,VOLUME #a1 ,*APT] #bf 

#aicaaica 

,PEOPLE 3 

,AU?OR 3 ,EMMA ,GOLDMAN 

,TEXT 3 

  

,PHOTO BY ,SAMUEL ,MANN1,C,C ,B,Y ,LIC5SE ,LIV+ ,MY ,LIFE 

BY ,EMMA ,GOLDMAN 

,VOLUME ONE 

,NEW ,YORK3 ,ALFR$ ,A ,KNOPF ,9C41#a#i#c#a4 

,*APT] #bf 

,! ANTI-,AN>*I/ IMMIGRATION LAW WAS AT LA/ SMUGGL$ ?R\< ,CONGRESS1 & !REAFT] NO P]SON DISBELIEV+ 9 ORGANIZ$ GOV]NM5T WAS TO BE P]MITT$ TO 5T] ! ,UNIT$ ,/ATES4 ,UND] ITS PROVISIONS M5 LIKE ,TOL/OY1 ,KROPOTK91 ,SP5C]1 OR ,$W>D ,C>P5T] C\LD BE EXCLUD$ FROM ! HOSPITABLE %ORES ( ,AM]ICA4 ,TOO LATE DID ! LUKEW>M LIB]ALS REALIZE ! P]IL ( ?IS LAW TO ADVANC$ ?\<T4 ,HAD !Y OPPOS$ 9 A CONC]T$ MANN] ! ACTIVITIES ( ! REACTION>Y ELEM5T1 ! /ATUTE MI<T NOT HAVE BE5 PASS$4 ,! IMM$IATE RESULT ( ?IS NEW ASSAULT ON ,AM]ICAN LIB]TIES1 H[EV]1 WAS A V]Y DECID$ *ANGE ( ATTITUDE T[>DS AN>*I/S4 ,I MYSELF N[ CEAS$ TO BE CONSID]$ ANA!MA2 ON ! CONTR>Y1 ! V]Y PEOPLE :O HAD BE5 HO/ILE TO ME BEGAN TO SEEK ME \T4 ,V>I\S LECTURE =UMS1 LIKE ! ,MANHATTAN ,LIB]AL ,CLUB1 ! ,BROOKLYN ,PHILOSOPHICAL ,SOCIETY1 & O!R ,AM]ICAN ORGANIZATIONS 9VIT$ ME TO SPEAK4 ,I ACCEPT$ GLADLY BECAUSE ( ! OPPORTUNITY ,I HAD BE5 WANT+ = YE>S TO REA* ! NATIVE 9TELLIG5TSIA1 TO 5LI<T5 IT AS TO :AT AN>*ISM REALLY MEANS4 ,AT !SE GA!R+S ,I MADE NEW FRI5DS & MET OLD ONES1 AMONG !M ,]NE/ ,CROSBY1 ,LEON>D ,D4 ,ABBOTT1 & ,!ODORE ,S*RO$]4 

,AT ! ,SUNRISE ,CLUB ,I CAME TO KN[ MANY P]SONS ( ADVANC$ IDEAS4 ,AMONG ! MO/ 9T]E/+ W]E ,ELIZABE? & ,ALEXIS ,F]M1 ,JOHN & ,ABBY ,CORYELL4 ,! ,F]MS W]E ! FIR/ ,AM]ICANS ,I MET :OSE IDEAS ON $UCATION W]E AK9 TO M9E2 BUT :ILE ,I M]ELY ADVOCAT$ ! NE$ ( A NEW APPROA* TO ! *ILD1 ! ,F]MS TRANSLAT$ !IR IDEAS 9TO PRACTICE4 ,9 ! ,PLAYH\SE1 AS !IR S*OOL WAS CALL$1 ! *ILDR5 ( ! NEI<BORHOOD W]E B\ND BY NEI!R RULES NOR TEXT-BOOKS4 ,!Y W]E FREE TO GO OR COME & TO LE>N FROM OBS]VATION & EXP]I5CE4 ,I KNEW NO ONE ELSE :O SO WELL UND]/OOD *ILD PSY*OLOGY AS ,ELIZABE? & :O WAS SO CAPABLE ( BR++ \T ! BE/ 9 ! Y\NG4 ,%E & ,ALEXIS CONSID]$ !MSELVES S+LE-TAX]S1 BUT 9 REALITY !Y W]E AN>*I/S 9 !IR VIEWS & LIVES4 ,IT WAS A GREAT TREAT TO VISIT !IR HOME1 :I* WAS ALSO ! S*OOL1 & TO WITNESS ! BEAUTIFUL RELATION%IP ?AT EXI/$ BETWE5 !M & ! *ILDR54 

,! ,CORYELLS HAD MU* ( ! SAME QUALITY1 ,JOHN POSSESS+ EXCEPTIONAL DEP? ( M9D4 ,HE IMPRESS$ ME AS BE+ MORE ,EUROPEAN ?AN ,AM]ICAN1 & 9DE$ HE HAD SE5 MU* ( ! WORLD4 ,AS A Y\NG 5\< MAN HE HAD BE5 ,UNIT$ ,/ATES CONSUL AT ,CANTON1 ,*9A4 ,LAT] HE HAD LIV$ 9 ,JAPAN1 HAD TRAVEL$ EXT5SIVELY1 & HAD ASSOCIAT$ ) ! PEOPLE ( V>I\S C\NTRIES & RACES4 ,IT HAD S]V$ TO GIVE HIM A WID] \TLOOK ON LIFE & A DEEP] UND]/&+ ( HUMAN BE+S4 ,JOHN HAD CONSID]ABLE TAL5T AS A WRIT]2 HE WAS ! AU?OR ( ! ORIG9AL ,NICK ,C>T] /ORIES1 & HE HAD E>N$ A NAME & MONEY UND] ! PSEUDONYM ( ,B]?A ,M4 ,CLAY4 ,HE WAS ALSO A FREQU5T CONTRIBUTOR TO ! ,PHYSICAL ,CULTURE MAGAZ9E1 BECAUSE ( HIS 9T]E/ 9 HEAL? MATT]S & BECAUSE IT GAVE HIM HIS FIR/ *ANCE TO EXPRESS HIMSELF FREELY ON ! SUBJECTS HE HAD AT HE>T4 ,HE WAS ONE ( ! MO/ G5]\S P]SONS ,I HAD EV] MET4 ,HIS WRIT+S HAD BR\<T HIM A =TUNE1 ( :I* HE HAD KEPT ALMO/ NO?+1 HAV+ GIV5 LAVI%LY TO ?OSE 9 NE$4 ,HIS GREATE/ *>M LAY 9 HIS RI* S5SE ( HUMOR1 NO LESS 9CISIVE BECAUSE ( HIS POLI%$ MANN]4 ,! ,CORYELLS & ! ,F]MS BECAME MY DE>E/ ,AM]ICAN FRI5DS4 

,I ALSO SAW A GREAT DEAL ( ,HU< ,O4 ,P5TECO/4 ,HE HAD UND]GONE MANY *ANGES S9CE ,I HAD FIR/ MET HIM DUR+ MY TRIAL 9 #a#h#i#c4 ,HE DID NOT IMPRESS ME AS A /RONG *>ACT]1 BUT HE WAS AMONG ! MO/ BRILLIANT SPEAK]S 9 ,NEW ,YORK4 ,HE LECTUR$ ,SUNDAY MORN+S ON SOCIAL TOPICS1 HIS ELOQU5CE ATTRACT+ L>GE AUDI5CES4 ,P5TECO/ WAS A FREQU5T VISITOR AT MY AP>TM5T1 :]E HE US$ TO 0FEEL NATURAL10 AS HE (T5 SAID4 ,HIS WIFE1 A H&SOME1 MIDDLE-CLASS WOMAN1 KE5LY DISLIK$ H] HUSB&'S POOR FRI5DS1 & H] EYES W]E UPON ! 9FLU5TIAL SUBSCRIB]S TO HIS LECTURES4 

,ONCE ,I HAD >RANG$ A LITTLE P>TY 9 MY FLAT1 ) ,P5TECO/ AS ONE ( MY GUE/S4 ,%ORTLY BE=E ! P>TY ,I MET ,MRS4 ,P5TECO/ & ASK$ H] IF %E W\LD LIKE TO COME4 0,?ANK Y\ SO MU*10 %E SAID1 0,I %ALL BE DELI<T$2 ,I LOVE SLUMM+40 0,ISN'T IT =TUNATE80 ,I REM>K$4 0,O!RWISE Y\ W\LD NEV] MEET 9T]E/+ PEOPLE40 ,%E DID NOT ATT5D ! P>TY4 

,MY PUBLIC LIFE GREW COLORFUL4 ,NURS+ BECAME LESS /R5U\S :5 SEV]AL ( MY 0*>GES0 MOV$ \T ( MY AP>TM5T & ?US R$UC$ MY EXP5SES4 ,I C\LD AF=D TO TAKE LONG] RE/S BETWE5 CASES4 ,IT GAVE ME ! OPPORTUNITY TO DO MU* READ+ ?AT HAD BE5 NEGLECT$ = SOME TIME4 ,I 5JOY$ MY NEW EXP]I5CE ( LIV+ ALONE4 ,I C\LD GO & COME )\T CONSID]+ O!RS & ,I DID NOT ALWAYS F9D A CR[D AT HOME UPON MY RETURN FROM A LECTURE4 ,I KNEW MYSELF WELL 5\< TO REALIZE ?AT ,I WAS NOT EASY TO LIVE )4 ,! DREADFUL MON?S FOLL[+ ! ,BUFFALO TRAG$Y HAD DRIV5 ME DESP]ATE ) ! /RUGGLE TO F9D MY WAY BACK TO LIFE & WORK4 ,! TIMID RADICALISM ( ! PEOPLE ON ! ,EA/ ,SIDE HAD MADE ME IMPATI5T & 9TOL]ANT ) ! /RIPL+S :O TALK$ AB\T ! FUTURE1 YET DID NO?+ 9 ! PRES5T1 ,I 5JOY$ ! BOON ( RETIREM5T & ! COMPANION%IP ( A FEW *OS5 FRI5DS1 ! DE>E/ AMONG !M ,$ --- NO LONG] JEAL\SLY WAT*+1 POSSESSIVELY DEM&+ EV]Y ?\<T & EV]Y BREA?1 BUT GIV+ & RECEIV+ FREE & SPONTANE\S JOY4 

,(T5 HE W\LD VISIT ME WE>Y & DEPRESS$4 ,I KNEW IT WAS ! GR[+ FRICTION 9 HIS HOME2 NOT ?AT HE HAD EV] SPOK5 AB\T IT1 BUT N[ & !N A *ANCE REM>K DISCLOS$ TO ME ?AT HE WAS NOT HAPPY4 ,ONCE1 9 ! C\RSE ( A CONV]SATION1 HE REM>K$3 0,9 PRISON ,I US$ TO TAKE SOLIT>Y CONF9EM5T RA!R ?AN %>E MY CELL ) ANYBODY4 ,! CON/ANT JABB] ( A CELL-MATE US$ TO DRIVE ME FRANTIC4 ,N[ ,I HAVE TO LI/5 TO 9CESSANT TALK1 & !RE IS NO SOLIT>Y = ME TO GET AWAY TO40 ,ON ANO!R OCCASION HE GAVE V5T TO IRONY REG>D+ ! GIRLS & WOM5 ?AT PRET5D TO HOLD ADVANC$ IDEAS UNTIL !Y HAVE SAFELY CAPTUR$ !IR MAN & !N FI]CELY TURN AGA9/ ?OSE IDEAS = FE> ( LOS+ !IR PROVID]4 ,TO *E] HIM ,I W\LD TURN ! TALK 9TO O!R *ANNELS1 OR ASK AB\T HIS DAU<T]4 ,AT ONCE HIS FACE W\LD LI<T UP & HIS DEPRESSION LIFT4 ,ONE DAY HE BR\<T ME A PICTURE ( ! LITTLE ONE4 ,I HAD NEV] SE5 SU* A /RIK+ RESEMBLANCE4 ,I WAS SO MOV$ BY ! BEAUTIFUL FACE ( ! *ILD ?AT UN?9K+LY ,I CRI$ \T3 0,:Y DON'T Y\ EV] BR+ H] TO SEE ME80 0,:Y80 HE REPLI$1 VEHEM5TLY2 0! MO!R6 ,! MO!R6 ,IF Y\ ONLY KNEW ! MO!R60 0,PLEASE1 PLEASE60 ,I REMON/RAT$2 0DON'T SAY ANY?+ MORE2 ,I DON'T WANT TO KN[ AB\T H]60 ,HE BEGAN EXCIT$LY TO PACE ! FLOOR1 BREAK+ \T 9TO A TORR5T ( WORDS4 0,Y\ MU/2 Y\ MU/ LET ME SPEAK60 HE CRI$4 0,Y\ MU/ LET ME TELL Y\ ALL ,I HAVE SUPPRESS$ SO LONG4 0,I TRI$ TO /OP HIM1 BUT HE PAID NO ATT5TION4 ,RAGE & BITT]NESS AGA9/ Y\ DROVE ME TO ?AT WOMAN10 HE CONT9U$ TEMPE/U\SLY2 0YES1 & TO DR9K4 ,= WEEKS AFT] \R LA/ BREAKUP ,I KEPT DR9K+4 ,!N ,I MET ! WOMAN4 ,I HAD SE5 H] AT RADICAL AFFAIRS BE=E1 BUT %E HAD NEV] MEANT ANY?+ TO ME4 ,N[ %E EXCIT$ ME2 ,I WAS MADD5$ BY ! LOSS ( Y\ & BY DR9K4 ,SO ,I TOOK H] HOME4 ,I QUIT WORK+ & GAVE MYSELF UP TO A WILD DEBAU*1 HOP+ TO BLOT \T ! RES5TM5T ,I FELT AGA9/ Y\ = GO+ AWAY40 ,) A %>P PA9 9 MY HE>T ,I SEIZ$ HIS H&1 CRY+3 0,OH1 ,$1 NOT RES5TM5T80 0,YES1 YES6 ,RES5TM5T60 HE REPEAT$2 0EV5 HATE6 ,I FELT IT !N BECAUSE Y\ HAD SO EASILY GIV5 UP \R LOVE & \R LIFE4 ,BUT DON'T 9T]RUPT ME2 ,I MU/ GET IT \T ( MY SY/EM40 

,WE SAT D[N4 ,PUTT+ HIS H& OV] M9E1 HE CONT9U$ SOME:AT LONG] MORE CALMLY3 0,! DRUNK5 DEBAU* W5T ON = WEEKS4 ,I WASN'T AW>E ( TIME1 ,I DIDN'T GO ANY:]E OR SEE ANYBODY4 ,I /AY$ AT HOME 9 A /UPOR ( DR9K & SEX4 ,ONE DAY ,I WOKE UP ) MY M9D T]RIBLY CLE>4 ,I WAS SICK ( MYSELF & ( ! WOMAN4 ,I TOLD H] BRUTALLY ?AT %E W\LD HAVE TO GO2 ?AT ,I HAD NEV] 9T5D$ \R AFFAIR TO BE A P]MAN5T ?+4 ,%E DID :AT WOM5 USUALLY DO2 %E SAID ,I WAS A CRUEL & UNSCRUPUL\S S$UC]4 ,:5 %E SAW ?AT IT DID NOT IMPRESS ME1 %E BEGAN WEEP+ & BEGG+ & F9ALLY %E DECL>$ ?AT %E WAS PREGNANT4 ,I WAS /AGG]$2 ,I FELT IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE1 YET ,I DIDN'T BELIEVE %E W\LD DELIB]ATELY 9V5T SU* A ?+4 ,I HAD NO MONEY & ,I C\LD NOT LET H] %IFT = H]SELF4 ,I WAS TRAPP$ & ,I HAD TO GO ?R\< ) IT4 ,A FEW MON?S UND] ! SAME RO( MADE ME REALIZE ?AT WE DIDN'T HAVE A S+LE ?\<T 9 COMMON4 ,EV]Y?+ AB\T H] REPELL$ ME2 H] %RILL VOICE ALL OV] ! H\SE1 H] CON/ANT *ATT] & GOSSIP4 ,!Y GRAT$ ON MY N]VES & (T5 DROVE ME \T ( ! H\SE1 BUT ! ?\<T ?AT %E WAS C>RY+ MY *ILD ALWAYS BR\<T ME BACK4 ,TWO MON?S BE=E IT WAS BORN1 %E TAUNT$ ME1 DUR+ ONE ( \R BICK]+ WRANGLES1 ) HAV+ TRICK$ ME4 ,%E HAD NOT BE5 PREGNANT AT ALL :5 %E HAD FIR/ TOLD ME4 ,I DECID$ !N & !RE TO LEAVE H] AS SOON AS ! *ILD WAS BORN4 ,Y\'LL LAU<1 BUT ! BIR? ( ! LITTLE ONE WOKE /RANGE *ORDS 9 MY S\L4 ,IT MADE ME =GET ALL ?AT WAS LACK+ 9 MY LIFE4 ,I /AY$40 

0,:Y TORTURE Y\RSELF1 DE> ,$8 0 ,I TRI$ TO SOO! HIM2 0:Y RAKE UP ! PA/80 ,HE BRU%$ ME G5TLY ASIDE4 0,Y\ MU/ LI/510 HE 9SI/$2 0Y\ HAD EV]Y?+ TO DO ) ! BEG9N+2 IT'S ONLY FAIR Y\ %\LD LI/5 TO ! V]Y 5D40 

0,:5 Y\ RETURN$ FROM ,EUROPE10 HE W5T ON1 0! CONTRA/ BETWE5 \R PA/ LIFE & MY PRES5T EXI/5CE APPE>$ MORE GL>+4 ,I WANT$ TO TAKE MY *ILD & COME TO Y\ TO PLEAD ONCE MORE = \R LOVE4 ,BUT Y\ W]E WRAPP$ UP 9 O!R PEOPLE & 9 Y\R PUBLIC ACTIVITIES4 ,Y\ SEEM$ TO BE COMPLETELY CUR$ ( :AT Y\ HAD ONCE FELT = ME40 

0,Y\ W]E WRONG60 ,I CRI$1 0,I /ILL LOV$ Y\ EV5 :5 WE HAD DRIFT$ AP>T40 0,I SEE IT N[1 MY DE>1 BUT AT ! TIME Y\ APPE>$ 9DIFF]5T & ALO(10 HE REPLI$4 0,I C\LD NOT TURN TO Y\4 ,I S\<T :AT RELIEF ,I C\LD 9 MY *ILD4 ,I READ1 & ,I F\ND --- YES1 ,I F\ND --- SOME =GETFULNESS 9 ! WORKS WE US$ TO >GUE AB\T2 ,I C\LD UND]/& !M BETT]4 ,BUT MY N]VES HAD BECOME BLUNT$2 ,I NO LONG] W9C$ AT ! S\ND ( ! %RILL VOICE4 ,H] RECRIM9ATIONS HAD MADE ME H>D & CYNICAL4 ,BESIDES1 ,I HAD DISCOV]$ A WAY TO /OP ! /REAM13 HE ADD$ ) A *UCKLE4 0,:AT WAS IT80 ,I ASK$1 GLAD ( HIS LI<T] TONE2 0P]HAPS ,I C\LD ALSO USE IT ON SOME PEOPLE40 0,WELL1 Y\ SEE10 HE EXPLA9$1 0,I TAKE \T MY WAT*1 HOLD IT UP TO ! LADY'S FACE1 & TELL H] ,I'LL GIVE H] FIVE M9UTES TO GET ?R\<4 ,IF BY ?AT TIME %E /ILL KEEPS IT UP1 ,I LEAVE ! H\SE40 0,& IT WORKS80 ,I 9QUIR$4 0,LIKE MAGIC4 ,%E DA%ES 9TO ! KIT*51 & ,I GO 9TO MY ROOM & LOCK ! DOOR40 ,I LAU<$1 ?\< ,I REALLY WANT$ TO CRY AT ! ?\<T ( ,$1 :O HAD ALWAYS LOV$ REF9EM5T & PEACE1 =C$ 9TO DEGRAD+1 VULG> SC5ES4 

0,! BREAK HAS COME1 ?\<1 AT LA/10 HE W5T ON4 0,IT HAD TO1 ANYWAY1 EV5 IF Y\ & ,I HAD NOT BECOME GOOD FRI5DS AGA94 ,IT WAS B\ND TO COME AS SOON AS ,I BEGAN TO REALIZE ! EFFECT ?OSE QU>RELS W]E HAV+ ON ! *ILD40 ,HE ADD$ ?AT = A LONG TIME HE HAD LACK$ ! MEANS4 ,N[ HE WAS 9 A POSITION TO DO SO4 ,HE W\LD TAKE HIS *ILD TO ,VI5NA ) HIM1 & HE ASK$ ME TO ACCOMPANY HIM4 

0,H[ DO Y\ MEAN1 TAKE ! *ILD80 ,I CRI$4 0,! MO!R1 :AT AB\T H]8 ,IT'S H] *ILD1 TOO1 ISN'T IT8 ,IT MU/ MEAN EV]Y?+ TO H]4 ,H[ CAN Y\ ROB H] ( IT80 ,$ GOT ON HIS FEET & RAIS$ ME UP ALSO4 ,HIS FACE CLOSE TO M9E1 HE SAID3 0,LOVE6 ,LOVE6 ,HAV5'T Y\ ALWAYS 9SI/$ ?AT ! LOVE ( ! AV]AGE MO!R EI!R SMO!RS ! *ILD ) KISSES OR KILLS IT ) BL[S8 ,:Y ?IS SUDD5 S5TIM5TALITY = ! POOR MO!R80 0,I KN[1 ,I KN[1 MY DE>10 ,I ANSW]$2 0,I HAV5'T *ANG$ MY VIEWS4 ,JU/ ! SAME1 ! WOMAN 5DURES ! AGONY ( BIR? & %E N\RI%ES ! 9FANT ) H] [N SUB/ANCE4 ,! MAN DOES ALMO/ NO?+1 & YET HE CLAIMS ! *ILD4 ,CAN'T Y\ SEE H[ UNJU/ IT IS1 ,$8 ,GO TO ,EUROPE ) Y\8 ,I'D DO IT AT ONCE4 ,BUT ,I CANNOT HAVE A MO!R ROBB$ ( H] *ILD ON MY ACC\NT40 ,HE *>G$ ME ) NOT BE+ FREE2 ,I WAS LIKE ALL FEM9I/S :O RAIL AGA9/ MAN = ! WRONGS HE SUPPOS$LY DOES TO WOMAN1 )\T SEE+ ! 9JU/ICES ?AT ! MAN SUFF]S1 & ALSO ! *ILD4 ,HE W\LD GO ANYWAY & TAKE HIS LITTLE GIRL ALONG4 ,NEV] W\LD HE ALL[ HIS *ILD TO GR[ UP 9 AN ATMOSPH]E ( /RIFE4 

,$ LEFT ME 9 A TURMOIL ( CONFLICT+ EMOTIONS4 ,I HAD TO ADMIT TO MYSELF ?AT IT HAD 9DE$ BE5 ,I :O HAD DRIV5 HIM 9TO ?AT WOMAN'S >MS4 ,I KNEW1 AS ,I HAD KN[N :5 ,I HAD GONE AWAY FROM HIM1 ?AT ,I C\LD NOT HAVE ACT$ O!RWISE4 ,ALL ! SAME1 ,I HAD BE5 ! CAUSE4 ,I RECALL$ VIVIDLY ,$'S VIOL5T \TBUR/ ON ?AT T]RIBLE NI<T2 IT WAS EVID5CE 5\< ( HIS AGONY ( SPIRIT4 ,!RE WAS NO BL9K+ MY P>T 9 HIS MIS]Y2 :Y1 !N1 DID ,I REFUSE HIM N[ :5 HE NE$$ ME EV5 MORE8 ,:Y DID ,I D5Y HIM ! HELP HE ASK$ = HIS *ILD8 ,! WOMAN C]TA9LY MEANT NO?+ TO ME2 :Y %\LD ,I HAVE SCRUPLES AB\T H] LOSS8 ,I HAD ALWAYS HELD ?AT ! M]E PHYSICAL PROCESS ( MO!RHOOD DOES NOT MAKE A WOMAN A REAL MO!R2 YET ,I HAD TALK$ TO ,$ AGA9/ ROBB+ H]6 

,AFT] MU* ?\<T ,I CONCLUD$ ?AT MY FEEL+ 9 REG>D TO ! MO!R ( ,$'S *ILD WAS DEEPLY EMB$D$ 9 MY S5TIM5TS = MO!RHOOD 9 G5]AL1 ?AT BL9D1 DUMB =CE ?AT BR+S =? LIFE 9 TRAVAIL1 WA/+ WOMAN'S Y\? & /R5G?1 & LEAV+ H] 9 OLD AGE A BURD5 TO H]SELF & TO ?OSE TO :OM %E HAS GIV5 BIR?4 ,IT WAS ?IS HELPLESSNESS ( MO!RHOOD ?AT HAD MADE ME RECOIL FROM ADD+ TO ITS PA94 

,! NEXT TIME ,$ CAME ,I TRI$ TO EXPLA9 ?IS TO HIM1 BUT HE C\LD NOT FOLL[ ME4 ,HE SAID HE HAD ALWAYS CR$IT$ ME ) BE+ ABLE TO REASON LIKE A MAN1 OBJECTIVELY2 N[ HE FELT ,I WAS >GU+ SUBJECTIVELY1 LIKE ALL WOM54 ,I REPLI$ ?AT ! REASON+ FACULTIES ( MO/ M5 HAD NOT IMPRESS$ ME TO ! PO9T ( WI%+ TO IMITATE !M1 & ?AT ,I PREF]R$ TO DO MY [N ?9K+ AS A WOMAN4 ,I REPEAT$ :AT ,I HAD ALREADY TOLD HIM3 ?AT ,I %\LD BE SUPREMELY HAPPY TO GO ) HIM IF HE W5T ALONE1 OR TO VISIT HIM 9 ,EUROPE SOME TIME LAT]1 BUT ?AT ,I C\LD NOT RUN (F ) ANO!R WOMAN'S *ILD4 

,I WAS AFRAID ?AT MY /& W\LD ?R[ A %AD[ ON MY NEW FRI5D%IP ) ,$1 BUT HE PROV$ TO BE BIG & F9E AB\T IT4 ,HIS VISITS BECAME BEAUTIFUL EV5TS4 ,HE WAS PLANN+ TO LEAVE = ,EUROPE 9 ,JUNE1 TOGE!R ) HIS *ILD4 

,E>LY 9 ,APRIL HE TOLD ME HE W\LD BE V]Y BUSY = A WEEK4 ,HIS FIRM HAD TO BUY A L>GE /OCK ( LUMB]1 & ! TRANSACTION WAS TO KEEP HIM \T ( T[N = A FEW DAYS4 ,BUT HE W\LD REMA9 9 T\* ) ME & WIRE ! MOM5T HE GOT BACK4 ,DUR+ HIS ABS5CE ,I WAS CALL$ ON A NI<T CASE 9 ,BROOKLYN1 TO NURSE A CONSUMPTIVE BOY4 ,IT WAS A LONG & T$I\S J\RNEY TO & FRO2 ,I W\LD RETURN HOME V]Y TIR$1 B>ELY ABLE TO TAKE MY BA?1 & FALL ASLEEP AS SOON AS ,I /RUCK ! PILL[4 ,ONE MORN+1 V]Y E>LY1 ,I WAS R\S$ \T ( B$ BY P]SI/5T & VIOL5T R++4 ,IT WAS ,TIMM]MANN1 :OM ,I HAD NOT SE5 = MORE ?AN A YE>4 0,CLAUS60 ,I CRI$2 0:AT BR+S Y\ AT SU* AN H\R80 

,HIS MANN] WAS UNUSUALLY QUIET & HE LOOK$ /RANGELY AT ME4 0,SIT D[N10 HE SAID AT LA/ 9 A SOLEMN VOICE2 0,I HAVE SOME?+ TO TELL Y\40 ,I WOND]$ :AT HAD HAPP5$ TO HIM4 0,IT'S AB\T ,$10 HE BEGAN4 0,$60 ,I CRI$1 SUDD5LY AL>M$2 0IS ANY?+ ! MATT] ) HIM8 ,IS HE ILL8 ,HAVE Y\ A MESSAGE = ME80 

0,$ --- ,$ ---0 HE /AMM]$ --- 0,$ HAS NO MORE MESSAGES40 ,I HELD \T MY H& AS IF TO W>D (F A BL[4 0,$ DI$ LA/ NI<T10 ,I HE>D ,CLAUS SAY 9 A %AK5 VOICE4 ,I /OOD />+ AT HIM4 0,Y\'RE DRUNK60 ,I CRI$2 0IT CAN'T BE60 ,CLAUS TOOK MY H& & G5TLY PULL$ ME D[N BESIDE HIM4 0,I'M A MESS5G] ( EVIL2 ( ALL Y\R FRI5DS ,I HAD TO BE ! ONE TO BR+ Y\ ?IS NEWS4 ,POOR1 POOR GIRL60 ,HE /ROK$ MY HAIR FURTIVELY4 ,WE SAT 9 SIL5CE4 

,F9ALLY ,CLAUS SPOKE4 ,HE HAD GONE TO ,$'S H\SE TO MEET HIM = SUPP]2 HE HAD WAIT$ UNTIL N9E O'CLOCK1 BUT ,$ DID NOT RETURN1 SO HE DECID$ TO LEAVE4 ,AT ?AT MOM5T A CAB DROVE UP TO ! H\SE4 ,! DRIV] 9QUIR$ = ,BRADY'S AP>TM5T1 SAY+ ?AT ,MR4 ,BRADY WAS 9 ! CAB1 SICK4 ,W\LD SOMEONE HELP TO C>RY HIM UP8 ,NEI<BORS CAME \T & SURR\ND$ ! CAB4 ,$ WAS 9SIDE1 SUNK BACK 9 ! SEAT1 UNCONSCI\S & BREA?+ HEAVILY4 ,PEOPLE C>RI$ HIM UP/AIRS1 :ILE ,CLAUS RAN = A DOCTOR4 ,:5 HE CAME BACK ! CABMAN WAS GONE4 ,ALL HE HAD BE5 ABLE TO TELL WAS ?AT HE HAD BE5 CALL$ TO A SALOON NE> ! ,LONG ,ISL& /ATION1 :]E HE HAD F\ND ! G5TLEMAN HUN*$ UP 9 A *AIR1 BLE$+ FROM A CUT ON HIS FACE4 ,HE WAS CONSCI\S1 BUT ABLE ONLY TO GIVE HIS ADDRESS4 ,! SALOON-KEEP] EXPLA9$ ?AT ! G5TLEMAN HAD ASK$ = A DR9K & HAD TAK5 IT /&+ AT ! B>4 ,!N HE HAD PAID & />T$ T[>DS ! TOILET4 ,ON ! WAY HE HAD SUDD5LY FALL5 D[N 9 A HEAP1 /RIK+ HIS =EHEAD AGA9/ ! B>4 ,?AT WAS ALL ANY ( !M KNEW4 

,! DOCTOR HAD WORK$ FRANTICALLY TO REVIVE ,$2 BUT IT WAS 9 VA94 ,HE DI$ )\T REGA9+ CONSCI\SNESS4 

,CLAUS'S VOICE WAS DRON+ 9 MY E>S1 BUT ,I B>ELY HE>D :AT HE WAS SAY+4 ,NO?+ MATT]$ BUT ?AT ,$ HAD BE5 /RICK5 AMONG /RANG]S1 /UFF$ 9TO A CAB1 ALONE AT ! MOM5T ( HIS GREATE/ NE$4 ,OH1 ,$1 MY SPL5DID FRI5D1 ROBB$ ( LIFE :5 SO CLOSE TO ! FULLNESS ( IT6 ,! CRUELTY ( IT1 ! S5SELESS CRUELTY6 ,MY HE>T CRI$ \T 9 PROTE/1 MY ?ROAT *OK$ ) TE>S ?AT W\LD NOT COME TO MY EYES TO RELIEVE MY POIGNANT GRIEF4 

,CLAUS GOT TO HIS FEET REM>K+ ?AT HE MU/ NOTIFY O!R FRI5DS & HELP ) ! FUN]AL >RANGEM5TS4 0,I WILL GO ) Y\60 ,I DECL>$4 0,I WILL SEE ,$ AGA940 0,IMPOSSIBLE60 ,CLAUS OBJECT$4 0,MRS4 ,BRADY HAS ALREADY /AT$ ?AT %E WILL NOT LET Y\ 94 ,%E SAID Y\ HAD ROBB$ H] ( ,$ :5 HE WAS ALIVE & %E WILL KEEP Y\ AWAY N[ ?AT HE IS DEAD4 ,Y\ W\LD ONLY HAVE TO GO ?R\< ) AN UGLY SC5E40 

,I REMA9$ ALONE ) MEMORIES ( MY LIFE ) ,$4 ,9 ! LATE AFT]NOON ,YEGOR CAME1 %AK5 BY ! NEWS4 ,HE HAD LOV$ ,$ & WAS PR(\NDLY OV]COME N[4 ,HIS SWEET CONC]N MELT$ MY FROZ5 HE>T4 ,) HIS >MS AB\T ME ,I F\ND ! TE>S ?AT W\LD NOT COME BE=E4 ,WE SAT CLOSE TOGE!R1 TALK+ ( ,$1 HIS LIFE1 HIS DREAMS1 & PREMATURE 5D4 ,IT GREW LATE & ,I REMEMB]$ ! SICK BOY 9 ,BROOKLYN WAIT+ = ME4 ,I MI<T NOT BE NE> MY PRECI\S DEAD1 BUT ,I C\LD AT LEA/ GO TO ! AID ( MY Y\NG PATI5T /RUGGL+ = LIFE4 

,FUN]ALS HAD ALWAYS BE5 ABHORR5T TO ME2 ,I FELT ?AT !Y EXPRESS$ GRIEF TURN$ 9SIDE \T4 ,MY LOSS WAS TOO DEEP = IT4 ,I W5T TO ! CREMATORY & F\ND ! C]EMONY OV]1 ! C(F9 ALREADY CLOS$4 ,! FRI5DS :O KNEW ( MY BOND ) ,$ LIFT$ ! COV] AGA9 = ME4 ,I APPROA*$ TO LOOK AT ! DE> FACE1 SO BEAUTIFULLY S]5E 9 SLEEP4 ,! SIL5CE AB\T ME MADE DEA? LESS GRUESOME4 

,SUDD5LY A %RIEK E*O$ ?R\< ! PLACE1 FOLL[$ BY ANO!R & ANO!R4 ,A FEMALE VOICE1 HY/]ICALLY CRY+3 0,MY HUSB&6 ,MY HUSB&6 ,HE IS M9E60 ,! %RIEK+ WOMAN1 H] BLACK WID['S VEIL RESEMBL+ A CR['S W+S1 ?REW H]SELF BETWE5 ME & ! C(F91 PU%+ ME BACK & FALL+ OV] ! DEAD4 ,A LITTLE BLOND GIRL ) FRI<T5$ EYES1 SUFFOCAT+ ) SOBS1 WAS CLUT*+ AT ! WOMAN'S DRESS4 

,= A MOM5T ,I /OOD PETRIFI$ ) HORROR4 ,!N ,I SL[LY MOV$ T[>DS ! EXIT1 \T 9TO ! OP51 AWAY FROM ! REVOLT+ SC5E4 ,MY M9D WAS FULL ( ! *ILD1 ! REPLICA ( ITS FA!R1 ITS LIFE N[ TO BE SO DIFF]5T FROM :AT HE HAD 9T5D$4 

,FROM 3 ,AN>*Y ,>*IVES4 

,*RONOLOGY 3 
,DECEMB] #c#a1 #aic 3 ,VOLUME #a1 ,*APT] #bf -- ,PUBLICATION4 
,JANU>Y #b#c1 #bag 3 ,VOLUME #a1 ,*APT] #bf -- ,ADD$4 

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