCEPT 
DE/RUCTION2 !RE=E TO ?R[ AWAY ?AT FAI? WAS IMPOSSIBLE & 
,I SUBMITT$4 ,& ,I F\ND 9 MY S\L A FEEL+ :I* HELP$ ME TO 
5DURE IT4 ,?IS WAS ! FEEL+ ( SELF-ABASEM5T & HUMILITY4  
,I HUMBL$ MYSELF1 SWALL[$ ?AT FLE% & BLOOD )\T ANY 
BLASPHEM\S FEEL+S & ) A WI% TO BELIEVE4 ,BUT ! BL[ HAD 
BE5 /RUCK &1 KN[+ :AT AWAIT$ ME1 ,I C\LD NOT GO A SECOND 
TIME4 

,I CONT9U$ TO FULFILL ! RITES ( ! ,*UR* & /ILL 
BELIEV$ ?AT ! DOCTR9E ,I WAS FOLL[+ CONTA9$ ! TRU?1 
:5 SOME?+ HAPP5$ TO ME :I* ,I N[ UND]/& BUT :I* !N 
SEEM$ /RANGE4 

,I WAS LI/5+ TO ! CONV]SATION ( AN ILLIT]ATE PEASANT1 
A PILGRIM1 AB\T ,GOD1 FAI?1 LIFE1 & SALVATION1 :5 A KN[L$GE 
( FAI? REVEAL$ ITSELF TO ME4 ,I DREW NE> TO ! PEOPLE1 
LI/5+ TO !IR OP9IONS ( LIFE & FAI?1 & ,I UND]/OOD ! 
TRU? MORE & MORE4 ,SO ALSO WAS IT :5 ,I READ ! ,LIVES ( ,HOLY 
M51 :I* BECAME MY FAVORITE BOOKS4 ,PUTT+ ASIDE ! MIRACLES 
& REG>D+ !M AS FABLES ILLU/RAT+ ?\<TS1 ?IS READ+ 
REVEAL$ TO ME LIFE'S MEAN+4 ,!RE W]E ! LIVES ( ,MAK>IUS 
! ,GREAT1 ! /ORY ( ,BUDDHA1 !RE W]E ! WORDS ( ,/4 ,JOHN 
,*RYSO/OM1 & !RE W]E ! /ORIES ( ! TRAVEL] 9 ! 
WELL1 ! MONK :O F\ND SOME GOLD1 & ( ,PET] ! PUBLICAN4  
,!RE W]E /ORIES ( ! M>TYRS1 ALL ANN\NC+ ?AT DEA? DOES 
NOT EXCLUDE LIFE1 & !RE W]E ! /ORIES ( IGNORANT1 /UPID 
M51 :O KNEW NO?+ ( ! TEA*+ ( ! ,*UR* BUT :O YET 
W]E SAVES4 

,BUT AS SOON AS ,I MET LE>N$ BELIEV]S OR TOOK UP !IR BOOKS1 
D\BT ( MYSELF1 DISSATISFACTION1 & EXASP]AT$ DISPUTATION W]E 
R\S$ )9 ME1 & ,I FELT ?AT ! MORE ,I 5T]$ 9TO ! 
MEAN+ ( !SE M5'S SPEE*1 ! MORE ,I W5T A/RAY FROM TRU? 
& APPROA*$ AN ABYSS4 

7,S\RCE3 ,A ,CONFESSION1 BY ,LEV ,NIKOLAYEVI* ,TOL/OY1 ,DI/RIBUT$ BY ! ,TOL/OY ,LIBR>Y ,ONL9E1 ,FIR/ DI/RIBUT$ 9 ,RUSSIA 9 #a#h#h#b1 FIR/ PUBLI%$ 9 #a#h#h#d47 

,FROM 3 ,FLAG4,BLACK5$4NET4 

,*RONOLOGY 3 
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