,SURVIV+ A ,GR& ,JURY 

,PEOPLE 3 

,AU?OR 3 ,CRIME?,9C4 

,TEXT 3 

,A ,FEW ,WORDS AB\T ,GR& ,JURIES 

  

,GR& JURIES S]VE ! /ATE AS A SORT ( AUXILI>Y LEGAL PROCE$+ TO =CE PEOPLE TO 9=M ON EA* O!R4 ,A GR& JURY ISN'T A CRIM9AL TRIAL2 !RE'S NO JUDGE PRES5T4 ,IT TAKES PLACE 5TIRELY 9 SECRET4 ,AS A WITNESS1 Y\ CAN'T EV5 OBTA9 TRANSCRIPTS ( Y\R TE/IMONY4 

,ONLY ! PROSECUTOR & ! JURI/S >E ALL[$ 9 ! ROOM ) ! WITNESS4 ,! JURI/S >E *OS5 ACCORD+ TO ! PROSECUTOR'S AG5DA & NOT SCRE5$ = BIAS4 ,! GR& JURY DOESN'T HAVE TO 9=M Y\ AB\T ! DETAILS ( :AT !Y >E 9VE/IGAT+2 Y\ HAVE NO WAY TO KN[ :AT 9=MATION MI<T BE 9CRIM9AT+ = Y\ OR ANO!R P]SON4 

,GR& JURIES SUSP5D ,FIF? ,AM5DM5T RI<TS4 ,!Y CAN SUBPO5A Y\ & GIVE Y\ 0IMMUNITY0 9 ORD] TO =CE Y\ TO TE/IFY2 IF Y\ REFUSE1 !Y CAN JAIL Y\ = UP TO EI<TE5 MON?S4 ,?IS IMMUNITY DOES NOT PROTECT Y\ FROM PROSECUTION2 IT ONLY /IPULATES ?AT ! 9=MATION Y\ P]SONALLY PROVIDE CANNOT BE US$ AGA9/ Y\1 AL?\< ! SAME 9=MATION PROVID$ BY SOMEONE ELSE CAN BE4 

,ALL ?IS EXPLA9S :Y PEOPLE :O DO NOT WANT TO BE COMPLICIT 9 5ABL+ ! /ATE TO P]SECUTE COMMUNITIES REFUSE TO GIVE ANY 9=MATION TO A GR& JURY :ATSOEV]4 ,Y\ NEV] KN[ :AT DETAIL MI<T BE US$ AGA9/ SOMEONE ELSE4 ,EV5 IF NO ONE IS GUILTY ( ANY CRIME1 PROVID+ 9=MATION TO A GR& JURY CAN RESULT 9 ONGO+ LEGAL H>ASSM5T ?AT CAN RIPPLE \T & AFFECT MANY PEOPLE4 

,GR& JURIES S]VE TO GA!R 9=MATION ON DISSID5TS F> BEYOND :AT POLICE & PROSECUTORS C\LD GA!R ON !IR [N2 !Y HAVE BE5 US$ TO ISOLATE1 DIVIDE1 & DE/ROY SOCIAL MOVEM5TS S9CE ! #a#i#fS4 ,GR& JURIES >E CURR5TLY BE+ US$ TO T>GET AN>*I/S1 ANTI-FASCI/S1 & 9DIG5\S WAT] PROTECTORS :O /RUGGL$ AT ,/&+ ,ROCK4 

,IF Y\'RE SUBPO5A$ BY A GR& JURY & Y\ DECIDE TO RESI/1 Y\ HAVE TWO OPTIONS3 %[ UP 9 C\RT & REFUSE TO TE/IFY1 !N S]VE TIME 9 PRISON = CONTEMPT1 OR GO ON ! RUN BE=E Y\R FIR/ C\RT DATE4 

,?REE ,:O ,F\<T ! ,LAW & ,WON 

  

,! FOLL[+ /ORIES >E FROM ?REE COMRADES3 ,ESME1 :O S]V$ JAIL TIME = RESI/+2 ,DEVL91 :O W5T ON ! RUN RA!R ?AN COOP]ATE2 & ,CORA1 :O WAS ! P>TN] ( A GR& JURY RESI/] & SUPPORT$ !M BE=E1 DUR+1 & AFT] IMPRISONM5T4 

,WE'RE DEEPLY 9SPIR$ BY ! *OICES !SE PEOPLE MADE 9 RESI/+ ! /ATE4 ,WE HOPE ?AT IF Y\ EV] HAVE TO FACE A GR& JURY1 CRIM9AL *>GES1 OR POLICE H>ASSM5T1 !IR WORDS WILL GIVE Y\ /R5G? & FAI? 9 Y\RSELF4 ,IT CAN HELP TO LE>N FROM ! EXP]I5CES ( ?OSE :O WALK$ 9 Y\R %OES BE=E Y\--TO KN[ ?AT Y\ >E NOT ALONE4 

,A ,KNOCK ON ! ,DOOR 

  

,ESME3 ,I REMEMB] :5 ?OSE D\*EBAGS FIR/ CAME TO MY DOOR4 ,I P>TICUL>LY REMEMB] ! TALL MAN ) %>P FEATURES & CREEPY BLUE EYES4 ,HE KNOCK$ ON MY DOOR AT #f AM4 ,:5 ,I ANSW]$1 /ILL HALF-ASLEEP1 HE SAID1 0,OH1 HI1 SORRY TO WAKE Y\4 ,I SAW ?R\< Y\R W9D[ ?AT Y\ W]E SLEEP+4 ,Y\ KN[ ?IS IS MY LEA/ FAVORITE P>T ( ! JOB40 ,HE WAS !RE TO SUBPO5A A FRI5D ( M9E4 ,I SLAMM$ ! DOOR 9 HIS FACE4 ,OV] ! FOLL[+ MON?S1 MY FRI5DS GOT S]V$ !IR SUBPO5AS & HAD TO GO TO C\RT DATES4 ,I HELP$ TO ORGANIZE SUPPORT = !M4 ,AT ! TIME IT FELT LIKE AN AG5T WAS LURK+ BEH9D EV]Y CORN]--& ! T\< P>T WAS SOMETIMES !Y W]E4 

,CORA3 ,I WAS AWOK5 ?AT MORN+ BY MY P>TN]1 :O WAS 9 %OCK4 ,F$]AL AG5TS HAD COME LOOK+ = A FRI5D & =M] H\SEMATE ( \RS4 ,!Y WANT$ TO S]VE HIM A SUBPO5A TO TE/IFY BE=E A GR& JURY4 ,! DAYS ?AT FOLL[$ W]E A FLURRY ( HU%$ CONV]SATION1 L>G] DISPLAYS ( SOLID>ITY1 CRY+1 & PANIC4 

,\R H\SE WAS AWKW>DLY BUILT ) F\R DOORS TO ! \TSIDE & MANY W9D[S4 ,IT WASN'T ! GREATE/ LAY\T = FEEL+ PROTECT$ :5 P>ANOIA /RUCK4 ,I WAS HOME ALONE ONE EV5+ :5 ,I HE>D C> DOORS SLAM \TSIDE \R H\SE4 ,?IS WASN'T /RANGE = \R NEI<BORHOOD1 BUT MY FE> ( ! F$S TURN$ EV]Y S\ND 9TO IMP5D+ >RE/ OR ANO!R SUBPO5A4 ,?IS TIME1 IT WAS F$]AL AG5TS4 ,A GR\P ( FIVE M$IUM-TO-L>GE M5 ) FLA%LI<TS1 9 BLACK CLO?+1 BEGAN ASSESS+ \R HOME FROM ! \TSIDE1 />T+ NE> MY P>TN]'S B$ROOM DOOR1 >\ND TO \R BACKY>D1 >\ND ! SIDE Y>D & COMPLET+ ! CIRCLE UP FRONT4 ,I /AY$ HIDD54 ,I WAS AFRAID !Y W\LD 5T] ! H\SE1 ?9K+ IT TO BE EMPTY1 & CORN] ME !RE ALONE--BUT !Y ONLY SEEM$ 9T]E/$ 9 \R Y>D & \R HOME'S EXT]IOR4 

,IT WAS AFT] ?IS ?AT ALL ( US--MY P>TN]1 & H\SEMATES1 & ,I--DECID$ IT WAS ABSOLUTELY NECESS>Y TO MOVE4 ,!Y HAD ALREADY SUBPO5A$ ! PEOPLE !Y HAD ORIG9ALLY BE5 SE>*+ =4 ,:Y W]E !Y /ILL COM+ >\ND8 ,:AT DID !Y WANT ) \R H\SE8 ,WE W]5'T UND] ! ILLUSION ?AT A NEW H\SE W\LD PROVIDE MORE SAFETY1 BUT ! ANXIETY M\NT+ 9 ?AT SPACE WAS BEG9N+ TO FEEL OV]:ELM+ & WE NE$$ A *ANGE ( 5VIRONM5T4 ,WE F\ND A NEW HOME QUICKLY & EAG]LY MOV$ 94 ,WE HAD JU/ BEGUN TO SETTLE 9 :5 ! ,F,B,I VISIT$ US AGA94 

,ESME3 ,ONE DAY TWO M5 W]E LURK+ \TSIDE MY H\SE4 ,I PU%$ AWAY :AT ,I ?\<T WAS AN IRRATIONAL P>ANOIA4 ,I LET MYSELF BELIEVE !Y W]E ,MORMON MISSION>IES4 ,I WALK$ \TSIDE TO MY C> & !Y ADDRESS$ ME BY MY NAME4 ,I %UT ! C> DOOR & RAN 9TO MY BACKY>D4 ,I C\LDN'T ?9K FA/ 5\<4 ,I FUMBL$ ) ! LAT* ON ! GATE & !Y YELL$ AFT] ME ?AT !Y HAD POSITIVELY ID5TIFI$ ME1 SO ! SUBPO5A HAD BE5 (FICIALLY S]V$4 ,I TURN$ >\ND & GRABB$ IT \T ( !IR H&S4 ,!Y (F]$ TO TAKE ME 9TO ! GR& JURY RI<T !N4 ,I DIDN'T ANSW] !M1 BUT WALK$ 9TO MY H\SE & BUR/ 9TO TE>S4 ,I REMEMB] CRY+ & REPEAT+ ! WORDS 0,I DON'T WANT TO DO ?IS1 ,I DON'T WANT TO DO ?IS0 OV] & OV] AGA9 AS MY FRI5DS READ ! SUBPO5A4 ,I KNEW :AT IT MEANT BY ?AT PO9T1 AS SEV]AL ( MY FRI5DS W]E ALREADY 9 JAIL OV] ?IS %IT4 ,IT NEV] OCCURR$ TO ME TO DO ANY?+ O!R ?AN RESI/1 BUT ,I WAS T]RIFI$4 

,CORA3 ,:5 MY P>TN] WAS ISSU$ A SUBPO5A IT FELT LIKE A NI<TM>E4 ,IT WAS ! SAME GR& JURY ?AT HAD ALREADY SUBPO5A$ \R FRI5DS1 :O W]E N[ S]V+ JAIL TIME = RESI/+4 ,NONE ( US FELT WE HAD ! TOOLS TO NAVIGATE :AT WAS AHEAD ( US4 ,I TREAT$ IT LIKE A JOB1 BECAUSE !RE WAS SO MU* WE DIDN'T KN[4 

,ESME3 ,I CALL$ A PUBLIC DEF5D] & EXPLA9$ ! SITUATION4 ,I TOLD HIM ?AT ,I 9T5D$ TO NOT COOP]ATE4 ,HE SAID 9 A CONDESC5D+ TONE1 0,OH Y\ CAN'T JU/ ,N,O,T COOP]ATE ) A GR& JURY SUBPO5A40 ,I EXPLA9$ ?AT ,I KNEW EXACTLY ! CONSEQU5CES3 EI<TE5 MON?S MAX 9 JAIL = CIVIL CONTEMPT1 & ?AT ,I WAS PREP>$ TO DO IT4 ,I TOLD HIM ?AT IF HE WAS GO+ TO REPRES5T ME HE W\LD HAVE TO RESPECT ?AT4 ,AFT] ?AT HE NEV] QUE/ION$ MY RESOLVE ONCE4 ,ULTIMATELY1 ,I W\LD HAVE TO $UCATE HIM AB\T H[ GR& JURY RESI/ANCE WORKS4 

,CORA3 ,IT SURPRIS$ ME H[ LITTLE ! DEF5SE LAWY] UND]/OOD AB\T GR& JURIES4 ,MAYBE ?AT WAS JU/ ME GIV+ TOO MU* CR$IT TO LAWY]S1 CAUSE ,I WAS LIKE1 Y\ GO TO S*OOL = EI<T YE>S = ?IS1 Y\ %\LD KN[ :AT'S GO+ ON4 ,IT BOGGL$ MY M9D4 ,LUCKILY1 WE W]E ABLE TO TALK TO O!R1 RADICAL LAWY]S4 ,!RE WASN'T A LOT ( 9=MATION ONL9E1 & A LOT ( IT WAS CONTRADICTORY4 ,SO WE TALK$ TO LAWY]S :O HAD EXPLICIT EXP]I5CE 9 POLITICAL CASES4 ,IT'S NOT ?AT \R LAWY] WAS 9COMPET5T1 IT'S JU/ ?AT GR& JURIES >E SO \TSIDE ! SCOPE ( REGUL> C\RT CASES--TO ! PO9T ?AT ! LAWY]S CAN'T EV5 BE 9 ! ROOM4 

,ESME3 ,JU/ LIKE MY LAWY]1 MY P>5TS 9ITIALLY 5C\RAG$ ME TO 0CONSID] MY OPTIONS40 ,I TOLD !M FLATLY ?AT ,I KNEW ,I WAS GO+ TO GO TO JAIL OV] ?IS & ?AT IF !Y WANT$ TO VISIT ME :ILE ,I WAS 9 JAIL !Y W]E GO+ TO NE$ TO RESPECT MY DECISION4 ,9 ?IS ONE CONV]SATION1 \R RELATION%IPS *ANG$ FROM A P>5T_/*ILD DYNAMIC TO ONE ( ADULTS4 ,BE+ CLE> & UPFRONT ) BO? MY P>5TS & LAWY] AB\T H[ ?IS WAS GO+ TO GO IT MADE IT MU* EASI] = ALL ( !M TO SUPPORT ME 9 ! WAYS ,I NE$$4 ,?IS MEANT !Y NEV] PRESSUR$ ME TO COOP]ATE EV5 IF !Y DIDN'T UND]/& MY E?ICAL REASONS = NON-COOP]ATION4 

,CORA3 ,NO ONE KNEW H[ LONG PUNITIVE DET5TION = REFUS+ TO COOP]ATE ) A GR& JURY SUBPO5A W\LD ACTUALLY BE4 ,ONE ISN'T S5T5C$ TO A P>TICUL> L5G? ( TIME1 BUT ATTORNEYS TOLD US ?AT EI<TE5 MON?S WAS ! MAXIMUM4 ,WE W]E TOLD TO EXPECT ! MAXIMUM BECAUSE ( MY P>TN]'S PUBLIC REFUSAL TO COOP]ATE & ! OV]T POLITICAL NATURE ( ! 9VE/IGATION4 ,WE W5T FROM MEET+S AMONG FRI5DS1 TO MEET+S AMONG FAMILY1 TO MEET+S ) ATTORNEYS1 TO PHONE CALLS ) COMRADES TRY+ TO GA!R AS MU* 9=MATION AS POSSIBLE 9 ! %ORT TIME BE=E 9EVITABLE 9C>C]ATION4 ,WE /AY$ BUSY4 

,! WAIT WAS AGONIZ+4 ,NO MATT] :AT WE DID AMONG FRI5DS1 AMONG \R POLITICAL MILIEU OR 9 \R ROMANTIC RELATION%IP1 ,I NEV] FELT PREP>$ TO HAVE MY P>TN]'S PHYSICAL & EMOTIONAL PRES5CE /RIPP$ FROM MY LIFE4 ,I NEV] FELT PREP>$ TO WAT* !M EXP]I5CE DET5TION & ISOLATION4 ,WE TALK$ ) PEOPLE :O HAD EXP]I5C$ SIMIL> REPRESSION1 MADE PLANS = COMMUNICATION1 /R5G!N$ \R RELATION%IP :ILE SUPPORT+ ONE ANO!R ?R\< ! TRAUMA ( UNC]TA9TY & CON/ANT H>ASSM5T FROM ! ,/ATE4 ,WE MADE BIG BANN]S = DEMON/RATIONS &1 AFT]1 HUNG !M 9 \R H\SE AS 5C\RAGEM5T4 ,WE EV5 GOT M>RI$ 9 ORD] TO GRANT \RSELVES SOME LUXURIES & LEGAL RI<TS REG>D+ PRISON VISITS & ATTORNEY-CLI5T PRIVILEGES4 

,ESME3 ,WE'D HAD SOME TIME TO TALK \T SC5>IOS BE=E ?IS HAPP5$1 & WE DECID$ TO GET M>RI$--NOT \T ( LOVE1 BUT PRACTICAL NECESSITY4 ,WE KNEW ?AT WAS ! ONLY WAY ,CORA W\LD BE ABLE TO VISIT ME4 ,!Y W\LD CONT9UE TO BE AN UNWAV]+ SUPPORT P]SON TO ME ?R\< ! H>D MON?S TO FOLL[4 ,?ANKFULLY1 !Y W]E NOT ! ONLY P]SON TO RISE TO ! OCCASION4 ,MANY FRI5DS & LOV$ ONES %[$ UP TO HOLD ME UP & SUPPORT ME4 ,FRI5DS W\LD COME BY \R H\SE & DROP (F FOOD & TREATS & GIFTS ON ! REGUL>4 ,?IS ISN'T TO SAY EV]Y?+ WAS ROSY--! /RESS ( ! TIME DEF9ITELY REV]B]AT$ ?R\<\T \R FRI5D%IPS4 ,MANY /EPP$ UP TO M$IATE CONFLICTS--IT REALLY DID TAKE AN EXT5D$ COMMUNITY TO SUPPORT US4 

,CORA3 ,9 ?OSE DAYS LEAD+ UP TO ,ESME'S 9C>C]ATION1 WE W]E H>DLY EV] ALONE4 ,IT W\LD HAVE BE5 EASY TO BE ISOLAT$ AS A C\PLE1 TO FEEL TRAPP$ 9 ?IS 9T5SE EXP]I5CE ?AT WAS EFFECT+ ! TWO ( US MO/ 9T5SELY1 BUT LUCKILY ?AT DIDN'T HAPP54 ,I ?9K ?AT'S P>T ( :Y \R RELATION%IP HAS /AY$ AS /RONG AS IT IS ?R\< ALL ( ?IS--EV5 :5 FRI5DS C\LDN'T ALWAYS %[ UP 9 ! WAYS ,I WI%$ !Y W\LD1 WE W]E REALLY HELD BY A L>GE COMMUNITY4 

,?REATS & ,PRESSURE 

  

,ESME3 ,AFT] ! SUBPO5A1 ! PROSECUTOR HURL$ ALL K9DS ( ?REATS AT ME4 ,I WAS TOLD ,I W\LD BE *>G$ ) CRIM9AL AS WELL AS CIVIL CONTEMPT & O!R CRIMES IF ,I REFUS$ TO COOP]ATE4 ,! P>ANOIA ?AT HAD BE5 A DULL RO> 9 MY M9D 9CREAS$ TO FULL-BL[N PANIC4 ,I BLAM$ MYSELF = LACK ( VIGILANCE = LETT+ MYSELF GET SUBPO5A$4 ,I HAD BE5 ANXI\S BE=E1 BUT N[ ,I />T$ TO EXP]I5CE MORE 9T5SE PANIC4 ,IT WAS GETT+ MORE DIFFICULT TO DET]M9E :I* FE>S W]E WOR? PAY+ ATT5TION TO4 

,WE KNEW FROM AFFIDAVITS 9 ! CASE ?AT SOME ( US HAD BE5 FOLL[$1 SO IT W\LD MAKE S5SE TO BELIEVE ,I WAS BE+ FOLL[$4 ,SOMETIMES ,I W\LD SEE AN ,S,U,V ) GOV]NM5T PLATES P>K$ \TSIDE MY H\SE--BUT ?AT BLUE-EY$ MAN :O CAME TO MY DOOR ! FIR/ TIME HAD BE5 DRIV+ A BEAT UP OLD ,PONTIAC4 ,SO !RE WAS REALLY NO WAY ( KN[+ H[ DEEP ! SURVEILLANCE W5T4 

,SOMETIMES CLE>LY ABSURD FE>S W\LD 5T] MY BRA9 & ,I C\LDN'T PU% !M AWAY4 ,ONCE ,I WAS DRIV+ & HE>D A S]IES ( TICKS & BEEPS4 ,I BEGAN TO FE> A BOMB HAD BE5 PLANT$ UND] MY SEAT4 ,I SAT /OPP$ AT A R$ LI<T & CONSID]$ MY OPTIONS4 ,I WAS ALMO/ C]TA9 ?IS WASN'T REAL1 BUT ! ,F$S HAD BOMB$ ,JUDI ,B>I'S C> ?IS WAY 9 #a#i#i4 ,BUT SURELY ,I WAS NOT AS HI< A PRIORITY AS %E HAD BE54 ,WAIT+ = ! LI<T TO TURN1 ,I C\LDN'T REASON MY WAY \T ( ?IS4 ,I PULL$ OV] 9TO A ,BURG] ,K+ P>K+ LOT & GOT \T ( MY C>4 ,I WALK$ A SAFE DI/ANCE AWAY ,I WAIT$ A FEW M9UTES BE=E CAUTI\SLY APPROA*+ ! VEHICLE AGA94 ,I *ECK$ UND] ! SEAT1 !N UND] ! C> ITSELF3 NO?+4 ,I FELT ! SEAT = ANY?+ 9SIDE IT3 NO?+4 ,I GOT BACK 9TO MY C>1 TOOK A DEEP BREA?1 & GOT TO WORK JU/ A C\PLE M9UTES LATE4 

,EXP]I5CES LIKE ?IS HELP$ ME DEVELOP A FRAMEWORK = H[ TO H&LE !SE K9D ( FE>S4 ,I CREAT$ A SET ( F\R QUE/IONS1 & = EA* ONE ,I'D EI!R ASK A FRI5D'S ADVICE OR IMAG9E :AT ADVICE !Y MI<T GIVE4 ,! QUE/IONS W]E3 

#a4 

,H[ LIKELY IS IT ?AT :AT ,I FE> RI<T N[ IS REAL8 ,:AT EVID5CE DO ,I HAVE = IT8 ,HAS ?IS HAPP5$ TO O!RS8 

#a4 

,IF :AT ,I FE> IS REAL1 H[ S]I\S ( A ?REAT IS IT TO ME 9 ?IS SITUATION8 

#a4 

,CAN ?IS SITUATION BE ADDRESS$8 ,IS !RE ANY?+ ?AT ,I CAN DO TO MAKE MYSELF SAFE FROM ?IS8 

#a4 

,H[ CO/LY OR 9CONV5I5T IS ?IS PRECAUTION8 ,IS ?IS RESPONSE ILLEGAL8 ,C\LD ,I GET HURT OR GET 9 MORE TR\BLE8 

,US+ ?IS FRAMEWORK1 IT MADE S5SE TO GET \T ( ! C> TO *ECK = A BOMB4 ,?\< ! LIKELIHOOD ( ! ?REAT BE+ REAL WAS REMOTE1 ! PRECAUTION ,I TOOK WAS L[ CO/ & ONLY MADE ME SLI<TLY LATE TO WORK4 ,HAV+ ?IS /RUCTURE HELP$ ME FEEL LIKE ,I WAS DO+ ALL ,I C\LD TO KEEP MYSELF SAFE4 

,(T51 9 SC>Y REPRESSIVE SITUATIONS PEOPLE OSCILLATE BETWE5 FEEL+ /RONG FE> & !N PU%+ IT \T ( !IR M9D--)\T TAK+ BASIC PRECAUTIONS TO H&LE :AT !Y'RE AFRAID (4 ,DEAL+ ) REPRESSION IS AB\T RISK MANAGEM5T4 ,WE CAN'T BE COMPLETELY SAFE FROM ! /ATE OR FROM ! F> RI<T1 BUT !RE >E /EPS WE CAN TAKE TO MITIGATE SOME ( ! POT5TIAL H>M4 ,S9CE !N1 ,I'VE US$ ?IS FRAMEWORK ) H\SEHOLDS & O!R GR\PS TO ASSESS RISK FROM BO? F$S & NEO-,NAZIS4 

,CORA3 ,AS ,ESME'S C\RT DATE APPROA*$1 WE R5T$ A HOTEL ROOM ) FRI5DS & TALK$ ALL NI<T4 ,IT WAS MOM5TS LIKE ?IS ?AT KEPT US GO+1 & SOME?+ WOR? DO+ IF Y\'RE FAC+ ANY K9D ( REPRESSION1 BECAUSE EV]Y?+ WILL FEEL LIKE %IT4 ,9 H9DSI<T1 ,I REALIZE !RE >E A FEW ?+S ,I W\LD HAVE DONE DIFF]5TLY1 ESPECIALLY >\ND ASK+ = SUPPORT4 ,I MEAN WE GOT AMAZ+ SUPPORT1 ESPECIALLY ALL ! FUNDRAIS+ & ONE FRI5D :O GAVE US A FEW HUNDR$ DOLL>S TO COV] ,ESME'S R5T & C> 9SURANCE & /UFF4 ,AT ! TIME ,I DIDN'T WANT TO ASK = SUPPORT JU/ = ME BECAUSE IT FELT LIKE A F9ITE RES\RCE4 ,?9K+ AB\T ASK+ CLOSE FRI5DS = MORE ?AN JU/ BASIC FRI5D%IP FELT LIKE TAK+ SOME?+ AWAY FROM O!RS4 ,I DIDN'T REALLY REALIZE H[ ! EXP]I5CE WAS AFFECT+ ME4 ,I ALSO DON'T KN[ H[ RECEPTIVE ,I W\LD HAVE BE5 TO SOMEONE SAY+ 0?IS IS JU/ TIME = Y\40 ,ON A C]TA9 LEVEL1 ,I WASN'T ABLE TO DO ALL ! 9T5SE SUPPORT ,I WAS DO+ & ALSO *ECK 9 ) ALL MY EMOTIONAL NE$S4 ,ESME WAS ! SAME WAY1 & WE BR\<T ?AT \T 9 EA* O!R4 ,WE BO? /AY$ REALLY TASK-FOCUS$4 

,ESME3 ,?AT NI<T 9 ! HOTEL ,I C\LD FEEL MY FRE$OM SLIPP+ \T FROM UND] ME4 ,I HADN'T S]I\SLY CONSID]$ GO+ ON ! RUN1 BUT 9 ?AT HOTEL ROOM IT SUDD5LY SEEM$ SO APPEAL+4 ,H[ WAS ,I GO+ TO WALK 9TO ! H&S ( MY 5EMIES ! NEXT DAY1 :5 ,I C\LD JU/ AS EASILY BREA? ! FREE AIR = ANO!R DAY8 ,I ?\<T AB\T TRY+ TO LIVE UND]GR\ND 9 ! ,/ATES OR LEAVE ! C\NTRY & />T A NEW LIFE UND] A DIFF]5T ID5TITY--BUT BO? W\LD HAVE TO BE 9DEF9ITE IF NOT LIFELONG EXILE1 :I* SEEM$ H>D TO IMAG9E4 ,JAIL TIME AT LEA/ HAD A MAX ( EI<TE5 MON?S1 & IT SEEM$ LIKE MO/ PEOPLE USUALLY DID MORE LIKE SIX4 ,& ,I C\LD GET LETT]S FROM MY LOV$ ONES1 SOME?+ MU* H>D] TO PULL (F FROM UND]GR\ND4 ,SO1 GO+ ON ! RUN SEEM$ LIKE ! H>D] OPTION1 AL?\< IT P]HAPS REPRES5T$ AN EV5 L>G] MIDDLE F+] TO ! LAW4 ,I RECONCIL$ MYSELF TO MY *OICE4 

,I SP5T ! NI<T EMBRAC+ MY FRI5DS & WAT*+ ,MEAN ,GIRLS #a & #b 7SPOIL]3 ! SECOND ONE IS T]RIBLE1 DON'T BO!R74 ,I APPE>$ AT ! C\R?\SE ! NEXT DAY DELIRI\S FROM LACK ( SLEEP BUT READY TO FACE MY 9C>C]ATION4 

,DEVL93 ,I DIDN'T DECIDE TO BECOME A GR& JURY RESI/] ON ! DAY ! F$]AL AG5TS EM]G$1 SEEM+LY \T ( NO:]E1 =C+ !IR SUBPO5A 9TO MY UNWELCOM+ H&S4 ,DECISIONS LIKE ?IS >E R>ELY MADE 9 ! MOM5T4 ,= ME1 IT W\LD BE MORE REASONABLE TO SAY ,I />T$ TO MAKE ?IS DECISION FIVE YE>S BE=E ,I WAS SUBPO5A$1 :5 ,I FIR/ LE>N$ ( ,DR4 ,ABDELHALEEM ,A%Q>4 ,AT ! TIME1 HE HAD JU/ BE5 S5T5C$ TO ELEV5 YE>S & ?REE MON?S = RESI/+ GR& JURIES 9 ,NEW ,YORK & ,*ICAGO4 ,A FI<T] = ,PALE/9IAN LIB]ATION1 ,DR4 ,A%Q> WAS JAIL$ SEV]AL TIMES BETWE5 #aiih & #bg ON CIVIL CONTEMPT *>GES4 ,!SE W]E 9T5D$ TO CO]CE HIS TE/IMONY TO A P]5NIAL GR& JURY 9VE/IGAT+ ,PALE/9IAN NATIONALS ON RACKETE]+ *>GES4 ,AS EXHAU/+ AS ! PROTRACT$ /RUGGLE MU/ HAVE BE51 ,A%Q> WAS UNYIELD+ 9 HIS DEFIANCE1 REFUS+ TO IMPLICATE ANYONE1 SAY+ 9 C\RT ?AT HE REFUS$ 0TO LIVE AS A TRAITOR OR AS A COLLABORATOR40 

,9 #b#g1 ! CASE CAME TO A HEAD4 ,AS !Y ADMITT$ DEFEAT 9 TURN+ ,A%Q> 9TO A /ATE AG5T1 ! LAW PLAY$ !IR F9AL TRUMP C>D3 A PUNITIVE PRISON S5T5CE1 MEANT TO /RIKE FE> 9TO ALL ( US WAT*+ FROM ! SIDEL9ES4 ,= ME1 AS ,I'M SURE = MANY O!RS1 IT DIDN'T HAVE ?AT EFFECT4 

,I WAS 9 AWE ( ,A%Q>1 ( HIS CONTEMPT1 9 ! *OICES HE MADE TO REJECT HIS /ATUS AS 9NOC5T WITNESS & TAKE ON ! COMPLICITY ( SOLID>ITY4 ,RESI/ANCE FELT ALIVE & REAL TO ME 9 ?AT MOM5T4 ,I DECID$ !N ?AT IF EV] ,I WAS CALL$ UPON TO RESI/ A GR& JURY1 A ?\<T ?AT SEEM$ IMPOSSIBLY F> AWAY TO A Y\NG AN>*I/ :O HAD YET TO SEE ! 9SIDE ( A JAIL CELL1 ,I W\LD TRY TO BREA! AS MU* FIRE 9TO ! LEGACY ( GR& JURY RESI/ANCE AS ,I WAS CAPABLE (4 

,I WANT$ MY RESI/ANCE TO BE AS DEFIANT AS IT C\LD BE4 ,I DIDN'T WANT IT TO BE BAS$ ON ! FACT ?AT ,I WAS 09NOC5T10 BUT RA!R TO BE A CLE> & \TRI<T REFUSAL ( EV]Y?+ !Y WANT$ FROM ME4 ,I HOP$ ?AT ?IS COMPLETE DEFIANCE W\LD 9SPIRE O!RS AS ,DR4 ,A%Q> HAD 9SPIR$ ME4 

,I ALSO ?\<T AB\T IT FROM A SECURITY /&PO9T3 MY BRA9 WAS LIKE A H>D DRIVE ?AT /OR$ VALUABLE 9=MATION1 & ,I HAD NO WAY ( KN[+ :AT /RAY DETAIL ,I REMEMB]$ C\LD BE US$ TO 9CRIM9ATE COMRADES ( M9E4 ,SO MY P]SPECTIVE WAS ?AT ! BE/ WAY TO PREV5T ! /ATE FROM HAV+ ACCESS TO ?AT 9=MATION WAS NOT ONLY TO 5CRYPT ! 9=MATION 7/AY SIL5T7 BUT ALSO TO NEV] GIVE !M PHYSICAL ACCESS TO ! H>DW>E 79 ?IS CASE MY BODY74 ,?US1 ,I W5T ON ! RUN4 

,ESME3 ,ON ! MORN+ ( MY C\RT DATE1 MY P>5TS1 MY P>TN]1 MY LAWY] & ,I GOT C(FEE ACROSS ! /REET FROM ! C\R?\SE4 ,MY LAWY] NOTIC$ A /OCKY MAN ) A MILIT>Y HAIRCUT HOLD+ A NEWSPAP] 9 FRONT ( HIS FACE & />+ AT US4 ,MY LAWY] SAID WE %\LD TALK \TSIDE4 ,= MY P>5TS1 ?IS ONE FAIRLY M9OR ACT ( SURVEILLANCE SEEM$ TO %ATT] !IR *]I%$ VIEW ( A B5EVOL5T GOV]NM5T4 

,A NUMB] ( PEOPLE HAD %[N UP TO ! C\R?\SE TO SUPPORT ME1 9CLUD+ SOME OLD] FOLKS :O HAD DONE SUPPORT = GR& JURY RESI/]S 9 ! #gS4 ,I MET TWO :O HAD BE5 P>T ( AN URBAN GU]RILLA GR\P BACK !N & WI%$ ME !IR SUPPORT4 ,ONE ( !M TOLD ME AB\T AN OA? ?AT !Y US$ TO SAY TO EA* O!R BACK 9 ! DAY3  
  

,IF EV] ,I %\LD BREAK MY /RIDE1 OR FALT] AT MY COMRADE'S SIDE 

,?IS OA? %ALL KILL ME4 

,IF EV] MY WORD %\LD PROVE UNTRUE1 %\LD ,I BETRAY ! MANY OR ! FEW 

,?IS OA? %ALL KILL ME4 

,IF EV] ,I )HOLD MY H&1 OR %[ FE> BE=E ! HANGMAN 

,?IS OA? %ALL SURELY KILL ME4  
  

,IT WAS P[]FUL TO FEEL LIKE 9CLUD$ 9 A TRADITION ( RESI/ANCE1 EV5 IF SOME ( \R POLITICAL 9CL9ATIONS W]E DIFF]5T4 

,I WALK$ 9 TO ! C\R?\SE ) MY LAWY]4 ,WE W]E L$ TO ! ?IRD FLOOR :]E TWO M5 9TRODUC$ !MSELVES AS PROSECUTORS4 ,ONE ( !M WAS ! MAN ) ! CREEPY BLUE EYES & %>P FEATURES ,I HAD SE5 MON?S E>LI] ON MY DOOR/EP4 ,:5 MY LAWY] 9TRODUC$ HIMSELF1 ! BLUE-EY$ MAN ID5TIFI$ HIMSELF AS ! LEAD AG5T ON ! CASE4 

,I REMA9$ SIL5T :ILE MY LAWY] S*MOOZ$ ) ! PROSECUTORS1 & !N ,I 5T]$ ! GR& JURY ROOM ) !M4 ,MY LAWY]1 ( C\RSE1 HAD TO /AY BEH9D4 

,! ROOM RESEMBL$ A COMMUNITY COLLEGE CLASSROOM4 ,IT HAD AN OV]HEAD PROJECTOR & ! DOZ5 OR SO JURI/S SAT 9 *AIR_/DESK COMBOS >RAY$ 9 R[S FAC+ ME4 ,I WAS AT ! FRONT ( ! ROOM AS ?\< ,I WAS A GUE/ LECTUR]4 ,! PROSECUTOR ASK$ ME MY NAME & DATE ( BIR?4 ,I TOLD HIM4 ,!N HE ASK$ ME :]E ,I WORK$ & ,I FIGUR$ IT WAS AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY TO />T RESI/+4 ,I /AMM]$ \T A REFUSAL4 ,HE !N ASK$ ME A SLEW ( QUE/IONS3 PEOPLES NAMES1 :]E ,I WAS ON C]TA9 DATES1 :]E O!RS W]E ON SPECIFIC DATES4 ,) GR[+ CONFID5CE1 ,I REFUS$ TO ANSW] EA* QUE/ION4 ,AS ,I WASN'T ALL[$ TO HAVE MY LAWY] PRES5T OR RECORD ANY ( ! QUE/IONS1 ,I W\LD ASK = A BREAK AFT] EV]Y ?REE QUE/IONS & GO 9TO ! O!R ROOM & WRITE !M D[N SO ,I W\LDN'T =GET !M4 ,?IS WAY ,I C\LD %>E :AT !Y W]E ASK+ AB\T ) EV]YONE ELSE1 & MAKE ?IS SECRET PROCESS MORE TRANSP>5T4 ,LEAV+ ! ROOM FREQU5TLY WAS ALSO A WAY ( DEMON/RAT+ TO MY LAWY] & O!RS ?AT ,I WASN'T ANSW]+ !IR QUE/IONS1 SO !RE W\LD BE NO D\BT4 

,AFT] A DOZ5 OR SO QUE/IONS & REFUSALS1 ! PROSECUTOR SAID HE HAD HE>D 5\<4 ,AS ,I GOT UP TO LEAVE ! ROOM1 A JURI/ 9 ! FRONT R[ SMIL$ & RAIS$ HIS FI/ 9 SALUTE TO ME4 ,I /ILL WOND] TO ?IS DAY :AT ?AT GUY'S DEAL WAS4 ,MAYBE HE HAD SOME?+ TO DO ) ! \TCOME ( ?+S8 ,BUT ,I MAY NEV] KN[--?AT'S ! ?+ AB\T REPRESSION1 !RE >E SO MANY BIZ>RE UNKN[NS ?AT Y\ JU/ HAVE TO ACCEPT4 

,AFT] ?AT ,I WAS TAK5 9 FRONT ( A JUDGE1 GRANT$ IMMUNITY1 QUE/ION$ BY ! GR& JURY AGA9 & REFUS$ AGA94 ,BY ! TIME ALL ?IS WAS OV] ! WORKDAY WAS OV] & ,I WAS GIV5 ANO!R C\RT DATE A FEW WEEKS AWAY4 ,IT FELT A BIT ANTI-CLIMACTIC4 ,I HAD PREP>$ MYSELF TO GO TO JAIL4 ,I HAD PACK$ UP ALL MY /UFF1 F\ND SOMEONE TO R5T MY ROOM1 & N[ ,I HAD TO GO BACK TO MY H\SE :]E ,I NO LONG] REALLY HAD A ROOM & KILL TIME UNTIL ,I W5T TO JAIL4 

,AS ,I WAIT$1 ,I SE>*$ = WAYS TO PREP>E = :AT REALLY CAN'T BE PREP>$ =4 ,I TALK$ TO MORE =M] POLITICAL PRISON]S :O (F]$ 9CR$IBLE ADVICE & EMOTIONAL SUPPORT4 ,I MADE PLANS ) MY P>TN]1 P>5TS & FRI5DS AB\T MY SUPPORT4 

,AFT] ANO!R C\RT DATE ,I WAS GIV5 A SELF-REPORT DATE & AT #i AM ON A GRAY MORN+1 AFT] ALL ?AT WAIT+1 ,I GA!R$ ) A SMALL GR\P ( COMRADES & MY P>5TS TO SAY GOODBYE4 ,AS ! TIME APPROA*$ = ME TO GO 9 ,I />T$ TO HUG PEOPLE GOODBYE ,I />T$ CRY+ & AN OLD] COMRADE GRABB$ ME BY MY %\LD]S & LOOK$ 9TO MY TE>-FILL$ EYES & SAID 0,HEY1 Y\'VE GOT ?IS6 ,S]I\SLY1 DON'T D\BT IT = A SECOND1 Y\'VE GOT ?IS60 

,?AT PHRASE W\LD COME BACK TO ME (T5 9 ! FOLL[+ MON?S4 

,JAIL ,TIME 

  

,CORA3 ,I WASN'T PREP>$ = :AT IT W\LD FEEL LIKE TO HAVE MY P>TN] BE SO PHYSICALLY ABS5T FROM MY LIFE4 ,:ILE ,ESME WAS 9 JAIL1 ,I FOCUS$ ALL MY EMOTIONAL 5]GY ON SUPPORT+ !M4 ,?IS 9VOLV$ WRIT+ LONG LETT]S EV]Y DAY1 MICRO MANAG+ !IR SUPPORT1 TALK+ ) FRI5DS AB\T \R VISITS1 METICUL\SLY PLANN+ MY TRIPS TO VISITATION & REALLY TRY+ NOT TO PLAN = LIFE AFT] !Y GOT \T4 ,I TRI$ NOT TO ?9K AB\T ! FUTURE4 ,!Y C\LD BE 9 = OV] A YE>1 & AT ! 5D ( ?AT C\LD 5D UP 9DICT$ AS P>T ( ! ONGO+ 9VE/IGATION4 ,!RE WAS ALSO ! FE> ?AT ,I W\LD BE 9DICT$ AS A RESULT ( ! GR& JURY'S F9D+S4 ,! FUTURE WAS SO UNCLE> ?AT ! PRES5T WAS ALL ,I C\LD GRASP4 

,I BURI$ MYSELF 9 WORK EV]Y O!R DAY ( ! WEEK4 ,%ORTLY AFT] MY P>TN]'S SUBPO5A1 ,I TOOK ON A SECOND FULL-TIME JOB4 ,I US$ MY #f- TO #g-H\R WORK WEEK AS A WAY TO EXHAU/ MYSELF & DISSOCIATE FROM ! TRAUMA ,I WAS 9CURR+4 ,IT GAVE ME PURPOSE :ILE ,I FELT AIMLESS & HE>TBROK54 ,I )DREW FROM MANY FRI5D%IPS & /AY$ FIRMLY 9 HI<-FUNCTIONAL CRISIS MODE4 ,IF Y\ HAD ASK$ ME AT ! TIME :AT K9D ( SUPPORT ,I NE$$1 ,I W\LDN'T HAVE BE5 ABLE TO SAY4 ,I FELT LIKE ANY C>E SOMEONE GAVE ME WAS TAK5 AWAY FROM ,ESME4 ,9 RETROSPECT1 ,I'D DO A FEW ?+S DIFF]5TLY4 ,BUT ,I DO ?9K IT WAS IMPORTANT = BO? ( US TO FOCUS ON PRACTICAL DETAILS & ?+S WE C\LD CONTROL4 ,IT WASN'T UNTIL MU* LAT] ?AT WE BO? REALIZ$ H[ NOT OKAY WE HAD BE54 

,ESME3 ,:5 ,I WALK$ ?R\< ! FRONT DOOR ( ?AT JAIL1 ,I WAS %UTTL$ BETWE5 V>I\S BOOK+ ROOMS = H\RS4 ,>\ND #aa AM1 ,I WAS GIV5 A HAM S&WI* & SOME PUDD+ 9 A BR[N BAG4 ,I DECID$ ?AT IF ! /ATE WANT$ TO LOCK ME 9 A CAGE & ATTEMPT TO RU9 MY LIFE1 ,I W\LD RESI/ BY MAK+ MY TIME 9 JAIL ! BE/ ?+ ?AT HAD EV] HAPP5$ TO ME4 ,I LOOK$ AT ?AT HAM S&WI* ON :ITE BREAD & DECID$ ?AT ,I WAS GO+ TO EAT AS HEAL?ILY AS ,I C\LD = ?IS MEAL & ALL ! ONES TO FOLL[4 ,SO ,I LEFT ! :ITE BREAD & PUDD+ 9 ! BAG4 ,IT S\NDS WEIRD BUT ?IS HELP$ ME FEEL LIKE ,I WAS REGA9+ SOME AM\NT ( AG5CY4 

,!Y TOOK ME 9 FRONT ( A GU>D SITT+ AT A DESK :O CALL$ HIMSELF A C\NSELOR4 ,HE ASK$ ME A SLEW ( QUE/IONS TO FIGURE \T IF ,I WAS ELIGIBLE = PLACEM5T 9 ,G5]AL ,POPULATION4 ,I TRI$ TO ANSW] EV]Y QUE/ION SO ?AT ,I W\LD QUALIFY4 ,I REMEMB] HIM SMIRK+ & ROLL+ HIS EYES :5 ,I TOLD HIM ,I WAS /RAI<T4 ,BUT AT ! 5D HE SAID ,I LOOK$ LIKE ,I WAS ELIGIBLE = ,G,P4 ,HE S5T ME BACK TO A HOLD+ CELL1 !N CAME BACK A :ILE LAT] & 9EXPLICABLY TOOK ME 9TO ! SOLIT>Y CONF9EM5T UNIT & PUT ME ON CELL ALONE /ATUS4 ,! GU>DS TOLD ME1 0,S9CE Y\ HAV5'T COMMITT$ A CRIME1 & Y\'RE BE+ HELD H]E CO]CIVELY NOT PUNITIVELY1 WE CAN'T H\SE Y\ 9 ,G,P ) CRIM9ALS40 ,I RESPOND$ ?AT MY CO-DEF5DANTS W]E 9 ,G,P1 BUT !Y DIDN'T (F] ANY O!R EXPLANATION4 ,I F\ND \T LAT] ?AT AT ?AT SAME TIME MY CO-DEF5DANTS W]E BE+ TRANSF]R$ TO O!R SOLIT>Y CONF9EM5T UNITS AS WELL4 ,IT'S CLE> TO ME ?AT ! PROSECUTOR WAS TRY+ TO APPLY EXTRA PRESSURE TO US TO GET US TO BREAK4 

,I WOKE UP ! NEXT MORN+ AT #f AM TO A TRAY ( W>M FOOD BE+ SLID ?R\< ! TRAPDOOR 9SIDE MY DOOR4 ,I AGA9 PICK$ ?R\< = ! LESS PROCESS$ SEEM+ P>TS & ATE !M1 EV5 ?\< ,I WASN'T HUNGRY & WANT$ TO KEEP SLEEP+4 ,I FIGUR$ ,I W\LD TAKE :AT ,I C\LD GET4 

,AFT] BREAKFA/1 !Y ASK$ ME IF ,I WANT$ TO GO TO ! REC Y>D4 ,I HAD ASSUM$ ,I W\LD BE 9 ?IS ONE CELL ALL DAY & JUMP$ AT ! OPPORTUNITY TO GET \T4 ,!Y PUT ME 9 :AT PASS$ = A REC Y>D 9 SOLIT>Y1 :I* TURN$ \T TO BE A TRIANGUL> CELL ) *A9 L9K F5CE ON ALL SIDES & A V5T ?R\< :I* COLD AIR BLEW BUT Y\ C\LD SEE ! SKY IF Y\ /OOD 9 ! RI<T PLACE4 ,IT WAS B>ELY L>G] ?AN MY CELL & IT WAS SO COLD ,I C\LDN'T REALLY DO ANY?+ O!R ?AN %IV]4 ,AFT] ?AT1 ,I /AY$ 9 MY CELL DUR+ REC TIME4 

,I />T$ J\RNAL+3 PLANN+ \T WORK\TS & O!R SELF-IMPROVEM5T ACTIVITIES4 ,9 ! EV5+ A C>T CAME BY MY CELL & ,I WAS TOLD ,I C\LD PICK TWO BOOKS FROM IT4 ,I PICK$ \T ! LONGE/ ONE ,I C\LD SEE4 ,!N SCANN$ ! TITLES = ANY?+ FAMILI>1 TO MY SURPRISE ,I F\ND AN ,OCTAVIA ,BUTL] BOOK ,I HAD BE5 MEAN+ TO READ4 ,! FAMILI> AU?OR BR\<T W>M? & JOY TO ME :5 ,I WAS CONFUS$ & ALONE4 ,H] WRIT+1 BLEAK BUT YET SO HONE/ & NUANC$1 FELT LIKE JU/ ! EMOTIONAL TONE ,I NE$$ SET GO+ 9TO ! NEXT FEW MON?S ( MY LIFE4 

,I ASK$ AB\T PHONE CALLS & WAS TOLD ?AT ,I C\LD MAKE ONE #a#e-M9UTE PHONE CALL EA* MON?4 ,IT SEEM$ UNBELIEVABLE1 BUT IT WAS TRUE4 ,I W\LD HAVE TO BE SU/A9$ BY LETT]S4 ,ON ! ?IRD DAY1 :5 ,I />T$ RECEIV+ !M1 EV]Y?+ GOT SO MU* BETT]4 ,! GU>DS SEEM$ RES5TFUL ( HAV+ TO READ ALL MY MAIL BUT !IR RES5TM5T JU/ MADE ME FEEL BETT] & BETT]4 ,! FIR/ BOOK ,I RECEIV$ WAS ,VIDA BY ,M>GE ,PI]CY1 :I* FOLL[S A WOMAN 9 A FICTIONALIZ$ ,WEA!R ,UND]GR\ND TYPE GR\P AS %E TRIES TO SURVIVE LIV+ ON ! RUN4 ,I KNEW SOME ( MY COMRADES :O HAD ALSO FAC$ REPRESSION HAD GONE ON ! RUN1 BUT ,I HAD TRI$ TO AVOID ANY CONTACT ) !M OR KN[L$GE ( :AT !Y W]E GO+ ?R\< SO AS NOT TO LEAD ! AU?ORITIES TO !M4 ,VIDA MADE ME FEEL CONNECT$ TO :AT !Y MI<T BE GO+ ?R\<4 ,! /ORY DOESN'T GLORIFY LIFE ON ! RUN--IT LEFT ME FEEL+ LIKE ,I WAS ! LUCKY ONE TO BE SAFE 9 A CELL RA!R ?AN PREC>I\SLY WAIT+ = ! COPS TO COME BU/+ MY DOOR D[N LIKE MY COMRADES SURELY W]E4 

,LIFE ON ! ,RUN 

  

,DEVL93 ,AT ! BEG9N+ ( MY TIME ON ! RUN1 MY COMRADES & ,I HAD TO LEAVE ! >EA QUICKLY & FIGURE \T A MORE CONCRETE PLAN ALONG ! WAY4 ,MU* ( ! WORK H+$ ON HAV+ A NETWORK ( SOLID>ITY & COMPUT] SKILLS4 ,IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE A BIT ( WORK TO PROTECT Y\RSELF DIGITALLY4 ,I WON'T GO 9TO SPECIFICS1 BUT ! SKILLS WE NE$$ W]E NOT ?OSE WE C\LD HAVE LE>N$ ON A :IM4 ,WE W]E ABLE TO DO IT BECAUSE WE HAD YE>S ( EXP]I5CE TO DRAW FROM4 

,AT ONE PO9T1 A SECURITY BREA* MEANT ?AT WE HAD TO RELOCATE = FE> ( BE+ TRACK$4 ,WE RELI$ ON ! QUICK ?9K+ & V]Y G5]\S SOLID>ITY ( COMRADES FROM ALL OV] :O HELP$ TREM5D\SLY ) \R TRANSITION4 ,?IS TYPE ( AN>*I/ SOLID>ITY WAS 9VALUABLE & )\T IT WE W\LD NEV] HAVE BE5 ABLE TO DO :AT WE DID4 

,GETT+ NE$S MET LIKE HEAL? C>E & MONEY W]E MAJOR OB/ACLES4 ,OV] TIME1 LIV+ 9 A SITUATION NOT ( \R [N *OOS+ WAS PHYSICALLY & EMOTIONALLY DETRIM5TAL4 ,WE HAD ORGANIZ$ \R LIVES >\ND FI<T+ ! /ATE4 ,SUDD5LY1 :5 WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY FI<T TO DO OR DECISIONS TO MAKE1 \R CAM>AD]IE ]OD$4 ,BONDS BETWE5 CLOSE COMRADES />T$ TO BREAK D[N & ,I FELT TRAPP$ & )\T AN \TLET OR %>$ FI<T TO *ANNEL MY 5]GY 9TO4 

,?OSE /RESSES CAUS$ HEAL? PROBLEMS :I* BECAME H>D] & H>D] TO ADDRESS BECAUSE ,I WAS ON ! RUN4 ,!SE COMP\ND+ EFFECTS BECAME MAJOR OB/ACLES4 

,AT HOME1 ,I HAD LIV$ ?R\< HI<S & L[S ( /RUGGLE & REPRESSION BUT !Y W]E %>$ HI<S & L[S4 ,ALL ( A SUDD51 NO ONE >\ND ME UND]/OOD ! CON/ANT CRISIS ,I WAS GO+ ?R\< OR EV5 :Y ,I HAD MOV$ TO ?AT PLACE AT ALL4 ,PEOPLE DIDN'T EV5 KN[ MY REAL NAME1 YET ,I WAS TRY+ TO BUILD AU!NTIC BONDS ( CAM>AD]IE ) !M4 

,I REMEMB] ONCE A COP %[$ UP AT MY H\SE & !Y WAIT$ AT MY DOOR & W\LDN'T LEAVE4 ,MY M9D RAC$4 ,I REMEMB]$ ?AT ,I HAD MAPP$ \T A WAY TO ESCAPE BY JUMP+ BETWE5 RO(TOPS1 BUT ,I HADN'T TE/$ IT & DIDN'T KN[ IF IT W\LD WORK4 ,I HAD ?IS 9T]NAL FREAK\T BUT ,I QUIET$ MY FE>S BECAUSE ,I W\LD HAVE TO DEAL ) ! IMPLICATIONS LAT]4 ,RI<T N[1 ,I JU/ NE$$ TO GET \T4 ,MY BODY BECAME WEIRDLY CALM AS ,I W5T ?R\< ! H\SE BURN+ EV]Y?+ ?AT C\LD BE US$ TO ID5TIFY ME4 ,I ALSO ATE A PACKAGE ( COOKIES CAUSE ,I DIDN'T KN[ ! NEXT TIME ,I W\LD BE ABLE TO EAT4 ,I S5T WORD TO LET FRI5DS KN[ :AT WAS GO+ ON1 GOT A BACKPACK TOGE!R = MY RO(TOP J\RNEY1 & LOOK$ \T ! W9D[ ONE LA/ TIME--& ! COP WAS GONE4 

,FRI5DS LAT] F\ND \T ?R\< SOCIAL 5G9E]+ ?AT ! COPS W]E 9VOLV$ 9 SOME?+ 5TIRELY UNRELAT$1 & WE W]E ABLE TO RETURN TO ?AT SPOT4 ,EV5 SO1 IT WAS 9CID5TS LIKE ?AT ?AT %OOK MY N]VES SO MU*4 ,! SIMPLE ACT ( 9T]ACT+ ) A COP--SOME?+ MANY PEOPLE W\LD CONSID] R\T9E--W\LD HAVE COMPLETELY *ANG$ MY LIFE AT ?AT TIME4 ,I LIV$ 9 CON/ANT FE> ( HAV+ TO 9T]ACT ) LAW 5=CEM5T4 

,I SEE H[ ,I NE$$ EV]Y MOM5T ( ?AT BUILD UP1 ALL ( ! RE9=CEM5T ( SELF ?AT ,I PUT 9TO ! PREVI\S T5 YE>S TO GET ME ?R\< ! EXP]I5CE 9TACT4 ,:5 ! FOCUS ( ! RADICAL LEFT HAD MOV$ ON TO ! NEXT CRISIS1 :5 ,I HADN'T SE5 MY DE>E/ FRI5DS 9 YE>S1 :5 ,I WAS PUK+ BLOOD FROM A MY/]I\S ILLNESS ) NO WAY TO SEE A DOCTOR1 :5 ,I DIDN'T EV5 HAVE MY [N NAME TO GIVE COH]5CE TO MY WORDS1 :AT ,I DID HAVE TO HOLD ONTO WAS ! PROMISE ,I HAD MADE TO MYSELF--& IMPLICITLY TO ALL O!RS 5GAG$ 9 /RUGGLE--?AT ,I W\LD PUT EV]Y?+ ,I HAD 9TO ! FI<T4 ,PROLONG$ PSY*OLOGICAL DISSONANCE CAN REALLY DISORI5T1 SUBJECT+ :AT SEEMS LIKE \R /RONGE/ F\NDATIONS TO DET]IORATION4 ,AN>*Y BECAME ! ONE PLACE TO :I* ,I C\LD REC$E ?AT REMA9$ 9TACT2 RESI/ANCE /RUGGLES ! ?READ ?AT CONNECT$ MY PA/ TO A POSSIBLE FUTURE4 

,MA9TA9+ ,M5TAL ,HEAL? 

  

,ESME3 ,AS ! DAYS BECAME WEEKS1 ,I GOT SOME BASIC /UFF ON COMMISS>Y & HAD A R\T9E PLANN$ 9 HALF-H\R 9CREM5TS SO ,I W\LD ALWAYS BE BUSY4 ,I WAS TEA*+ MYSELF TO EAT & WRITE ) MY LEFT H&1 PRACTIC+ ,SPANI% 9 ! EV5+1 READ+ ,F\CAULT 9 ! MORN+1 WRIT+ ?REE LONG LETT]S AFT] D9N]1 & />T+ TO M$ITATE4 

,MY CELL LOOK$ WE/ \T OV] A P>K1 BUT ! T9Y W9D[ WAS OPAQUE & FOGGY4 ,!RE WAS ONE CORN]1 ?\<1 :]E ! CLE> EPOXY ?AT SEAL$ ! W9D[ HADN'T BE5 FOGG$ OV]4 ,?R\< ?AT T9Y GAP ,I C\LD MAKE \T TWO TREES 9 ! DI/ANCE ON A HILL1 SILH\ETT$ AGA9/ ! SKY4 ,I W\LD WAT* !M = H\RS AS ! LI<T *ANG$4 ,I /ILL FEEL A HAPPY S5SE ( NO/ALGIA :5 ,I ?9K ( H[ BEAUTIFUL ?OSE TWO TREES W]E4 ,S9CE MY RELEASE ,I'VE GONE BACK & TRI$ TO F9D !M1 BUT NONE ( ! TREES REALLY SEEM RI<T4 ,MAYBE !Y HAVE BE5 CUT D[N1 OR MAYBE ,I IMAG9$ !M4 

,EV]Y N[ & !N ! GU>DS W\LD TRANSF] ME TO ANO!R CELL4 ,NONE ( ! O!RS HAD A VIEW LIKE ! FIR/ ONE4 ,ONE CELL WAS SO COLD MY BONES A*$ FROM ! PA9 ( IT1 & ,I C\LDN'T SLEEP4 ,I ASK$ = A SECOND BLANKET BUT !Y NEV] GAVE ME ONE4 ,?IS WAS ! H>DE/ TIME3 ,I FELT SO ALONE & SAD1 & NOT BE+ ABLE TO SLEEP MU* MADE EV]Y?+ H>D]4 ,IF ,I SLEPT DUR+ ! DAY :5 IT WAS W>M]1 ,I'D BE UP AWAKE AT NI<T ) NO LI<T1 UNABLE TO READ OR DI/RACT MYSELF FROM MY ?\<TS1 :I* W]E (T5 D>K4 ,:5 ! D>K ?\<TS CAME1 ,I W\LD DO T5 BURPEES & !N SIT = A M9UTE & SCAN H[ ,I FELT1 & DO IT AGA91 AS NECESS>Y4 ,AS BAD AS ?AT WAS1 ,I C\LD HE> O!R 9MATES HAV+ H>D] TIMES--ONCE ,I HE>D ONE P\ND+ ! WALLS & SCREAM+ AB\T BE+ SUICIDAL4 ,A UNIT ( COPS 9 RIOT GE> BEAT !M UNTIL !Y W]E QUIET4 ,9CID5TS LIKE ?IS W]E IMPOSSIBLE TO IGNORE1 BECAUSE !Y /OOD \T SO />KLY FROM ! MONOTONY ( MY DAYS1 BUT EA* TIME !Y HAPP5$ ,I WAS PLUNG$ 9TO MU* D>K] ?\<TS4 

,AFT] ! COLD CELL ,I WAS TRANSF]R$ TO ONE ) A W9D[ ?AT FAC$ A WALL1 & NO MIRROR4 ,?IS DETAIL MAY SEEM 9SIGNIFICANT1 BUT MY ABILITY TO SEE MY REFLECTION HAD PREVI\SLY ALL[$ ME A S5SE ( ID5TITY ?AT WAS SUDD5LY LO/4 ,)\T AN IMAGE ( MYSELF OR A COMPANION1 MY M9D BECAME A /RANG] & /RANG] PLACE4 ,I LOOK$ 9W>DS & SAW NO?+4 ,SO 9/EAD ,I TURN$ TO MY LETT]S4 ,IT WAS !SE CORRESPOND5CES ?AT GAVE ME A S5SE ( SELF4 ,I WAS NOT AN ISL& BUT AN AMALGAM ( MY RELATION%IPS1 CONV]SATIONS1 & COLLECTIVE PASSIONS4 ,:E!R ,I WAS WORK+ \T1 M$ITAT+1 EAT+1 READ+1 OR WRIT+ LETT]S1 ,I WAS DO+ IT TO /R5G!N MY 9T]ACTIONS ) ! \TSIDE WORLD4 ,I LIV$ (F ( ! LETT]S1 Z9ES & BOOKS ,I RECEIV$4 

,RI<T :5 ,I'D LE>N$ H[ TO H&LE ! COLD ISOLATION & ID5TITY CRISIS ( SOLIT>Y CONF9EM5T1 :5 ,I FELT READY TO 5DURE ?IS = ! NEXT SIXTE5 MON?S1 ,I WAS TRANSF]R$ TO ,G5]AL ,POPULATION4 

,IT WAS NO?+ LIKE :AT Y\ SEE ON TELEVISION4 

,PEOPLE W]E 9ITIALLY SUSPICI\S ( ME1 AS ,I DIDN'T HAVE ! NORMAL PAP]WORK ?AT O!R 9MATES HAD4 ,MY /ORY DIDN'T QUITE MAKE S5SE TO SOME4 ,MO/ PEOPLE HAD NEV] HE>D ( CIVIL CONTEMPT4 ,ONCE ,I WAS ABLE TO %[ !M A NEWSPAP] CLIPP+ AB\T MY CASE PEOPLE />T$ TO TRU/ ME4 ,!N ,I MET AN OLD] BANK ROBB]1 ,JOHN :O SAID HE HAD BE5 9 PRISON 9 ! '#gS1 ! SAME PRISON1 9 FACT1 AS ! EX-URBAN GU]RILLA FOLKS :O HAD COME TO MY C\RT DATE & %>$ !IR OA? ) ME4 ,I ASK$ ,JOHN IF HE KNEW ?OSE PEOPLE & HE DID A D\BLE TAKE4 ,HE SAID1 0,HOLY %IT1 Y\'RE 9TO ?AT /UFF80 ,I SAID 0,NO1 NO1 NO1 !Y >E JU/ FRI5DS ( M9E--BUT WE BELIEVE 9 A SIMIL> CAUSE40 

,AFT] ?AT ,JOHN1 D$ICAT$ HIMSELF TO LOOK+ \T = ME4 ,HE SAID ?AT HE MISS$ ! OLD DAYS ( PR9CIPL$ CONVICTS :O DIDN'T BETRAY EA* O!R & HE SAW ME AS /AY+ TRUE TO ?AT LEGACY1 ,I WAS FLATT]$4 

,I MADE O!R FRI5DS 9 G5]AL POPULATION1 KEPT UP ) MY WORK\TS1 />T$ TO FALL BEH9D ON MY CORRESPOND5CE1 PLAY$ C>DS1 TRI$ TO EXPLA9 AN>*ISM TO PEOPLE & G5]ALLY HAD AN ,O,K TIME4 ,ONE ?+ ?AT ,I F\ND DIFFICULT TO NAVIGATE E?ICALLY WAS RACIAL POLITICS4 ,I AM :ITE & ?US ,I HAD TO SIT ) :ITE PEOPLE AT LUN*1 WAT* ! :ITE ,T,V1 ETC4 ,I TRI$ MY BE/ TO BUCK !SE RULES & BUILD FRI5D%IPS ) PEOPLE ( COLOR1 S9CE ,I'M IDEOLOGICALLY OPPOS$ TO :ITE SEP>ATISM--MOREOV]1 SOME ( ! O!R :ITE 9MATES W]E AFFILIAT$ ) :ITE SUPREMACI/ GANGS4 ,ONE WAY ,I MANAG$ TO DO ?IS1 ODDLY 5\<1 WAS BY HANG+ \T ) EVANGELICAL ,*RI/IANS4 ,! ,*RI/IANS W]E ORGANIZ$ ON A MULTIRACIAL BASIS4 ,?\< ,I DIDN'T GO TO !IR ,BIBLE /UDY ,I W\LD WORK \T ) !M1 & PLAY C>DS & *ESS ) !M4 

,9 SOME WAYS TIME W5T BY FA/ AS ,I />T$ TO BUILD REAL FRI5D%IPS ) O!R 9MATES BAS$ ON EMOTIONAL SUPPORT & VULN]ABILITY4 ,I WAS ALSO ABLE N[ TO HAVE H\R-LONG CONTACT VISITS ) MY P>TN] & MY FAMILY4 

,CORA3 ,! WAIT+ ROOM1 ! SAME ROOM :]E ,I LA/ SAW MY P>TN] BE=E !Y W]E TAK5 9TO CU/ODY1 WAS GRAY4 ,! WALLS W]E L>GE1 PA9T$ BRICK 9T]RUPT$ BY ! OCCASIONAL BULLET$ LI/ ( RULES & EXPECTATIONS4 ,I ALWAYS >RIV$ RI<T :5 VISITATION H\RS BEGAN4 ,WE WAIT$ !RE UNTIL ! GU>DS CALL$ VISITORS UP 9 GR\PS TO GO ?R\< SECURITY4 

,I & H&FUL ( O!RS1 (T5 FAMILIES ) *ILDR51 W]E L$ ?R\< A LONG S]IES ( HEAVY DOORS TO ! VISITOR >EA4 ,AS WE 5T]$ ! ROOM1 ,I WAT*$ AS PEOPLE RECOGNIZ$ ONE ANO!R1 BRIEFLY HUGG$ & SAT TO TALK ) !IR 9C>C]AT$ LOV$ ONES4 ,I DIDN'T SEE MY P>TN]1 BUT ?\<T MAYBE !Y W\LD BE ONE ( ! FEW 9MATES TRICKL+ 94 ,OV] ! FOLL[+ FEW M9UTES1 MY M9D W5T DIRECTLY TO ! WOR/-CASE SC5>IOS4 ,I KNEW !Y W]E 9 SOLIT>Y CONF9EM5T4 ,W]E !Y HURT8 ,W]E !IR VISITATION PRIVILEGES RESC9D$8 ,DID ,I MISUND]/& ! VISITATION GUIDEL9ES8 

,A GU>D CAME FROM BEH9D & ASK$ ME TO FOLL[ HIM4 ,I WAS L$ 9TO A SMALL ROOM (F ! MA9 VISITATION ROOM4 ,?IS ROOM HAD TWO SMALL TELEVISION SCRE5S ) TELEPHONES ATTA*$4 ,! VISITATION W\LDN'T BE 9-P]SON BUT OV] ! SCRE54 ,MY HE>T SANK AS ,I WAIT$ = A FAMILI> FACE TO APPE> ON ! SCRE54 ,!IR BODY WAS SMALL ON ! SCRE51 ! CAM]A WAS AN AWKW>D DI/ANCE FROM :]E !Y SAT4 ,?IS MADE \R COMMUNICATION FEEL LESS P]SONAL4 ,I REMEMB] MOV+ CLOS] & CLOS] TO ! SCRE5 9/9CTIVELY1 TRY+ TO HE> !IR WORDS MORE CLE>LY & SEE !IR FACE MORE CLE>LY4 ,! VISIT WAS BRIEF4 ,IT WAS H>D TO KN[ :AT TO TALK AB\T ) ONE ANO!R4 ,I CAN'T QUITE REMEMB] H[ LONG VISITATIONS W]E1 BUT ,I DO REMEMB] ?AT VIDEO VISITATION WAS %ORT] ?AN 9-P]SON ONES4 ,\R TIME TOGE!R WAS VIA VIDEO = ! MAJORITY ( !IR 9C>C]ATION4 ,TWO VISITS 9 A R[1 ! VIDEO WASN'T WORK+1 SO WE C\LD ONLY COMMUNICATE OV] ! AUDIO4 

,RELEASE 

  

,ESME3 ,AT A C]TA9 PO9T1 MY CO-DEF5DANTS HAD ALL BE5 RELEAS$ AFT] REFUS+ TO COOP]ATE4 ,I WAS ! LA/ ( US LEFT 9SIDE4 ,AFT] A FEW MORE MON?S ! JUDGE F9ALLY DET]M9$ :AT MY COMRADES & ,I HAD KN[N3 ?AT MY 9C>C]ATION HAD BECOME PUNITIVE S9CE !RE WAS NO WAY ,I WAS GO+ TO COOP]ATE4 ,MU* E>LI] ?AN ,I'D EXPECT$1 ,I WAS RELEAS$ BACK 9TO ! WORLD4 

,CORA3 ,I HAD ALMO/ NO W>N+ ?AT ,ESME W\LD BE RELEAS$4 ,IT WAS SO SURREAL4 ,IT MI<T HAVE BE5 ! DAY BE=E1 OR ! DAY (--,I 5D$ UP GETT+ A CALL = \R FRI5D LETT+ ME KN[4 ,I WAS PREP>+ = EI<TE5 MON?S2 WE'D GOTT5 M>RI$1 ,I HAD MY S*$ULE D[N = VISITATION4 ,WE HAD A SY/EM1 & WE'D BE5 GETT+ GOOD AT IT1 & !N IT WAS SUDD5LY OV]4 ,I HADN'T PLANN$ = :AT W\LD HAPP5 AFT]4 ,I FELT LIKE IF ,I />T$ TO ?9K AHEAD1 ,I'D GET CAU<T UP 9 LONG+ = ?AT4 ,SO :5 !Y W]E RELEAS$1 ,I DIDN'T EV5 KN[ :AT TO DO4 ,IT WAS H>D TO EV5 FEEL RELIEF1 S9CE ! GR& JURY WAS /ILL CONV5$ & ! POSSIBILITY ( FUTURE SUBPO5AS & 9DICTM5TS /ILL HUNG OV] US4 ,IT SEEM$ IMPOSSIBLE ?AT ?REE OR F\R PEOPLE W\LD BE 9C>C]AT$ OV] ?IS = MON?S & NO 9DICTM5TS W\LD FOLL[4 ,ESME WAS HOME = N[1 BUT W\LD IT EV5 LA/8 ,OR W\LD ,I BE ! NEXT ONE TAK5 98 ,A LOT ( US HAD EXP]I5C$ BE+ DETA9$ OR MASS >RE/$1 ?+S ?AT W]E A DIRECT RESULT ( C]TA9 CONFLICTS ) ! POLICE & /ATE1 BUT ?IS FELT LIKE A DIFF]5T CATEGORY4 ,IT'S NOT LIKE !RE WAS A S5T5CE TO BE S]V$ & !N IT WAS OV]4 ,WE HAD NO TIMEFRAME = H[ LONG WE HAD TO WAIT4 ,ONE LAWY] ID5TIFI$ ! DATE !Y ?\<T ! GR& JURY CONV5$1 BUT BECAUSE !Y C\LD ALWAYS RECONV5E & SUBPO5A MORE PEOPLE1 IT NEV] FELT LIKE !RE WAS AN 5D4 ,IT JU/ HUNG OV] US UNTIL IT EV5TUALLY DISSOLV$ 9TO \R PA/4 ,BUT ,I PUT IT 9 ! BACK ( MY M9D BECAUSE !RE WASN'T A LOT ,I C\LD DO EXCEPT KEEP FUNCTION+4 

,ESME3 ,! %OCK ( RELEASE WAS 9T5SE4 ,RID+ 9 A C> FELT SO BIZ>RE4 ,I HAD LO/ SO MU* WEI<T NONE ( MY CLO!S FIT4 ,I HAD PICK$ UP /RANGE MANN]ISMS & NEW ANXIETIES4 ,BUT ,I WAS OV]JOY$ TO BE ) MY COMRADES 9 ! FLE% AGA94 ,! COLLECTIVE TRAUMA WE ALL EXP]I5C$ BR\<T US MU* CLOS] & =G$ P[]FUL BONDS ?AT CONT9UE TODAY4 ,SOME ( MY FRI5DS W\LD /AY ON ! RUN = YE>S AFT]1 BUT ?AT'S ANO!R /ORY4 ,!RE W]E SOME :O BETRAY$ !IR COMRADES & CAPITULAT$ TO ! /ATE'S DEM&S4 ,I WON'T WA/E MY BREA? ON !M1 EXCEPT TO SAY ?AT !IR MI/AKE WAS TREM5D\S4 ,!Y LO/ ALL !IR FRI5DS & 5DUR$ JU/ AS MU* TRAUMA AS ANY ( US1 BUT !Y CUT !MSELVES (F FROM ANY SUPPORT BECAUSE !Y *OSE TO ?R[ O!RS UND] ! BUS4 ,NOT ONLY WAS !IR DECISION UNE?ICAL1 BUT 9 ! 5D IT WASN'T EV5 SELF-S]V+4 ,MY EXP]I5CE WAS PA9FUL & LIFE*ANG+4 ,MANY YE>S HAVE PASS$ & ,I'M /ILL HEAL+ FROM IT1 BUT ,I DO NOT REGRET MY DECISIONS = AN 9/ANT4 

,AFT]W>DS 

  

,CORA3 ,N[ ?AT ?IS IS AS BEH9D ME AS IT WILL EV] BE1 ,I CAN SEE ! WAYS IT HAS %AP$ ME4 ,I MOV$ \T ( T[N & ONTO A F>M1 9 P>T BECAUSE ( MY FE> ( ! POLICE4 ,I HAD SO MANY TRAUMATIC EXP]I5CES AB\T HAV+ !M 9 MY HOME4 ,ON ! O!R H&1 ,I FEEL MU* /RONG] & MORE CAPABLE ?AN ,I DID BE=E--SPECIFICALLY1 ,I KN[ EXACTLY H[ TO DO ?IS & ,I C\LD DO IT AGA94 ,I KN[ H[ TO NAVIGATE ! PRISON SY/EM1 & ,I HAVE MU* MORE EMPA?Y = 9C>C]AT$ PEOPLE4 ,:5 ,I WRITE !M LETT]S N[1 IT FEELS MORE P]SONAL4 ,I'M ALSO PR\D ( H[ ,I WAS ABLE TO BUILD RELATION%IPS ?AT HELD A F\NDATION = US ALL TO HOLD EA* O!R ?R\< ?IS EXP]I5CE4 ,IT HELP$ US GET \T ( ! !ORETICAL REALM & SOLIDIFY :AT WE REALLY ?9K & BELIEVE4 ,BE+ ABLE TO WAT* SOMEONE ,I LOVE SO MU* MAKE ?OSE DECISIONS BAS$ ON !IR P]SONAL BELIEFS WAS 9SPIR+4 ,WE CAN ALSO SAY ( C\RSE WE W\LD NEV] CRACK1 BUT IT'S 9T]E/+ TO SEE SOMEONE ACTUALLY RISE TO ?AT *ALL5GE4 ,IT MADE IT SEEM POSSIBLE = ME1 BECAUSE ,I WAS T]RIFI$ ,I WAS GO+ TO ?R\< ! SAME ?+4 

,ESME3 ,:5 ,I FIR/ GOT \T1 ,I ?\<T ,I WAS F9E4 ,IT WASN'T UNTIL YE>S LAT] ?AT ,I REALIZ$ H[ NOT OKAY ,I HAD BE54 ,?ANKS TO !RAPY1 HALLUC9OG5S1 LE>N+ AB\T TRAUMA1 WRIT+ & ! LOV+ PATI5CE ( FRI5DS ,I'VE HEAL$ A LOT4 ,I'M =EV] *ANG$ BUT 9 MANY WAYS ,I AM /RONG] & ,I'M ABLE TO COME TO AN>*I/ /RUGGLES ) A FOCUS & 9T5TION ?AT ,I LE>N$ FROM MY EXP]I5CE4 

,DEVL93 ,AFT] SEV]AL YE>S HAD PASS$ WE ASSUM$ ?AT ! GR& JURY HAD 5D$1 S9CE USUALLY !Y HAVE EXPIRATION DATES4 ,BUT EV5 SO LAWY]S ,I HAD TALK$ TO SUGGE/$ ?AT IF ,I EV] 9T]ACT$ ) POLICE AGA9 9 MY LIFE ,I W\LD C]TA9LY GO TO JAIL--SO ! QUE/ION ( COM+ \T ( HID+ C\LD NOT BE TAK5 LI<TLY4 ,BUT ! LIFE ,I WAS LIV+ ON ! RUN FELT SO DIFFICULT & ,I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE ,I C\LD KEEP LIV+ IT4 ,I HAD REPRESS$ MY FEEL+S DUR+ ?IS TIME SO MU* ?AT ,I HAD 9 A S5SE LO/ MY ABILITY TO FEEL1 ,I />T$ TAK+ MORE & MORE DANG]\S RISKS BECAUSE ,I DIDN'T SEE ! PO9T 9 ANY?+4 

,BUT SOME P>T ( ME WAS AW>E ( ! SELF-DE/RUCTIVE PA? ,I WAS ON & ,I DISCUSS$ IT ) MY COMRADES4 ,WE MADE ! DECISION ?AT ! CO/ ( /AY+ UND]GR\ND WAS NO LONG] VIABLE4 

,NONE ( ?IS IS TO SAY ?AT IT WAS ALL BAD4 ,IT'S EASY TO EMPHASIZE ! NEGATIVE1 BUT !RE W]E SO MANY 9CR$IBLE HI< PO9TS ,I MAY NOT HAVE EXP]I5C$ O!RWISE4 ,LIKE :5 ,I DROVE = H\RS 9 A C> FULL ( FRI5DS & SWAM ) DOLPH9S 9 ! OCEAN ,I REMEMB] ?9K+1 0,I'M SUPPOS$ TO BE 9 JAIL RI<T N[60 ,IT MADE ! JOY FEEL ?AT MU* MORE 9T5SE4 

,RETURN+ TO MY LIFE FELT LIKE EXIT+ ONE DREAM WORLD = ANO!R4 ,MY FIR/ RUN-9 ) ! POLICE FELT LIKE ! REAL TE/ ( :E!R OR NOT ?+S C\LD SETTLE D[N = ME = A:ILE4 ,I HAD NO IDEA IF ,I W\LD BE 9 JAIL JU/ = A FEW H\RS OR IF ,I W\LD BE 9 !RE = WAY LONG]4 ,I WOND]$ TO MYSELF1 0,:AT DO ! COPS KN[8 ,H[ MU* 9FO DID !Y %>E BETWE5 AG5CIES80 ,BUT 9 ! 5D ,I WAS RELEAS$4 

,COM+ BACK TO MY LIFE & SEE+ PEOPLE WAS H>D1 SEE+ H[ !IR LIVES HAD MOV$ ON4 ,DI/ANCE HAD GR[N BETWE5 US4 ,I HAD TO IMM$IATELY F9D A JOB & A PLACE TO LIVE4 ,I GOT A BIZ>RELY NORMAL JOB 9 AN (FICE & JU/ W5T ?R\< ! MOTIONS ( A FUNCTION+ P]SON4 ,OV] TIME1 IT'S GR[N TO FEEL MORE & MORE LIKE MY LIFE AGA94 

,I /ILL FEEL ROOTLESS & DISCONNECT$ 9 BIG WAYS AT TIMES1 BUT ,I'M />T+ TO FEEL COM=TABLE ) ?AT4 ,I HAVE BE5 ABLE TO MAKE DEEP FRI5D%IPS ) PEOPLE ALL OV]1 5GAG$ 9 DISP>ATE BUT CONSI/5TLY 9SPIR+ WORK4 ,I FEEL APPRECIATIVE ( ! PEOPLE & /RUGGLE >\ND ME EV5 IF ,I DON'T 5TIRELY KN[ :]E ,I BELONG4 ,I EMBRACE EMOTIONALITY & A MORE COMMUNICATIVE PROCESS ( DEAL+ ) ! DIFFICULTIES ( LIFELONG AN>*I/ /RUGGLE4 ,I EXPECT TO FACE H>D] ?+S 9 ! FUTURE ?AN MY EXP]I5CE ON ! RUN & ,I ?9K N[ ,I'M MORE PREP>$ TO DEAL ) :AT MAY COME4 ,I FEEL REALLY /RONG N[ & AS COMMITT$ TO MY POLITICS AS ,I EV] WAS4 ,9 SOME WAYS ,I FEEL LESS ISOLAT$ ?AT ,I DID BE=E ,I W5T ON ! RUN4 

,BE+ ON ! RUN BR\<T CONTRADICTIONS BETWE5 MANY ( US1 BETWE5 :O WE WANT$ TO BE & :O WE >E ON ! SURFACE4 ,SO MANY PEOPLE SET ASIDE !IR [N NE$S & DID SUPPORT TO MAKE RESI/ANCE TO REPRESSION POSSIBLE4 ,AT ! SAME TIME1 !RE W]E PEOPLE :O ,I FEEL LET US D[N & ?AT ADD$ TO ! PA9 ( ! :OLE EXP]I5CE4 

,IF ,I HAD TO (F] ANY?+ RESEMBL+ ADVICE TO SOMEONE :O WAS ?9K+ AB\T GR& JURIES OR REPRESSION MORE G5]ALLY1 FROM ! COM=T ( A HOME OR /ABLE LIFE1 IT W\LD BE TO DECIDE RI<T N[ :O Y\ >E GO+ TO BE4 ,KN[ :AT Y\R /RUGGLE LOOKS LIKE & SP5D EV]Y FUCK+ DAY BUILD+ ?AT CONTEXT 9 ONE WAY OR ANO!R4 ,IF Y\ >E S]I\S1 Y\ WILL BE TE/$4 ,9 ?OSE MOM5TS1 Y\ CAN LEAN ON ! CONT9UITY ( Y\R RESI/ANCE1 & ON ! RE/ ( US & \R EXP]I5CES4 ,Y\1 TOO1 WILL BE FANN+ ! FLAMES ( SOMEONE ELSE'S DEFIANCE4 

,\R ?ANKS TO ALL ( !SE COMRADES = %>+ !IR /ORIES ) US4 ,/ATE REPRESSION AFFECTS EV]YONE1 EV5 ?OSE :O >5'T DIRECTLY 9 ! L9E ( FIRE1 BUT !RE >E WAYS TO SURVIVE4 ,YE>S AFT] ! ORDEAL1 ,DEVL9 HAS REASSUM$ EV]Y ASPECT ( !IR OLD ID5TITY1 AS F> AS ! /ATE IS CONC]N$1 & HAS A DEC5T PAY+ TE* C>E]1 DESPITE !IR /9T ON ! RUN4 ,ESME IS DIRECT+ AMATEUR !AT] COMPANIES1 & ,CORA IS T5D+ TO ANIMALS ON A F>M :ILE /UDY+ TO BE A NURSE PRACTITION]4 ,ESME & ,CORA'S RELATION%IP ) EA* O!R & ) MO/ ( ! FRI5DS :O SUPPORT$ !M ?R\< ?IS TIME IS /ILL 9CR$IBLY /RONG4 

,AS ,DEVL9 SAID1 IF Y\'RE S]I\S1 Y\ WILL BE TE/$4 ,WE MAY NOT ALL FACE ! SAME K9DS ( REPRESSION1 BUT IT'S EASY TO LIVE 9 FE> :5 WE SEE :AT HAPP5S TO \R COMRADES4 ,WE HOPE !SE /ORIES HAVE GIV5 Y\ SOME TOOLS & P]SPECTIVES TO USE IF Y\ OR Y\R FRI5DS >E EV] 9 ?IS SITUATION4 ,AS A SIDE NOTE1 ,DR4 ,ABDELHALEEM ,A%Q>1 :O WAS SU* AN 9SPIRATION TO ,DEVL91 WAS RELEAS$ ?IS ,JUNE6 

,P>T ( H[ ! GR& JURY HOLDS ITS P[] IS ?R\< SECRECY4 ,! PEOPLE 9 *>GE ( !SE PROCE$+S WANT US TO BE MY/IFI$ & T]RIFI$4 ,!Y WANT US TO LIVE 9 FE>1 KN[+ ?AT FE> CAN KEEP US DOCILE & CONTA9$4 ,! MORE WE LE>N AB\T H[ GR& JURIES WORK & H[ WE CAN KEEP \RSELVES :OLE & SANE AS WE NAVIGATE !M1 ! LESS P[] !Y CAN HOLD OV] US4  
  

0,! /ATE DEMEANS EV]Y?+ ?AT WE HOLD DE> :5 !Y ?REAT5 US 9 ?IS WAY4 ,! MO/ FREE & WILD ?+ WE HAVE 9 ?IS WORLD IS \R LOVE = EA* O!R1 & WE KN[ ?AT \R HEAL?1 \R SAFETY1 & \R LIB]ATION CAN ONLY EXI/ 9 A WORLD )\T !IR COPS1 !IR C\RTS1 & !IR CAGES4 ,\R /R5G? LIES 9 KN[+ ?AT WE CAN PROVIDE ?AT = EA* O!R1 & ?AT NO?+ !Y (F] OR ?REAT5 IS WOR? BETRAY+ \R COMMITM5T TO \R COMMUNITIES4 

0,AS /ATE REPRESSION ESCALATES1 ,I KN[ ?AT ALL ( US >E /RUGGL+ ) ! TRAUMA & ! GRIEF ?AT COMES FROM ! =CES WE FI<T AGA9/1 & ! VULN]ABILITY ?AT WE FEEL TO ! /ATE 9 ITS DESPICABLE EF=TS TO ATTACK US4 ,:AT ,I ALSO KN[1 :AT ,I BELIEVE ) ALL MY HE>T & EV]Y?+ ,I HAVE1 IS ?AT WE HAVE ! /R5G? WE NE$ TO TAKE C>E ( EA* O!R & TO FI<T BACK UNTIL WE W940 

-,KATIE ,Y[1 GR& JURY RESI/]  
  

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