,VOLUME #a1 ,*APT] #f 

#aicaaica 

,PEOPLE 3 

,AU?OR 3 ,EMMA ,GOLDMAN 

,TEXT 3 

  

,PHOTO BY NEV]5D+ SEPTEMB]1,C,C ,B,Y-,S,A ,LIC5SE ,LIV+ ,MY ,LIFE 

  

BY ,EMMA ,GOLDMAN 

 ,VOLUME ONE 

,NEW ,YORK3 ,ALFR$ ,A ,KNOPF ,9C41 #a#i#c#a4 

,*APT] #f 

,MO/ HAD TOLD ME ?AT HE WAS PLANN+ A %ORT LECTURE T\R ?R\< ! ,NEW ,5GL& ,/ATES4 ,N[ HE 9=M$ ME ?AT HE WAS AB\T TO LEAVE1 & HE 9VIT$ ME TO ACCOMPANY HIM4 ,HE SAID ?AT ,I LOOK$ WORN & ?9 & ?AT A *ANGE ( SC5E W\LD DO ME GOOD4 ,I PROMIS$ TO CONSID] HIS 9VITATION4 

,! BOYS URG$ ME TO GO2 ,F$YA /RESS$ ! NE$ ( GETT+ AWAY FROM H\SEHOLD DUTIES1 :ILE ,SA%A SAID IT W\LD HELP ME TO GET ACQUA9T$ ) ! COMRADES & OP5 UP A WAY = FUR!R ACTIVITIES4 

,TWO WEEKS LAT] ,I W5T ) ,MO/ BY ! ,FALL ,RIV] ,L9E TO ,BO/ON4 ,I HAD NEV] BE=E SE5 SU* A SPACI\S1 LUXURI\S BOAT1 SU* COZY /ATE-ROOMS2 M9E1 NOT F> FROM ,MO/'S1 LOOK$ BRI<T ) A BUN* ( LILACS HE HAD S5T4 ,WE /OOD ON ! DECK AS ! BOAT /EAM$ \T1 & PRES5TLY A BEAUTIFUL GRE5 ISL& CAME 9TO VIEW1 ) L>GE /ATELY TREES %AD+ GRAY /ONE BUILD+S4 ,! SI<T WAS PLEAS+ AFT] ! 5DLESS T5EM5T-H\SES4 ,I TURN$ TO ,MO/4 ,HIS FACE WAS A%Y1 HIS FI/ CL5*$4 0,:AT IS IT80 ,I CRI$ 9 AL>M4 0,?AT IS ,BLACKWELL'S ,ISL& ,P5IT5TI>Y1 ! ,SPANI% ,9QUISITION TRANSF]R$ TO ! ,UNIT$ ,/ATES10 HE REPLI$2 0SOON IT WILL AGA9 HOLD ME )9 ITS WALLS40 

,SOO?+LY ,I PLAC$ MY H& ON HIS CONVULS$ F+]S4 ,GRADUALLY !Y RELAX$1 & HIS H& /RET*$ \T 9 M9E4 ,WE /OOD = A LONG TIME1 EA* ABSORB$ 9 HIS ?\<TS4 ,! NI<T WAS W>M1 PUNG5T ) ! ,MAY AIR4 ,MO/'S >M WAS >\ND ME AS HE RELAT$ HIS EXP]I5CES ON ,BLACKWELL'S ,ISL&1 & ( HIS E>LY LIFE & DEVELOPM5T4 

,HE WAS1 IT SEEMS1 ! (FSPR+ ( A CL&E/9E AFFAIR4 ,HIS FA!R HAD AT FIR/ L$ AN ADV5TUR\S LIFE1 LAT] BECOM+ A COPYI/ 9 A LAWY]'S (FICE4 ,HIS MO!R HAD BE5 A GOV]NESS 9 A WEAL?Y FAMILY4 ,HE WAS BORN )\T LEGAL1 MORAL1 OR RELIGI\S SANCTION2 SUBSEQU5TLY ! UNION WAS LEGALIZ$4 

,IT WAS HIS MO!R :O HAD ! MO/ POT5T 9FLU5CE ON HIM AS A *ILD4 ,%E TAU<T HIM HIS FIR/ LESSONS &1 MO/ IMPORTANT ( ALL1 KEPT HIS Y\NG M9D FREE FROM PREVAL5T RELIGI\S DOGMAS4 ,HIS FIR/ SEV5 YE>S W]E C>E-FREE & HAPPY4 ,!N HIS GREAT TRAG$Y HAPP5$ --- ! POISON+ ( HIS *EEK & ! CONSEQU5T DISFIGUREM5T ( HIS FACE AS ! RESULT ( AN OP]ATION4 ,P]HAPS IF HIS BELOV$ MO!R HAD REMA9$ ALIVE1 H] AFFECTION W\LD HAVE HELP$ HIM OV] ! TAUNTS HIS DI/ORT$ APPE>ANCE BR\<T UPON HIM1 BUT %E HAD DI$ :5 HE WAS ONLY N9E4 ,SOME TIME LAT] HIS FA!R M>RI$ AGA94 ,HIS /EPMO!R TURN$ ! ]/:ILE JOY\S HOME 9TO A PURGATORY = ! *ILD4 ,HIS LIFE BECAME UNBE>ABLE4 ,AT FIFTE5 HE WAS TAK5 \T ( S*OOL & APPR5TIC$ TO A BOOKB9D]4 ,?AT ONLY *ANG$ ONE HELL = ANO!R4 ,HIS DE=MITY PURSU$ HIM LIKE A CURSE & CAUS$ HIM UNTOLD MIS]Y4 

,HE LOV$ ! !AT] MADLY1 & EV]Y PF5NIG HE C\LD SAVE HE US$ TO 9VE/ 9 TICKETS4 ,HE BECAME OBSESS$ BY A YE>N+ TO GO ON ! /AGE4 ,S*ILL]'S PLAYS1 ESPECIALLY ,WILHELM ,TELL1 ,DIE ,RAUB]1 & ,FIESCO1 W]E HIS 9SPIRATIONS & HE LONG$ TO PLAY 9 !M4 ,ONCE HE HAD APPLI$ TO A MANAG] ( A !AT]1 BUT HE WAS CURTLY TOLD ?AT HIS FACE WAS MORE FIT = A CL[N ?AN = AN ACTOR4 ,! DISAPPO9TM5T WAS CRU%+ & MADE HIM /ILL MORE S5SITIVE AB\T HIS AFFLICTION4 ,IT BECAME ! HORROR ( HIS EXI/5CE4 ,IT MADE HIM PA?OLOGICALLY SELF-CONSCI\S1 P>TICUL>LY 9 ! PRES5CE ( WOM54 ,HE WANT$ !M PASSIONATELY1 BUT ! H>R[+ ?\<T ( HIS DE=MITY ALWAYS DROVE HIM FROM !M4 ,= MANY YE>S1 UNTIL HE WAS ABLE TO GR[ A BE>D1 HE C\LD NOT OV]COME HIS MORBID %YNESS4 ,IT CAME NE> DRIV+ HIM TO 5D HIS LIFE1 :5 HE WAS SAV$ BY HIS SPIRITUAL AWAK5+4 ,! NEW SOCIAL IDEAS HE HAD BECOME ACQUA9T$ ) 9SPIR$ HIM ) A GREAT PURPOSE & MADE HIM HOLD ON TO LIFE4 ,BLACKWELL'S ,ISL& REVIV$ HIS OLD HORROR ( HIS APPE>ANCE4 ,!Y HAD !RE %AV$ HIS BE>D1 & ! SI<T ( ! HIDE\S IMAGE LOOK+ BACK AT HIM FROM A PIECE ( MIRROR HE HAD SMUGGL$ 9TO HIS CELL WAS MORE T]RIFY+ ?AN ! PRISON4 ,HE WAS SURE ?AT A GREAT DEAL ( HIS FI]CE HATR$ ( \R SOCIAL SY/EM1 ( ! CRUELTY & 9JU/ICE ( LIFE1 WAS DUE TO HIS [N MAIM$ CONDITION1 TO ! 9DIGNITIES & MALTREATM5T IT HAD CAUS$ HIM4 

,HE SPOKE ) 9T5SE FEEL+4 ,HE HAD BE5 M>RI$ TWICE1 HE CONT9U$2 BO? M>RIAGES W]E FAILURES4 ,S9CE !N1 HE W5T ON1 HE HAD GIV5 UP HOPE = A GREAT LOVE --- UNTIL HE MET ME1 :5 ! OLD YE>N+ CAME UPON HIM AGA94 ,BUT ) IT RETURN$ ! MON/] ( TORM5T+ %YNESS4 ,= MON?S A GREAT CONFLICT HAD BE5 RAG+ )9 HIM4 ,FE> ?AT HE WAS REPELL5T TO ME HAUNT$ HIM4 ,HE BECAME OBSESS$ BY ONE ?\<T --- TO W9 ME1 TO B9D ME TO HIMSELF1 TO MAKE HIMSELF 9DISP5SABLE TO ME4 ,:5 HE REALIZ$ ?AT ,I HAD TAL5T & ! MAK+ ( A =CEFUL SPEAK]1 HE CLUT*$ AT IT AS A MEANS ( REA*+ MY HE>T4 ,9 ! CAB ON ! WAY TO ,=TY-SECOND ,/REET HIS LOVE HAD OV]COME HIS FE>S4 ,HE HOP$ ?AT ,I ALSO LOV$ HIM1 9 SPITE ( HIS AFFLICTION4 ,BUT :5 ,I RETURN$ FROM MY TRIP1 HE SAW ! *ANGE AT ONCE3 ,I HAD AWAK5$ TO 9DEP5D5T ?9K+1 ,I HAD SLIPP$ \T ( HIS REA*4 ,IT MADE HIM FRANTIC1 R\S$ BITT] RECOLLECTIONS1 & DROVE HIM TO ATTACK ! ONE HE LOV$ & WANT$ SO MU*4 ,N[1 HE CONCLUD$1 HE ASK$ = NO?+ MORE ?AN FRI5D%IP4 

,I WAS /IRR$ TO MY DEP?S BY ! SIMPLE1 FRANK CONFESSION ( A TORM5T$ BE+4 ,IT WAS TOO OV]:ELM+ = SPEE*4 ,9 SIL5CE ,I TOOK ,MO/'S H&4 ,YE>S ( SUPPRESS$ 9T5SITY CRU%$ MY BODY1 CRI$ \T EC/ATICALLY1 DISSOLV+ 9 ME4 ,HIS KISSES M+L$ ) MY TE>S COV]+ ! POOR MUTILAT$ FACE4 ,IT WAS BEAUTIFUL N[4 

  

,DUR+ ! TWO WEEKS ( \R T\R ,I SAW ,MO/ ALONE ONLY OCCASIONALLY3 = AN H\R OR TWO DUR+ ! DAY OR :ILE J\RNEY+ FROM ONE CITY TO ANO!R4 ,! RE/ ( ! TIME HE WAS BUSY ) COMRADES4 ,I M>VEL$ H[ HE C\LD TALK & DR9K UNTIL ! LA/ MOM5T BE=E GO+ ON ! PLAT=M & !N SPEAK ) SU* FIRE & AB&ON4 ,HE SEEM$ OBLIVI\S ( ! AUDI5CE1 YET ,I WAS SURE ?AT HE WAS AW>E ( EV]Y?+ ?AT W5T ON >\ND HIM4 ,MO/ C\LD1 9 ! MID/ ( AN ORATORICAL PIT*1 TAKE \T HIS WAT* TO SEE IF HE HAD NOT SPOK5 TOO LONG4 ,WAS HIS SPEE* /UDI$1 ,I WOND]$2 NOT AT ALL SPONTANE\S8 ,IT TR\BL$ ME CONSID]ABLY4 ,I HAT$ TO ?9K ?AT HE DID NOT 9T5SELY FEEL :AT HE SAID1 ?AT HIS ELOQU5CE & HIS EXPRESSIVE GE/URES W]E CONSCI\S !ATRICALITY RA!R ?AN 9SPIRATION4 ,I WAS IMPATI5T ) MYSELF = SU* ?\<TS & ,I C\LD NOT TELL ,MO/ AB\T !M4 ,BESIDES1 ! LITTLE TIME WE C\LD SP5D TOGE!R WAS TOO PRECI\S3 ,I WAS EAG] TO HE> AB\T ! SOCIAL /RUGGLE 9 ! V>I\S C\NTRIES 9 :I* HE HAD PLAY$ AN IMPORTANT P>T4 ,G]MANY1 ,AU/RIA1 ,SWITZ]L&1 &1 LAT]1 ,5GL& HAD ALL BE5 ,MO/'S >5A4 ,HIS 5EMIES HAD NOT BE5 SL[ TO UND]/& ! DANG] ( ! Y\NG1 FI]Y REBEL4 ,!Y /ROVE TO CRU% HIM4 ,REPEAT$ >RE/S1 YE>S ( IMPRISONM5T & EXILE1 FOLL[$2 EV5 ! CU/OM>Y IMMUNITY ACCORD$ TO MEMB]S ( ! ,G]MAN P>LIAM5T WAS D5I$ HIM4 

,MO/ BAD BE5 ELECT$ TO ! ,REI*/AG BY A L>GE ,SOCIALI/ VOTE1 BUT UNLIKE HIS COLLEAGUES HE SOON DISCOV]$ :AT WAS GO+ ON BEH9D ! SC5ES ( ! 0,H\SE ( ,M>IONETTES10 AS HE HAD NICKNAM$ ?AT LEGISLATIVE ASSEMBLY4 ,HE REALIZ$ ?AT ! MASSES HAD NO?+ TO GA9 FROM ?AT S\RCE4 ,HE LO/ FAI? 9 ! POLITICAL MA*9]Y4 ,BY ,AUGU/ ,RE9SDORF1 A V]Y REM>KABLE Y\NG ,G]MAN :O WAS LAT] EXECUT$ = CONSPIRACY AGA9/ ! LIFE ( ! ,KAIS]1 ,MO/ WAS 9TRODUC$ TO AN>*I/ IDEAS4 ,SUBSEQU5TLY1 9 ,5GL&1 HE DEF9ITELY BROKE ) HIS ,SOCIAL ,DEMOCRATIC ADH]5TS & BECAME ! SPOKESMAN ( AN>*ISM4 

,\R TWO WEEKS TOGE!R1 OR :AT WE HAD ( !M ALONE1 GAVE ME MORE 9=MATION AB\T ! POLITICAL & ECONOMIC /RUGGLE 9 ,EUROPEAN C\NTRIES ?AN YE>S ( READ+ C\LD HAVE DONE4 ,MO/ HAD REVOLUTION>Y HI/ORY AT HIS F+]S' TIPS3 ! RISE ( SOCIALISM AS SPONSOR$ BY ,LASSALLE1 ,M>X1 & ,5GELS2 ! =MATION ( ! ,SOCIAL ,DEMOCRATIC ,P>TY1 ORIG9ALLY IMBU$ ) REVOLUTION>Y FIRE1 BUT GRADUALLY ABSORB+ POLITICAL AMBITIONS2 ! DIFF]5CE BETWE5 ! V>I\S SOCIAL S*OOLS2 ! BITT] /RUGGLE BETWE5 SOCIAL DEMOCRACY & AN>*ISM1 AS P]SONIFI$ BY ,M>X & ,5GELS ON ONE SIDE & ,MI*AEL ,BAKUN9 & ! ,LAT9 SECTIONS ON ! O!R --- A FEUD ?AT F9ALLY BROKE ! ,FIR/ ,9T]NATIONAL4 

,MO/ SPOKE 9T]E/+LY ( HIS PA/ & HE ALSO WANT$ TO KN[ AB\T MY *ILDHOOD & Y\?FUL LIFE4 ,ALL ?AT HAD PREC$$ MY COM+ TO ,NEW ,YORK SEEM$ TO ME 9SIGNIFICANT1 BUT ,MO/ DISAGRE$ ) ME AB\T IT4 ,HE 9SI/$ ?AT E>LY 5VIRONM5T & CONDITIONS >E P[]FUL FACTORS 9 MOLD+ ONE'S LIFE4 ,HE WOND]$ :E!R MY AWAK5+ TO SOCIAL PROBLEMS WAS DUE 5TIRELY TO ! %OCK ! ,*ICAGO TRAG$Y HAD GIV5 ME1 OR :E!R IT WAS ! FL[]+ ( :AT HAD ITS ROOTS 9 MYSELF1 9 ! PA/ & 9 ! CONDITIONS ( MY *ILDHOOD4 

,I RELAT$ TO HIM 9CID5TS ( MY RECOLLECTIONS --- SOME EXP]I5CES ( MY S*OOLDAYS1 :I* SEEM$ P>TICUL>LY TO 9T]E/ HIM4 

,:5 ,I WAS EI<T YE>S ( AGE1 ,FA!R S5T ME TO ,KONIGSB]G TO LIVE ) MY GR&MO!R & GO TO S*OOL !RE4 ,GR&MO!R WAS ! [N] ( A HAIRDRESS+ P>LOR MANAG$ BY H] ?REE DAU<T]S1 :ILE %E H]SELF CONT9U$ TO PLY ! TRADE ( SMUGGL]4 ,FA!R TOOK ME AS F> AS ,KOVNO1 :]E WE W]E MET BY ,GR&MO!R4 ,ON ! WAY HE /]NLY IMPRESS$ UPON MY M9D :AT A SACRIFICE IT WAS GO+ TO BE = HIM TO PAY =TY RUBLES A MON? = MY BO>D & S*OOL+4 ,I WAS GO+ TO BE 9 A PRIVATE S*OOL1 AS HE W\LD NOT P]MIT HIS *ILD 9 ! ,VOLKS*ULE4 ,HE WAS WILL+ TO DO ANY?+ = ME IF ,I W\LD BE A GOOD GIRL1 /UDY H>D1 OBEY MY TEA*]S1 GR&MO!R1 AUNTS1 & UNCLES4 ,HE W\LD NEV] TAKE ME BACK IF !RE %\LD BE ANY COMPLA9T AGA9/ ME & HE W\LD COME TO ,KONIGSB]G TO ?RA% ME4 ,MY HE>T WAS HEAVY ) FE> ( MY FA!R4 ,I WAS EV5 TOO MIS]ABLE TO C>E = ,GR&MO!R'S LOV+ RECEPTION4 ,I HAD ONLY ONE DESIRE1 TO GET AWAY FROM ,FA!R4 

,GR&MO!R'S QU>T]S 9 ,KONIGSB]G W]E CRAMP$1 CONSI/+ ( ONLY ?REE ROOMS & A KIT*54 ,! BE/ ROOM HAD BE5 ASSIGN$ TO MY AUNT & UNCLE1 :ILE ,I HAD TO SLEEP ) MY Y\NGE/ AUNT4 ,I HAD ALWAYS HAT$ %>+ MY B$ ) ANYONE ELSE4 ,9 FACT1 ?AT WAS A CON/ANT BONE ( CONT5TION BETWE5 MY SI/] ,HEL5A & MYSELF4 ,EV]Y NI<T WE W\LD REPEAT ! SAME >GUM5T3 :O %\LD SLEEP NEXT TO ! WALL & :O ON ! \TSIDE8 ,I 9SI/$ ALWAYS ON ! \TSIDE2 IT GAVE ME ! FEEL+ ( GREAT] FRE$OM4 ,N[1 TOO1 ! PROSPECT ( HAV+ TO SLEEP ) MY AUNT WAS OPPRESS+ ME4 ,BUT !RE WAS NO O!R PLACE4 

,FROM ! V]Y FIR/ ,I TOOK A VIOL5T DISLIKE TO MY UNCLE4 ,I MISS$ \R L>GE Y>D1 ! FIELDS1 & ! HILLS4 ,I FELT /IFL$ & ALONE 9 ! WORLD4 ,BE=E LONG ,I WAS S5T TO S*OOL4 ,I MADE FRI5DS !RE ) ! O!R *ILDR5 & BEGAN TO FEEL A LITTLE LESS LONELY4 ,ALL W5T WELL = A MON?2 !N ,GR&MO!R HAD TO GO AWAY 9DEF9ITELY4 ,ALMO/ IMM$IATELY MY PURGATORY BEGAN4 ,UNCLE 9SI/$ ?AT IT WAS NO USE WA/+ MONEY ON MY S*OOL+1 & ?AT =TY RUBLES W]E B>ELY 5\< = MY KEEP4 ,MY AUNTS PROTE/$1 BUT TO NO PURPOSE4 ,!Y W]E AFRAID ( ! MAN :O BULLI$ !M ALL4 ,I WAS TAK5 \T ( S*OOL & PUT TO WORK 9 ! H\SE4 

,FROM E>LY MORN+1 :5 ,I HAD TO FET* ! ROLLS1 MILK1 & *OCOLATE = \R BREAKFA/1 UNTIL LATE AT NI<T ,I WAS KEPT BUSY1 MAK+ B$S1 CLEAN+ BOOTS1 SCRUBB+ FLOORS1 & WA%+ CLO!S4 ,AFT] A :ILE ,I WAS EV5 PUT TO COOK+1 BUT MY UNCLE WAS NEV] SATISFI$4 ,HIS GRUFF VOICE %\T+ ORD]S ALL DAY LONG W\LD S5D COLD %IV]S D[N MY SP9E4 ,I DRUDG$ ON4 ,AT NI<T ,I W\LD WEEP MYSELF TO SLEEP4 

,I BECAME ?9 & PALE2 MY %OES W]E RUN D[N AT ! HEELS1 MY CLO!S W]E ?READB>E1 & ,I HAD NO ONE TO GO TO = COM=T4 ,MY ONLY FRI5DS W]E ! TWO OLD MAIDS :O [N$ \R FLAT & LIV$ BEL[1 & ONE ( MY MO!R'S SI/]S1 A NOBLE S\L4 ,%E WAS ILL MO/ ( ! TIME1 & ,I C\LD R>ELY GET AWAY TO SEE H]1 BUT ,I WAS (T5 TAK5 9 BY ! TWO DE> LADIES1 F$ ON C(FEE1 & TREAT$ TO BURNT ALMONDS1 MY FAVORITE DELICACY4 ,I US$ TO SEE SU* SWEETS 9 ! ,KONDITOREI & LOOK YE>N+LY AT !M1 BUT ,I NEV] HAD T5 PF5NIGE TO BUY ANY4 ,MY TWO FRI5DS GAVE ME ALL ,I WANT$1 AS WELL AS FL[]S FROM !IR LOVELY G>D54 

,I NEV] D>$ SLIP 9TO !IR PLACE UNTIL MY UNCLE WAS AWAY1 BUT !IR FRI5DLY GREET+ WAS BALM TO MY A*+ HE>T4 ,IT WAS ALWAYS ! SAME3 0,NA1 ,EMM*51 NO* IMM] IM ,GUMMI80 ,?AT WAS BECAUSE ,I WORE L>GE RUBB]S1 MY %OES HAV+ BECOME TOO WORN \T4 

,ON ! R>E OCCASIONS :5 ,I C\LD GET AWAY TO SEE MY AUNT ,YETTA %E 9SI/$ ?AT MY PEOPLE MU/ BE WRITT5 TO & TOLD TO COME & TAKE ME AWAY4 ,I W\LD NOT LI/5 TO IT4 ,I HAD NOT =GOTT5 ,FA!R'S LA/ WORDS2 BESIDES1 ,GR&MO!R WAS EXPECT$ EV]Y DAY & ,I KNEW %E W\LD SAVE ME FROM MY DREAD$ UNCLE4 

,ONE AFT]NOON1 AFT] AN ESPECIALLY H>D DAY'S WORK & 5DLESS ]R&S1 ,UNCLE CAME 9TO ! KIT*5 TO SAY ?AT ,I W\LD HAVE TO DELIV] ONE MORE P>CEL4 ,I KNEW BY ! ADDRESS ?AT IT WAS F> AWAY4 ,:E!R FROM FATIGUE OR BECAUSE ,I DISLIK$ ! MAN SO VIOL5TLY1 ,I TOOK ! C\RAGE TO SAY ?AT ,I C\LD NOT MAKE ! J\RNEY2 MY FEET HURT ME TOO MU*4 ,HE SLAPP$ ME FULL 9 ! FACE1 %\T+3 0,Y\ >E NOT E>N+ Y\R KEEP6 ,Y\ >E LAZY60 ,:5 HE LEFT ! ROOM1 ,I W5T \T 9TO ! CORRIDOR1 SAT D[N ON ! /AIRS1 & BEGAN TO CRY BITT]LY4 ,ALL ( A SUDD5 ,I FELT A KICK 9 ! BACK4 ,I TRI$ TO GRAB ! BANI/] AS ,I ROLL$ TO ! BOTTOM1 L&+ BEL[ 9 A HEAP4 ,! CLATT] R\S$ ! SI/]S1 :O CAME RUNN+ TO SEE :AT HAD HAPP5$4 0,DAS ,K9D IS TOT60 !Y SCREAM$4 0,! SC\NDREL HAS KILL$ H]60 ,!Y TOOK ME TO !IR ROOM & ,I CLUNG TO !M1 BESEE*+ !M NOT TO LET ME GO BACK TO MY UNCLE4 ,A DOCTOR WAS CALL$1 :O F\ND NO BONES BROK51 BUT MY ANKLE WAS SPRA9$4 ,I WAS PUT TO B$1 NURS$ & PETT$ AS ,I HAD NEV] BE5 BE=E1 EXCEPT BY MY [N ,HEL5A4 

,! ELD] ( ! TWO SI/]S1 ,WILHELM9A1 W5T UP/AIRS1 /ICK 9 H&4 ,I DON'T KN[ :AT %E SAID TO MY UNCLE1 BUT AFT] ?AT HE NEV] CAME NE> ME AGA94 ,I REMA9$ ) MY B5EFACTORS1 BASK+ 9 !IR G>D5 & !IR LOVE1 & EAT+ BURNT ALMONDS TO MY HE>T'S CONT5T4 

,SOON MY FA!R & GR&MO!R >RIV$4 ,AUNT ,YETTA HAD TELEGRAPH$ !M TO COME4 ,FA!R WAS %OCK$ BY MY APPE>ANCE2 HE ACTUALLY TOOK ME 9 HIS >MS & KISS$ ME4 ,SU* A ?+ HAD NOT HAPP5$ S9CE ,I WAS F\R4 ,!RE WAS A T]RIBLE SC5E BETWE5 ,GR&MO!R & H] SON-9-LAW1 :I* 5D$ 9 HIS MOV+ \T ( ! H\SE ) HIS WIFE4 ,BE=E LONG1 ,FA!R TOOK ME BACK TO ,POPELAN4 ,I !N DISCOV]$ ?AT HE HAD BE5 S5D+ =TY RUBLES REGUL>LY EV]Y MON?1 & ?AT MY UNCLE HAD JU/ AS REGUL>LY BE5 REPORT+ TO HIM ?AT ,I WAS DO+ SPL5DIDLY AT S*OOL4 

,MO/ WAS DEEPLY MOV$ BY MY /ORY4 ,HE PATT$ MY HEAD & KISS$ MY H&S4 0,>MES ,AS*5PRODEL*510 HE KEPT ON SAY+2 0Y\R *ILDHOOD WAS LIKE M9E AFT] ?AT BEA/ ( A /EPMO!R CAME TO \R H\SE40 ,HE WAS N[ MORE CONV9C$ ?AN EV]1 HE TOLD ME1 ?AT IT WAS ! 9FLU5CE ( MY *ILDHOOD ?AT HAD MADE ME :AT ,I WAS4 

  

,I RETURN$ TO ,NEW ,YORK MU* /R5G!N$ 9 MY FAI?1 PR\D ( HAV+ ! CONFID5CE & LOVE ( ,JOHANN ,MO/4 ,I WANT$ MY Y\NG FRI5DS TO SEE HIM AS HE APPE>$ TO ME4 ,9 GL[+ COLORS ,I TOLD !M EV]Y?+ ?AT HAD OCCURR$ DUR+ ! TWO WEEKS ON T\R --- EV]Y?+ EXCEPT ! EPISODE ON ! BOAT4 ,TO DO O!RWISE1 ,I FELT1 W\LD HAVE MEANT TO TE> OP5 ,MO/'S HE>T4 ,I C\LD NOT BE> EV5 ! LEA/ REFLECTION ON ANY?+ HE SAID OR DID4 

,WE HAD MOV$ TO ,?IRTE5? ,/REET4 ,HEL5 ,M9K9 HAD GONE BACK TO LIVE ) H] SI/]1 AS !IR FA!R WAS NO LONG] ) !M4 ,SA%A1 ,F$YA1 & ,I %>$ \R NEW FLAT4 ,IT BECAME AN OASIS = ,MO/ FROM ! B$LAM ( ! ,FREIHEIT (FICE4 ,(T5 !RE W\LD BE V]BAL CLA%ES BETWE5 HIM & ,SA%A3 NO?+ P]SONAL1 IT SEEM$1 BUT AB\T REV\TION>Y CONSI/5CY1 ME?ODS ( PROPAG&A1 ! DIFF]5CE 9 ZEAL BETWE5 ! ,G]MAN & ,RUSSIAN COMRADES1 & SU* MATT]S4 ,BUT ,I C\LD NOT FREE MYSELF FROM ! FEEL+ ?AT UND]NEA? !RE MI<T BE SOME?+ ELSE1 SOME?+ CONC]N+ ME4 ,!IR DISPUTES US$ TO MAKE ME UNEASY1 BUT AS ,I ALWAYS SUCCE$$ 9 DIV]T+ !IR P>TICUL> >GUM5TS 9TO G5]AL ISSUES1 ! DISCUSSIONS 5D$ 9 A FRI5DLY MANN]4 

,9 ! W9T] ( ?AT YE> 7#a#h#i7 ! RADICAL RANKS W]E >\S$ OV] ! REPORT BR\<T FROM ,SIB]IA BY ,GEORGE ,K5NAN1 AN ,AM]ICAN J\RNALI/4 ,HIS ACC\NT ( ! H>R[+ CONDITIONS ( ! ,RUSSIAN POLITICAL PRISON]S & EXILES MOV$ EV5 ! ,AM]ICAN PRESS TO L5G?Y COMM5TS4 ,WE ON ! ,EA/ ,SIDE HAD ALL ALONG KN[N ( ! HORRORS ?R\< UND]GR\ND MESSAGES4 ,A YE> BE=E1 FE>FUL ?+S HAD TAK5 PLACE 9 ,YAKUTSK4 ,POLITICALS :O HAD PROTE/$ AGA9/ ! MALTREATM5T ( !IR COMRADES W]E LUR$ 9TO ! PRISON Y>D & FIR$ UPON BY GU>DS2 A NUMB] ( PRISON]S W]E KILL$1 AMONG !M WOM51 :ILE SEV]AL O!RS W]E SUBSEQU5TLY HANG$ 9 ! PRISON = 09CIT+ AN \TBREAK40 ,WE KNEW ( O!R CASES EQUALLY T]RIBLE1 BUT ! ,AM]ICAN PRESS HAD KEPT SIL5T ON ! 9HUMANITIES COMMITT$ BY ! ,CZ>4 

,N[1 H[EV]1 AN ,AM]ICAN HAD BR\<T BACK AU!NTIC DATA & PHOTOGRAPHS1 & HE C\LD NOT BE IGNOR$4 ,HIS /ORY >\S$ MANY PUBLIC-SPIRIT$ M5 & WOM51 AMONG !M ,JULIA ,W>D ,H[E1 ,WILLIAM ,LLOYD ,G>RISON1 ,$MUND ,NOBLE1 ,LUCY ,/ONE ,BLACKWELL1 ,JAMES ,RUSSELL ,L[ELL1 ,LYMAN ,ABBOTT1 & O!RS1 :O ORGANIZ$ ! FIR/ SOCIETY ( ! ,FRI5DS ( ,RUSSIAN ,FRE$OM4 ,!IR MON?LY J\RNAL1 ,FREE ,RUSSIA1 9ITIAT$ ! MOVEM5T AGA9/ ! PROPOS$ EXTRADITION TREATY ) ,RUSSIA1 & !IR ACTIVITY & AGITATION BR\<T SPL5DID RESULTS4 ,AMONG O!R ?+S !Y SUCCE$$ 9 PREV5T+ ! DELIV]Y ( ! FAM\S REVOLUTIONI/ ,H>TMANN 9TO ! CLUT*ES ( ! ,CZ>I/ H5*M54 

,:5 WE FIR/ LE>N$ ( ! ,YAKUTSK \TRAGE1 ,SA%A & ,I BEGAN DISCUSS+ \R RETURN TO ,RUSSIA4 ,:AT C\LD WE HOPE TO A*IEVE 9 B>R5 ,AM]ICA8 ,IT W\LD REQUIRE YE>S TO ACQUIRE ! LANGUAGE ?OR\<LY1 & ,SA%A HAD NO ASPIRATIONS TO BECOME A PUBLIC SPEAK]4 ,9 ,RUSSIA WE C\LD 5GAGE 9 CONSPIRATORIAL WORK4 ,WE BELONG$ TO ,RUSSIA4 ,= MON?S WE W5T AB\T NURS+ ! IDEA1 BUT ! LACK ( NECESS>Y FUNDS COMPELL$ US TO GIVE IT UP4 ,BUT N[1 ) ,GEORGE ,K5NAN'S EXPOSE ( ! ,RUSSIAN HORRORS1 \R PLANS W]E REVIV$4 ,WE DECID$ TO SPEAK TO ,MO/ AB\T !M4 ,HE BECAME 5?USIA/IC OV] ! IDEA4 0,EMMA IS FA/ DEVELOP+ 9TO A GOOD SPEAK]10 HE SAID2 0:5 %E WILL HAVE MA/]$ ! LANGUAGE1 %E WILL BECOME A =CE H]E4 ,BUT Y\ CAN DO MORE 9 ,RUSSIA10 HE AGRE$ ) ,SA%A4 ,HE W\LD ISSUE A CONFID5TIAL APPEAL = FUNDS TO SOME TRU/WOR?Y COMRADES 9 ORD] TO EQUIP ,SA%A = HIS TRIP & = HIS WORK AFT]W>DS4 ,9 FACT1 ,SA%A HIMSELF C\LD HELP DRAW UP ! DOCUM5T4 ,MO/ ALSO SUGGE/$ ?AT IT W\LD BE ADVISABLE = ,SA%A TO LE>N ! PR9T+ TRADE SO AS TO 5ABLE HIM TO />T A SECRET PRESS = AN>*I/ LIT]ATURE 9 ,RUSSIA4  

,I WAS HAPPY TO SEE ,MO/ BECOME REJUV5AT$ BY HIS >DOR OV] \R PLANS4 ,I LOV$ HIM = HIS CONFID5CE 9 MY BOY1 BUT MY HE>T CONTRACT$ ) ! ?\<T ?AT HE DID NOT WANT ME TO GO ALSO4 ,HE SURELY DID NOT REALIZE :AT IT W\LD MEAN TO ME TO LET ,SA%A GO ALONE TO ,RUSSIA4 ,NO1 ?AT C\LD NEV] BE1 ,I DECID$ 9W>DLY4 

,IT WAS AGRE$ ?AT ,SA%A %\LD GO TO ,NEW ,HAV52 9 ! PR9T+ %OP ( A COMRADE !RE HE W\LD FAMILI>IZE HIMSELF ) EV]Y ASPECT ( ! WORK4 ,I TOO1 W\LD GO TO ,NEW ,HAV5 TO BE NE> ,SA%A4 ,I W\LD 9VITE ,HEL5 & ,ANNA ,M9K9 TO JO9 US1 & ALSO ,F$YA4 ,WE C\LD R5T A H\SE & !RE WE W\LD AT LA/ C>RY \T MY ORIG9AL PURPOSE3 />T A COOP]ATIVE DRESSMAK+ E/ABLI%M5T4 ,WE C\LD WORK = ! ,CAUSE1 TOO2 ORGANIZE LECTURES & 9VITE ,MO/ & O!R SPEAK]S1 >RANGE CONC]TS & PLAYS1 & RAISE FUNDS = ! PROPAG&A4 ,\R FRI5DS WELCOM$ ! IDEA1 & ,MO/ SAID HE W\LD BE GLAD TO HAVE A HOME & FRI5DS TO GO TO1 A REAL PLACE ( RE/4 ,SA%A IMM$IATELY LEFT = ,NEW ,HAV54 ,) ,F$YA ,I DISPOS$ ( ! H\SEHOLD ?+S WE C\LD NOT TAKE ) US1 & ! RE/1 TOGE!R ) MY FAI?FUL SEW+-MA*9E1 WE C>RI$ TO ,NEW ,HAV54 ,ONCE !RE1 WE HUNG \T A %+LE3 0,GOLDMAN & ,M9K91 ,DRESSMAK]S10 BUT WE W]E SOON COMPELL$ TO REALIZE ?AT CU/OM]S W]E NOT EXACTLY /&+ 9 L9E ON ! CORN] & ?AT IT W\LD BE NECESS>Y AT FIR/ TO E>N MONEY BY O!R MEANS4 ,I W5T BACK TO ! CORSET FACTORY :]E ,I HAD WORK$ AFT] MY FIR/ SEP>ATION FROM ,K]%N]4 ,?REE YE>S ONLY HAD PASS$ S9CE !N1 BUT IT SEEM$ AGES1 MY WORLD HAD *ANG$ SO COMPLETELY1 & ,I ) IT4 

,HEL5 JO9$ ME 9 ! FACTORY1 :ILE ,ANNA REMA9$ AT HOME4 ,%E WAS A GOOD SEAM/RESS1 BUT %E WAS NOT ABLE TO CUT OR FIT DRESSES4 ,I PREP>$ ! WORK = H] 9 ! EV5+1 SO %E C\LD F9I% IT 9 ! DAY-TIME4 

,IT WAS A GREAT PHYSICAL /RA9 TO RUN ! MA*9E ALL DAY 9 ! FACTORY1 COME HOME TO PREP>E SUPP] 7NO ONE ELSE 9 \R LITTLE COMMUNE C\LD COOK71 !N CUT & FIT DRESSES = ! NEXT DAY4 ,BUT ,I HAD BE5 9 GOOD HEAL? = SOME TIME & WE HAD A GREAT PURPOSE4 ,!N1 TOO1 !RE W]E \R SOCIAL 9T]E/S4 ,WE ORGANIZ$ AN $UCATIONAL GR\P1 >RANG$ LECTURES1 SOCIALS1 & DANCES4 ,WE H>DLY HAD TIME TO ?9K ( \RSELVES2 \R LIVES W]E BUSY & FULL4 

,MO/ CAME = A S]IES ( LECTURES & VISIT$ ) US4 ,SOLOT>(F ALSO1 & WE CELEBRAT$ ! EV5T 9 MEMORY ( MY FIR/ HE>+ HIM 9 ,NEW ,HAV54 ,\R GR\P BECAME A C5T] = ! PROGRESSIVE ,RUSSIAN1 ,JEWI%1 & ,G]MAN ELEM5TS4 ,\R WORK1 BE+ C>RI$ ON 9 =EIGN LANGUAGES1 DID NOT >\SE ! ATT5TION ( ! PRESS OR POLICE4 

,GRADUALLY WE BUILT UP A GOOD CLI5TELE1 :I* GAVE PROMISE ( MY LEAV+ ! FACTORY SOON4 ,SA%A WAS MAK+ GREAT HEADWAY AT ! PR9T]'S4 ,F$YA HAD GONE BACK TO ,NEW ,YORK BECAUSE HE C\LD SECURE NO WORK 9 ,NEW ,HAV54 ,\R PROPAG&A ACTIVITIES W]E BR++ RESULTS4 ,! LECTURES DREW L>GE CR[DS1 MU* LIT]ATURE WAS SOLD1 & MANY SUBSCRIB]S TO ! ,FREIHEIT GA9$4 ,\R LIFE WAS ACTIVE & 9T]E/+1 BUT PRES5TLY IT WAS DI/URB$4 ,ANNA1 :O HAD BE5 AIL+ 9 ,NEW ,YORK1 N[ GREW WORSE1 %[+ SIGNS ( CONSUMPTION2 & ONE ,SUNDAY AFT]NOON1 AT ! CLOSE ( ,MO/'S LECTURE1 ,HEL5 BECAME HY/]ICAL4 ,!RE SEEM$ TO BE NO P>TICUL> CAUSE = H] ATTACK1 BUT ! NEXT MORN+ %E CONFID$ TO ME H] LOVE = ,MO/1 DECL>+ ?AT %E W\LD HAVE TO LEAVE = ,NEW ,YORK1 AS %E C\LD NOT BE> BE+ AWAY FROM :]E HE WAS4 

,I MYSELF HAD ( LATE NOT BE5 MU* ) ,MO/ ALONE4 ,HE W\LD COME TO US AFT] HIS LECTURE1 BUT !RE W]E ALWAYS O!R VISITORS AB\T1 & 9 ! EV5+ HE W\LD TAKE ! TRA9 = ,NEW ,YORK4 ,OCCASIONALLY ,I W5T TO ,NEW ,YORK AT ,MO/'S REQUE/1 BUT \R MEET+S !RE G5]ALLY 5D$ 9 A SC5E4 ,HE W\LD URGE CLOS] CONTACT1 :I* ,I C\LD NOT GRANT4 ,ONCE HE GREW ANGRY1 DECL>+ HE DIDN'T HAVE TO BEG FROM ME2 HE C\LD 0GET ,HEL5 ANY TIME40 ,I ?\<T HE WAS JOK+1 UNTIL ,HEL5'S CONFESSION4 ,N[ ,I WOND]$ IF ,MO/ REALLY LOV$ ! *ILD4 

,! FOLL[+ ,SUNDAY HE LUN*$ AT \R PLACE & WE W5T \T = A WALK4 ,I ASK$ HIM TO TELL ME AB\T HIS FEEL+S = ,HEL54 0,RIDICUL\S10 HE REPLI$2 0! GIRL SIMPLY NE$S A MAN4 ,%E ?9KS %E LOVES ME4 ,I AM SURE ANY O!R MAN W\LD DO AS WELL40 ,I RES5T$ ! 9S9UATION1 = ,I KNEW ,HEL52 ,I KNEW %E WAS NOT ONE :O C\LD GIVE H]SELF 9 ! WAY HE H9T$4 0,%E YE>NS = LOVE10 ,I REPLI$4 ,MO/ LAU<$ CYNICALLY4 0,LOVE1 LOVE --- IT'S ALL S5TIM5TAL NONS5SE10 HE CRI$2 0!RE IS ONLY SEX60 ,SO ,SA%A WAS RI<T1 AFT] ALL1 ,I ?\<T4 ,MO/ C>$ = WOM5 ONLY AS FEMALES4 ,PROBABLY HE HAD ALSO NEV] WANT$ ME = ANY O!R REASON4 

,I HAD REALIZ$ LONG BE=E ?AT ,MO/'S APPEAL TO ME WAS NOT PHYSICAL4 ,IT WAS HIS 9TELLECT1 HIS BRILLIANT ABILITIES1 HIS PECULI>1 CONTRADICTORY P]SONALITY ?AT FASC9AT$ ME2 ! SUFF]+ & P]SECUTION HE HAD 5DUR$ MELT$ MY HE>T1 EV5 ?\< ,I RES5T$ MANY ( HIS TRAITS4 ,HE W\LD *>GE ME ) BE+ COLD1 ) NOT LOV+ HIM4 ,ONCE1 :ILE WE W]E WALK+ 9 ,NEW ,HAV51 HE BECAME ESPECIALLY 9SI/5T4 ,MY REFUSAL MADE HIM ANGRY & HE LAUN*$ 9TO A TIRADE AGA9/ ,SA%A4 ,HE HAD KN[N LONG AGO1 HE SAID1 ?AT ,I PREF]R$ 0?AT >ROGANT ,RUSSIAN ,JEW0 :O HAD D>$ TO HOLD HIM1 ,MO/1 TO ACC\NT2 TO TELL HIM :AT WAS 9 KEEP+ ) REVOLUTION>Y E?ICS4 ,HE HAD IGNOR$ ! CRITICISM ( 0! Y\NG FOOL :O KNEW NO?+ ( LIFE40 ,BUT HE WAS TIR$ ( ! :OLE ?+1 & ?AT WAS :Y HE WAS HELP+ HIM GO TO ,RUSSIA1 F> AWAY FROM ME4 ,I W\LD HAVE TO *OOSE BETWE5 HIM & ,SA%A4 

,I HAD BE5 AW>E ( ! SIL5T ANTAGONISM BETWE5 ! TWO1 BUT ,MO/ HAD NEV] SPOK5 ( ,SA%A BE=E 9 SU* A MANN]4 ,IT /UNG ME TO ! QUICK4 ,I =GOT ,MO/'S GREATNESS2 ,I WAS CONSCI\S ONLY ?AT HE HAD D>$ TO ATTACK :AT WAS ! MO/ PRECI\S ?+ TO ME1 MY ,SA%A1 MY WILD1 9SPIR$ BOY4 ,I WANT$ ,MO/ & ! V]Y HILLS TO KN[ MY LOVE = ?IS 0>ROGANT ,RUSSIAN ,JEW40 ,I CRI$ IT \T1 IMPULSIVELY1 PASSIONATELY4 ,I1 TOO1 WAS A ,RUSSIAN ,JEW4 ,WAS HE1 ,MO/1 ! AN>*I/1 AN ANTI-,SEMITE8 ,& H[ D>E HE SAY ?AT HE WANT$ ME ALL TO HIMSELF8 ,WAS ,I AN OBJECT1 TO BE TAK5 & [N$8 ,:AT K9D ( AN>*ISM WAS ?AT8 ,SA%A HAD BE5 RI<T 9 CLAIM+ ?AT ,MO/ WAS NO LONG] AN AN>*I/4 

,MO/ KEPT SIL5T4 ,PRES5TLY ,I HE>D A MOAN AS ( A W\ND$ ANIMAL4 ,MY \TBUR/ CAME TO AN ABRUPT /OP4 ,HE LAY /RET*$ ON ! GR\ND1 FACE D[NW>D1 HIS H&S CL5*$4 ,V>I\S EMOTIONS /RUGGL$ )9 ME --- LOVE = ,SA%A1 MORTIFICATION ?AT ,I HAD SPOK5 SO H>%LY1 ANG] ) ,MO/1 9T5SE COMPASSION = HIM1 AS HE LAY LIKE A *ILD BE=E ME1 CRY+4 ,I LIFT$ HIS HEAD G5TLY4 ,I LONG$ TO TELL HIM H[ SORRY ,I FELT1 BUT WORDS SEEM$ BANAL4 ,HE LOOK$ UP 9TO MY FACE & :ISP]$3 0,ME9 ,K9D1 ME9 ,K9D1 ,SA%A IS A LUCKY DOG TO HAVE SU* LOVE4 ,I WOND] IF HE APPRECIATES IT40 ,HE BURI$ HIS HEAD 9 MY LAP & WE SAT 9 SIL5CE4 

,SUDD5LY VOICES BROKE UPON \R E>S4 0,GET UP1 Y\ TWO1 GET UP6 ,:AT DO Y\ MEAN MAK+ LOVE 9 PUBLIC8 ,Y\ >E >RE/$ = DISORD]LY CONDUCT40 ,MO/ WAS AB\T TO RAISE HIMSELF4 ,COLD T]ROR CLUT*$ ME1 NOT = MYSELF1 BUT = HIM4 ,I KNEW ?AT IF !Y RECOGNIZ$ HIM !Y W\LD TAKE HIM TO ! /ATION-H\SE1 & ! NEXT DAY ! PAP]S W\LD AGA9 C>RY SCURRIL\S /ORIES AB\T HIM4 ,QUICK AS LI<TN+ ! ?\<T CAME TO ME TO MAKE UP SOME Y>N1 ANY?+ ?AT W\LD PREV5T A SC&AL4 0,I AM SO GLAD Y\ HAVE COME10 ,I SAID2 0MY FA!R HAD A SUDD5 ATTACK ( DIZZ9ESS4 ,I WAS HOP+ SOMEONE W\LD PASS ALONG SO WE C\LD GET A DOCTOR4 ,WON'T ONE ( Y\ G5TLEM5 DO SOME?+80 ,! TWO BROKE \T 9TO L\D LAU<T]4 0,FA!R1 HUH1 Y\ %REW6 ,WELL1 IF Y\R FA!R WILL GIVE US FIVE BUCKS1 WE'LL LET Y\ (F ?IS TIME40 ,I FUMBL$ 9 MY PURSE N]V\SLY & GOT \T ! ONLY FIVE-DOLL> BILL ,I [N$4 ,! M5 LEFT1 !IR SUGGE/IVE LAU< GRAT+ ON MY E>S4 

,MO/ SAT BOLT UPRI<T1 TRY+ H>D TO SUPPRESS A *UCKLE4 0,Y\ >E CLEV]10 HE SAID2 0BUT ,I CAN SEE N[ ?AT ,I %ALL NEV] BE ANY?+ ELSE TO Y\ BUT A FA!R40 ,?AT EV5+1 AFT] ! LECTURE1 ,I DID NOT GO TO ! /ATION TO SEE ,MO/ (F4 

,E>LY NEXT MORN+ ,I WAS TORN \T ( SLEEP BY ,SA%A4 ,ANNA HAD HAD A HEMORRHAGE ( ! LUNGS4 ,! PHYSICIAN1 HURRI$LY SUMMON$1 SAID ! CASE WAS S]I\S & ORD]$ ,ANNA TO A SANATORIUM4 ,SOME DAYS LAT] ,SA%A TOOK H] TO ,NEW ,YORK4 ,I REMA9$ 9 ,NEW ,HAV5 TO W9D UP \R AFFAIRS4 ,MY GREAT PLAN ( A COOP]ATIVE V5TURE HAD GONE TO SMA%4 

  

,9 ,NEW ,YORK WE R5T$ A FLAT ON ,=SY! ,/REET4 ,F$YA CONT9U$ TO MAKE CRAYON 5L>GEM5TS :5EV] HE WAS LUCKY 5\< TO GET ORD]S4 ,I AGA9 TOOK UP PIECE-WORK4 ,SA%A WORK$ AS COMPOSITOR ON ! ,FREIHEIT1 /ILL CL++ TO ! HOPE ?AT ,MO/ W\LD 5ABLE HIM TO GO TO ,RUSSIA4 ,! APPEAL = FUNDS1 COMPOS$ BY ,MO/ & ,SA%A1 HAD BE5 S5T \T1 & WE ANXI\SLY AWAIT$ ! RESULTS4 

,I SP5T MU* TIME 9 ! ,FREIHEIT (FICE1 :]E ! TABLES W]E PIL$ HI< ) ,EUROPEAN EX*ANGES4 ,ONE ( !M P>TICUL>LY ATTRACT$ MY ATT5TION4 ,IT WAS ,DIE ,AUTONOMIE1 A ,G]MAN AN>*I/ WEEKLY PUBLI%$ 9 ,LONDON4 ,:ILE NOT COMP>ABLE ) ! ,FREIHEIT 9 =CE & PICTURESQU5ESS ( LANGUAGE1 IT NEV]!LESS SEEM$ TO ME TO EXPRESS AN>*ISM 9 A CLE>] & MORE CONV9C+ MANN]4 ,ONE TIME1 :5 ,I HAD M5TION$ ! PUBLICATION TO ,MO/1 HE BECAME 5RAG$4 ,HE TOLD ME CURTLY ?AT ! PEOPLE BEH9D ! V5TURE W]E %ADY *>ACT]S1 ?AT !Y HAD BE5 MIX$ UP ) 0! SPY ,PEUK]T1 :O BETRAY$ ,JOHN ,NEVE1 ONE ( \R BE/ ,G]MAN COMRADES1 9TO ! H&S ( ! POLICE40 ,IT HAD NEV] OCCURR$ TO ME !N TO D\BT ,MO/ & ,I CEAS$ READ+ ! ,AUTONOMIE4 

,BUT NE>] ACQUA9TANCE ) ! MOVEM5T & MY O!R EXP]I5CES %[$ ME ,MO/'S P>TIALITY4 ,I BEGAN TO READ ! ,AUTONOMIE AGA94 ,SOON ,I CAME TO ! CONCLUSION ?AT1 H[EV] CORRECT ,MO/ MI<T BE AB\T ! P]SONNEL ( ! PAP]1 ITS T5ETS W]E MU* CLOS] TO :AT AN>*ISM HAD COME TO MEAN TO ME ?AN ?OSE ( ! ,FREIHEIT4 ,! ,AUTONOMIE /RESS$ MORE ! FRE$OM ( ! 9DIVIDUAL & ! 9DEP5D5CE ( GR\PS4 ,ITS 5TIRE TONE HELD A P[]FUL APPEAL = ME4 ,MY TWO FRI5DS FELT ! SAME WAY4 ,SA%A SUGGE/$ ?AT WE GET 9 T\* ) ! COMRADES 9 ,LONDON4 

,BE=E LONG WE LE>N$ ( ! EXI/5CE ( ! ,GR\P ,AUTONOMIE 9 ,NEW ,YORK4 ,ITS WEEKLY GA!R+S W]E ON ,SATURDAYS1 & WE DECID$ TO VISIT ! PLACE ON ,FIF? ,/REET4 ,IT BORE ! PECULI> NAME ,ZUM ,GROB5 ,MI*EL1 :I* WELL CORRESPOND$ ) ! R\< EXT]IOR & GRUFF MANN] ( ITS GIANT [N]4 ,! LEAD+ SPIRIT ( ! GR\P WAS ,JOSEPH ,PEUK]T4 

,HAV+ BE5 9FLU5C$ BY ,MO/ AGA9/ ,PEUK]T1 WE LONG F\<T ! LATT]'S V]SION ( ! /ORY ?AT HELD HIM RESPONSIBLE = ! >RE/ & IMPRISONM5T ( ,NEVE4 ,BUT AFT] MON?S ( ASSOCIATION ) ,PEUK]T WE BECAME CONV9C$ ?AT1 :ATEV] MI<T HAVE BE5 HIS %>E 9 ?AT T]RIBLE AFFAIR1 HE C\LD NOT HAVE BE5 A DELIB]ATE P>TY TO TREA*]Y4 

,JOSEPH ,PEUK]T HAD AT ONE TIME PLAY$ A V]Y IMPORTANT ROLE 9 ! SOCIALI/ MOVEM5T ( ,AU/RIA4 ,BUT HE C\LD 9 NO S5SE COMP>E ) ,JOHANN ,MO/4 ,HE LACK$ ! VIVID P]SONALITY ( ! LATT]1 HIS G5IUS & FASC9AT+ SPONTANEITY4 ,PEUK]T WAS GRAVE1 P$ANTIC1 UTT]LY DEVOID ( HUMOR4 ,AT FIR/ ,I BELIEV$ ?AT HIS SOMB]NESS WAS DUE TO ! P]SECUTION HE HAD SUFF]$1 ! ACCUSATION ( TRAITOR CA/ AGA9/ HIM1 :I* HAD MADE HIM A P>IAH4 ,BUT SOON ,I CAME TO UND]/& ?AT HIS 9F]IORITY WAS CONDITION$ 9 HIMSELF1 & ?AT1 9 FACT1 IT WAS ! DOM9ANT =CE 9 HIS HATR$ ( ,MO/4 ,/ILL \R SYMPA?IES W5T \T TO ,PEUK]T4 ,WE FELT ?AT ! FEUD BETWE5 ! TWO AN>*I/IC CAMPS --- BETWE5 ! FOLL[]S ( ,MO/ & ?OSE ( ,PEUK]T --- WAS TO A L>GE EXT5T ! RESULT ( P]SONAL VANITIES4 ,WE ?\<T IT FAIR ?AT ,PEUK]T BE GIV5 A HE>+ BE=E A GR\P ( IMP>TIAL COMRADES4 ,9 ?IS VIEW WE W]E SUPPORT$ BY SOME MEMB]S ( ! ,PIONE]S ( ,LIB]TY1 TO :I* BO? ,SA%A & ,F$YA BELONG$4 

,AT ! NATIONAL CONF]5CE ( ! ,YIDDI% AN>*I/ ORGANIZATIONS 9 ,DECEMB] #ahi ,SA%A PROPOS$ ?AT ! ,MO/-,PEUK]T *>GES BE TAK5 UP = A ?OR\< 9VE/IGATION1 & ?AT BO? M5 BE ASK$ TO BR+ !IR EVID5CE4 ,:5 ,MO/ LE>N$ ( IT1 ALL HIS P]SONAL ANTAGONISM & BITT]NESS AGA9/ ,SA%A BROKE \T 9TO UNCONTROLL$ FURY4 0,?AT >ROGANT Y\NG ,JEW10 HE CRI$2 0 ?AT ,GRUNS*NABEL --- H[ D>E HE D\BT ,MO/ & ! COMRADES :O LONG AGO PROV$ ?AT ,PEUK]T WAS A SPY80 ,AGA9 ,I FELT ?AT ,SA%A WAS RI<T 9 HIS E/IMATE ( ,MO/4 ,HAD HE NOT MA9TA9$ = A LONG TIME ?AT ,MO/ WAS A TYRANT :O WANT$ TO RULE ) AN IRON H& UND] ! GUISE ( AN>*ISM8 ,HAD HE NOT REPEAT$LY TOLD ME ?AT ,MO/ WAS NO LONG] A REVOLUTIONI/8 0,Y\ CAN DO :AT Y\ PLEASE10 ,SA%A N[ SAID TO ME1 0BUT ,I AM ?R\< ) ,MO/ & ! ,FREIHEIT40 ,HE W\LD GIVE UP HIS JOB ON ! PAP] AT ONCE4 

,I HAD BE5 TOO CLOSE TO ,MO/1 HAD LOOK$ TOO DEEPLY 9TO HIS S\L1 HAD FELT TOO /RONGLY HIS *>M & FASC9ATION1 HIS HEI<TS & DEP?S1 TO GIVE HIM UP SO EASILY4 ,I W\LD GO TO HIM & TRY TO SMOO? HIS TR\BL$ SPIRIT1 AS ,I HAD DONE SO (T54 ,I WAS SURE ,MO/ LOV$ \R BEAUTIFUL IDEAL4 ,HAD HE NOT GIV5 UP EV]Y?+ = IT8 ,HAD HE NOT SUFF]$ PA9 & 9DIGNITIES = ITS SAKE8 ,SURELY HE C\LD BE MADE TO SEE ! GREAT H>M TO ! MOVEM5T :I* HIS FEUD ) ,PEUK]T HAD ALREADY CAUS$4 ,I W\LD GO TO HIM4 

,SA%A CALL$ ME A BL9D WOR%IP]2 HE HAD KN[N ALL ALONG1 HE SAID1 ?AT ,MO/ ! MAN MEANT MORE TO ME ?AN ,MO/ ! REVOLUTIONI/4 ,YET ,I C\LD NOT AGREE ) ,SA%A'S RIGID DI/9CTIONS4 ,:5 ,I HAD FIR/ HE>D HIM EMPHASIZE ! GREAT] IMPORTANCE ( ! ,CAUSE OV] LIFE & BEAUTY1 SOME?+ 9 ME HAD REBELL$4 ,BUT ,I WAS NEV] CONV9C$ ?AT HE WAS WRONG4 ,NO ONE ) SU* S+L5ESS ( PURPOSE1 SU* SELFLESS DEVOTION1 C\LD BE WRONG4 ,IT MU/ BE SOME?+ 9 MYSELF1 ,I FELT1 ?AT B\ND ME TO ! E>?1 TO ! HUMAN SIDE ( ?OSE :O CAME 9TO MY LIFE4 ,I (T5 ?\<T ?AT ,I MU/ BE WEAK1 ?AT ,I W\LD NEV] REA* ,SA%A'S REVOLUTION>Y1 IDEALI/IC HEI<TS4 ,BUT --- WELL1 AT LEA/ ,I C\LD LOVE HIM = HIS ZEAL4 ,SOME DAY ,I W\LD %[ HIM H[ GREAT MY DEVOTION C\LD BE4 

,I W5T TO ! ,FREIHEIT (FICE TO SEE ,MO/4 ,H[ *ANG$ WAS HIS MANN] TO ME1 :AT A CONTRA/ TO MY FIR/ MEMORABLE VISIT6 ,I FELT IT EV5 BE=E HE SAID ONE WORD4 0,:AT DO Y\ WANT ) ME1 N[ ?AT Y\ >E ) ?AT DREADFUL GR\P80 HE GREET$ ME4 0,Y\ HAVE *OS5 MY 5EMIES AS Y\R FRI5DS40 ,I /EPP$ CLOSE TO HIM1 REM>K+ ?AT ,I C\LD NOT >GUE 9 ! (FICE4 ,W\LD HE NOT GO \T ) ME ?AT EV5+ --- JU/ = OLD FRI5D%IP'S SAKE8 0,OLD FRI5D%IP'S SAKE60 HE CRI$ D]ISIVELY2 0IT WAS BEAUTIFUL :ILE IT LA/$4 ,:]E IS IT N[8 ,Y\ HAVE SE5 FIT TO GO ) MY 5EMIES & Y\ HAVE PREF]R$ A M]E Y\NG/] TO ME6 ,:OEV] IS NOT ) ME IS AGA9/ ME60 ,BUT :ILE HE KEPT ON TALK+ ANGRILY1 ,I ?\<T ,I DETECT$ A *ANGE 9 HIS TONE4 ,IT WAS NO LONG] SO H>%4 ,IT HAD BE5 HIS VOICE ?AT HAD ORIG9ALLY /RUCK DEEP 9TO MY BE+2 ,I HAD LE>N$ TO LOVE IT1 TO UND]/& ITS TREMUL\S *ANGEABILITY FROM ! H>DNESS ( /EEL TO MELL[ T5D]NESS4 ,I WAS ALWAYS ABLE TO DI/+UI% ! HEI<TS & DEP?S ( HIS EMOTION BY ! TIMBRE ( HIS VOICE4 ,BY ?IS ,I N[ KNEW ?AT HE WAS NO LONG] ANGRY4 

,I TOOK HIM BY ! H&4 0,PLEASE1 ,HANNES1 COME1 WON'T Y\80 ,HE PRESS$ ME TO HIS HE>T4 0,Y\ >E A ,HEXE2 Y\ >E A T]RIBLE WOMAN4 ,Y\ WILL BE ! UNDO+ ( EV]Y MAN4 ,BUT ,I LOVE Y\1 ,I WILL COME40 

,WE W5T TO A CAFE ON ,SIX? ,AV5UE & ,=TY-SECOND ,/REET4 ,IT WAS A FAM\S GA!R+-PLACE = !ATRICAL PEOPLE1 GAMBL]S1 & PRO/ITUTES4 ,HE *OSE ! PLACE BECAUSE COMRADES NEV] FREQU5T$ IT4 

,IT WAS A LONG TIME S9CE WE HAD BE5 \T TOGE!R1 S9CE ,I HAD WAT*$ ! WOND]FUL TRANS=MATION ?AT ,MO/ ALWAYS UND]W5T AFT] A FEW GLASSES ( W9E4 ,HIS *ANG$ MOOD W\LD TRANSPORT ME TO A DIFF]5T WORLD1 A WORLD )\T DISCORD & /RIFE1 )\T A ,CAUSE TO B9D ONE1 OR OP9IONS ( COMRADES TO CONSID]4 ,ALL DIFF]5CES W]E =GOTT54 ,:5 WE SEP>AT$1 ,I HAD NOT SPOK5 TO HIM AB\T ! ,PEUK]T CASE4 

,! NEXT DAY ,I RECEIV$ A LETT] FROM ,MO/1 5CLOS+ DATA ON ! ,PEUK]T AFFAIR4 ,I READ ! LETT] FIR/4 ,AGA9 HE P\R$ \T HIS HE>T AS ON \R TRIP TO ,BO/ON4 ,HIS PLA9T WAS LOVE1 & :Y IT MU/ 5D2 IT WAS NOT ONLY ?AT HE C\LD NOT CONT9UE TO %>E ME ) ANO!R1 BUT ?AT HE C\LD NO LONG] SUPPORT ! 9CREAS+ DIFF]5CES BETWE5 US4 ,HE WAS SURE ?AT ,I W\LD GO ON GR[+1 BECOM+ AN EV]-9CREAS+ =CE 9 ! MOVEM5T4 ,BUT ?IS V]Y ASSURANCE CONV9C$ HIM ?AT \R RELATIONS W]E B\ND TO LACK P]MAN5CE4 ,A HOME1 *ILDR51 ! C>E & ATT5TION ORD9>Y WOM5 CAN GIVE1 :O HAVE NO O!R 9T]E/ 9 LIFE BUT ! MAN !Y LOVE & ! *ILDR5 !Y BE> HIM --- ?AT WAS :AT HE NE$$ & FELT HE HAD F\ND 9 ,HEL54 ,H] ATTRACTION = HIM WAS NOT ! TEMPE/U\S PASSION ,I HAD AWAK5$4 ,\R LA/ EMBRACE WAS ONLY ONE MORE PRO( ( ! HOLD ,I HAD ON HIM4 ,IT WAS EC/ATIC1 BUT IT LEFT HIM 9 A TURMOIL1 9 A CONFLICT1 UNHAPPY4 ,! SQUABBLES 9 ! RANKS1 ! PREC>I\S CONDITION ( ! ,FREIHEIT1 & HIS [N IMP5D+ RETURN TO ,BLACKWELL'S ,ISL&1 ALL COMB9$ TO ROB HIM ( PEACE1 TO UNFIT HIM = WORK :I* WAS1 AFT] ALL1 HIS GREAT TASK 9 LIFE4 ,HE HOP$ ?AT ,I W\LD UND]/&1 ?AT ,I W\LD EV5 HELP HIM TO F9D ! PEACE HE S\<T4 

,I READ & R]EAD ! LETT]1 LOCK$ 9 MY ROOM4 ,I WANT$ TO BE ALONE ) ALL ?AT ,MO/ HAD MEANT TO ME1 ALL HE HAD GIV5 ME4 ,:AT HAD ,I GIV5 HIM8 ,NOT SO MU* AS EV5 ! ORD9>Y WOMAN GIVES ! MAN %E LOVES4 ,I HAT$ TO ADMIT1 EV5 TO MYSELF1 ?AT ,I LACK$ :AT HE WANT$ SO MU*4 ,I KNEW ,I C\LD BR+ HIM *ILDR5 IF ,I W\LD HAVE ! OP]ATION4 ,H[ WOND]FUL IT W\LD BE TO HAVE A *ILD BY ?IS UNIQUE P]SONALITY6 ,I SAT LO/ 9 ! ?\<T4 ,BUT SOON SOME?+ MORE 9SI/5T AWAK5$ 9 MY BRA9 --- ,SA%A1 ! LIFE & WORK WE HAD TOGE!R4 ,W\LD ,I GIVE IT ALL UP8 ,NO1 NO1 ?AT WAS IMPOSSIBLE1 ?AT %\LD NEV] BE6 ,BUT :Y ,SA%A RA!R ?AN ,MO/8 ,TO BE SURE1 ,SA%A HAD Y\? & 9DOMITABLE ZEAL4 ,AH1 YES1 HIS ZEAL --- WAS NOT ?AT ! CEM5T ?AT HAD B\ND ME TO HIM8 ,BUT SUPPOSE ,SA%A1 TOO1 %\LD WANT A WIFE1 HOME1 *ILDR54 ,:AT !N8 ,%\LD ,I BE ABLE TO GIVE HIM ?AT8 ,BUT ,SA%A W\LD NEV] EXPECT SU* A ?+ --- HE LIV$ ONLY = ! ,CAUSE & HE WANT$ ME ALSO TO LIVE ONLY = IT4 

,AN AGONIZ$ NI<T FOLL[$ ?AT DAY4 ,I C\LD F9D NO ANSW] & NO PEACE4 

,FROM 3 ,AN>*Y ,>*IVES4 

,*RONOLOGY 3 
,DECEMB] #c#a1 #aic 3 ,VOLUME #a1 ,*APT] #f -- ,PUBLICATION4 
,JANU>Y #b#c1 #bag 3 ,VOLUME #a1 ,*APT] #f -- ,ADD$4 

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