,VOLUME #a1 ,*APT] #b 

#aicaaica 

,PEOPLE 3 

,AU?OR 3 ,EMMA ,GOLDMAN 

,TEXT 3 

  

,PHOTO BY K>L S9FIELD1,C,C ,B,Y-,S,A ,LIC5SE ,LIV+ ,MY ,LIFE 

  
BY ,EMMA ,GOLDMAN 

 ,VOLUME ONE 

,NEW ,YORK3 ,ALFR$ ,A ,KNOPF ,9C41 #a#i#c#a4 

,*APT] #b 

,I HAD WORK$ 9 FACTORIES BE=E1 9 ,/4 ,PET]SBURG4 ,9 ! W9T] ( #a#h#h#b1 :5 MY ,MO!R1 MY TWO LITTLE BRO!RS1 & ,I CAME FROM ,KONIGSB]G TO JO9 ,FA!R 9 ! ,RUSSIAN CAPITAL1 WE F\ND ?AT HE HAD LO/ HIS POSITION4 ,HE HAD BE5 MANAG] ( HIS C\S9'S DRY GOODS /ORE2 BUT1 %ORTLY BE=E \R >RIVAL1 ! BUS9ESS FAIL$4 ,! LOSS ( HIS JOB WAS A TRAG$Y TO \R FAMILY1 AS ,FA!R HAD NOT MANAG$ TO SAVE ANY?+4 ,! ONLY BREAD-W9N] LEFT WAS ,HEL5A4 ,MO!R WAS =C$ TO TURN TO H] BRO!RS = A LOAN4 ,! ?REE HUNDR$ RUBLES !Y ADVANC$ W]E 9VE/$ 9 A GROC]Y /ORE4 ,! BUS9ESS YIELD$ LITTLE AT FIR/1 & IS BECAME NECESS>Y = ME TO F9D EMPLOYM5T4 

,KNITT$ %AWLS W]E !N MU* 9 VOGUE1 & A NEI<BOR TOLD MY MO!R :]E ,I MI<T F9D WORK TO DO AT HOME4 ,BY KEEP+ AT ! TASK MANY H\RS A DAY1 SOMETIMES LATE 9TO ! NI<T1 ,I CONTRIV$ TO E>N TWELVE RUBLES A MON?4 

,! %AWLS ,I KNITT$ = A LIVELIHOOD W]E BY NO MEANS MA/]PIECES1 BUT SOMEH[ !Y PASS$4 ,I HAT$ TO WORK1 & MY EYES GAVE WAY UND] ! /RA9 ( CON/ANT APPLICATION4 ,FA!R'S C\S9 :O HAD FAIL$ 9 ! DRY-GOODS BUS9ESS N[ [N$ A GLOVE FACTORY4 ,HE (F]$ TO TEA* ME ! TRADE & GIVE ME WORK4 

,! FACTORY WAS F> FROM \R PLACE4 ,ONE HAD TO GET UP A FIVE 9 ! MORN+ TO BE AT WORK AT SEV54 ,! ROOMS W]E /UFFY1 UNV5TILAT$1 & D>K4 ,OIL LAMPS GAVE ! LI<T2 ! SUN NEV] P5ETRAT$ ! WORK ROOM4 

,!RE W]E SIX HUNDR$ ( US1 ( ALL AGES1 WORK+ ON CO/LY & BEAUTIFUL GLOVES DAY 91 DAY \T1 = V]Y SMALL PAY4 ,BUT WE W]E ALL[$ SUFFICI5T TIME = \R NOON MEAL & TWICE A DAY = TEA4 ,WE C\LD TALK AN S+ :ILE AT WORK2 WE W]E NOT DRIV5 OR H>ASS$4 ,?AT WAS 9 ,/4 ,PET]SBURG1 9 #a#h#h#b1 

,N[ ,I WAS 9 ,AM]ICA1 9 ! ,FL[] ,CITY ( ! ,/ATE ( ,NEW ,YORK1 9 A MODEL FACTORY1 AS ,I WAS TOLD4 ,C]TA9LY1 ,G>SON'S CLO?+WORKS W]E A VA/ IMPROVEM5T ON ! GLOVE FACTORY ON ! ,VASSILEVSKY ,O/ROV4 ,! ROOMS W]E L>GE1 BRI<T1 & AIRY4 ,ONE HAD ELB[SPACE4 ,!RE W]E NONE ( ?OSE ILL-SMELL+ ODORS ?AT US$ TO NAUSEATE ME 9 \R C\S9'S %OP4 ,YET ! WORK H]E WAS H>D]1 & ! DAY1 ) ONLY HALF AN H\R = LUN*1 SEEM$ 5DLESS4 ,! IRON DISCIPL9E =BADE FREE MOVEM5T 7ONE C\LD NOT EV5 GO TO ! TOILET )\T P]MISSION71 & ! CON/ANT SURVEILLANCE ( ! =EMAN WEI<$ LIKE /ONE ON MY HE>T4 ,! 5D ( EA* DAY F\ND ME SAPP$1 ) JU/ 5\< 5]GY TO DRAG MYSELF TO MY SI/]'S HOME & CRAWL 9TO B$4 ,?IS CONT9U$ ) DEADLY MONOTONY WEEK AFT] WEEK4 

,! AMAZ+ ?+ TO ME WAS ?AT NO ONE ELSE 9 ! FACTORY SEEM$ TO BE SO AFFECT$ AS ,I1 NO ONE BUT MY NEI<BOR1 FRAIL LITTLE ,TANYA4 ,%E WAS DELICATE & PALE1 FREQU5TLY COMPLA9$ ( HEADA*ES1 & (T5 BROKE 9TO TE>S :5 ! TASK ( H&L+ HEAVY UL/]S PROV$ TOO MU* = H]4 ,ONE MORN+1 AS ,I LOOK$ UP FROM MY WORK1 ,I DISCOV]$ H] ALL HUDDL$ 9 A HEAP4 ,%E HAD FALL5 9 A FA9T4 ,I CALL$ TO ! =EMAN TO HELP ME C>RY H] TO ! DRESS+-ROOM1 BUT ! DEAF5+ NOISE ( ! MA*9ES DR[N$ MY VOICE4 ,SEV]AL GIRLS NE> BY HE>D ME & BEGAN TO %\T4 ,!Y CEAS$ WORK+ & RU%$ OV] TO ,TANYA4 ,! SUDD5 /OPP+ ( ! MA*9ES ATTRACT$ ! =EMAN'S ATT5TION & HE CAME OV] TO US4 ,)\T EV5 ASK+ ! REASON = ! COMMOTION1 HE %\T$3 0,BACK TO Y\R MA*9ES6 ,:AT DO Y\ MEAN /OPP+ WORK N[8 ,DO Y\ WANT TO BE FIR$8 ,GET BACK AT ONCE60 ,:5 HE SPI$ ! CRUMPL$ BODY ( ,TANYA1 HE YELL$3 0,:AT ! HELL IS ! MATT] ) H]80 0,%E HAS FA9T$10 ,I REPLI$1 TRY+ H>D TO CONTROL MY VOICE4 0,FA9T$1 NO?+10 HE SNE]$1 0%E'S ONLY %AMM+40 

0,Y\ >E A LI> & A BRUTE60 ,I CRI$1 NO LONG] ABLE TO KEEP BACK MY 9DIGNATION4 

,I B5T OV] ,TANYA1 LOOS5$ H] WAI/1 & SQUEEZ$ ! JUICE ( AN ORANGE ,I HAD 9 MY LUN* BASKET 9TO H] HALF-OP5$ M\?4 ,H] FACE WAS :ITE1 A COLD SWEAT ON H] =EHEAD4 ,%E LOOK$ SO ILL ?AT EV5 ! =EMAN REALIZ$ %E HAD NOT BE5 %AMM+4 ,HE EXCUS$ H] = ! DAY4 0,I WILL GO ) ,TANYA10 ,I SAID2 0Y\ CAN D$UCT FROM MY PAY = ! TIME40 0,Y\ CAN GO TO HELL1 Y\ WILDCAT60 HE FLUNG AFT] ME4 

,WE W5T TO A C(FEE PLACE4 ,I MYSELF FELT EMPTY & FA9T1 BUT ALL WE HAD BETWE5 US WAS SEV5TY-FIVE C5TS4 ,WE DECID$ TO SP5D =TY ON FOOD1 & USE ! RE/ = A /REET-C> RIDE TO ! P>K4 ,!RE1 9 ! FRE% AIR1 AMID ! FL[]S & TREES1 WE =GOT \R DREAD$ TASKS4 ,! DAY ?AT HAD BEGUN 9 TR\BLE 5D$ RE/FULLY & 9 PEACE4 

,! NEXT MORN+ ! 5]VAT+ R\T9E />T$ ALL OV] AGA91 CONT9U+ = WEEKS & MON?S1 BROK5 ONLY BY ! NEW >RIVAL 9 \R FAMILY1 A BABY GIRL4 ,! *ILD BECAME ! ONE 9T]E/ 9 MY DULL EXI/5CE4 ,(T51 :5 ! ATMOSPH]E 9 ,G>SON'S FACTORY ?REAT5$ TO OV]COME ME1 ! ?\<T ( ! LOVELY MITE AT HOME REVIV$ MY SPIRIT4 ,! EV5+S W]E NO LONG] DRE>Y & MEAN+LESS4 ,BUT1 :ILE LITTLE ,/ELLA BR\<T JOY 9TO \R H\SEHOLD1 %E ADD$ TO ! MAT]IAL ANXIETY ( MY SI/] & MY BRO!R-9-LAW4 

,L5A NEV] BY WORD OR DE$ MADE ME FEEL ?AT ! DOLL> & FIFTY C5TS ,I WAS GIV+ H] = MY BO>D 7! C> F>E AM\NT$ TO SIXTY C5TS A WEEK1 ! REMA9+ =TY C5TS BE+ MY P9-MONEY7 DID NOT COV] MY KEEP4 ,BUT ,I HAD OV]HE>D MY BRO!R-9-LAW GRUMBL+ OV] ! GR[+ EXP5SES ( ! H\SE4 ,I FELT HE WAS RI<T4 ,I DID NOT WANT MY SI/] WORRI$1 %E WAS NURS+ H] *ILD4 ,I DECID$ TO APPLY = A RISE4 ,I KNEW IT WAS NO USE TALK+ TO ! =EMAN & !RE=E ,I ASK$ TO SEE ,MR4 ,G>SON4 

,I WAS U%]$ 9TO A LUXURI\S (FICE4 ,AM]ICAN ,BEAUTIES W]E ON ! TABLE4 ,(T5 ,I HAD ADMIR$ !M 9 ! FL[] %OPS1 & ONCE1 UNABLE TO )/& ! TEMPTATION1 ,I HAD GONE 9 TO ASK ! PRICE4 ,!Y W]E ONE DOLL> & A HALF APIECE --- MORE ?AN HALF ( MY WEEK'S E>N+S4 ,! LOVELY VASE 9 ,MR4 ,G>SON'S (FICE HELD A GREAT MANY ( !M4 

,I WAS NOT ASK$ TO SIT D[N4 ,= A MOM5T ,I =GOT MY MISSION4 ,! BEAUTIFUL ROOM1 ! ROSES1 ! >OMA ( ! BLUI% SMOKE FROM ,MR4 ,G>SON'S CIG>1 FASC9AT$ ME4 ,I WAS RECALL$ TO REALITY BY MY EMPLOY]'S QUE/ION3 0,WELL1 :AT CAN ,I DO = Y\8 0 

,I HAD COME TO ASK = A RISE1 ,I TOLD HIM4 ,! TWO DOLL>S & A HALF ,I WAS GETT+ DID NOT PAY MY BO>D1 LET ALONE ANY?+ ELSE1 SU* AS AN OCCASIONAL BOOK OR A !AT] TICKET = TW5TY-FIVE C5TS4 ,MR4 ,G>SON REPLI$ ?AT = A FACTORY GIRL ,I HAD RA!R EXTRAVAGANT TA/ES1 ?AT ALL HIS 0H&S0 W]E WELL SATISFI$1 ?AT !Y SEEM$ TO BE GETT+ ALONG ALL RI<T --- ?AT ,I1 TOO1 W\LD HAVE TO MANAGE OR F9D WORK ELSE:]E4 0,IF ,I RAISE Y\R WAGES1 ,I'LL HAVE TO RAISE ! O!RS' AS WELL & ,I CAN'T AF=D ?AT10 HE SAID4 ,I DECID$ TO LEAVE ,G>SON'S EMPLOY4 

,A FEW DAYS LAT] ,I SECUR$ A JOB AT ,RUB9/E9'S FACTORY AT F\R DOLL>S A WEEK4 ,IT WAS A SMALL %OP1 NOT F> FROM :]E ,I LIV$4 ,! H\SE /OOD 9 A G>D51 & ONLY A DOZ5 M5 & WOM5 W]E EMPLOY$ 9 ! PLACE4 ,! ,G>SON DISCIPL9E & DRIVE W]E MISS+4 

,NEXT TO MY MA*9E WORK$ AN ATTRACTIVE Y\NG MAN :OSE NAME WAS ,JACOB ,K]%N]4 ,HE LIV$ NE> ,L5A'S HOME1 & WE W\LD (T5 WALK FROM WORK TOGE!R4 ,BE=E LONG HE BEGAN CALL+ = ME 9 ! MORN+4 ,WE US$ TO CONV]SE 9 ,RUSSIAN1 MY ,5GLI% /ILL BE+ V]Y HALT+4 ,HIS ,RUSSIAN WAS LIKE MUSIC TO ME2 IT WAS ! FIR/ REAL ,RUSSIAN1 \TSIDE ( ,HEL5A'S1 ?AT ,I HAD HAD AN OPPORTUNITY TO HE> 9 ,RO*E/] S9CE MY >RIVAL4 

,K]%N] HAD COME TO ,AM]ICA 9 #ahha FROM ,ODESSA1 :]E HE HAD F9I%$ ! ,GYMNASIUM ,HAV+ NO TRADE1 HE BECAME AN 0 OP]ATOR0 ON CLOAKS4 ,HE US$ TO SP5D MO/ ( HIS LEISURE1 HE TOLD ME1 READ+ OR GO+ TO DANCES4 ,HE HAD NO FRI5DS1 BECAUSE HE F\ND HIS C[ORK]S 9 ,RO*E/] 9T]E/$ ONLY 9 MONEY-MAK+1 !IR IDEAL BE+ TO />T A %OP ( !IR [N4 ,HE HAD HE>D ( \R >RIVAL1 ,HEL5A'S & M9E --- HAD EV5 SE5 ME ON ! /REET SEV]AL TIMES --- BUT HE DID NOT KN[ H[ TO GET ACQUA9T$4 ,N[ HE W\LD NO LONG] FEEL LONELY1 HE SAID BRI<TLY2 WE C\LD VISIT PLACES TOGE!R & HE W\LD L5D ME HIS BOOKS TO READ4 ,MY [N LONEL9ESS NO LONG] WAS SO POIGNANT4 

,I TOLD MY SI/]S ( MY NEW ACQUA9TANCE1 & ,L5A ASK$ ME TO 9VITE HIM ! NEXT ,SUNDAY4 ,:5 ,K]%N] CAME1 %E WAS FAVORABLY IMPRESS$2 BUT ,HEL5A TOOK A VIOL5T DISLIKE TO HIM FROM ! FIR/4 ,%E SAID NO?+ AB\T IT = A LONG TIME1 BUT ,I C\LD S5SE IT4 

,ONE DAY ,K]%N] 9VIT$ ME TO A DANCE4 ,IT WAS MY FIR/ S9CE ,I CAME TO ,AM]ICA4 ,! V]Y ANTICIPATION WAS EXCIT+1 BR++ BACK MEMORIES ( MY FIR/ BALL 9 ,/4 ,PET]SBURG4 

,I WAS FIFTE5 !N4 ,HEL5A HAD BE5 9VIT$ TO ! FA%IONABLE ,G]MAN ,CLUB BY H] EMPLOY]1 :O GAVE H] TWO TICKETS1 SO %E C\LD BR+ ME ) H]4 ,SOME TIME PREVI\SLY MY SI/] HAD PRES5T$ ME ) A PIECE ( LOVELY BLUE VELVET = MY FIR/ LONG DRESS2 BUT BE=E IT C\LD BE MADE UP1 \R PEASANT S]VANT WALK$ (F ) ! MAT]IAL4 ,MY GRIEF OV] ITS LOSS MADE ME QUITE ILL = SEV]AL DAYS4 ,IF ONLY ,I HAD A DRESS1 ,I ?\<T1 ,FA!R MI<T CONS5T TO MY ATT5D+ ! BALL4 0,I'LL GET Y\ MAT]IAL = A DRESS10 ,HEL5A CONSOL$ ME1 0BUT ,I'M AFRAID ,FA!R WILL REFUSE40 0,!N ,I WILL DEFY HIM60 ,I DECL>$4 

,%E B\<T ANO!R PIECE ( BLUE /UFF1 NOT SO BEAUTIFUL AS MY VELVET1 BUT ,I NO LONG] M9D$4 ,I WAS TOO HAPPY OV] ! PROSPECT ( MY FIR/ BALL1 ( ! BLISS ( DANC+ 9 PUBLIC4 ,SOMEH[ ,HEL5A SUCCE$$ 9 GETT+ ,FA!R'S CONS5T1 BUT AT ! LA/ MOM5T HE *ANG$ HIS M9D4 ,I HAD BE5 GUILTY ( SOME 9FRACTION DUR+ ! DAY1 & HE CATEGORICALLY DECL>$ ?AT ,I W\LD HAVE TO /AY HOME4 ,!REUPON ,HEL5A SAID %E ALSO W\LD NOT GO4 ,BUT ,I WAS DET]M9$ TO DEFY MY FA!R1 NO MATT] :AT ! CONSEQU5CES4 

,) BAT$ BREA? ,I WAIT$ = MY P>5TS TO RETIRE = ! NI<T4 ,!N ,I DRESS$ & WOKE ,HEL5A1 ,I TOLD H] %E MU/ COME ) ME OR ,I W\LD RUN AWAY FROM HOME4 0,WE CAN BE BACK BE=E ,FA!R WAKES UP10 ,I URG$4 ,DE> ,HEL5A --- %E WAS ALWAYS SO TIMID6 ,%E HAD 9F9ITE CAPACITY = SUFF]+1 = 5DURANCE1 BUT %E C\LD NOT FI<T4 ,ON ?IS OCCASION %E WAS C>RI$ AWAY BY MY DESP]ATE DECISION4 ,%E DRESS$ & WE QUIETLY SLIPP$ \T ( ! H\SE4 

,AT ! ,G]MAN ,CLUB EV]Y?+ WAS BRI<T & GAY4 ,WE F\ND ,HEL5A'S EMPLOY]1 :OSE NAME WAS ,KADISON1 & SOME ( HIS Y\NG FRI5DS4 ,I WAS ASK$ = EV]Y DANCE1 & ,I DANC$ 9 FRANTIC EXCITEM5T & AB&ON4 ,IT WAS GETT+ LATE & MANY PEOPLE W]E ALREADY LEAV+ :5 ,KADISON 9VIT$ ME = ANO!R DANCE4 ,HEL5A 9SI/$ ?AT ,I WAS TOO EXHAU/$1 BUT ,I W\LD NOT HAVE IT SO4 0,I WILL DANCE60 ,I DECL>$2 0,I WILL DANCE MYSELF TO DEA?60 ,MY FLE% FELT HOT1 MY HE>T BEAT VIOL5TLY AS MY CAVALI] SWUNG ME R\ND ! BALL-ROOM1 HOLD+ ME TI<TLY4 ,TO DANCE TO DEA? --- :AT MORE GLORI\S 5D6 

,IT WAS T[>DS FIVE 9 ! MORN+ :5 WE >RIV$ HOME4 ,\R PEOPLE W]E /ILL ASLEEP4 ,I AWOKE LATE 9 ! DAY1 PRET5D+ A SICK HEADA*E1 & SECRETLY ,I GLORI$ 9 MY TRIUMPH ( HAV+ \TWITT$ \R OLD MAN4 

,! MEMORY ( ?AT EXP]I5CE /ILL VIVID 9 MY M9D1 ,I ACCOMPANI$ ,JACOB ,K]%N] TO ! P>TY1 FULL ( ANTICIPATION4 ,MY DISAPPO9TM5T WAS BITT]3 !RE W]E NO BEAUTIFUL BALL-ROOM1 NO LOVELY WOM51 NO DA%+ Y\NG M51 NO GAIETY4 ,! MUSIC WAS %RILL1 ! DANC]S CLUMSY4 ,JACOB DANC$ NOT BADLY1 BUT HE LACK$ SPIRIT & FIRE4 0,F\R YE>S AT ! MA*9E HAVE TAK5 ! /R5G? \T ( ME10 HE SAID2 0,I GET TIR$ SO EASILY40 

,I HAD KN[N ,JACOB ,K]%N] AB\T F\R MON?S :5 HE ASK$ ME TO M>RY HIM4 ,I ADMITT$ ,I LIK$ HIM1 BUT ,I DID NOT WANT TO M>RY SO Y\NG4 ,WE /ILL KNEW SO LITTLE ( EA* O!R4 ,HE SAID HE'D WAIT AS LONG AS ,I PLEAS$1 BUT !RE WAS ALREADY A GREAT DEAL ( TALK AB\T \R BE+ TOGE!R SO MU*4 0,:Y %\LD WE NOT GET 5GAG$80 HE PLEAD$4 ,F9ALLY ,I CONS5T$4 ,HEL5A'S ANTAGONISM TO ,JACOB HAD BECOME ALMO/ AN OBSESSION2 %E FAIRLY HAT$ HIM4 ,BUT ,I WAS LONELY --- ,I NE$$ COMPANION%IP4 ,ULTIMATELY ,I WON OV] MY SI/]4 ,H] GREAT LOVE = ME C\LD NEV] REFUSE ME ANY?+ OR /& \T AGA9/ MY WI%ES4 

,! LATE FALL ( #ahhf BR\<T ! RE/ ( \R FAMILY TO ,RO*E/] --- ,FA!R1 ,MO!R1 MY BRO!RS1 ,H]MAN & ,YEGOR4 ,CONDITIONS 9 ,/4 ,PET]SBURG HAD BECOME 9TOL]ABLE = ! ,JEWS1 & ! GROC]Y BUS9ESS DID NOT YIELD 5\< = ! EV]-GR[+ BRIB]Y ,FA!R HAD TO PRACTICE 9 ORD] TO BE ALL[$ TO EXI/4 ,AM]ICA BECAME ! ONLY SOLUTION4 

,TOGE!R ) ,HEL5A ,I HAD PREP>$ A HOME = \R P>5TS1 & ON !IR >RIVAL WE W5T TO LIVE ) !M4 ,\R E>N+S SOON PROV$ 9ADEQUATE TO MEET ! H\SEHOLD EXP5SES4 ,JACOB ,K]%N] (F]$ TO BO>D ) US1 :I* W\LD BE ( SOME HELP1 & BE=E LONG HE MOV$ 94 

,! H\SE WAS SMALL1 CONSI/+ ( A LIV+-ROOM1 A KIT*51 & TWO B$ROOMS4 ,ONE ( !M WAS US$ BY MY P>5TS1 ! O!R BY ,HEL5A1 MYSELF1 & \R LITTLE BRO!R4 ,K]%N] & ,H]MAN SLEPT 9 ! LIV+-ROOM4 ,! CLOSE PROXIMITY ( ,JACOB & ! LACK ( PRIVACY KEPT ME 9 CON/ANT IRRITATION4 ,I SUFF]$ FROM SLEEPLESS NI<TS1 WAK+ DREAMS & GREAT FATIGUE AT WORK4 ,LIFE WAS BECOM+ UNBE>ABLE1 & ,JACOB /RESS$ ! NE$ ( A HOME ( \R [N4 

,ON NE>] ACQUA9TANCE ,I HAD GR[N TO UND]/& ?AT WE W]E TOO DIFF]5T4 ,HIS 9T]E/ 9 BOOKS1 :I* HAD FIR/ ATTRACT$ ME TO HIM1 HAD WAN$4 ,HE BAD FALL5 9TO ! WAYS ( HIS %OPMATES1 PLAY+ C>DS & ATT5D+ DULL DANCES4 ,I1 ON ! CONTR>Y1 WAS FILL$ ) /RIV+ & ASPIRATIONS4 ,9 SPIRIT ,I WAS /ILL 9 ,RUSSIA1 9 MY BELOV$ ,/4 ,PET]SBURG1 LIV+ 9 ! WORLD ( ! BOOKS ,I HAD READ1 ! OP]AS ,I HAD HE>D1 ! CIRCLE ( ! /UD5TS ,I HAD KN[N4 ,I HAT$ ,RO*E/] EV5 MORE ?AN BE=E4 ,BUT ,K]%N] WAS ! ONLY HUMAN BE+ ,I HAD MET S9CE MY >RIVAL4 ,HE FILL$ A VOID 9 MY LIFE1 & ,I WAS /RONGLY ATTRACT$ TO HIM4 ,9 ,FEBRU>Y #ahhg WE W]E M>RI$ 9 ,RO*E/] BY A RABBI1 ACCORD+ TO ,JEWI% RITES1 :I* ,I W]E !N CONSID]$ SUFFICI5T BY ! LAW ( ! C\NTRY4 

,MY FEV]I% EXCITEM5T ( ?AT DAY1 MY SUSP5SE & >D5T ANTICIPATION GAVE WAY AT NI<T TO A FEEL+ ( UTT] BEWILD]M5T4 ,JACOB LAY TREMBL+ NE> ME2 HE WAS IMPOT5T4 

,! FIR/ ]OTIC S5SATIONS ,I REMEMB] HAD COME TO ME :5 ,I WAS AB\T SIX4 ,MY P>5TS LIV$ 9 ,POPELAN !N1 :]E WE *ILDR5 HAD NO HOME 9 ANY REAL S5SE4 ,FA!R KEPT AN 9N1 :I* WAS CON/ANTLY FILL$ ) PEASANTS DRUNK & QU>REL+1 & GOV]NM5T (FICIALS4 ,MO!R WAS BUSY SUP]9T5D+ ! S]VANTS 9 \R L>GE1 *AOTIC H\SE4 ,MY SI/]S1 ,L5A & ,HEL5A1 F\RTE5 & TWELVE1 W]E BURD5$ ) WORK4 ,I WAS LEFT TO MYSELF MO/ ( ! DAY4 ,AMONG ! /ABLE HELP !RE WAS A Y\NG PEASANT1 ,PETRU%KA1 :O S]V$ AS %EPH]D1 LOOK+ AFT] \R C[S & %EEP4 ,(T5 HE W\LD TAKE ME ) HIM TO ! MEAD[S1 & ,I W\LD LI/5 TO ! SWEET TONES ( HIS FLUTE4 ,9 ! EV5+ HE W\LD C>RY ME BACK HOME ON HIS %\LD]S1 ,I SITT+ A/RIDE4 ,HE W\LD PLAY HORSE --- RUN AS FA/ AS HIS LEGS C\LD C>RY HIM1 !N SUDD5LY ?R[ ME UP 9 ! AIR1 CAT* ME 9 HIS >MS1 & PRESS ME TO HIM4 ,IT US$ TO GIVE ME A PECULI> S5SATION1 FILL ME ) EXULTATION1 FOLL[$ BY BLISSFUL RELEASE4 

,I BECAME 9SEP>ABLE FROM ,PETRU%KA4 ,I GREW SO FOND ( HIM ?AT ,I BEGAN /EAL+ CAKE & FRUIT FROM ,MO!R'S PANTRY = HIM4 ,TO BE ) ,PETRU%KA \T 9 ! FIELDS1 TO LI/5 TO HIS MUSIC1 TO RIDE ON HIS %\LD]S1 BECAME ! OBSESSION ( MY WAK+ & SLEEP+ H\RS4 ,ONE DAY ,FA!R HAD AN ALT]CATION ) ,PETRU%KA1 & ! BOY WAS S5T AWAY4 ,! LOSS ( HIM WAS ONE ( ! GREATE/ TRAG$IES ( 9 *ILD-LIFE4 ,= WEEKS AFT]W>DS ,I KEPT ON DREAM+ ( ,PETRU%KA1 ! MEAD[S1 ! MUSIC1 & RELIV+ ! JOY & EC/ASY ( \R PLAY4 ,ONE MORN+ ,I FELT MYSELF TORN \T ( SLEEP4 ,MO!R WAS B5D+ OV] ME1 TI<TLY HOLD+ MY RI<T H&4 ,9 AN ANGRY VOICE ,I %E CRI$3 0,IF EV] ,I F9D Y\R H& AGA9 LIKE ?AT1 ,I'LL :IP Y\1 Y\ NAU<TY *ILD60 

,! APPROA* ( PUB]TY GAVE ME MY FIR/ CONSCI\SNESS ( ! EFFECT ( M5 ON ME4 ,I WAS ELEV5 !N4 ,E>LY ONE SUMM] DAY ,I WOKE UP 9 GREAT AGONY4 ,MY HEAD1 SP9E1 & LEGS A*$ AS IF !Y W]E BE+ PULL$ ASUND]4 ,I CALL$ = ,MO!R4 ,%E DREW BACK MY B$COV]S1 & SUDD5LY ,I FELT A /++ PA9 9 MY FACE4 ,%E HAD /RUCK ME4 ,I LET \T A %RIEK1 FA/5+ ON ,MO!R T]RIFI$ EYES4 0,?IS IS NECESS>Y = A GIRL10 %E SAID1 0:5 %E BECOMES A WOMAN1 AS A PROTECTION AGA9/ DISGRACE40 ,%E TRI$ TO TAKE ME 9 H] >MS1 BUT ,I PU%$ H] BACK4 ,I WAS WRI?+ 9 PA9 & ,I WAS TOO \TRAG$ = H] TO T\* ME4 0,I AM GO+ TO DIE10 ,I H[L$1 0,I WANT ! ,FELDS*] 7ASSI/ANT DOCTOR740 ,! ,FELDS*] WAS S5T =4 ,HE WAS A Y\NG MAN1 A NEW-COM] 9 \R VILLAGE4 ,HE EXAM9$ ME & GAVE ME SOME?+ TO PUT ME TO SLEEP4 ,!NCE=? MY DREAMS W]E ( ! ,FELDS*]4 

,:5 ,I WAS FIFTE51 ,I WAS EMPLOY$ 9 A CORSET FACTORY 9 ! ,H]MITAGE ,>CADE 9 ,/4 ,PET]SBURG4 ,AFT] WORK+ H\RS1 ON LEAV+ ! %OP TOGE!R ) ! O!R GIRLS1 WE W\LD BE WAYLAID BY Y\NG ,RUSSIAN (FIC]S & CIVILIANS4 ,MO/ ( ! GIRLS HAD !IR SWEE!>TS2 ONLY A ,JEWI% GIRL *UM ( M9E & ,I REFUS$ TO BE TAK5 TO ! KONDITORSKAYA 7PA/RY %OP7 OR TO ! P>K4 

,NEXT TO ! ,H]MITAGE WAS A HOTEL WE HAD TO PASS4 ,ONE ( ! CL]KS1 A H&SOME FELL[ ( AB\T TW5TY1 S+L$ ME \T = HIS ATT5TIONS4 ,AT FIR/ ,I SCORN$ HIM1 BUT GRADUALLY HE BEGAN TO EX]T A FASC9ATION ON ME4 ,HIS P]SEV]ANCE SL[LY UND]M9$ MY PRIDE & ,I ACCEPT$ HIS C\RT%IP4 ,WE US$ TO MEET 9 SOME QUIET SPOT OR 9 AN \T-(-!-WAY PA/RY %OP4 ,I HAD TO 9V5T ALL SORTS ( /ORIES TO EXPLA9 TO MY FA!R :Y ,I RETURN$ LATE FROM WORK OR /AY$ \T AFT] N9E O'CLOCK4 ,ONE DAY HE SPI$ ME 9 ! ,SUMM] ,G>D5 9 ! COMPANY ( O!R GIRLS & SOME BOY /UD5TS4 ,:5 ,I RETURN$ HOME1 HE ?REW ME VIOL5TLY AGA9/ ! %ELVES 9 \R GROC]Y /ORE1 :I* S5T ! J>S ( ,MO!R'S WOND]FUL V>5YA FLY+ TO ! FLOOR4 ,HE P\ND$ ME ) HIS FI/S1 %\T+ ?AT HE W\LD NOT TOL]ATE A LOOSE DAU<T]4 ,! EXP]I5CE MADE MY HOME MORE UNBE>ABLE1 ! NE$ ( ESCAPE MORE COMPELL+4 

,= SEV]AL MON?S MY ADMIR] & ,I MET CL&E/9ELY4 ,ONE DAY HE ASK$ ME :E!R ,I %\LD NOT LIKE TO GO ?R\< ! HOTEL TO SEE ! LUXURI\S ROOMS4 ,I HAD NEV] BE5 9 A HOTEL BE=E --- ! JOY & GAIETY ,I FANCI$ BEH9D ! GORGE\S W9D[S US$ TO FASC9ATE ME AS ,I W\LD PASS ! PLACE ON MY WAY FROM WORK4 

,! BOY L$ ME ?R\< A SIDE 5TRANCE1 ALONG A ?ICKLY C>PET$ CORRIDOR1 9TO A L>GE ROOM4 ,IT WAS BRI<TLY ILLUM9$ & BEAUTIFULLY FURNI%$4 ,A TABLE NE> ! S(A HELD FL[]S & A TEA-TRAY4 ,WE SAT D[N4 ,! Y\NG MAN P\R$ \T A GOLD5-COLOR$ LIQUID & ASK$ ME TO CL9K GLASSES TO \R FRI5D%IP4 ,I PUT ! W9E TO MY LIPS4 ,SUDD5LY ,I F\ND MYSELF 9 HIS >MS1 MY WAI/ TORN OP5 - HIS PASSIONATE KISSES COV]$ MY FACE1 NECK1 & BREA/S4 ,NOT UNTIL AFT] ! VIOL5T CONTACT ( \R BODIES & ! EXCRUCIAT+ PA9 HE CAUS$ ME DID ,I COME TO MY S5SES4 ,I SCREAM$1 SAVAGELY BEAT+ AGA9/ ! MAN'S *E/ ) MY FI/S4 ,SUDD5LY ,I HE>D ,HEL5A'S VOICE 9 ! HALL4 0,%E MU/ BE H]E - %E MU/ BE H]E60 ,I BECAME SPEE*LESS4 ,! MAN1 TOO1 WAS T]RORIZ$4 ,HIS GRIP RELAX$1 & WE LI/5$ 9 BREA?LESS SIL5CE4 ,AFT] :AT SEEM$ TO ME H\RS1 ,HEL5A'S VOICE REC$$4 ,! MAN GOT UP4 ,I ROSE ME*ANICALLY1 ME*ANICALLY BUTTON$ MY WAI/ & BRU%$ BACK MY HAIR4 

,/RANGE1 ,I FELT NO %AME - ONLY A GREAT %OCK AT ! DISCOV]Y ?AT ! CONTACT BETWE5 MAN & WOMAN C\LD BE SO BRUTAL & SO PA9FUL1 ,I WALK$ \T 9 A DAZE1 BRUIS$ 9 EV]Y N]VE4 

,:5 ,I REA*$ HOME ,I F\ND ,HEL5A FE>FULLY WR\<T UP4 ,%E HAD BE5 UNEASY AB\T ME1 AW>E ( MY MEET+ ) ! BOY4 ,%E HAD MADE IT H] BUS9ESS TO F9D \T :]E HE WORK$1 & :5 ,I FAIL$ TO RETURN1 %E HAD GONE TO ! HOTEL 9 SE>* ( ME4 ,! %AME ,I DID NOT FEEL 9 ! >MS ( ! MAN N[ OV]:ELM$ ME4 ,I C\LD NOT MU/] UP C\RAGE TO TELL ,HEL5A ( MY EXP]I5CE4 

,AFT] ?AT ,I ALWAYS FELT BETWE5 TWO FIRES 9 ! PRES5CE ( M54 ,!IR LURE REMA9$ /RONG1 BUT IT WAS ALWAYS M+L$ ) VIOL5T REVULSION4 ,I C\LD NOT BE> TO HAVE !M T\* ME4 

,!SE PICTURES PASS$ ?R\< MY M9D VIVIDLY AS ,I LAY ALONGSIDE MY HUSB& ON \R W$D+ NI<T4 ,HE HAD FALL5 FA/ ASLEEP4 

,! WEEKS W5T ON4 ,!RE WAS NO *ANGE4 ,I URG$ ,JACOB TO CONSULT A DOCTOR4 ,AT FIR/ HE REFUS$1 PLEAD+ DIFFID5CE1 BUT F9ALLY HE W5T4 ,HE WAS TOLD IT W\LD TAKE CONSID]ABLE TIME TO 0BUILD UP HIS MANHOOD40 ,MY [N PASSION HAD SUBSID$4 ,! MAT]IAL ANXIETY ( MAK+ 5DS MEET EXCLUD$ EV]Y?+ ELSE4 ,I HAD /OPP$ WORK3 IT WAS CONSID]$ DISGRACEFUL = A M>RI$ WOMAN TO GO TO ! %OP4 ,JACOB WAS E>N+ FIFTE5 DOLL>S A WEEK4 ,HE HAD DEVELOP$ A PASSION = C>DS1 :I* SWALL[$ UP A CONSID]ABLE P>T ( \R 9COME4 ,HE GREW JEAL\S1 SUSPECT+ EV]YONE4 ,LIFE BECAME 9SUPPORTABLE4 ,I WAS SAV$ FROM UTT] DESPAIR BY MY 9T]E/ 9 ! ,HAYM>KET EV5TS4 

,AFT] ! DEA? ( ! ,*ICAGO AN>*I/S ,I 9SI/$ ON A SEP>ATION FROM ,K]%N]4 ,HE F\<T LONG AGA9/ IT1 BUT F9ALLY CONS5T$ TO A DIVORCE4 ,IT WAS GIV5 TO US BY ! SAME RABBI :O HAD P]=M$ \R M>RIAGE C]EMONY4 ,!N ,I LEFT = ,NEW ,HAV51 ,CONNECTICUT1 TO WORK 9 A CORSET-FACTORY4 

,DUR+ MY EF=TS TO FREE MYSELF FROM ,K]%N] ! ONLY ONE :O /OOD BY ME WAS MY SI/] ,HEL5A4 ,%E HAD BE5 /R5U\SLY OPPOS$ TO ! M>RIAGE 9 ! FIR/ PLACE1 BUT N[ %E (F]$ NOT A S+LE REPROA*4 ,ON ! CONTR>Y1 %E GAVE ME HELP & COM=T4 ,%E PLEAD$ ) MY P>5TS & ) ,L5A 9 BEHALF ( MY DECISION TO GET A DIVORCE4 ,AS ALWAYS1 H] DEVOTION KNEW NO B\NDS4 

,9 ,NEW ,HAV5 ,I MET A GR\P ( Y\NG ,RUSSIANS1 /UD5TS MA9LY1 N[ WORK+ AT V>I\S TRADES4 ,MO/ ( !M W]E SOCIALI/S & AN>*I/S4 ,!Y (T5 ORGANIZ$ MEET+S1 G5]ALLY 9VIT+ SPEAK]S FROM ,NEW ,YORK1 ONE ( :OM WAS ,A4 ,SOLOT>(F4 ,LIFE WAS 9T]E/+ & COLORFUL1 BUT GRADUALLY ! /RA9 ( ! WORK BECAME TOO MU* = MY DEPLET$ VITALITY4 ,F9ALLY ,I HAD TO RETURN TO ,RO*E/]4 

,I W5T TO ,HEL5A4 ,%E LIV$ ) H] HUSB& & *ILD OV] !IR LITTLE PR9T+ %OP1 :I* ALSO S]V$ AS AN (FICE = !IR /EAM%IP AG5CY4 ,BUT BO? OCCUPATIONS DID NOT BR+ 9 5\< TO KEEP !M FROM DIRE POV]TY4 ,HEL5A HAD M>RI$ ,JACOB ,HO*/E91 A MAN T5 YE>S H] S5IOR4 ,HE WAS A GREAT ,HEBREW S*OL>1 AN AU?ORITY ON ! ,5GLI% & ,RUSSIAN CLASSICS1 & A V]Y R>E P]SONALITY4 ,HIS 9TEGRITY & 9DEP5D5T *>ACT] MADE HIM A POOR COMPETITOR 9 ! SORDID BUS9ESS LIFE4 ,:5 ANYONE BR\<T HIM A PR9T+ ORD] WOR? TWO DOLL>S1 ,JACOB ,HO*/E9 DEVOT$ AS MU* TIME TO IT AS IF HE W]E GETT+ FIFTY4 ,IF A CU/OM] %[$ A T5D5CY TO B>GA9 OV] PRICES1 HE W\LD S5D HIM AWAY4 ,HE C\LD NOT BE> ! IMPLICATION ?AT HE MI<T OV]*>GE4 ,HIS 9COME WAS 9SUFFICI5T = ! NE$S ( ! FAMILY1 & ! ONE TO WORRY & FRET MO/ AB\T IT WAS MY POOR ,HEL5A4 ,%E WAS PREGNANT ) H] SECOND *ILD & YET HAD TO DRUDGE FROM MORN+ TILL NI<T TO MAKE 5DS MEET1 ) NEV] A WORD ( COMPLA9T4 ,BUT1 !N1 %E HAD BE5 ?AT WAY ALL H] LIFE1 SUFF]+ SIL5TLY1 ALWAYS RESIGN$4 

,HEL5A'S M>RIAGE HAD NOT SPRUNG FROM A PASSIONATE LOVE4 ,IT WAS ! UNION ( TWO MATURE PEOPLE :O LONG$ = COMRADE%IP1 = A QUIET LIFE4 ,:ATEV] !RE HAD BE5 ( PASSION 9 MY SI/] HAD BURN$ \T :5 %E WAS TW5TY-F\R4 ,AT ! AGE ( SIXTE51 :ILE WE W]E LIV+ 9 ,POPELAN1 %E HAD FALL5 9 LOVE ) A Y\NG ,LI?UANIAN1 A BEAUTIFUL S\L4 ,BUT HE WAS A GOI 7G5TILE7 & ,HEL5A KNEW ?AT M>RIAGE BETWE5 !M WAS IMPOSSIBLE4 ,AFT] A GREAT /RUGGLE & MANY TE>S ,HEL5A BROKE (F ! AFFAIR ) Y\NG ,SA%A4 ,YE>S LAT]1 :ILE ON \R WAY TO ,AM]ICA1 WE /OPP$ 9 ,KOVNO1 \R NATIVE T[N4 ,HEL5A HAD >RANG$ = ,SU%A TO MEET H] !RE4 ,%E C\LD NOT BE> TO GO AWAY SO F> )\T SAY+ GOOD-BYE TO HIM4 ,!Y MET & P>T$ AS GOOD FRI5DS --- ! FIRE ( !IR Y\? WAS 9 A%ES4 

,ON MY RETURN FROM ,NEW ,HAV5 ,HEL5A RECEIV$ ME1 AS ALWAYS1 ) T5D]NESS & ) ! ASSURANCE ?AT H] HOME WAS ALSO M9E4 ,IT WAS GOOD TO BE NE> MY D>L+ AGA91 ) LITTLE ,/ELLA & MY Y\NG BRO!R ,YEGOR4 ,BUT IT DID NOT TAKE ME LONG TO DISCOV] ! P9*$ CONDITION 9 ,HEL5A'S HOME4 ,I W5T BACK TO ! %OP4 

,LIV+ 9 ! ,JEWI% DI/RICT1 IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO AVOID ?OSE ONE DID NOT WI% TO SEE4 ,I RAN 9TO ,K]%N] ALMO/ IMM$IATELY AFT] MY >RIVAL4 ,DAY AFT] DAY HE W\LD SEEK ME \T4 ,HE BEGAN TO PLEAD ) ME TO GO BACK TO HIM --- ALL W\LD BE DIFF]5T4 ,ONE DAY HE ?REAT5$ SUICIDE --- ACTUALLY PULL$ \T A BOTTLE ( POISON4 ,9SI/5TLY HE PRESS$ ME = A F9AL ANSW]4 

,I WAS NOT NA@&I,U,M,L2VE 5\< TO ?9K ?AT A R5EW$ LIFE ) ,K]%N] W\LD PROVE MORE SATISFACTORY OR LA/+ ?AN AT FIR/4 ,BESIDES1 ,I HAD DEF9ITELY DECID$ TO GO TO ,NEW ,YORK1 TO EQUIP MYSELF = ! WORK ,I HAD V[$ TO TAKE UP AFT] ! DEA? ( MY ,*ICAGO COMRADES4 ,BUT ,K]%N]'S ?REAT FRI<T5$ ME3 ,I C\LD NOT BE RESPONSIBLE = HIS DEA?4 ,I REM>RI$ HIM4 ,MY P>5TS REJOIC$ & SO DID ,L5A & H] HUSB&1 BUT ,HEL5A WAS SICK ) GRIEF4 

,)\T ,K]%N]'S KN[L$GE ,I TOOK UP A C\RSE 9 DRESSMAK+1 9 ORD] TO HAVE A TRADE ?AT W\LD FREE ME FROM ! %OP4 ,DUR+ ?REE LONG MON?S ,I WRE/L$ ) MY HUSB& TO LET ME GO MY WAY4 ,I TRI$ TO MAKE HIM SEE ! FUTILITY ( LIV+ A PAT*$ LIFE1 BUT HE REMA9$ OBDURATE4 ,LATE ONE NI<T1 AFT] BITT] RECRIM9ATIONS1 ,I LEFT ,JACOB ,K]%N] & MY HOME1 ?IS TIME DEF9ITELY4 

,I WAS IMM$IATELY O/RACIZ$ BY ! :OLE ,JEWI% POPULATION ( ,RO*E/]4 ,I C\LD NOT PASS ON ! /REET )\T BE+ HELD UP TO SCORN4 ,MY P>5TS =BADE ME !IR H\SE1 & AGA9 IT WAS ONLY ,HEL5A :O /OOD BY ME4 ,\T ( H] MEAG] 9COME %E EV5 PAID MY F>E TO ,NEW ,YORK4 

,SO ,I LEFT ,RO*E/]1 :]E ,I HAD KN[N SO MU* PA91 H>D WORK1 & LONEL9ESS1 BUT ! JOY ( MY DEP>TURE WAS M>R$ BY SEP>ATION FROM ,HEL5A1 FROM ,/ELLA1 & ! LITTLE BRO!R ,I LOV$ SO WELL4 

,! BREAK ( ! NEW DAY 9 ! ,M9K9 FLAT /ILL F\ND ME AWAKE4 ,! DOOR UPON ! OLD HAD N[ CLOS$ = EV]4 ,! NEW WAS CALL+1 & ,I EAG]LY /RET*$ \T MY H&S T[>DS IT4 ,I FELL 9TO A DEEP1 PEACEFUL SLEEP4 

,I WAS AWAK5$ BY ,ANNA ,M9K9'S VOICE ANN\NC+ ! >RIVAL ( ,ALEX&] ,B]KMAN4 ,IT WAS LATE AFT]NOON4 

,FROM 3 ,AN>*Y ,>*IVES4 

,*RONOLOGY 3 
,DECEMB] #c#a1 #aic 3 ,VOLUME #a1 ,*APT] #b -- ,PUBLICATION4 
,JANU>Y #b#c1 #bag 3 ,VOLUME #a1 ,*APT] #b -- ,ADD$4 

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