,! ,BROK5 ,TEAPOT ,PEOPLE 3 ,AU?OR 3 ,ANONYM\S ,TEXT 3 ,WE ALL />T LIFE ) \R TEAPOT 9TACT & AT SOME PO9T A LITTLE CRACK />TS & SL[LY GR[S1 OR MAYBE ONE DAY WE SLIP & ! :OLE ?+ JU/ CRA%ES TO ! FLOOR4 ,?OSE ) 9TACT TEAPOTS1 !Y DON'T KN[ :AT ITS LIKE TO TRY & MAKE TEA ) ALL ! WAT] LEAK+ \T4 ,Y\ CAN'T DO IT4 ,! PLAY ( P[] ?AT IS ACC\NTABILITY & H[ IT CURR5TLY 7MAL7FUNCTIONS 9 ! AN>*I/ 'COMMUNITY' HAS BECOME A GREAT FISSURE 9 MY TEAPOT4 ,ITS A BIG CRACK BECAUSE ,I US$ TO BE V]Y 9VE/$ 9 IT BUT IT ISN'T WORK+ ANYMORE4 ,:5 TEA IS MADE N[1 BECAUSE ( ?IS CRACK &1 ( C\RSE A FEW O!RS1 ALL ?AT HAPP5S IS ?AT /EAM COMES \T & PEOPLE GET BURN$4 ,EV] NOTICE ! WAY ?AT TRAUMA CAN BUILD UP 9 Y\R SY/EM GRADUALLY8 ,Y\ COME TO EXPECT A C]TA9 AM\NT ( LOSS & Y\ /OP NOTIC+ H[ MU* IT AFFECTS Y\ UNTIL ONE DAY SOME?+ REALLY SMALL MAKES Y\ CRY 7Y\ USUALLY DON'T7 & !N Y\ REALIZE H[ TOXIC Y\ HAVE BECOME4 ,!N Y\ REALLY APPRECIATE H[ GRIEF ACCUMULATES4 ,EV]Y?+ FEELS LIKE M\RN+1 EV5 ?+S ?AT USUALLY MAKE Y\ HAPPY4 ,! IDEA ?AT WE C\LD SOMEH[ HELP EA* O!R ?R\< ! PA9 ( RESI/ANCE1 LOVE & LOSS US$ TO HELP ME HOLD MY %IT TOGE!R4 ,SUPPORT WAS ! C\NT] BALANCE TO EA* 9/ANCE ( ABUSE1 QUE] BA%+1 EVICTION1 SUICIDE1 MURD]1 & RAPE4 ,IF SOMETIMES LIFE HURT1 IF IT HURT 9 WAYS ?AT ?REAT5$ TO DRIVE ONE TO MADNESS1 AT LEA/ !RE WAS ! UND]/&+ & COMPASSION ( FRI5DS TO GET ONE ?R\<4 ,LATELY1 H[EV]1 ,I HAVE F\ND ?AT A FUNNY ?+ HAS HAPP5$1 AT LEA/ ) ! AN>*I/S4 ,WE'VE BECOME AFRAID TO HOLD ONE ANO!R UP 9 A REAL HONE/ WAY4 ,! LANGUAGE ( ACC\NTABILITY HAS MADE SUPPORT A WEIRD COMMUNITY CURR5CY1 MORE IMPORTANT 9 APPE>ANCE ?AN DE$4 ,IT HAS BECOME SOME?+ :I* MU/ BE UNQUE/ION+LY (F]$ ?AT FUNCTIONS 9 RIGID & ESS5TIALI/ WAYS4 ,!RE IS AN ALGORI?M = SUPPORT N[ & IF Y\ DON'T 5GAGE ) ! ALGORI?M 9 ! CORRECT MANN] Y\ F9D Y\RSELF \T 9 ! COLD OR1 EV5 WORSE1 HUNT$4 ,LA/ YE> :5 ,I LEFT MY P>TN]1 !Y TOTALLY LO/ !IR %IT1 BECAME OBSESS$1 FIXAT$ & EV5TUALLY BEGAN /ALK+ ME4 ,I RECEIV$ SOME SUPPORT FROM CLOSE FRI5DS & FAMILY1 BUT ! G5]AL AN>*I/ COMMUNITY1 USUALLY VOCAL TO A FAULT1 SAID NO?+4 ,SOME SAID NO?+ BECAUSE !Y DID NOT KN[ ! EXT5T ( ! ESCALATION & SOME SAID NO?+ \T ( FE>1 A DESIRE TO AVOID CONFLICT4 ,I HOLD NO MALICE T[>DS ANY ( ?OSE PEOPLE4 ,O!RS SAID NO?+ BECAUSE ,I W\LD NOT BEG9 AN ACC\NTABILITY PROCESS4 ,IT IS !SE PEOPLE1 :O C\LD NOT HAVE KN[N AT ! TIME H[ !Y W]E BREAK+ ME1 ?AT HURT ME 9 WAYS ?AT >E H>D TO EXPRESS4 ,I DID NOT WANT AN ACC\NTABILITY PROCESS & ALL ! EXPOSURE & T5DRILS ?AT CAME ) IT4 ,I WANT$ TO BE LEFT ALONE4 ,I W\LD NOT ID5TIFY MYSELF AS A VICTIM BECAUSE ,I WAS NOT SOLELY 'A VICTIM'4 ,IS ANYONE8 ,9 !IR SAN] MOM5TS NEI!R WAS MY EX SOLELY 'A P]P'1 9 FACT !Y CONSID]$ !MSELVES TO BE A VICTIM ( MY MANIPULATIONS & OMISSIONS4 ,SOME:]E F> AWAY FROM ?OSE FLAT UN=GIV+ CATEGORIES WE MI5'T SO SIMPLE4 ,I P>TICIPAT$ 9 A CODEP5D5T RELATION%IP & AT ! 5D ,I LI$ LIKE ALL HELL TO GET \T4 ,MY EX />T$ TO USE !IR NE$ 'TO ADDRESS \R ISSUES' AS A REASON TO CONT9UE TO BE 9 MY LIFE4 ,:5 ,I W\LD NOT GIVE 9 TO !IR DEM&S1 & UND]/&+ WELL H[ P[] WORKS1 !Y ?REAT5$ TO />T AN 'ACC\NTABILITY PROCESS' AGA9/ ME4 ,IT WAS A BLEAK AFFIRMATION ( MY WOR/ SUSPICIONS TO WAT* !M USE !SE 'COMMUNITY' NORMS1 SO WELL-9T5TION$ 9 !IR 9CEPTION1 9 A MANN] BEFITT+ A V]Y L>GE /ICK4 ,9 ! 5D W>Y1 NO D\BT1 ( NOT W9N+ A %[D[N AT ! L>G] 'COMMUNITY' LEVEL !Y NEV] MADE GOOD ON ?AT ?REAT4 ,I HAD MOV$ \T ( \R COLLECTIVE H\SE TO GET AWAY BUT1 NOT ANTICIPAT+ AN ESCALATION ( HO/ILITIES1 ,I MADE ! TACTICAL ]ROR ( MOV+ 9TO A PLACE ALONE4 ,!Y />T$ COM+ OV] UNANN\NC$4 ,AS !IR BEHAVIOR BECAME MORE & MORE ]RATIC MY FE> ( !M GREW4 ,PEOPLE EXPRESS$ CONC]N = ME BUT NO 9T]V5TION WAS MADE TO !M4 ,CONS5T CULTURE PRECLUD$ ANYONE TELL+ MY EX TO LEAVE ME ! FUCK ALONE )\T SOME RUBB] /AMP ( APPROVAL4 ,I NE$$ SOMEONE ELSE TO SAY SOME?+ TOTALLY 9DEP5D5T ( ANY REQUE/ ON MY P>T BECAUSE 9 EX'S HEAD ,I DES]V$ TO BE PUNI%$1 NO REASONABLE DISCUSSION1 AM\NT ( SCREAM+ OR PLEAD+ FROM ME MADE ANY DIFF]5CE4 ,I LEFT T[N4 ,!Y F\ND REASONS TO BE 9 EA* SUBSEQU5T CITY ,I TRAVEL$ TO4 ,AT SOME PO9T ! CATEGORIES ( ABUSE FLIPP$ 9 !IR HEAD4 ,?IS DID NOT ACTUALLY HELP MU*1 !Y CONT9U$ CONTACT+ ME1 ?IS TIME 9 ORD] TO BE 'ACC\NTABLE' TO ME4 ,I TOLD !M TO FUCK (F & TO LEAVE ME ALONE4 ,FROM :5 ,I LEFT !M TO :5 !Y F9ALLY LEFT ME ALONE WAS AB\T #f MON?S4 ,AFT] ! !RAPI/ AT ! WALK-9 CL9IC TOLD ME IF ,I DIDN'T MOVE F> AWAY )\T TELL+ ANYONE1 /OP BE+ A P>T ( \R %>$ RADICAL 'COMMUNITY' & GET A RE/RA9+ ORD] ,I WAS 'P>TICIPAT+ 9 MY [N /ALK+' ,I W5T TO ! P>K & CRI$ LONG & H>D 9 EXHAU/ION & DESP]ATION4 ,EV5TUALLY ,I PULL$ MYSELF TOGE!R & MADE A FEW PHONE CALLS TO SEE :O MIS ,I %$ !N W]E ANGRY & BITT]4 ,?IS IS BUT ONE VIGNETTE 9 A ?\S& ( ! WAYS !SE PROCESSES HAVE FAIL$ US4 ,IF NOT GETT+ SUPPORT UNLESS Y\ AGREE TO ! 'CORRECT' PROCESS IS ONE FAILURE1 !N BE+ UNFAIRLY DAMN$ & RIEA MISCOMMUNICATIONS ( CONS5T4 ,!RE HAVE BE5 PEOPLE FALSELY ACCUS$1 A V]BAL 'YES' 9 ! MOM5T BECAME A RETROACTIVE 'NO' LAT]4 ,WE HAVE HURT & BR&$ PEOPLE ?R\< \R PRACTIC+ ( UNQUE/ION+ BELIEF & \R SLOPPY USE ( REALLY BROAD CATEGORIES4 ,I HAVE WITNESS$ !SE PROCESSES BECOME TRIBUNALS :I* CONT9UE CODEP5D5CY & BECOME AB\T REV5GE4 ,IT IS H>D TO SAY IF ?IS IS 9T5TIONAL OR NOT BUT AS !Y SAY1 '! ROAD TO HELL IS PAV$ ) GOOD 9T5TIONS'4 ,!SE PROCESSES W]E BORN \T ( TRAUMA1 HOPE & ALL ! BE/ ( \R DESIRES = SOLID>ITY & HEAL+4 ,I KN[ ?AT TO BE TRUE1 BUT IT'S NOT WORK+ \T ?AT WAY4 ,WE WANT$ TO FREE \RSELVES FROM PATRI>*Y EXCEPT WE JU/ CREAT$ A NEW K9D ( 'JU/ICE'1 & IT IS DAMN+ US6 ,IT IS MAK+ US ACT MORE & MORE LIKE \R 5EMIES4 ,?R\< MU* S\L SE>*+1 ,I HAVE CONCLUD$ ?AT ,I WAS WRONG TO BELIEVE 91 P>TICIPATE 9 & P]PETUATE ACC\NTABILITY PROCESSES4 ,?IS AN?OLOGY IS P>T ( MY AM5DS4 ,S9CE ?IS BREAK PO9T ,I HAVE />T$ TO TRY & *ALL5GE ACC\NTABILITY PROCESSES BUT EV5 AT A !ORETICAL LEVEL1 ?IS GETS FALSELY CATEGORIZ$ AS 'BLAM+ ! VICTIM'4 ,TO QUE/ION ACC\NTABILITY IS TO QUE/ION ! SEX POSITIVE CULTURE ( CONS5T WE HAVE ALL WORK$ SO H>D TO CREATE4 ,:5 DID !SE ?+S GET SO TANGL$ TOGE!R8 ,!RE IS A 'CAN'T W9 = LOS+' M5TALITY TO !SE DISCUSSION4 ,IF Y\ DON'T BELIEVE ANYMORE1 Y\ DON'T C>E AB\T VIOL5CE1 ASSAULT OR ABUSE4 ,TO QUE/ION IS TO BETRAY4 ,9/EAD ( EMBRAC+ HONE/ CONFLICT WE HIDE \R TRUE FEEL+ UND] SO MANY LAY]S ( M5TAL GYMNA/ICS & D\BLE SPEAK4 ,IF !SE ALGORI?MS ALSO FEEL WRONG TO Y\ TRU/ ?OSE FEEL+S & SAY SOME?+6 ,WE >E ALL SO AFRAID TO SPEAK \R M9DS LEA/ WE BE JUDG$ TO BE ON ! WRONG SIDE ( ! 'FUCK$ UP' 'NOT FUCK$ UP' DI*OTOMY4 ,ADJUDICATION REQUIRES SU* />K DIFF]5TIATION4 ,!RE IS ALWAYS A PRICE :5 Y\ >E ASK$ TO SIT 9 JUDGM5T1 BE SURE Y\ >E WILL+ TO PAY IT4 ,IT USUALLY COMES LAT] 9 ! =M ( FUTILE PRAY]S ?AT NO ONE WILL EV] DISCOV] OR PROSECUTE Y\R [N FAULTS4 ,REG>DLESS ( H[ O!RS FEEL1 ,I KN[ ! JURY IS ALREADY 94 ,I KN[ MYSELF TO SOMETIMES BE 'FUCK$ UP'4 ,ITS TAK5 A LONG LONG TIME BUT ,I AM F9ALLY COM=TABLE ) MY CONTRADICTIONS & ! SL[ PROGRESS TO BE MADE 9 *ANG+ !M4 ,I WANT FRI5DS & LOV]S :O >E ALSO COM=TABLE ) ?OSE DISJUNCTURES4 ,I DO NOT WANT COMRADES :O EI!R PRET5D SU* IMP]FECTIONS DON'T EXI/ OR CONDEMN ME = !M4 ,:AT WE DO N[ IS BACK PEOPLE UP AGA9/ AN IDEOLOGICAL BRICK WALL 9 AN ATTEMPT TO CONTROL !M4 ,9 COMP>ISON BEAT+S LOOK /RAID -- EV5 M]CIFUL4 ,AT LEA/ ?OSE 5D & CAN BE HEAL$ FROM ON A PHYSIOLOGICAL TIME FRAME4 ,! MESSAGE !Y PROVIDE IS CLE>6 ,?AT K9D ( HATE IS TRANSP>5T & SOMETIMES APPROPRIATE & NECESS>Y4 ,P]HAPS ?AT K9D ( VIOL5CE MAKES Y\ W>Y1 ?AT'S GOOD6 ,EMBRACE ?OSE SMALL NAGG+ FEEL+S ( D\BT4 ,WIELD+ P[] %\LD ALWAYS MAKE ONE A LITTLE DISQUIET$4 ,AFT] READ+ & CONSID]+ !SE ESSAYS1 ,I HOPE ACC\NTABILITY PROCESSES WILL MAKE Y\ FEEL AT LEA/ AS UNCOM=TABLE4 ,I REGRET N[ ?AT WE'VE SP5T ! LA/ FEW YE>S FEEL+ SO DAMN SURE ( \RSELVES4 ,I (F] ?IS AN?OLOGY UP TO Y\ \T ( DEEP PA91 NOT HOPE = SOME?+ BETT]4 ,I DON'T HAVE ANY?+ BETT]4 ,?IS ISN'T AB\T (F]+ AN ALT]NATIVE MODEL4 ,IF ANY WORDS H]E >E TAK5 \T ( CONTEXT & SOMEH[ BECOME A NEW OR?ODOXY WE WILL HAVE FAIL$4 ,?IS IS AB\T PO9T+ \T SOME ( ! MORE EGREGI\S MIS/EPS WE HAVE MADE & 5C\RAG+ PEOPLE TO ?9K & ACT CONTEXTUALLY4 ,9 P>T+ ,I (F] UP ONLY ONE CONCRETE PLEA4 ,/OP US+ ! ALGORI?M4 ,IT IS HURT+ US4 ,! TEAPOT MAY BE NO?+ BUT JAGG$ PIECES1 BUT WE DON'T HAVE TO SLIT \R WRI/S ) !M4 9 LOVE1 DESPAIR1 ANG] & CONTRADICTION4 ,ANONYM\S ,P,S- ,PLEASE =GIVE ANY REPETITION H]E94 ,IT SEEM$ MORE IMPORTANT TO PRES5T PIECES 9 LONG =M & ALL[ EA* AU?OR SPACE TO FULLY EXPRESS !IR PO9TS ?AN TO $IT = R$UNDANCY4 ,TO ?OSE :O CONTRIBUT$ IT IS NO SMALL ACT ( BRAV]Y TO SPEAK SO BLUNTLY AGA9/ /ACK$ IDEOLOGICAL ODDS4 ,?IS K9D ( DISC\RSE & DEBATE IS WELL PA/ DUE4 ,?ANKS = BE+ A CATALY/4 ,TO ALL ( MY FRI5DS :O DIDN'T %R9K FROM CONFLICT1 UND]/OOD ! CONTRADICTIONS & SUPPORT$ ME ANYWAY444 Y\'VE HELP$ KEEP ME SANE DUR+ A LONG P]IOD ( D>KNESS4 ,I LOVE Y\4 7,SPR+ #b#a#b7 ,SAFETY IS AN ,ILLUSION ,REFLECTIONS ON ,ACC\NTABILITY BY ,ANGU/IA ,CELE/E ,I WAS ASK$ BY A DE> FRI5D TO WRITE ?IS PIECE AB\T ACC\NTABILITY )9 RADICAL COMMUNITIES -- (F] SOME 9SIS WE'VE SP5T FIS ,I REALLY TRI$ TO MAKE ! RELATION%IP WORK BUT Y\ KN[ :AT8 ,!RE IS NO SU* ?+ AS ACC\NTABILITY )9 RADICAL COMMUNITIES BECAUSE !RE IS NO SU* ?+ AS COMMUNITY -- NOT :5 IT COMES TO SEXUAL ASSAULT & ABUSE4 ,TAKE AN HONE/ SURVEY SOMETIME & Y\ WILL F9D ?AT WE DON'T AGREE4 ,!RE IS NO CONS5SUS4 ,COMMUNITY 9 ?IS CONTEXT IS A MY?ICAL1 FREQU5TLY 9VOK$ & MU* MISUS$ T]M4 ,I DON'T WANT TO BE 9VE/$ 9 IT ANYMORE4 ,I ?9K ITS TIME TO AB&ON !SE FALSE L+UI/IC GAMES WE PLAY & GO BACK TO ! OLD MODEL4 ,I MISS ! DAYS :5 IT WAS CONSID]$ REASONABLE TO SIMPLY KICK ! LIV+ %IT \T ( PEOPLE & PUT !M ON ! NEXT TRA9 \T ( T[N -- AT LEA/ ?AT EX*ANGE WAS CLE> & HONE/4 ,I HAVE SP5T TOO MU* TIME ) BO? SURVIVORS & P]PETRATORS DR[N+ 9 A DELUGE ( WORDS ?AT DIDN'T LEAD TO HEAL+ OR EV5 FUCK+ CA?>SIS4 ,I AM SICK ( ! LANGUAGE ( ACC\NTABILITY BE+ US$ TO CREATE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE CATEGORIES ( 'FUCK$ UP' & 'WRONG$4' ,I F9D ! LANGUAGE ( 'SURVIVOR' & 'P]P' (F5SIVE BECAUSE IT DOES NOT LAY B>E ALL ! WAYS 9 :I* ABUSE IS A DYNAMIC BETWE5 P>TIES4 7,?\< ,I WILL USE ?OSE T]MS H]E BECAUSE ITS ! COMMON T5D] WE HAVE47 ,AN>*I/S >E NOT IMMUNE TO DYNAMICS ( ABUSE1 ?AT MU* WE CAN ALL AGREE ON BUT ,I HAVE COME TO REALIZE MORE & MORE ?AT WE CANNOT KEEP EA* O!R SAFE4 ,TEA*+ MODELS ( MUTUAL WORK+ CONS5T IS A GOOD />T -- BUT IT WILL NEV] BE 5\<3 SOCIALIZATION ( G5D]1 MONOGAMY -- ! LIES ( EXCLUSIVITY & ! APPEAL ( 0LOVE0 AS PROPRIETY >E TOO /RONG4 ,PEOPLE SEEK \T !SE LEVELS ( 9T5SITY :5 ! LOVE AFFAIR IS NEW1 :5 ?AT OBSESSIVE 9TIMACY FEELS GOOD & !N DON'T KN[ H[ TO NEGOTIATE S\R$ AFFECTION4 ,?AT'S ! ?+ AB\T PATRI>*Y ITS FUCK+ P]VASIVE & ?AT'S ! ?+ AB\T BE+ AN AN>*I/1 OR TRY+ TO LIVE FREE1 FI]CE & )\T APOLOGY -- NONE ( IT KEEPS Y\ SAFE FROM VIOL5CE4 ,!RE IS NO SPACE WE CAN CREATE 9 A WORLD AS DAMAG$ AS ! ONE WE LIVE 9 :I* IS ABS5T FROM VIOL5CE4 ,?AT WE EV5 ?9K IT IS POSSIBLE SAYS MORE AB\T \R PRIVILEGE ?AN ANY?+ ELSE4 ,\R ONLY AUTONOMY LIES 9 H[ WE NEGOTIATE & USE P[] & VIOL5CE \RSELVES4 ,I REALLY WANT TO EMPHASIZE3 !RE IS NO SU* ?+ AS SAFE SPACE UND] PATRI>*Y OR CAPITALISM 9 LIE NOT ADD+ UP4 ,!RE >E A LOT ( PROBLEMS ) ! CURR5T MODEL -- ! V]Y DIFF]5T EXP]I5CES ( SEXUAL ASSAULT & RELATION%IP ABUSE GET LUMP$ TOGE!R4 ,ACC\NTABILITY PROCESSES 5C\RAGE TRIANGULATION 9/EAD ( DIRECT COMMUNICATION -- & BECAUSE CONFLICT IS NOT PU%$1 MO/ HONE/ COMMUNICATION IS AVOID$4 ,DIRECT CONFRONTATION IS GOOD6 ,AVOID+ IT DOESN'T ALL[ = NEW UND]/&+S1 CA?>TIC RELEASE OR ! EV5TUAL =GIV5ESS ?AT P]SON TO P]SON EX*ANGES CAN LEAD TO4 ,WE HAVE SET UP A MODEL :]E ALL P>TIES >E 5C\RAG$ TO SIMPLY NEGOTIATE H[ !Y NEV] HAVE TO SEE EA* O!R AGA9 OR %>E SPACE4 ,SOME IMPOSSIBLE DEM&S_/PROMISES >E MET$ \T & 9 ! NAME ( CONFID5TIALITY L9ES >E DRAWN 9 ! S& ON ! BASIS ( G5]ALITIES4 ,DEAL ) Y\R %IT BUT Y\ CAN'T TALK AB\T ! SPECIFICS ( :AT W5T D[N & Y\ CAN'T TALK TO EA* O!R4 ,! CURR5T MODEL ACTUALLY CREATES MORE SIL5CE -- ONLY A SPECIALIZ$ FEW >E (F]$ 9=MATION AB\T :AT HAPP5$ BUT EV]YONE IS /ILL EXPECT$ TO PASS JUDGM5T4 ,!RE IS LITTLE TRANSP>5CY 9 !SE PROCESSES4 ,9 AN UND]/&ABLE ATTEMPT TO NOT TRIGG] OR CAUSE MORE PA9 WE TALK \RSELVES 9 9CREAS+LY AB/RACT$ CIRCLES :ILE A MOM5T OR DYNAMIC BETWE5 TWO PEOPLE GETS CRY/ALLIZ$ & DOESN'T *ANGE OR PROGRESS4 0,P]PS0 BECOME ! SUM TOTAL ( !IR WOR/ MOM5TS4 0,SURVIVORS0 CRAFT AN ID5TITY >\ND EXP]I5CES ( VIOL5CE ?AT FREQU5TLY KEEPS !M /UCK 9 ?AT EMOTIONAL MOM5T4 ,! C>EFUL NONVIOL5T COMMUNICATION ( ACC\NTABILITY DOESN'T LEAD TO HEAL+4 ,I'VE SE5 !SE PROCESSES DIVIDE A LOT ( SC5ES BUT ,I HAV5'T SE5 !M HELP PEOPLE GET SUPPORT1 RETAKE P[] OR FEEL SAFE AGA94 ,RAPE BREAKS Y\ -- ! LOSS ( BODILY CONTROL1 H[ ?OSE FEEL+ ( IMPOT5CE REVISIT Y\1 H[ IT ROBS Y\ ( ANY ILLUSION ( SAFETY OR SANITY4 ,WE NE$ MODELS ?AT HELP PEOPLE TAKE P[] BACK & WE NE$ TO CALL ! RETRIBUTION1 CONTROL1 & BANI%+ ( ! CURR5T MODEL = :AT IT IS -- REV5GE4 ,REV5GE IS ,O,K BUT LETS NOT PRET5D ITS NOT AB\T P[]6 ,IF %AM+ & RETALIATORY VIOL5CE IS :AT WE HAVE TO WORK ) !N LETS BE REAL AB\T IT4 ,LET'S *OSE ?OSE TOOLS IF WE CAN HONE/LY SAY ?AT IS :AT WE WANT TO DO4 ,9 ! MID/ ( ?IS W> WE NE$ TO GET BETT] AT BE+ 9 CONFLICT4 ,RAPE HAS ALWAYS BE5 US$ AS ?IS TOOL ( CONTROL -- PR(F]$ UP AS A ?REAT ( :AT W\LD HAPP5 IF ,I1 9 MY QUE]NESS & G5D]$ AMBIGUITY1 CONT9U$ TO LIVE1 WORK1 DRESS1 TRAVEL1 LOVE OR RESI/ ! WAY ?AT ,I *OSE TO4 ,?OSE W>N+S HELD NO WAT] = ME -- 9 MY HE>T ,I KNEW IT WAS ONLY A MATT] ( TIME -- NO MATT] :AT K9D ( LIFE ,I *OSE TO LIVE BECAUSE MY SOCIALLY PRESCRIB$ G5D] PUT ME AT CON/ANT RISK = VIOLATION4 ,I WAS RAP$ AT WORK & IT TOOK ME A :ILE TO REALLY NAME ?AT ASSAULT AS RAPE4 ,AFT] IT HAPP5$ MO/LY :AT ,I FELT1 ONCE ! PA91 RAGE & ANG] SUBSID$ WAS RELIEF4 ,RELIEF ?AT IT HAD F9ALLY HAPP5$4 ,I HAD BE5 WAIT+ MY :OLE LIFE = IT TO HAPP51 HAD HAD A FEW CLOSE CALLS & F9ALLY ,I KNEW :AT IT FELT LIKE & ,I KNEW ,I C\LD GET ?R\< IT4 ,I NE$$ ?AT BAD TRICK4 ,I NE$$ A CONCRETE REASON = ! HUNT$ FEEL+S ?AT /EMM$ FROM MY FRI5D'S RAPE1 MURD] & MUTILATION A FEW YE>S BACK4 ,I NE$$ TO HAVE SOMEONE HURT ME & REALIZE ,I HAD BO? ! DESIRE TO KILL !M & ! P]SONAL CONTROL TO KEEP MYSELF FROM DO+ IT4 ,I NE$$ TO REA* \T = SUPPORT & BE DISAPPO9T$4 ,BECAUSE ?AT'S H[ IT GOES D[N -- ASK ! SURVIVORS Y\ KN[ MO/ PEOPLE DON'T COME \T ( IT FEEL+ SUPPORT$4 ,WE'VE RAIS$ EXPECTATIONS BUT ! REAL LIFE EXP]I5CE IS /ILL %IT4 ,I WAS TRAVEL+ ABROAD :5 IT HAPP5$4 ,! ONLY P]SON ,I TOLD CALL$ ! POLICE AGA9/ MY WI%ES4 ,!Y SE>*$ ! 0CRIME0 SC5E )\T MY CONS5T & TOOK ,D,N,A EVID5CE BECAUSE ,I DIDN'T DISPOSE ( IT4 ,KN[+ ,I HAD ALL[$ MYSELF 9 A MOM5T ( VULN]ABILITY TO BE PRESSUR$ & CO]C$ 9TO P>TICIPAT+ 9 ! POLICE PROCESS AGA9/ MY POLITICAL WILL MADE ME FEEL EV5 WORSE ?AN BE+ VIOLAT$ HAD4 ,I LEFT T[N %ORTLY !REAFT] SO ,I DIDN'T HAVE TO CONT9UE TO BE PRESSUR$ BY MY 'FRI5D' 9TO COOP]AT+ ) ! POLICE ANY MORE ?AN ,I ALREADY HAD4 ,! ONLY WAY ,I FELT ANY SEMI-BALANCE ( CONTROL DUR+ ?AT P]IOD WAS BY TAK+ RETRIBUTION AGA9/ MY RAPI/ 9TO MY [N H&S4 ,I REALIZ$ ?AT ,I ALSO C\LD WIELD ?REATS1 ANG] & IMPLI$ VIOL5CE AS A WEAPON4 ,AFT] MY FIR/ EXP]I5CE ( 'SUPPORT' ,I *OSE TO DO ?AT ALONE4 ,I C\LD ?9K ( NO ONE 9 ?AT MOM5T TO ASK = HELP BUT IT WAS ,O,K BECAUSE ,I REALIZ$ ,I C\LD DO IT MYSELF4 ,9 MO/ O!R PLACES ,I ?9K ,I C\LD HAVE ASK$ SOME ( MY FRI5DS TO HELP ME4 ,! CULTURE ( NONVIOL5CE DOES NOT TOTALLY P]MEATE ALL ( ! COMMUNITIES ,I EXI/ 94 ,! LACK ( AFF9ITY ,I FELT WAS A RESULT ( BE+ TRANSI5T TO ?AT CITY BUT ,I DON'T ?9K MY EXP]I5CE ( BE+ (F]$ M$IATION 9/EAD ( CONFRONTATION IS P>TICUL>LY UNIQUE4 ,9 ! CASE ( SEXUAL ASSAULT ,I ?9K RETALIATORY VIOL5CE IS APPROPRIATE1 & ,I DON'T ?9K !RE NE$S TO BE ANY K9D ( CONS5SUS AB\T IT4 ,PU%+ MODELS ?AT PROMISE TO M$IATE 9/EAD ( ALL[ CONFRONTATION IS ISOLAT+ & ALI5AT+4 ,I DIDN'T WANT M$IATION ?R\< LEGAL *ANNELS OR ANY O!R4 ,I WANT$ REV5GE4 ,I WANT$ TO MAKE HIM FEEL AS \T ( CONTROL1 SC>$ & VULN]ABLE AS HE HAD MADE ME FEEL4 ,!RE IS NO SAFETY REALLY AFT] A SEXUAL ASSAULT1 BUT !RE CAN BE CONSEQU5CES4 ,WE CAN'T PROVIDE SURVIVORS SAFE SPACE -- SAFE SPACE1 9 A G5]AL S5SE1 \TSIDE ( CLOSE FRI5D%IPS1 SOME FAMILY & ! OCCASIONAL AFF9ITY JU/ DOESN'T EXI/4 ,\R CURR5T MODELS ( ACC\NTABILITY SUFF] FROM AN OV]-ABUNDANCE ( HOPE4 ,FUCK ! FALSE PROMISES ( SAFE SPACE -- WE WILL NEV] GET EV]YONE ON ! SAME PAGE AB\T ?IS4 ,LET'S COP TO H[ H>D HEAL+ IS & H[ DELUSIONAL ANY EXPECTATION = A RADICAL *ANGE ( BEHAVIOR IS 9 ! CASE ( ASSAULT4 ,WE NE$ TO DIFF]5TIATE BETWE5 PHYSICAL ASSAULT & EMOTIONAL ABUSE -- ?R[+ !M TOGE!R UND] ! G5]AL RUBRIC 9T]P]SONAL VIOL5CE DOESN'T HELP4 ,CYCLICAL PATT]NS ( ABUSE DON'T JU/ DISAPPE>4 ,?IS %IT IS REALLY REALLY DEEP -- MANY ABUS]S W]E ABUS$ & MANY ABUS$ BECOME ABUS]S4 ,! PA/ FEW YE>S ,I HAVE WAT*$ ) HORROR AS ! LANGUAGE ( ACC\NTABILITY BECAME AN EASY FRONT = A NEW G5]ATION ( EMOTIONAL MANIPULATORS4 ,IT'S BE5 US$ TO P]FECT A NEW K9D ( PR$ATORY MAV]ICK -- ! ONE S*OOL$ 9 ! LANGUAGE ( S5SITIVITY -- US+ ! ILLUSION ( ACC\NTABILITY AS COMMUNITY CURR5CY4 ,SO :]E DOES REAL SAFETY COME FROM8 ,H[ CAN WE MEASURE IT8 ,SAFETY COMES FROM TRU/1 & TRU/ IS P]SONAL4 ,IT CAN'T BE M$IAT$ OR RUBB] /AMP$ AT A COMMUNITY LEVEL4 ,MY 'SAFE' LOV] MITIES4 ,PEOPLE >E 5C\RAG$ TO PICK SIDES & YET NO DIRECT CONFLICT BR+S !SE K9DS ( 5TANGLEM5TS TO ANY K9D ( RESOLVE4 ,US+ ACC\NTABILITY MODELS DEVELOP$ ALL ?OSE YE>S AGO TO DEAL ) S]IAL RAPI/S 9 ! RADICAL SC5E HAS NOT BE5 MU* TO HELP 9 GETT+ PEOPLE \T ( ! S& PIT ( DAMAG+ & CODEP5D5T RELATION%IPS4 ,EMOTIONAL ABUSE IS A FUCK+ VAGUE & H>D TO DEF9E T]M4 ,IT MEANS DIFF]5T ?+S TO EV]Y P]SON4 ,IF SOMEONE HURTS Y\ & Y\ WANT TO HURT !M BACK -- !N DO IT BUT DON'T PRET5D ITS AB\T MUTUAL HEAL+4 ,CALL P[] EX*ANGE = :AT IT IS4 ,ITS ,O,K TO WANT P[] BACK & ITS ,O,K TO TAKE IT BUT NEV] DO ANY?+ TO SOMEONE ELSE ?AT Y\ C\LDN'T /OMA* HAV+ SOMEONE DO TO Y\ IF ! TABLES W]E TURN$4 ,?OSE 9CL9$ TO USE PHYSICAL BRUTALITY TO GA9 P[] NE$ TO BE TAU5CY4 ,I AM SICK ( TRIANGULAT+4 ,I AM SICK ( HID+ P[] EX*ANGE4 ,I AM SICK ( HOPE4 ,I HAVE BE5 RAP$4 ,I HAVE BE5 AN UNFAIR MANIPULATOR ( P[] 9 SOME ( MY 9TIMATE RELATION%IPS4 ,I HAVE HAD SEXUAL EX*ANGES ?AT W]E A LE>N+ CURVE = BETT] CONS5T4 ,I HAVE ! POT5TIAL 9 ME TO BE BO? SURVIVOR & P]P -- ABUS$ & ABUS] -- AS WE ALL DO4 "9 "9 "9 ,!SE ESS5TIALI/ CATEGORIES DON'T S]VE US4 ,PEOPLE RAPE -- V]Y FEW PEOPLE >E RAPI/S 9 EV]Y SEXUAL EX*ANGE4 ,PEOPLE ABUSE ONE ANO!R -- ?IS ABUSE IS (T5 MUTUAL & CYCLICAL -- CYCLES >E H>D BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE TO AM5D4 ,!SE BEHAVIORS *ANGE CONTEXTUALLY4 ,!RE=E !RE IS NO SU* ?+ AS SAFE SPACE4 ,I WANT US TO BE HONE/ AB\T BE+ AT W> -- ) \RSELVES1 ) \R LOV]S & ) \R 0RADICAL0 COMMUNITY BECAUSE WE >E AT W> ) ! WORLD AT L>GE & ?OSE T5DRILS ( DOM9ATION EXI/ )9 US & !Y AFFECT SO MU* ( :AT WE T\*1 :O WE LOVE & ?OSE WE HURT4 ,BUT WE >E NOT ONLY ! PA9 WE CAUSE O!RS OR ! VIOL5CE 9FLICT$ UPON US4 ,WE NE$ MORE DIRECT COMMUNICATION & :5 ?AT DOESN'T HELP WE NE$ DIRECT 5GAGEM5T 9 ALL ITS HORRIBLE MESSY GLORY4 ,AS LONG AS WE MAKE \RSELVES VULN]ABLE TO O!RS WE WILL NEV] BE SAFE 9 ! TOTAL S5SE ( ! WORD4 "9 "9 "9 ,!RE IS ONLY AFF9ITY & TRU/ KEPT4 ,!RE IS ONLY TRU/ BROK5 & CONFRONTATION4 ,! W> ISN'T GO+ TO 5D ANYTIME SOON ,LET'S BE BETT] AT BE+ 9 CONFLICT4 ,LOVE ,Y\ ,TOO ,MU* BY ,ALEX ,GORRION .<#a.> ,HOPE ! RIS+ BLACK SMOKE C>RIES ME F> AWAY & ,I NEV] COME BACK TO ?IS T[N AGA9 ,! GNO/IC PRIE/S ( ,CAPITAL1 :O WI% TO SEE 9 EV]Y?+ ONLY !IR IMP]FECT1 EVIL ,GOD1 CAN NAIL D[N ! TORR5TIAL =CE ( ROMANTIC LOVE )9 !IR FLAT COSMOLOGY BY REF]R+ IT TO ! NUCLE> FAMILY1 :I* EXI/S ONLY TO REPRODUCE LABOR P[]1 & ?US WILL DISAPPO9T ! DESIRES ?AT JU/IFY IT2 OR !Y CAN CLAIM1 & NOT )\T EVID5CE1 ?AT LOVE HAS BE5 COMMODITIZ$1 & ! CONSUMPTION ( A COMMODITY EXT+UI%ES ITS VALUE & PRODUCES1 AGA91 DISAPPO9TM5T4 ,BUT !Y >E AS 9ADEQUATE AS !IR NEMESES1 ! PRIE/S ( ! ,M>KET1 :O ASSURE ?AT EV]Y ILL WILL BE WORK$ \T BY AN ,9VISIBLE ,H&4 ,CAPITALISM'S EFFECT ON ! EMOTIONS IS NE>LY ALWAYS DULL+4 ,! ANTICLIMAX ( ,*RI/MAS1 ?AT MO/ COND5S$ GIFT+ & EXT+UI%+ ( COMMODITIES1 DOES NOT LEAD TO BLOODBA?S1 BUT TO BOR$OM4 ,! VIOL5CE BORN ( LOVE DOES NOT CLIMAX 9 ! =MATION ( ! FAMILY1 AS IT W\LD IF ITS CAUSE W]E ! 9ABILITY ( A LABOR-P[] FACTORY TO SATISFY HUMAN EMOTION1 BUT ACCOMPANIES IT EV]Y /EP ( ! WAY4 ,TO UND]/& ! WRA? ?AT HIDES BEH9D ! MASK ( ?AT MO/ T5D] S5TIM5T1 WE NE$ TO SEEK \T OLD]1 MORE JEAL\S GODS4 ,P]HAPS IT IS ! WAY POP MUSIC CONDITIONS \R EXPECTATIONS ?AT KEPT ME FROM REALIZ+1 AT FIR/1 ?AT ,EM9EM'S 0,LOVE ! ,WAY ,Y\ ,LIE0 7FEATUR+ ,RIHANNA7 IS NOT A MA*O GLORIFICATION ( DOME/IC VIOL5CE BUT RA!R ONE ( ! FEW HONE/ LOVE SONGS TO EV] TOP ! *>TS4 ,IT'S AN EASY SONG TO HATE OR TO FE>1 BECAUSE IT PROTAGONIZES SOMEONE :O BEATS HIS P>TN]1 & CLIMAXES ) ! FOLL[+ L9ES3 ,NEXT TIME ,I'M PISS$ ,I'LL AIM MY FI/ ,AT ! DRY WALL ,NEXT TIME ,!RE WILL BE NO NEXT TIME ,I APOLOGIZE ,EV5 ?\< ,I KN[ IT'S LIES ,I'M TIR$ ( ! GAMES ,I JU/ WANT H] BACK ,I KN[ ,I'M A LI> ,IF %E EV] TRIES TO FUCK+ LEAVE AGA9 ,I'MMA TIE H] TO ! B$ ,& SET ! H\SE ON FIRE ,RIHANNA1 S++ ! *ORUS1 RESPONDS P]IODICALLY )3 ,JU/ GONNA /& !RE ,& WAT* ME BURN ,BUT ?AT'S ALRI ME CRY ,BUT ?AT'S ALRIISON TO ADDICTION OR ! L9E 0,I LOVE Y\ TOO MU*0 ?AT =C$ ME TO RECOGNIZE ?IS SONG HAD MORE VALIDITY ?AN MY FE>S WANT$ ME TO ADMIT4 ,IT'S A COMMONPLACE ?AT SONGS ON ! RADIO P9E 0,I CAN'T LIVE )\T Y\10 0,I NEV] WANT TO LEAVE Y\R SIDE10 & O!R /ATEM5TS ( ABSOLUTE CODEP5D5CY ?AT DECORATE ! ELABORATE MY? ( ROMANTIC LOVE1 9 :I* TWO PEOPLE COMPLETE EA* O!R 9 A /ATIC & UN5D+ CONGRUITY4 ,H[ MANY ( !SE SONGS >E HONE/ 5\< TO M5TION ! ABUSE ?AT LOGICALLY ACCOMPANIES ?IS K9D ( LOVE8 "9 "9 "9 ,IT WAS ! LOOK 9 HIS EYES AS HE BEAT H]4 ,AS ?\< HIS DE>E/ ILLUSION HAD %ATT]$1 & HE HAD SNAPP$ ) IT4 ,%E WASN'T HIS1 %E NEV] HAD BE51 & %E NEV] W\LD BE4 ,UP UNTIL N[1 %E HAD *OS5 TO ACCOMPANY HIM1 & AFT] TODAY1 CLE>LY1 %E W\LD NOT4 0,:ATEV] HAPP5$ TO ',UNTIL DEA? DO US P>T'80 HE MUTT]$ CONFUS$LY1 ON ONE ( ! FEW OCCASIONS HE EV] TALK$ AB\T IT ) ME4 ,HE DIDN'T UND]/& ! K9D ( LOVE ?AT *ANG$1 ! K9D ?AT WAS CONT+5T ON *OICE4 ,I CONT9U$ TO LOVE !M BO?1 NOT ) ! PROPRIET>Y LOVE ( A HUSB& OR A MO!R1 BUT ) ! LOVE ( A *ILD :O WANTS EV]YONE TO BE OKAY4 ,BY LOV+ !M ,I LE>N$ A NUMB] ( ?+S4 ,I LE>N$ ?AT %E WAS /RONG1 ?AT WE MAY NOT GET TO *OOSE IF WE GET BEAT51 BUT WE CAN *OOSE :E!R WE BECOME VICTIMS1 OR :E!R WE WALK \T4 ,%E NEV] HAT$ HIM1 EI!R1 BUT UNLIKE ,RIHANNA'S *>ACT] 9 ! ,EM9EM SONG1 H] SYMPA?Y WAS NOT A WEAKNESS1 NOT A RESIGNATION TO BE+ ABUS$4 ,I ALSO LE>N$ FROM H] ?AT ABUS] & SURVIVOR >E FLEXIBLE CATEGORIES1 ?AT ONE IS V]Y LIKELY TO BECOME ! O!R1 & !RE=E NEI!R ( !SE CAN DEF9E SOMEONE4 ,SOMEONE :O HAS BE5 HURT V]Y (T5 WANTS TO HURT O!RS1 OR TO TURN !M 9TO PROTECTIVE APP5DAGES4 ,! PATRI>*Y ,I GREW UP 9 NEV] TAUN$ FROM HIM IS ?AT HIS /ORY WAS ALSO IMPORTANT4 ,HE WAS NOT EVIL1 BUT HURT4 ,:AT HAPP5$ 9 ?AT COLD FAMILY HE NEV] TALK$ AB\T8 ,HE WAS CLE>LY SC>R$4 ,N[ ,I WAS TOO4 ,I WAS SURE ?AT ,I W\LD BE MU* BETT] ?AN HIM4 ,I WASN'T 5TIRELY CORRECT4 ,! /ORY ?AT'S NEV] SPOK5 IS SURE TO BE REPEAT$4 ,HATE IT1 FE> IT1 BAN IT FROM ! RADIO4 ,IT'S GO+ TO COME BACK >\ND4 "9 "9 "9 ,A S+LE-M9D$ CRITIQUE ( CAPITALISM CANNOT POSSIBLY EXPLA9 ! VEHEM5CE ( LOVE1 & MU/ NEGLECT LOVE'S C5TRAL ROLE 9 P]PETUAT+ ! H>M WE DO TO \RSELVES4 ,LOVE IS SOME?+ MORE ?AN DESIRE & ITS MISPLAC$ SATISFACTION 9 COMMODITY =M4 ,BUT ! TRADITIONAL UND]/&+ ( PATRI>*Y1 AS A HI]>*ICAL SY/EM ) M5 DOM9AT+ WOM51 IS ALSO 9ADEQUATE1 BECAUSE LOVE IS ALSO SOME?+ DIFF]5T ?AN HI]>*Y4 ,LOVE DOES NOT 5D 9 ! DOM9ATION ( ! O!R BUT 9 ! MUTUAL DE/RUCTION ( SELF & O!R4 ,ITS MO/ UNC5SOR$ EXPRESSION IS ! MURD]-SUICIDE4 "9 "9 "9 ,N WAS />T+ TO LOSE IT4 ,S BECAME ! OBJECT ( HIS OBSESSIONS4 ,!Y HAD BE5 COMRADES & LOV]S4 ,ONCE IT GOT UND5IABLY UNHEAL?Y1 %E 5D$ IT4 ,BUT HE C\LDN'T WALK AWAY4 ,HE BECAME UNH+$1 BUT %E REFUS$ TO CALL ! POLICE1 BECAUSE %E C>$ AB\T HIM1 & HAT$ ! /ATE4 ,! RE/ ( US C\LDN'T PROVIDE ! SUPPORT !Y BO? NE$$1 NEI!R ! FRI5D%IP ?AT W\LD HAVE GIV5 HIM ! /R5G? TO HEAL1 NOR ! ACCOMPANIM5T ?AT W\LD HAVE SAV$ H]4 ,I LIV$ 9 A DIFF]5T T[N3 ?AT WAS MY EXCUSE4 ,ONE NIT ?AT F9ALLY TRIUMPH$4 ,9 \R SOCIETY1 LOVE IS ! P]FECT MASK = SELF-HATR$4 ,I DON'T BELIEVE ?AT SELF-HATR$ IS A PRODUCT ( CAPITALISM1 BUT AN 9EVITABLE COMPANION TO ! ANGUI% ( LIV+4 ,H[EV]1 WORK1 POLITICS1 COLONIALISM1 DE=E/ATION1 & ! PATRI>*AL FAMILY GIVE US MANY MORE REASONS TO HATE \RSELVES4 ,& !Y DEPRIVE US ( MEANS TO HEAL \RSELVES4 ,/R5G? IS COLLECTIVE PROP]TY4 ,NO ONE IS ALONE4 ,! ILLUSION ( 9DIVIDUALITY1 :]E IT SUCCE$S1 LEAVES US CON/ANTLY BLE$+4 ,ALL ! NODES ON \R BODY ?AT CONNECT$ US ) ! WORLD -- MY H& ?AT GRIPP$ Y\RS1 MY LIPS ?AT KISS$ HIS1 MY FEET ?AT HELD UP ! E>?1 MY LUNGS ?AT TRAD$ SECRETS ) ! LEAVES 9 ! TREES1 MY BELLY ?AT WAS A FURNACE TRANSMUT+ ONE LIV+ ?+ 9TO ANO!R -- BECOME OP5 W\NDS4 ,BY PROMIS+ US ONE 9TIMATE RELATION ) ANO!R BE+1 !Y 9 FACT TAKE AWAY ALL ?OSE O!R RELATIONS1 & !Y PRODUCE A SIL5CE ?AT EXILES US 9TO ONE ANO!R1 (T5 DE/ROY+ ! AFFECTION ( ! C\PLE BY DEM&+ ! WORLD ( IT4 ,:5 ! OPIUM MU/ ALSO BE FOOD & WAT] & %ELT]1 ! US] DE/ROYS1 ULTIMATELY1 H] LOVE AFFAIR ) ! OPIUM AS WELL4 ,PATRI>*Y DOESN'T REPRODUCE ITSELF AS A HI]>*Y1 BUT AS A NETWORK4 ,:AT WILL BE MO/ H>D TO ACCEPT1 & MO/ EASILY DISMISS$ AS A DANG]\SLY SEXI/ IDEA1 IS ?AT IT IS A FULLY P>TICIPATORY 5T]PRISE4 ,! T5D5CY ( SOME FEM9I/S TODAY TO REJECT ! FACT ( P>TICIPATORY PATRI>*Y ONLY %[S H[ DEEPLY !Y HAVE 9T]NALIZ$ A CAPITALI/ & /ATI/ WORLDVIEW4 ,BELIEV+ ?AT WE ALL HAVE AG5CY DOES NOT MEAN WE BELIEVE 9 ! ,AM]ICAN DREAM1 ?AT ANYONE CAN PULL !MSELVES UP BY !IR BOOT/RAPS & ?AT ANY MIS=TUNE ?AT SOMEONE SUFF]S IS ULTIMATELY !IR FAULT4 ,S WAS ONE ( ! /RONGE/ PEOPLE ,I KNEW4 ,%E DI$ FIR/ & =EMO/ BECAUSE ,N GAVE H] NO *OICE 9 ! MATT]1 & SECONDLY BECAUSE WE1 H] FRI5DS1 C\LD NOT GIVE H] ! SUPPORT %E NE$$ TO DEF5D H]SELF & WE C\LD NOT GIVE ,N ! CRITICAL SUPPORT HE NE$$ TO HEAL4 ,S'S AG5CY RESIDES 9 H[ %E *OSE TO DEAL ) ! SITUATION1 DECISIONS ?AT W]E BRAVE & PR9CIPL$1 EV5 ?\< EV]Y?+ 5D$ SO HORRIBLY4 ,IT %\LDN'T HAVE TO BE SAID3 WE LIVE 9 A %IT WORLD & ?+S (T5 5D1 NO MATT] :AT WE DO1 9 ! WOR/ POSSIBLE WAY4 ,?IS DOESN'T *ANGE \R AG5CY 9 !SE SITUATIONS4 ,P]HAPS N9ETY-N9E TIMES1 WE MAY TRY TO AVOID TRAG$Y & FAIL4 ,! DIFF]5CE IS1 IF WE REFUSE TO BE VICTIMS1 ! WAY ,S WAS A FI*Y- I4E4 MO/ AN>*I/ & FEM9I/ CIRCLES- WE NE$ TO GET OV] \R POLITICALLY CORRECT FE> ( BLAM+ VICTIMS4 ,IF WE >E CONSI/5T 9 \R POLITICAL VIEWS !N WE DO NOT BELIEVE 9 BLAME1 NOR DO WE FEEL AFF9ITY ) VICTIMS4.<#b.> ,WE MU/ FOCUS ON AG5CY & ON ! POT5TIAL = UND]DOGS & DISEMP[]$ PEOPLE TO *ANGE !IR SITUATIONS4 ,I FEEL IT IS ESS5TIAL TO /RESS3 IT'S ! ONLY WAY \T ( ?IS MESS4 ,SOME PATRI>*AL SOCIETIES HAVE PRACTICALLY IMPRISON$ WOM54 ,O!RS1 SU* AS \RS1 (F] MOBILITY4 ,:AT CONTRADICTS ! !ORY ( A HI]>*ICAL PATRI>*Y IS ?AT :E!R OR NOT A SOCIETY (F]S ?IS MOBILITY1 MO/ PEOPLE /ILL DON'T WALK \T4 ,REG>DLESS ( :E!R A WOMAN W\LD GET /ON$ = LEAV+ H] HUSB&1 OR :E!R %E'D BE ABLE TO GET A JOB & AN AP>TM5T1 ! ABUSIVE RELATION%IPS DON'T 5D4 ,BECAUSE !Y >E NOT PR$ICAT$ ON 5=CEM5T4 ,! CONT5T ( ! G5D] ROLES DIFF] WILDLY FROM ONE PATRI>*Y TO ! NEXT1 & AL?\< A DUALITY & SOME K9D ( PRIVILEG+ ( ! MALE HALF >E FEATURES COMMON TO ALL ( !M1 ! MEANS ( 5=CEM5T1 & EV5 ! AVAILABILITY ( C5TRALIZ$ CO]CION TO 5=CE !SE ROLES1 >E 9CONSI/5T4 ,! UNIV]SAL FEATURE ?AT C\LD GU>ANTEE ! REPRODUCTION ( !SE ROLES ) OR )\T 5=CEM5T IS !IR COMPLEM5TALITY4 ,Y\'RE ! SAME AS ME ,BUT :5 IT COMES TO LOVE ,Y\'RE JU/ AS BL9D$ ,PATRI>*Y W\LD EI!R HAVE ABORT$ CAPITALISM OR BE5 ABOLI%$ BY IT LONG AGO IF ITS FUNCTION+ REQUIR$ ?AT ANY P[] OR AUTONOMY REMA9 9 ! H&S ( ITS MALE HALF4 ,CAPITALISM CAN BROOK NO 9DEP5D5CE4 ,NO RADICAL FEM9I/ CAN D5Y ?IS4 ,YET A MISUND]/&+ ( PRIVILEGE HAS DONE EV]YONE A DISS]VICE1 BY PA9T+ WOM5 AS TOO WEAK TO BREAK \T ( ?IS SY/EM IF !Y ACTUALLY WANT$ TO1 & M5 AS ! MON/]S :O KEEP ! :OLE ?+ GO+4 ,PRIVILEGE MEANS1 AMONG O!R ?+S1 ?AT MALE P]SPECTIVES & EXP]I5CES >E ! DEFAULT1 BUT ?IS C\LD ONLY BE POSSIBLE )9 AN OPPRESSIVE SY/EM IF IT W]E IMPOSSIBLE = M5 TO LIVE )9 !IR [N PRESCRIB$ EXP]I5CES4 ,9 O!R WORDS1 MALE P]SPECTIVES >E ! DEFAULT1 BUT !Y DO NOT BELONG TO OR S]VE ! 9T]E/S ( ?OSE CATEGORIZ$ AS MALE4 ,& ?IS IS EXACTLY H[ IT WORKS4 ,AS AN OPPRESSIVE NETWORK SY/EM ?AT SUPPLEM5TS /RUCTURALLY 5=C$ HI]>*IES 7SU* AS CAPITALISM & ! ,/ATE71 PATRI>*Y FUNCTIONS LIKE AN ADDICTION1 BY FO/]+ DEP5D5CY1 CA/+ 9COMPLETE P>TS TO SEEK COMPLETION 9 AN IMPOSSIBLE WAY1 & 9 SO DO+ TO >TICULATE A WEB ( MUTUAL !FT OR DE/RUCTION ( VALUE4 ,IT IS1 IF Y\ WILL1 A SC>CITY MA*9E1 9 :I* PEOPLE KEEP ! TREADMILLS RUNN+ BY /EAL+ FROM ?OSE CLOSE/ TO !M TO FILL !IR [N HOLES1 LIKE F\R PEOPLE 9 A B$ ) A BLANKET BIG 5\< = TWO4 ,LOVE IS ?IS MA*9E'S DYNAMO4 ,ITS VIOL5CE >ISES :5 PEOPLE CAN'T LIVE )\T EXACTLY :AT IS DE/ROY+ !M1 :5 ONE ?9KS HE IS COMPLET+ ANO!R & ACTUALLY HE IS FILL+ UP HIS HOLE BY EVISC]AT+ ! O!R4 ,Y\ EV] LOVE SOMEBODY SO MU* ,Y\ CAN B>ELY BREA! ,:5 Y\'RE ) !M "9 "9 "9 ,I TOLD H] FROM ! BEG9N+ ?AT ,I DIDN'T ?9K MONOGAMY WAS HEAL?Y 9 A ROMANTIC RELATION%IP1 AT LEA/ = ME4 ,%E CONSID]$ ?IS AN UNHEAL?Y1 SELFI% ATTITUDE4 ,CONSEQU5TLY1 %E WAS ALWAYS RI*$ ! FILES ON MY COMPUT]1 SCREAM$ AT ME1 9 ORD] TO DISCOV] MY 9FIDELITIES4 ,& :5 %E BROKE ! RULES %E H]SELF HAD LAID D[N1 IT WAS ONLY AN ]ROR CAUS$ BY ! /RESS ( LOV+ A SELFI% BA/>D4 ,\R [N IMP]FECTIONS >E ALWAYS EASY TO UND]/&4 ,H[ LONG IT TOOK ME TO DISCOV] ?AT HEAL?Y LOVE IS ONLY POSSIBLE :5 WE TAKE RESPONSIBILITY = \R [N EMOTIONS -- EXPROPRIATE !M FROM !SE NETWORKS ( CODEP5D5CY1 AS IT W]E4 ,& 9 FACT ,I CAN BE MO/ GRATEFUL TO ! LOV]S :O TREAT$ ME LIKE %IT1 = TEA*+ ME ?IS4 ,!Y TOOK GOOD C>E ( !MSELVES4 ,BEYOND ?AT3 0,IF WE MEET1 IT'S M>VEL\S4 ,IF NOT1 ?AT'S ALRIE ( MYSELF1 & NOT DEM& ANY?+ ( O!RS BUT :AT !Y GAVE AS A GIFT1 OR ,I C\LD *OOSE TO BE A VICTIM4 ,I *OSE ! =M]1 & \R LOVE EXI/$ :]E WE CO9CID$4 ,:5 WE /OPP$ CO9CID+1 WE W5T \R SEP>ATE WAYS1 EA* /RONG] & WIS]4 ,WE LOVE 9 ORD] TO DE/ROY \RSELVES1 & BUILD \RSELVES BACK UP AGA91 A HE>TBROK5 FRI5D TELLS ME 9 A MOM5T ( HOPE4 "9 "9 "9 ,ONCE ! AFFAIR IS OV]1 WE'RE FREE1 UNTIL ! 5D ( \R DAYS1 TO ?9K AB\T ! P]SON WE LOV$1 TO C>E AB\T !M1 TO WI% !M WELL1 TO WOND] :AT P>T ( \RSELVES MU/ BE BROK5 ?AT IT TURN$ \T ?IS WAY1 TO MALIGN ! NATURE ( \R LOVE ?AT IT BECAME A WEAPON AGA9/ \R LOV]2 :]E IT %\LD HAVE COMPLET$1 IT ONLY HURT & CONTROLL$1 & WE WILL NEV] BE ABLE TO MAKE IT RIE IMPLICITLY PR$ICAT$ ON ! IDEA ( HUMAN FRAGILITY4 ,LOVE RUNS P]PETUALLY FROM A FE> ( LONEL9ESS1 BUT ONLY BY EMBRAC+ ?IS LONEL9ESS & -- NOT CONQU]+ IT2 IT WILL NEV] BE CONQU]$ -- MAKE \R PEACE ) IT1 CAN WE LOVE NOT AS A P>ASITE BUT AS ONE CREAT+ A JOY\S PROJECT AMONG COMPANIONS4 ,ACC\NTABILITY1 MEAN:ILE1 (T5 UNKN[+LY FO/]S MORAL & JUDICIAL FRAMEWORKS ( BLAME4 ,9 ?IS P>ADIGM1 PO9T+ \T ?AT PATRI>*Y IS P>TICIPATORY WILL BE 9T]PRET$ NOT AS ! FIR/ /EP T[>DS A /RATEGY ( LIB]ATION1 BUT AS BLAM+ ! VICTIM4 ,?IS DEF5SIV5ESS IS P]FECTLY UND]/&ABLE1 GIV5 H[ JUDICIAL PROCESSES IMPOSE !MSELVES ON US1 & 9 !SE PROCESSES ! P]SON ) LESS SOCIAL PRIVILEGE USUALLY TAKES ! BLAME = :ATEV] DISORD] HAS 9T]RUPT$ ! ILLUSION ( SOCIAL PEACE4 ,BUT IF :AT WE >E SETT+ UP IS NOT A C\R?\SE BUT A COMMUNE1 A CONSPIRACY AMONG FRI5DS1 ! EMBODIM5T ( \R DREAMS1 WE HAVE TO P]MIT \RSELVES TO TALK AB\T ?+S ?AT C\LD NEV] BE SAID 9 A SOCIETY 9 :I* 0EV]Y?+ Y\ SAY WILL BE US$ AGA9/ Y\40 ,ONE ( !SE UNM5TIONABLES IS ?AT SOMETIMES WE *OOSE TO BE ABUS$4 ,SOMETIMES IT FEELS GOOD4 ,SOMETIMES WE 0LIKE ! WAY IT HURTS40 ,AS WE MOVE FROM A WORLD ( IMPOS$ DESIRES & ADDICTIVE RELATION%IPS TO ONE 9 :I* RELATION%IPS EXPRESS \R P>ADOXICAL AG5CY & 9DEP5D5CE AS SUBJECTS ( ! WORLD & 9T]LAC$ HUBS 9 A NETWORK ( MUTUAL AID1 PLAY CAN BE AS IMPORTANT A TOOL AS DE/RUCTION4 ,PATRI>*Y IS A GAME ?AT SOLIDIFI$ & =GOT ITS [N RULES4 ,QUE] !ORY & SOME ( ! LIB]T>IAN PSY*OLOGI/S :O PREC$$ IT HAVE TAUMLESS TO US4 ,WE >E NOT SO FRAGILE ?AT BY HAV+ \R P>TN] TIE US UP & HAV+ H] :IP US OR *OKE US ) A DILDO WE LOSE SOME?+ TO H]1 WE BECOME DOM9AT$4 ,A CONS5SUAL SC5>IO IS A WORLD AP>T FROM AN ABUSIVE RELATION%IP1 BUT ! HIDD5 CONNECTION BETWE5 ! TWO1 & ! ONE ?+ ?AT W\LD ALL[ US TO MOVE FROM ! LATT] TO ! =M]1 IS ?AT 9 BO? SITUATIONS WE HAVE AG5CY1 :E!R WE RECOGNIZE IT OR NOT1 & ?AT \R [N DESIRES MAY WELL BE CONTRADICTORY & FRIE ! ,EM9EM SONG TO 0,KISS ) A ,FI/0 BY ,FLOR5CE & ! ,MA*9E4 ,?\< ! S+] CROONS ?AT 0,A KISS ) A FI/ IS BETT] ?AN NONE10 &1 JU/ LIKE ,EM9EM1 PROMISES TO SET H] LOV]'S B$ ON FIRE1 ONLY A DOGMATIC SECOND-WAV] C\LD CLAIM 0,KISS ,) A ,FI/0 IS A FUCK$ UP SONG ?AT APOLOGIZES = ABUSE OR VICTIMIZATION4 ,I BROKE Y\R JAW ONCE BE=E ,I SPREAD Y\R BLOOD UPON ! FLOOR Y\ BROKE MY LEG 9 RETURN SO ,I SIT BACK & WAT* ! B$ BURN LOVE /ICKS1 SWEAT DRIPS1 BREAK ! LOCK IF IT DON'T FIT .<0,KISS ,) A ,FI/0.> ,! ,EM9EM SONG FRIN+ FROM A SEEM+LY 9CURABLE SITUATION4 ,JUDGM5T MAKES LE>N+ IMPOSSIBLE4 ,! JUDGE IS ! GREATE/ FOOL 9 ! /ATI/ PAN!ON1 BECAUSE ONE CANNOT LE>N FROM ?OSE ONE CONDEMNS4 ,! PICTURE PA9T$ 9 0,LOVE ! ,WAY ,Y\ ,LIE0 REVEALS ! VIOL5CE ( LOVE NOT AS A HI]>*Y BUT AS A CYCLE4 ,P]HAPS :AT IS NE$$ TO *ANGE ?IS CYCLE IS ! RECOGNITION ?AT ABUSE IS A FUNCTION ( DEP5D5CY & N[ADAYS DEP5D5CY IS P]FECTLY NORMAL1 BUT IT IS ALSO AN EXPRESSION ( \R 9DIVIDUAL AG5CY2 :AT WE NE$ IS NO LESS ?AN TO BE EXCEPTIONAL4 ,QUE/ION+ ,RAPE BY ,ANONYM\S ,COM+ ,TO ,T]MS ,H[ DO Y\ BEG9 TO SAY1 0,I ?9K WE'VE BE5 GO+ AB\T ?IS ALL WRONG80 ,H[ DO Y\ GET \T ( A DEAD-5D )\T GO+ 9 REV]SE8 ,IT SEEMS LIKE 9 ! LA/ FIFTE5 YE>S1 RAPE HAS GONE FROM BE+ AN ISSUE ?AT WAS ONLY TALK$ AB\T BY FEM9I/S & D[NPLAY$ 9 O!R RADICAL COMMUNITIES1 TO ONE ( ! MO/ COMMONLY ADDRESS$ =MS ( OPPRESSION4 ,P>T ( ?IS *ANGE MID WORK ( FEM9I/ & QUE] ACTIVI/S1 ANO!R P>T TO ! SPREAD ( AN>*ISM1 ) ITS HEAVY EMPHASIS ON BO? CLASS & G5D] POLITICS1 & ANO!R P>T TO ! ANTIGLOBALIZATION MOVEM5T1 :I* BR\AT$ S+LE ISSUES4 ,DESPITE ALL ! *ANGES 9 FIFTE5 YE>S1 ITS JU/ AS COMMON TO HE> ! S5TIM5T ?AT RAPE IS /ILL TACITLY P]MITT$ 9 RADICAL COMMUNITIES OR ?AT ! ISSUES ( G5D] & PATRI>*Y >E M9IMIZ$1 EV5 ?\< 9 MO/ ACTIVI/ OR AN>*I/ CONF]5CES & DI/ROS ,I KN[ AB\T1 RAPE CULTURE & PATRI>*Y HAVE BE5 AMONG ! MO/ TALK$ AB\T TOPICS1 & IT WASN'T JU/ TALK4 ,9 ! COMMUNITIES ,I HAVE BE5 A P>T ( !RE HAVE BE5 CASES ( ACCUS$ RAPI/S OR ABUS]S BE+ KICK$ \T & SURVIVORS BE+ SUPPORT$1 ALONG ) PL5TY ( FEM9I/ ACTIVITIES1 EV5TS1 & ACTIONS4 ,ALL ! SAME1 EV]Y YE> ,I MEET MORE PEOPLE :O HAVE /ORIES ( COMMUNITIES TORN AP>T BY ACCUSATIONS ( RAPE OR ABUSE1 BO? BY ! %OCK & TRAUMA ( ! ORIG9AL H>M1 & !N BY ! WAY PEOPLE HAVE RESPOND$ & POSITION$ !MSELVES4 ,ONE OPTION IS TO BLAME A PASSIVE MAJORITY ?AT TOE ! L9E1 GIV+ LIP S]VICE TO ! NEW POLITICALLY CORRECT DOCTR9E1 )\T LIV+ UP TO !IR IDEALS4 ,9 SOME CASES ,I ?9K ?AT IS EXACTLY :AT HAPP5$4 ,BUT EV5 :5 !RE IS FULL COMMUNITY SUPPORT1 IT /ILL (T5 GOES WRONG4 ,AFT] YE>S ( ?9K+ AB\T ?IS PROBLEM1 LE>N+ AB\T O!R PEOPLE'S EXP]I5CES1 & WITNESS+ ACC\NTABILITY PROCESSES FROM ! M>G9S & FROM ! C5T]1 ,I /RONGLY BELIEVE ?AT ! MODEL WE HAVE = UND]/&+ & RESPOND+ TO RAPE IS DEEPLY FLAW$4 ,= A LONG TIME ,I HAVE HE>D CRITICISMS ( ?IS MODEL1 BUT ON ! ONE H& ,I NEV] F\ND A DETAIL$ EXPLANATION ( !SE CRITICISMS & ON ! O!R ,I WAS TRA9$ TO ASSUME ?AT ANYONE CRITICIZ+ ! MODEL WAS AN APOLOGI/ = RAPE1 GO+ ON ! DEF5SIVE BECAUSE !IR [N PATRI>*AL ATTITUDES W]E BE+ CALL$ \T4 ,AFT] P]SONALLY MEET+ A NUMB] ( CRITICAL PEOPLE :O W]E !MSELVES LONGTIME FEM9I/S & SURVIVORS1 ,I />T$ TO S]I\SLY QUE/ION MY ASSUMPTIONS4 ,S9CE !N1 ,I HAVE COME TO ! CONCLUSION ?AT ! WAY WE UND]/& & DEAL ) RAPE IS ALL WRONG & IT (T5 CAUSES MORE H>M ?AN GOOD4 ,BUT MANY ( ! FEATURES ( ! CURR5T MODEL W]E S5SIBLE RESPONSES TO ! ,LEFT ?AT DIDN'T GIVE A DAMN AB\T RAPE & PATRI>*Y4 ,MAYBE ! BIGGE/ FAULT ( ! MODEL1 & ! ACTIVI/S :O DEVELOP$ IT1 IS ?AT EV5 ?\< !Y REJECT$ ! MORE OBVI\S PATRI>*AL ATTITUDES ( ! TRADITIONAL ,LEFT1 !Y UNCONSCI\SLY 9CLUD$ A M5TALITY ( PURITANISM & LAW & ORD] ?AT PATRI>*AL SOCIETY TRA9S US 94 ,I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO A COMPLICIT SIL5CE ON !SE ISSUES4 ,= ?AT REASON1 ,I WANT TO BALANCE EV]Y CRITICISM ,I MAKE ( ! CURR5T MODEL ) SUGGE/ION = A BETT] WAY TO UND]/& & DEAL ) RAPE4 ,MY ,EXP]I5CE ,:5 ,I WAS 9 A MUTUALLY ABUSIVE RELATION%IP1 ONE 9 :I* BO? ( US W]E DO+ ?+S WE %\LD NOT HAVE DONE1 )\T BE+ DIRECTLY AW>E ( IT1 ?AT RESULT$ 9 CAUS+ S]I\S PSY*OLOGICAL H>M TO ! O!R P]SON1 ,I LE>N$ SOME 9T]E/+ ?+S AB\T ! LABEL ( 0SURVIVOR40 ,IT REPRES5TS A P[] ?AT IS AT ODDS ) ! PROCESS ( HEAL+4 ,IF ,I WAS CALL$ \T = ABUSE1 ,I BECAME A MORALLY CONTEMPTIBLE P]SON4 ,BUT IF ,I W]E ALSO A SURVIVOR1 ,I SUDD5LY DES]V$ SYMPA?Y & SUPPORT4 ,NONE ( ?IS DEP5D$ ON ! FACTS ( ! SITUATION1 ON H[ WE ACTUALLY HURT EA* O!R4 ,9 FACT1 NO ONE ELSE KNEW ( ! DETAILS1 & EV5 ! TWO ( US C\LD NOT AGREE ON !M4 ,! ONLY ?+ ?AT MATT]$ WAS TO MAKE AN ACCUSATION4 ,& AS ! ACTIVI/ MODEL QUICKLY TAUE ( IT AT ! TIME4 ,BUT ,I HAD TO TURN MY PA9 & ANG] ) ! O!R P]SON 9TO ACCUSATIONS ACCORD+ TO A SPECIFIC LANGUAGE1 OR ,I W\LD BECOME A P>IAH & UND]GO A MU* GREAT] H>M ?AN ! SELF-DE/RUCTION ( ?IS ONE RELATION%IP4 ,! FACT ?AT ,I COME FROM AN ABUSIVE FAMILY C\LD ALSO W9 ME ADDITIONAL PO9TS4 ,EV]YONE1 EV5 ?OSE :O DO NOT ADMIT IT1 KN[ ?AT )9 ?IS SY/EM HAV+ SUFF]$ ABUSE 9 Y\R PA/ GRANTS Y\ A SORT ( LEGITIMACY1 EV5 AN EXCUSE = H>M+ SOMEONE ELSE4 ,BUT ,I DON'T WANT AN EXCUSE4 ,I WANT TO GET BETT]1 & ,I WANT TO LIVE )\T P]PETUAT+ PATRI>*Y4 ,I SURE AS HELL DON'T WANT TO TALK AB\T PA9FUL /ORIES FROM MY PA/ ) PEOPLE :O >E NOT UNCONDITIONALLY SYMPA!TIC T[>DS ME1 AS ! ONLY WAY TO W9 !IR SYMPA?Y & BECOME A HUMAN 9 !IR EYES4 ,AS = ! O!R P]SON1 ,I DON'T KN[ :AT WAS GO+ ON 9 !IR HEAD1 BUT ,I DO KN[ ?AT !Y W]E ABLE TO D5Y EV] H>M+ ME1 VIOLAT+ MY CONS5T1 VIOLAT+ MY AUTONOMY1 & LY+ TO ME1 BY MAK+ ! ACCUSATION ( ABUSE4 ,! LABEL ( 0SURVIVOR0 PROTECT$ !M FROM ACC\NTABILITY4 ,IT ALSO 5ABL$ !M TO MAKE DEM&S ( ME1 ALL ( :I* ,I MET1 EV5 ?\< SOME ( ?OSE DEM&S W]E H>MFUL TO ME & O!R PEOPLE4 ,BECAUSE ,I HAD NOT *OS5 TO MAKE MY ACCUSATION PUBLICLY1 ,I HAD MU* LESS P[] TO PROTECT MYSELF 9 ?IS SITUATION4 ,& AS = ! SO-CALL$ COMMUNITY1 ?OSE :O W]E GOOD FRI5DS SUPPORT$ ME4 ,SOME ( !M QUE/ION$ ME & MADE SURE ,I WAS GO+ ?R\< A PROCESS ( SELF-CRITICISM4 ,?OSE :O W]E NOT FRI5DS OR :O HELD GRUDGES AGA9/ ME TRI$ TO EXCLUDE ME1 9CLUD+ ONE P]SON :O HAD PREVI\SLY BE5 CALL$ \T = ABUSE4 ,9 O!R WORD1 ! ACCUSATION ( ABUSE WAS US$ AS AN OPPORTUNITY = P[] PLAYS )9 \R SO-CALL$ COMMUNITY4 ,= ALL ITS CLAIMS AB\T GIV+ IMPORTANCE TO FEEL+S1 ! ACTIVI/ MODEL IS COD$ ) TOTAL APA?Y4 ,! ONLY WAY TO GET ! BALL ( COMMUNITY ACC\NTABILITY ROLL+ IS TO ACCUSE SOMEONE ( COMMITT+ A SPECIFIC CRIME4 ,! ROLE ( \R MO/ TRU/$ FRI5DS 9 QUE/ION+ \R RESPONSES1 \R IMPULSES1 & EV5 \R [N EXP]I5CES IS 9VALUABLE4 ,?IS =M ( QUE/ION+ IS 9 FACT ONE ( ! MO/ PRECI\S ?+S ?AT FRI5D%IP (F]S4 ,NO ONE IS 9FALLIBLE & WE CAN ONLY LE>N & GR[ BY BE+ QUE/ION$4 ,A GOOD FRI5D IS ONE :O CAN QUE/ION Y\R BEHAVIOR 9 A DIFFICULT TIME )\T EV] )DRAW+ !IR SUPPORT = Y\4 ,! IDEA ?AT 0! SURVIVOR IS ALWAYS RIGE ( !IR [N HEAL+ PROCESS1 BUT ?OSE :O SUPPORT !M CANNOT BE MUT$ & EXPECT$ TO HELP !M FULFILL !IR EV]Y WI%4 ,?IS IS A OBVI\S 9 ! CASE ( SOMEONE :O HAS H>M$ SOMEONE ELSE IT %\LD ALSO BE CLE> 9 ! CASE ( SOMEONE :O HAS BE5 H>M$ ,WE NE$ EA* O!R TO HEAL4 ,BUT ! O!RS 9 A HEAL+ PROCESS CANNOT BE MUT$ BODIES4 ,!Y MU/ BE COMMUNICATIVE & CRITICAL BODIES4 ,P]P_/,SURVIVOR ,! T]M 0P]PETRATOR0 %\LD SET (F AL>M BELLS RIY BUT ALSO ! GRAMM> ( ! CRIM9AL JU/ICE SY/EM1 :I* IS A PATRI>*AL 9/ITUTION ?R\< & ?R\<4 ,?IS MAKES P]FECT S5SE3 LAW & ORD] IS ONE ( ! MO/ DEEPLY ROOT$ ELEM5TS ( ! ,AM]ICAN PSY*E1 & MORE IMM$IATELY1 MANY FEM9I/ ACTIVI/S HAVE ONE FOOT 9 RADICAL COMMUNITIES & ANO!R FOOT 9 ,N,G,OS4 ,! LACK ( A CRITIQUE ( !SE ,N,G,OS ONLY MAKES IT MORE C]TA9 ?AT !Y WILL TRA9 US 9 9/ITUTIONAL MODES ( ?9K+4 ,! CURR5T ME?OD IS NOT ONLY REPULSIVE = ITS PURITANISM & ITS SIMIL>ITY TO ! ,*RI/IAN NOTIONS ( ! ELECT & ! DAMN$2 IT IS ALSO A CONTRADICTION ( QUE]1 FEM9I/1 & AN>*I/ UND]/&+S ( PATRI>*Y4 ,IF EV]YONE OR MO/ PEOPLE >E CAPABLE ( CAUS+ H>M1 BE+ ABUSIVE1 OR EV5 ( RAP+ SOMEONE 7ACCORD+ TO ! ACTIVI/ DEF9ITION :I* CAN 9CLUDE NOT RECOGNIZ+ LACK ( CONS5T1 UNLIKE ! TRADITIONAL DEF9ITION :I* FOCUSES ON VIOL5T RAPE71 !N IT MAKES NO S5SE TO MORALLY /IGMATIZE ?OSE PEOPLE AS ?\< !Y W]E ESPECIALLY BAD OR DANG]\S4 ,! PO9T WE >E TRY+ TO MAKE IS NOT ?AT ! RELATIVELY FEW PEOPLE :O >E CALL$ \T = ABUSE OR EV5 = RAPE >E ESPECIALLY EVIL1 BUT ?AT ! 5TIRE CULTURE SUPPORTS SU* P[] DYNAMICS1 TO ! EXT5T ?AT !SE =MS ( H>M >E COMMON4 ,BY TAK+ A SELF-RI*AL N>RATIVE ( VILLA91 VICTIM1 & SAVIOR1 ?\< 9 ! LATT] ROLE1 9/EAD ( ! BOYFRI5D OR POLICE (FIC]1 WE N[ HAVE ! COMMUNITY4 ,! T]M 0SURVIVOR10 ON ! O!R H&1 CONT9UES TO RECREATE ! VICTIMIZATION ( ! /&>D T]M1 0VICTIM10 ?AT IT WAS DESIGN$ TO REPLACE4 ,ONE REASON = CALL+ SOMEONE A 0SURVIVOR0 IS TO FOCUS ON !IR PROCESS ( OV]COM+ ! RAPE1 EV5 ?\< IT DEF9ES !M P]PETUALLY 9 RELATION TO IT4 ,! O!R REASON IS TO SPREAD AW>5ESS ( H[ MANY ?\S&S ( PEOPLE1 PR$OM9ATELY WOM51 QUE]1 & TRANS PEOPLE1 >E 9JUR$ OR KILL$ EV]Y YE> BY PATRI>*AL VIOL5CE4 ,?IS IS AN IMPORTANT PO9T TO MAKE4 ,H[EV]1 GIV5 ! WAY ?AT RAPE HAS BE5 R$EF9$ 9 ACTIVI/ CIRCLES1 & ! EXT5SION ( ! T]M 0SURVIVOR0 TO PEOPLE :O SUFF] ANY =M ( ABUSE1 ! VA/ MAJORITY ( ?+S ?AT CON/ITUTE RAPE OR ABUSE DO NOT HAVE ! SLIM ,HOPEFULLY1 ! READ] IS ?9K+ ?AT AN ACTION DOES NOT NE$ TO BE POT5TIALLY LE?AL TO CON/ITUTE A V]Y REAL =M ( H>M4 ,I ABSOLUTELY AGREE4 ,BUT IF ?AT'S ! CASE1 :Y DO WE NE$ TO MAKE IT S\ND LIKE IT DOES 9 ORD] TO TAKE IT S]I\SLY8 ,:Y CONNECT ALL =MS ( H>M TO LIFE-?REAT5+ H>M 9/EAD ( COMMUNICAT+ ?AT ALL =MS ( H>M >E S]I\S8 ,AS = !SE CRIMES1 !IR DEF9ITIONS HAVE *ANG$ CONSID]ABLY1 BUT !Y /ILL REMA9 CATEGORIES ( CRIM9ALITY ?AT MU/ MEET ! REQUIREM5TS ( A C]TA9 DEF9ITION TO JU/IFY A C]TA9 PUNI%M5T4 ,! ACTIVI/ MODEL HAS BE5 MO/ RADICAL BY REMOV+ ! FIGURE ( ! JUDGE & ALL[+ ! P]SON H>M$ TO JUDGE = !MSELVES4 ,H[EV]1 ! JUDGE ROLE HAS NOT BE5 ABOLI%$1 SIMPLY TRANSF]R$ TO ! SURVIVOR1 & SECOND>ILY TO ! PEOPLE :O MANAGE ! ACC\NTABILITY PROCESS4 ,! ACT ( JUDG+ /ILL TAKES PLACE1 BECAUSE WE >E /ILL DEAL+ ) PUNI%M5T = A CRIME1 EV5 IF IT IS NEV] CALL$ ?AT4 ,! PATRI>*AL DEF9ITION ( RAPE HAS BE5 AB&ON$ 9 FAVOR ( A NEW UND]/&+ ?AT DEF9ES RAPE AS SEX )\T CONS5T1 ) :OLE WORK%OPS & PAMPHLETS D$ICAT$ TO ! QUE/ION ( CONS5T4 ,CONS5T MU/ BE AFFIRMATIVE RA!R ?AN ! ABS5CE ( A NEGATIVE1 IT IS CANCEL$ BY 9TOXICATION1 9TIMIDATION1 OR P]SI/5CE1 IT %\LD BE V]BAL & EXPLICIT BETWE5 PEOPLE :O DON'T KN[ EA* O!R AS WELL1 & IT CAN BE )DRAWN AT ANY TIME4 ,! EXP]I5CE ( A SURVIVOR CAN NEV] BE QUE/ION$1 OR TO PUT IT ANO!R WAY AN ACCUSATION ( RAPE IS ALWAYS TRUE4 ,A SIMIL> =MULATION ?AT SUMS UP ?IS DEF9ITION IS1 0ASSAULT IS :5 ,I FEEL ASSAULT$40 ,DI/+UI%+ ,RAPE & ,ABUSE ,I DON'T WANT TO DI/+UI% RAPE FROM O!R =MS ( H>M )\T TALK+ AB\T H[ TO ADDRESS ALL 9/ANCES ( H>M APPROPRIATELY4 ,ONE SOLUTION ?AT DOES NOT REQUIRE US TO JUDGE :I* =M ( H>M IS MORE IMPORTANT1 BUT ALSO DOES NOT PRET5D !Y >E ALL ! SAME1 W\LD HAVE TWO P>TS4 ,! FIR/ P>T IS TO F9ALLY ACKN[L$GE ! IMPORTANCE ( FEEL+S1 BY TAK+ ACTION :5 SOMEONE SAYS 0,I HAVE BE5 HURT10 & NOT WAIT+ UNTIL SOMEONE MAKES AN ACCUSATION ( A SPECIFIC CRIME1 SU* AS ABUSE OR RAPE4 ,BECAUSE WE >E RESPOND+ TO ! FACT ( H>M & NOT ! VIOLATION ( AN UNWRITT5 LAW1 WE DO NOT NE$ TO LOOK = SOMEONE TO BLAME4 ,! IMPORTANT ?+ IS ?AT SOMEONE IS HURT+1 & !Y NE$ SUPPORT4 ,ONLY IF !Y DISCOV] ?AT !Y CANNOT GET BETT] UNLESS !Y GO ?R\< SOME =M ( M$IATION ) ! O!R P]SON OR UNLESS !Y GA9 SPACE & DI/ANCE FROM !M1 DOES ?AT O!R P]SON NE$ TO BE BR\E AVOID$4 ,! SECOND P>T *ANGES ! EMPHASIS FROM DEF9+ VIOLATIONS ( CONS5T TO FOCUS+ ON H[ TO PREV5T !M FROM HAPP5+ AGA94 ,EV]Y ACT ( H>M CAN BE LOOK$ AT ) ! FOLL[+ QUE/ION 9 M9D3 0,:AT W\LD HAVE BE5 NECESS>Y TO PREV5T ?IS FROM HAPP5+40 ,?IS QUE/ION NE$S TO BE ASK$ BY ! P]SON :O WAS H>M$1 BY !IR SOCIAL CIRCLE1 & IF POSSIBLE BY ! P]SON :O CAUS$ ! H>M4 ,! SOCIAL CIRCLE IS MO/ LIKELY TO BE ABLE TO ANSW] ?IS QUE/ION :5 ! H>M RELATES TO LONG-T]M RELATION%IPS OR %>$ SOCIAL SPACES4 ,!Y MI$ !Y W\LD HAVE SE5 ! SIGNS ( AN ABUSIVE RELATION%IP1 EXPRESS$ !IR CONC]N1 & (F]$ HELP4 ,OR !Y MIE A NUMB] ( ?+S !Y CAN ALL DO TO MAKE IT CLE> ?AT GROP+ & H>ASS+ IS NOT ACCEPTABLE4 ,BUT 9 SOME SITUATIONS !Y CAN ONLY (F] HELP AFT] ! FACT4 ,!Y CANNOT BE 9 EV]Y B$ROOM OR ON EV]Y D>K /REET TO PREV5T =MS ( G5D] VIOL5CE OR 9TIMATE VIOL5CE ?AT HAPP5 !RE4 ,9 ! CASE ( ! P]SON :O CAUS$ ! H>M1 ! BIGGE/ FACTOR IS :E!R !Y >E EMOTIONALLY PRES5T TO ASK !MSELVES ?IS QUE/ION4 ,IF !Y CAN ASK1 0:AT C\LD ,I HAVE DONE TO NOT HAVE HURT ?IS P]SON10 !Y HAVE TAK5 ! MO/ IMPORTANT /EP TO ID5TIFY+ !IR [N PATRI>*AL CONDITION+1 & TO HEAL+ FROM UNRESOLV$ PA/ TRAUMA IF ?AT'S AN ISSUE4 ,IF !Y >E EMOTIONALLY PRES5T TO ! H>M !Y HAVE CAUS$1 !Y DES]VE SUPPORT4 ,?OSE CLOSE/ TO ! P]SON !Y HURT MAY RIMFUL4 ,SOMETIMES1 RELATION%IPS SIMPLY HURT1 & IT IS NOT NECESS>Y TO F9D SOMEONE TO BLAME1 ?\< ?IS IS (T5 ! T5D5CY1 JU/IFI$ OR NOT4 ,! FACT ?AT SOME RELATION%IPS >E EXTREMELY HURTFUL BUT ALSO TOTALLY 9NOC5T IS ANO!R REASON :Y IT IS DANG]\S TO LUMP ALL =MS ( H>M TOGE!R1 PRESUPPOS+ !M ALL TO BE ! RESULT ( AN ACT ( ABUSE = :I* SOMEONE IS RESPONSIBLE4 ,IF !IR FRI5DS >E BO? CRITICAL & SYMPA!TIC1 !Y >E MO/ LIKELY TO BE ABLE TO RECOGNIZE :5 !Y DID SOME?+ WRONG1 & TOGE!R ) !IR FRI5DS1 !Y >E ! ONES 9 ! BE/ POSITION TO KN[ H[ TO *ANGE !IR BEHAVIOR SO !Y DON'T CAUSE SIMIL> H>M 9 ! FUTURE4 ,IF !IR FRI5DS HAVE GOOD CONTACT ) ! P]SON :O WAS HURT 7OR ?AT P]SON'S FRI5DS71 !Y >E MORE LIKELY TO TAKE ! SITUATION S]I\SLY & NOT LET ! P]SON :O CAUS$ ! H>M (F ! HOOK ) A B&-AID SOLUTION4 ,?IS NEW DEF9ITION IS A RESPONSE TO ! PATRI>*AL DEF9ITION1 :I* EXCUSES ! MO/ COMMON =MS ( RAPE 7RAPE BY ACQUA9TANCES1 RAPE ( SOMEONE UNABLE TO GIVE CONS5T1 RAPE 9 :I* SOMEONE DOES NOT CLE>LY SAY 0NO074 ,IT IS A RESPONSE TO A PATRI>*AL CULTURE ?AT WAS ALWAYS MAK+ EXCUSES = RAPE OR BLAM+ ! VICTIM4 ,! OLD DEF9ITION & ! OLD CULTURE >E ABHORR5T4 ,BUT ! NEW DEF9ITION & ! PRACTICE >\ND IT DO NOT WORK4 ,WE NE$ TO *ANGE !SE )\T GO+ BACK TO ! PATRI>*AL NORM4 ,9 FACT1 WE HAV5'T FULLY LEFT ! PATRI>*AL NORM BEH9D US4 ,SAY+ 0ASSAULT IS :5 ,I FEEL ASSAULT$0 IS ONLY A NEW WAY TO DET]M9E :5 ! CRIME ( ASSAULT HAS BE5 COMMITT$1 KEEP+ ! FOCUS ON ! TRANSGRESSION ( ! ASSAULT]1 !N WE /ILL HAVE ! M5TALITY ( ! CRIM9AL JU/ICE SY/EM1 BUT )\T ! CONCEPT ( JU/ICE OR BALANCE4 ,AT ! O!R EXTREME1 !RE >E PEOPLE :O ACT 9EXCUSABLY & >E TOTALLY UNABLE TO ADMIT IT4 ,SIMPLY PUT1 IF SOMEONE HURTS ANO!R P]SON & !Y >E NOT EMOTIONALLY PRES5T 9 ! AFT]MA?1 SIMPLY PUT1 IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO TAKE !IR FEEL+S 9TO CONSID]ATION4 ,Y\ CAN'T SAVE SOMEONE :O DOESN'T WANT HELP4 ,9 SU* A CASE1 ! P]SON HURT & !IR SOCIAL CIRCLE NE$ TO DO :AT IS BE/ = !MSELVES1 BO? TO HEAL & TO PROTECT !MSELVES FROM A P]SON !Y HAVE NO GU>ANTEE WILL TREAT !M WELL 9 ! FUTURE4 ,MAYBE !Y WILL DECIDE TO %AME ?AT P]SON1 FRIN+ PROCESS4 ,F9ALLY1 ! MO/ IMPORTANT QUE/ION COMES FROM ! P]SON :O WAS HURT4 ,! VICTIMI/IC M5TALITY ( \R CULTURE1 ALONG ) ! EXPECTATION ?AT EV]YONE IS \T TO BLAME ! VICTIM1 MAKE IT POLITICALLY 9CORRECT TO 9SI/ ! P]SON :O HAS BE5 HURT ASK !MSELVES1 0:AT W\LD HAVE MADE IT POSSIBLE TO AVOID ?IS80 BUT SU* AN ATTITUDE IS NECESS>Y TO OV]COM+ ! VICTIM M5TALITY & FEEL+ EMP[]$ AGA94 ,IT IS HELPFUL = EV]YONE :O LIVES 9 A PATRI>*AL WORLD :]E WE WILL PROBABLY 5C\NT] MORE PEOPLE :O TRY TO H>M US4 ,ITS NOT AB\T BLAM+ \RSELVES = :AT HAPP5$1 BUT AB\T GETT+ /RONG] & MORE ABLE TO DEF5D \RSELVES 9 ! FUTURE4 ,I KN[ ?AT SOME ZEAL\S DEF5D]S ( ! PRES5T MODEL WILL MAKE ! ACCUSATION ?AT ,I AM BLAM+ ! VICTIM1 SO ,I WANT TO SAY ?IS AGA93 IT'S AB\T PREV5T+ FUTURE RAPES & ABUSE1 NOT BLAM+ \RSELVES IF WE HAVE BE5 RAP$ OR ABUS$4 ,! CURR5T MODEL BASICALLY SUGGE/S ?AT PEOPLE PLAY ! ROLE ( VICTIMS & WAIT = SOCIETY OR ! COMMUNITY TO SAVE !M4 ,MANY ( US ?9K ?IS IS BULL%IT4 ,TALK+ ) FRI5DS ( M9E :O HAVE BE5 RAP$ & LOOK+ BACK AT MY [N HI/ORY ( BE+ ABUS$1 ,I KN[ ?AT WE GREW /RONG] 9 C]TA9 WAYS1 & ?IS IS BECAUSE WE TOOK RESPONSIBILITY = \R [N HEAL?Y & SAFETY4 ,9 SOME CASES1 ! P]SON :O WAS HURT WILL F9D ?AT IF !Y HAD RECOGNIZ$ C]TA9 PATT]NS ( DEP5D5CE OR JEAL\SY1 IF !Y HAD HAD MORE SELF-E/EEM1 OR !Y HAD ASS]T$ !MSELVES1 !Y C\LD HAVE AVOID$ BE+ H>M$4 ,UNLESS !Y 9SI/ ON RETA9+ A PURITAN MORALITY ?IS IS NOT TO SAY ?AT IT WAS !IR FAULT4 ,IT IS A SIMPLE RECOGNIZ+ ( H[ !Y NE$ TO GR[ 9 ORD] TO BE SAF] & /RONG] 9 A DANG]\S WORLD4 ,?IS ME?OD FOCUSES NOT ON BLAME1 BUT ON MAK+ ?+S BETT]4 ,! ,MO/ ,EXTREME ,=M ( ,H>M ,SOMETIMES1 H[EV]1 ! P]SON WILL COME TO ! HONE/ CONCLUSION1 0!RE WAS NO?+ ,I C\LD HAVE DONE 7EXCEPT /AY+ HOME _/ HAV+ A GUN _/ HAV+ A BODYGU>D740 ,?IS ANSW] M>KS ! MO/ EXTREME =M ( H>M4 ,SOMEONE HAS SUFF]$ A =M ( VIOL5CE ?AT !Y C\LD NOT HAVE AVOID$ BECAUSE ( ! L5G?S ! AGGRESSOR W5T TO 9 ORD] TO OV]RIDE !IR WILL4 ,EV5 %\T+ 0,NO60 W\LD NOT HAVE BE5 5\<4 ,IT IS A =M ( H>M ?AT CANNOT BE PREV5T$ AT AN 9DIVIDUAL LEVEL & !RE=E IT WILL CONT9UE TO BE REPRODUC$ UNTIL !RE IS A PR(\ND SOCIAL REVOLUTION1 IF ?AT EV] HAPP5S4 ,IF WE HAVE TO DEF9E RAPE1 IT SEEMS MORE CONSI/5T ) A RADICAL ANALYSIS ( PATRI>*Y TO DEF9E RAPE AS SEX AGA9/ SOMEONE'S WILL4 ,BECAUSE WILL IS :AT WE WANT TAK5 9TO ! REALM ( ACTION ?IS IDEA ( RAPE DOES NOT MAKE ! POT5TIAL VICTIM DEP5D5T ON ! GOOD BEHAVIOR ( ! POT5TIAL RAPI/4 ,IT IS \R [N RESPONSIBILITY TO DEPRESS \R WILL4 ,FOCUS+ ON EXPRESS+ & 5ACT+ \R WILL DIRECTLY /R5G!NS \RSELVES AS 9DIVIDUALS & \R /RUGGLES AGA9/ RAPE & ALL O!R =MS ( DOM9ATION4 ,IF RAPE IS ALL SEX )\T AFFIRMATIVE CONS5T1 !N IT IS ! POT5TIAL RAPI/1 & NOT ! POT5TIAL VICTIM1 :O RETA9S ! P[] OV] ! SEXUAL 5C\NT]4 ,!Y HAVE ! RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE SURE ! O!R P]SON GIVES CONS5T4 ,IF IT IS ! SOLE RESPONSIBILITY ( ONE P]SON TO RECEIVE CONS5T FROM ANO!R P]SON1 !N WE >E SAY+ ?AT P]SON IS MORE P[]FUL !N ! O!R1 )\T PROPOS+ H[ TO *ANGE ?OSE P[] DYNAMICS4 ,ADDITIONALLY1 IF A RAPE CAN HAPP5 ACCID5TALLY1 SIMPLY BECAUSE ?IS RESPONSIBLE P]SON1 ! ONE EXPECT$ TO PLAY ! P>T ( ! P]FECT G5TLEMAN1 IS 9ATT5TIVE OR 9S5SITIVE1 OR DRUNK1 OR OBLIVI\S TO ?+S LIKE BODY LANGUAGE ?AT CAN NEGATE V]BAL CONS5T1 OR FROM ANO!R CULTURE ) A DIFF]5T BODY LANGUAGE1 !N WE'RE NOT NECESS>ILY DEAL+ ) A G5]ALIZ$ RELATION%IP ( SOCIAL P[]1 BECAUSE NOT EV]YONE :O RAPES UND] ?IS DEF9ITION BELIEVES !Y HAVE A RIM4 ,WE CAN'T 5C\RAGE ! NAIVE IDEAL ( A H>M-FREE WORLD4 ,PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS HURT EA* O!R1 & IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO LE>N H[ NOT TO HURT O!RS )\T ALSO MAK+ MI/AKES4 ,AS F> AS H>M GOES1 WE NE$ TO BE MORE UND]/&+ ?AN JUDGM5TAL4 ,BUT WE CAN & MU/ 5C\RAGE ! IDEAL ( A WORLD )\T RAPE1 BECAUSE RAPE IS ! RESULT ( A PATRI>*AL SOCIETY TEA*+ ITS MEMB]S ?AT M5 & O!R MORE P[]FUL PEOPLE HAVE A RITIALLY AT ! HE>T ( SLAV]Y1 PROP]TY1 & WORK1 AT ! ROOTS ( ! ,/ATE1 CAPITALISM1 & AU?ORITY4 ,?IS IS A DIVID+ L9E BETWE5 ONE K9D ( VIOL5CE & ALL ! O!R =MS ( ABUSE4 ,IT'S NOT TO SAY ?AT ! O!R =MS ( H>M >E LESS S]I\S OR LESS IMPORTANT4 ,IT IS A RECOGNITION ?AT ! O!R =MS ( H>M CAN BE DEALT ) US+ LESS EXTREME MEASURES4 ,A P]SON OR GR\P ( PEOPLE :O W\LD LEAVE SOMEONE NO ESCAPE CAN ONLY BE DEALT ) ?R\< EXCLUSION & VIOL5CE4 ,!N IT BECOMES A MATT] ( PURE SELF-DEF5SE4 ,9 ALL ! O!R CASES1 !RE IS A POSSIBILITY = MUTUAL GR[? & HEAL+4 ,QUE/ION+ ,RAPE ,SYMPA!TIC OR SUPPORTIVE QUE/ION+ CAN PLAY A KEY ROLE 9 RESPONSES TO ABUSE4 ,IF WE ACCEPT RAPE AS A MORE EXTREME =M ( VIOL5CE ?AT ! P]SON C\LD NOT HAVE REASONABLY AVOID$1 !Y NE$ ! UNQUE/ION+ SUPPORT & LOVE ( !IR FRI5DS4 ,WE NE$ TO $UCATE \RSELVES H[ SY/EMATICALLY PATRI>*Y HAS SIL5C$ ?OSE :O TALK AB\T BE+ RAP$ ?R\< SUSPICION1 DISBELIEF1 OR C\NT] ACCUSATIONS4 ,BUT WE ALSO NE$ TO BE AW>E ?AT !RE HAVE BE5 A SMALL NUMB] ( CASES 9 :I* ACCUSATIONS ( RAPE HAVE NOT BE5 TRUE4 ,NO LIB]AT+ PRACTICE %\LD EV] REQUIRE US TO SURR5D] \R [N CRITICAL JUDGM5T & DEM& ?AT WE FOLL[ A C\RSE ( ACTION WE >E NOT ALL[$ TO QUE/ION4 ,BE+ FALSELY ACCUS$ ( RAPE OR BE+ ACCUS$ 9 A NONTRANSP>5T WAY IS A HEAVILY TRAUMATIZ+ EXP]I5CE4 ,IT IS A F> LESS COMMON OCCURR5CE ?AN VALID ACCUSATIONS ( RAPE ?AT ! ACCUS$ P]SON D5IES1 BUT WE %\LD NEV] HAVE TO OPT = ONE K9D ( H>M 9 ORD] TO AVOID ANO!R4 ,IF IT IS TRUE ?AT RAPI/S EXI/ 9 \R CIRCLES1 IT IS ALSO TRUE ?AT PA?OLOGICAL LI>S EXI/ 9 \R CIRCLES4 ,!RE HAS BE5 AT LEA/ ONE CITY :]E SU* A P]SON MADE A RAPE ACCUSATION TO DISCR$IT ANO!R ACTIVI/4 ,PEOPLE :O C>E AB\T FI*Y WILL NOT SUSPECT SOMEONE ( BE+ A PA?OLOGICAL LI> EV]Y TIME !Y >E UNSURE AB\T A RAPE ACCUSATION4 ,IF Y\ >E CLOSE TO SOMEONE = LONG 5\<1 Y\ WILL 9EVITABLY F9D \T IF !Y >E A FUNDAM5TALLY DI%ONE/ P]SON 7OR IF !Y >E LIKE ! RE/ ( US1 SOMETIMES TRU?FUL1 SOMETIMES LESS SO74 ,!RE=E1 SOMEONE'S CLOSE ACQUA9TANCES1 IF !Y C>E AB\T ! /RUGGLE AGA9/ RAPE CULTURE1 WILL NEV] ACCUSE !M ( LY+ IF !Y SAY !Y'VE BE5 RAP$4 ,BUT (T5 ACCUSATIONS SPREAD BY RUMORS & REA* PEOPLE :O DO NOT P]SONALLY KN[ ! ACCUS] & ! ACCUS$4 ,! CULTURE ( ANONYM\S COMMUNICATION ?R\< RUMORS & ! 9T]NET (T5 CREATE A H>MFUL SITUATION 9 :I* IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO TALK AB\T ACC\NTABILITY OR AB\T ! TRU? ( :AT HAPP5$ 9 A DI/ANT SITUATION4 ,AN>*I/S & O!R ACTIVI/S ALSO HAVE MANY 5EMIES :O HAVE PROV5 !MSELVES CAPABLE ( ATROCITIES 9 ! C\RSE ( REPRESSION4 ,A FAKE RAPE ACCUSATION IS NO?+ TO !M4 ,A POLICE 9FILTRATOR 9 ,CANADA US$ ! /ORY ( BE+ A SURVIVOR ( AN ABUSIVE RELATION%IP TO AVOID QUE/IONS AB\T H] PA/ & W9 ! TRU/ ( AN>*I/S %E W\LD LAT] SET UP = PRISON S5T5CES4 .<#c.> ,ELSE:]E1 A MEMB] ( AN AU?ORIT>IAN SOCIALI/ GR\P MADE AN ACCUSATION AGA9/ SEV]AL RIVAL AN>*I/S1 ONE ( :OM1 IT TURN$ \T1 WAS NOT EV5 9 T[N ON ! NIE TOTALLY 9NOC5T4 ,SOMETIMES A P]SON BEG9S TO RELIVE A PREVI\S TRAUMATIC EXP]I5CE :ILE 9 A PHYSICALLY 9TIMATE SPACE ) ANO!R P]SON1 & IT IS NOT ALWAYS EASY OR POSSIBLE TO DI/+UI% BETWE5 ! ONE EXP]I5CE & ! O!R4 ,A P]SON CAN BEG9 TO RELIVE A RAPE :ILE !Y >E HAV+ CONS5SUAL SEX4 ,IT IS DEF9ITELY NOT ! ONE P]SON'S FAULT = HAV+ A NORMAL REACTION TO TRAUMA1 BUT IT IS ALSO NOT NECESS>ILY ! O!R P]SON'S FAULT ?AT ! TRAUMA WAS TRIGG]$4 ,A MUTUAL & DYNAMIC DEF9ITION ( CONS5T AS ACTIVE COMMUNICATION 9/EAD ( PASSIVE NEGATION W\LD HELP R$UCE TRIGG]S BE+ MISLABEL$ AS RAPE4 ,IF POT5TIAL TRIGG]S >E DISCUSS$ BE=E ! SEXUAL EX*ANGE & ! RESPONSIBILITY = COMMUNICAT+ NE$S & DESIRES >\ND DISASSOCIATION IS 9 ! H&S ( ! P]SON :O DISASSOCIAT$ !N CONS5T IS P>T ( AN ACTIVE SEXUAL PRACTICE 9/EAD ( JU/ BE+ AN IMP]FECT SAFETY NET4 ,IF SOMEONE *ECKS \T DUR+ SEX1 & !Y KN[ !Y *ECK \T DUR+ SEX1 IT IS !IR RESPONSIBILITY TO EXPLA9 :AT ?AT LOOKS LIKE & :AT !Y W\LD LIKE ! O!R P]SON TO DO :5 IT HAPP5S4 ,WE LIVE 9 A SOCIETY :]E MANY PEOPLE >E ASSAULT$1 RAP$ OR HAVE TRAUMATIC EXP]I5CES AT SOME PO9T 9 !IR LIVES4 ,TRIGG]S >E DIFF]5T = EV]YONE4 ,! EXPECTATION ?AT ONES P>TN] %\LD ALWAYS BE ATTUN$ 5\< TO KN[ :5 ONE IS DISASSOCIAT+1 )9 A SOCIETAL CONTEXT ?AT DOES NOT TEA* US AB\T ! EFFECTS ( RAPE1 MU* LESS !IR 9TIMATE EMOTIVE & PSY*OLOGICAL CONSEQU5CES -- IS UNREALI/IC4 ,CONS5T IS EMP[]+ AS AN ACTIVE TOOL1 IT %\LD NOT BE APPROA*$ AS A /ATIC OBLIGATION4 ,/ILL1 ! FACT REMA9S ?AT NOT ALL RAPE ACCUSATION CAN BE CATEGORIZ$ AS MISCOMMUNICATION1 SOME >E 9 FACT MALICI\S4 ,!RE IS A DIFFICULT CONTRADICTION BETWE5 ! FACT ?AT PATRI>*Y COV]S UP RAPE1 & ! FACT ?AT !RE WILL BE SOME FALSE1 UNJU/IFI$1 OR EV5 MALICI\S RAPE ACCUSATIONS 9 ACTIVI/ COMMUNITIES4 ,! BE/ OPTION IS NOT TO GO ) /ATI/ICAL PROBABILITY & TREAT EV]Y ACCUSATION AS VALID1 BECAUSE A FALSE ACCUSATION CAN TE> AP>T AN 5TIRE COMMUNITY MAKE PEOPLE APA!TIC OR SKEPTICAL T[>DS FUTURE ACC\NTABILITY PROCESSES4 ,IT IS F> BETT] TO $UCATE \RSELVES1 TO BE AW>E ( ! PREVAL5CE ( RAPE1 TO RECOGNIZE COMMON PATT]NS ( ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR1 TO LE>N H[ TO RESPOND 9 A S5SITIVE & SUPPORTIVE WAY1 & ALSO TO RECOGNIZE ?AT !RE >E SOME EXCEPTIONS TO ! RULES1 & MANY MORE SITUATIONS ?AT >E COMPLEX & DEFY DEF9ITION4 ,SOLUTIONS ,! TYPICAL PROPOSAL = RESPOND+ TO RAPE1 ! COMMUNITY ACC\NTABILITY PROCESS1 IS BAS$ ON A TRANSP>5T LIE4 ,!RE >E NO ACTIVI/ COMMUNITIES1 ONLY ! DESIRE = COMMUNITIES1 OR ! CONV5I5T FICTION ( COMMUNITIES4 ,A COMMUNITY IS A MAT]IAL WEB ?AT B9DS PEOPLE TOGE!R1 = BETT] & = WORSE1 9 9T]DEP5D5CE4 ,IF ITS MEMB]S MOVE AWAY EV]Y C\PLE YE>S BECAUSE ! NEXT PACE SEEMS COOL]1 IT IS NOT A COMMUNITY4 ,IF IT IS EASI] TO KICK SOMEONE \T ?AN TO GO ?R\< A DIFFICULT S]IES ( CONV]SATIONS ) !M1 IT IS NOT A COMMUNITY4 ,AMONG ! SOCIETIES ?AT HAD REAL COMMUNITIES1 EXILE WAS ! MO/ EXTREME SANCTION POSSIBLE1 TANTAM\NT TO KILL+ !M4 ,ON MANY LEVELS1 LOS+ ! COMMUNITY & ALL ! RELATION%IPS IT 9VOLV$ WAS ! SAME AS DY+4 ,LET'S NOT KID \RSELVES3 WE DON'T HAVE COMMUNITIES4 ,9 MANY ACC\NTABILITY PROCESSES1 ! SO-CALL$ COMMUNITY HAS DONE AS MU* H>M1 OR ACT$ AS SELFI%LY1 AS ! P]PETRATOR4 ,GIV+ SU* A FICTITI\S1 SELF-9T]E/$ GR\P ! P[] & AU?ORITY ( JUDGE1 JURY1 & EXECUTION] IS A RECIPE = DISA/]4 ,:AT WE HAVE >E GR\PS ( FRI5DS & CIRCLES ( ACQUA9TANCES4 ,WE %\LD NOT EXPECT TO BE ABLE TO DEAL ) RAPE OR ABUSE 9 A WAY ?AT DOES NOT G5]ATE CONFLICT BETWE5 OR AMONG !SE DIFF]5T GR\PS & CIRCLES4 ,!RE WILL PROBABLY BE NO CONS5SUS1 BUT WE %\LD NOT ?9K ( CONFLICT AS A BAD ?+4 ,EV]Y RAPE IS DIFF]5T1 EV]Y P]SON IS DIFF]5T1 & EV]Y SITUATION WILL REQUIRE A DIFF]5T SOLUTION4 ,BY TRY+ TO COME UP ) A CON/ANT ME*ANISM = DEAL+ ) RAPE1 WE >E ?9K+ LIKE ! CRIM9AL JU/ICE SY/EM4 ,IT IS BETT] TO ADMIT ?AT WE HAVE NO CAT*-ALL ANSW] TO SU* A DIFFICULT PROBLEM4 ,WE ONLY HAVE \R [N DESIRE TO MAKE ?+S BETT]1 AID$ BY ! KN[L$GE WE %>E4 ,! PO9T IS NOT TO BUILD UP A /RUCTURE ?AT BECOMES P]FECT & UNQUE/IONABLE1 BUT TO BUILD UP EXP]I5CE ?AT ALL[S US TO REMA9 FLEXIBLE BUT EFFECTIVE4 ,CONCLUSION ,! MANY FAIL+S 9 ! CURR5T MODEL HAVE BURN$ \T ONE G5]ATION ANO!R 9 JU/ A FEW %ORT YE>S1 SETT+ ! /AGE = ! NEXT G5]ATION ( ZEAL\S ACTIVI/S TO TAKE !IR IDEALS TO ! EXTREME1 D5\NC+ ANYONE :O QUE/IONS !M AS APOLOGI/S1 & UNAW>E H[ MANY TIMES ?IS SAME DYNAMIC HAS PLAY$ \T BE=E BECAUSE ! V]Y MODEL FUNCTIONS TO EXPEL ! UNOR?ODOX1 MAK+ IT IMPOSSIBLE TO LE>N FROM MI/AKES4 ,ONE SU* MI/AKE HAS BE5 ! REPRODUCTION ( A CONCEPT SIMIL> TO ! P5AL S5T5CE ( ! CRIM9AL JU/ICE SY/EM4 ,IF ! PEOPLE 9 *>GE ( ! ACC\NTABILITY PROCESS DECIDE ?AT SOMEONE MU/ BE EXPELL$1 OR =C$ TO GO TO C\NSEL+1 OR :ATEV] ELSE1 EV]YONE 9 ! SO-CALL$ COMMUNITY IS =C$ TO RECOGNIZE ?AT DECISION4 ,?OSE :O >E NOT >E ACCUS$ ( SUPPORT+ RAPE CULTURE4 ,A JUDGE HAS A POLICE =CE TO BACK UP HIS DECISION4 ,! ACC\NTABILITY PROCESS HAS TO USE ACCUSATIONS & EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL4 ,BUT ! 5TIRE PREMISE ?AT EV]YONE HAS TO AGREE ON ! RESOLUTION IS FLAW$4 ,! TWO OR MORE PEOPLE DIRECTLY 9VOLV$ 9 ! PROBLEM MAY LIKELY HAVE DIFF]5T NE$S1 EV5 IF !Y >E BO? S9C]ELY FOCUS$ ON !IR [N HEAL+4 ,! FRI5DS ( ! P]SON :O HAS BE5 HURT MIE CORRECT4 ,GETT+ BEAT5 UP AS A RESULT ( Y\R ACTIONS1 & RECEIV+ SUPPORT1 SIMPLY DEMON/RATE ! COMPLEX REACTIONS WE G5]ATE4 ,?IS IS ! REAL WORLD1 & FAC+ ITS COMPLEXITY CAN HELP US HEAL4 ,! IMPULSE ( ! ACTIVI/ MODEL IS TO EXPEL ! P]PETRATOR1 OR TO =CE !M TO GO ?R\< A SPECIFIC PROCESS4 ,EI!R ( !SE PA?S RE/ ON ! ASSUMPTION ?AT ! COMMUNITY ME*ANISM HOLDS ABSOLUTE RIIANISM4 ,?IS IS ! CRIM9AL JU/ICE SY/EM1 RECREAT$4 ,?IS IS PATRI>*Y1 /ILL ALIVE 9 \R HE>TS4 ,:AT WE NE$ IS A NEW SET ( COMPASS PO9TS1 & NO NEW MODELS4 ,WE NE$ TO ID5TIFY & OV]COME ! M5TALITIES ( PURITANISM & LAW & ORD]4 ,WE NE$ TO RECOGNIZE ! COMPLEXITY ( 9DIVIDUALS & ( 9T]P]SONAL RELATION%IPS4 ,TO AVOID A =MULAIC MORALITY1 WE NE$ TO AVOID ! =MULA ( LABELS & MASS CATEGORIES4 ,RA!R ?AN SPEAK+ ( RAPI/S1 P]PETRATORS1 & SURVIVORS1 WE NE$ TO TALK ABUT SPECIFIC ACTS & SPECIFIC LIMITATIONS1 RECOGNIZ+ ?AT EV]YONE *ANGES1 & ?AT MO/ PEOPLE >E CAPABLE ( HURT+ & BE+ HURT1 & ALSO ( GR[+1 HEAL+1 & LE>N+ H[ TO NOT HURT PEOPLE1 OR NOT BE VICTIMIZ$1 9 ! FUTURE4 ,WE ALSO NE$ TO MAKE ! CRITICAL DI/9CTION BETWE5 ! =MS ( H>M ?AT CAN BE AVOID$ AS WE GET SM>T] & /RONG]1 & ! K9DS ?AT REQUIRE A COLLECTIVE SELF-DEF5SE4 ,! SUGGE/IONS ,I HAVE MADE (F] NO EASY ANSW]S1 & NO P]FECT CATEGORIES4 ,!Y DEM& FLEXIBILITY1 COMPASSION1 9TELLIG5CE1 BRAV]Y1 & PATI5CE4 ,H[ C\LD WE EXPECT TO CONFRONT PATRI>*Y ) ANY?+ LESS8 ,EPILOGUE ,HALF A DOZ5 LESSONS ,I MIN1 NOT UNTIL !M TR\BLES COME >\ND444.<#d.> ,FIR/ (F1 ?IS Z9E WAS MEANT TO BE DESCRIPTIVE NOT PRESCRIPTIVE1 AL?\< ,I [N ! SUGGE/IONS ,I'VE LAID \T & CONT9UE TO HOLD TO !M4 ,! HOPE WAS ?AT ! Z9E W\LD 5C\RAGE CONTEXTUAL1 ?\*I/ CIRCLES TO HAVE CRITICAL REFLECTION AB\T ! USE ( ESS5TIALI/ CATEGORIES )\T BE+ ACCUS$ ( BE+ A RAPE APOLOGI/4 ,WE >E ALL HOLD+ ON SO TI5T ?AT !Y >E NOT WORK+ = US4 ,! Z9E WAS MEANT TO P>SE \T :AT WASN'T WORK+ AB\T \R EV]-EXP&+ DEF9ITION ( RAPE & ASSAULT4 ,IT WAS AN ATTEMPT TO CALL ! 9NATE JUDICIAL REASON+ BEH9D ACC\NTABILITY PROCESSES 9TO QUE/ION4 ,IT WAS MEANT AS A CRITIQUE ( 9NOC5CE & GUILT1 NOT AN ATTACK ON PEOPLE :O ID5TIFY AS SURVIVORS4 ,:5 WE RELY ON APPEALS TO 9NOC5CE1 WE =ECLOSE A =M ( RESI/ANCE ?AT IS \TSIDE ! LIMITS ( LAW1 & 9/EAD ALLY \RSELVES ) ! ,/ATE 444,:5 PEOPLE ID5TIFY ) !IR VICTIMIZATION1 WE NE$ TO CRITICALLY CONSID] :E!R IT IS BE+ US$ AS A TACTICAL MANEUV] TO CON/RUCT !MSELVES AS 9NOC5T & EX]T P[] )\T BE+ QUE/ION$4 ,?AT DOES NOT MEAN DELEGITIMIZ+ ! CLAIMS MADE BY SURVIVORS-- BUT RA!R1 REJECT+ ! FRAMEWORK ( 9NOC5CE1 EXAM9+ EA* SITUATION CLOSELY1 & BE+ CONSCI5TI\S ( ! MULTIPLE P[] /RUGGLES AT PLAY 9 DIFF]5T CONFLICTS4 .<#e.> ,GIV+ VOICE TO ! 0MULTIPLE P[] /RUGGLES0 AT PLAY IS AN UNCOM=TABLE PROCESS4 ,MANY PEOPLE HAVE (F]$ FE$BACK ?AT !Y DID NOT LIKE ! Z9E BECAUSE IT P]PETUATES ! MY? ?AT ABUSE IS A DYNAMIC BETWE5 TWO PEOPLE & ?AT FEELS LIKE BLAM+ ! VICTIM4 ,IT WAS NEV] MY 9T5TION TO D[NPLAY ! PA9 ( ABUSE4 ,I DO1 H[EV]1 ?9K ?AT ABUSE IS P>TICIPATORY & ?AT IT IS USEFUL TO UND]/& IT AS SU* 9 ORD] TO HEAL4 ,MY CRITICISM ( AN ESS5TIALI/ UND]/&+ ( VICTIM OR SURVIVOR IS TW(OLD3 FIR/1 NOT EV]YONE USES ?OSE CATEGORIES ) HONE/Y OR TRANSP>5CY1 & SECOND1 EV5 :5 !Y DO1 ,I AM NOT SURE ?AT !SE ID5TITIES REALLY HELP Y\ HEAL4 ,P]SONALLY1 ,I DON'T F9D IT HELPFUL TO ?9K ( MYSELF AS A VICTIM OR SURVIVOR4 ,I REALIZE ?AT ! ID5TITY ( SURVIVOR WAS MEANT TO ADDRESS ! FOCUS ON PASSIVITY ?AT OCCURS ) ! T]M VICTIM1 BUT 9 PRACTICE ,I ?9K ! TWO T]MS >E NOT ALWAYS WELL DEL9EAT$ & ! SAME ASSOCIATIONS & ASSUMPTIONS (T5 ACCRUE4 ,!SE ID5TITIES MAKE ME ! SUBJECT1 ! PASSIVE RECEIV]1 ( ANO!R'S VIOL5CE OR ABUSE4 ,9 ?AT READ+ ( ! SITUATION1 ! P[] TO 5D ! CYCLE LIES FIRMLY ) ! ACTIVE P>TY1 ! 0ABUS]40 ,?AT IS A BALANCE ( P[] ?AT ,I AM UNCOM=TABLE )4 ,9 ORD] TO NOT FEEL COMPLETELY HELPLESS IT HAS BE5 NECESS>Y = ME TO HONE/LY REFLECT ON ! P>TS ?AT ,I PLAY$ 9 UNHEAL?Y DYNAMICS & VIOL5T SITUATIONS BECAUSE ?OSE >E ! ?+S ?AT ,I HAVE ! ABILITY TO *ANGE4 ,I />T$ WRIT+ AB\T ACC\NTABILITY BECAUSE ,I WAS GRAPPL+ ) :Y ,I FELT SO ANGRY ?AT ,I WAS SUPPOS$ TO ID5TIFY MYSELF AS ! RIM$ ME TO R$RESS !IR WAYS BE=E ,I BEGAN TO HEAL4 ,IT WASN'T REALI/IC4 ,I W\LD HAVE WAIT$ =EV]4 ,?9K ( :AT Y\R BODY DOES :5 Y\ CUT Y\RSELF4 ,ALONG ) BLOOD CLOTT+ & ! IMMUNE RESPONSE1 Y\R BODY BUILDS A NETWORK ( COLLAG5 TO ISOLATE ! W\ND SITE4 ,?IS ALL[S :ITE BLOOD CELLS TO CLEAN UP ! >EA )\T SPREAD+ ! 9FECTION4 ,CONT9U+ TO DEF9E Y\RSELF BY ! PA9 ?AT O!RS HAVE CAUS$ Y\ CREATES DEHISC5CE & KEEPS ! W\ND OP54 ,ACC\NTABILITY IS SO TI$ UP 9 ADJUDICATION & EXT]NAL AFFIRMATIONS1 OR CONDEMNATIONS1 ?AT IT CAN BE V]Y H>D TO MODULATE & PROCESS %IFT+ FEEL+S AS Y\ GO ?R\< DIFF]5T /AGES ( HEAL+4 ,BE+ SOMEONE'S RAPE VICTIM OR SURVIVOR ( ABUSE IS NOT EMOTIONALLY HEAL?Y4 ,EV]Y TIME A SC> />TS TO =M SOME P>T ( ! COMMUNITY PROCESS REQUIRES Y\ TO REF]5CE BACK TO ! 9ITIAL PA9 AS IF IT W]E NEW1 & ! SCAB GETS RIPP$ (F4 ,?IS CAN LEAD TO *RONIC 9FLAMMATION ?AT CAN GO SY/EMIC & EV5TUALLY POISON O!R RELATION%IPS 9 Y\R LIFE4 ,COMMUNITY PROCESSES ?AT (F] SUPPORT BAS$ ON VICTIMIZATION L5D !MSELVES TO FOCUS+ & FIXAT+ ON PA9FUL EXP]I5CES4 ,I HAVE BE5 RAP$4 ,I WAS 9 AN ABUSIVE RELATION%IP1 & :5 ,I LEFT ,I WAS /ALK$4 ,?OSE EXP]I5CES DISRUPT$ MY LIFE = A LONG TIME4 ,I DID NOT DES]VE TO BE TREAT$ ?AT WAY1 BUT ,I WAS NOT A PASSIVE P>TICIPANT4 ,BE+ HONE/ AB\T P>TICIPATORY ABUSE IS NOT ! SAME AS SELF-RECRIM9ATION1 & ANALYZ+ UNHEAL?Y DYNAMICS IS NOT A =M ( SELF-BLAME--IT'S A =M ( SELF-REFLECTION4 ,I HAVE A H>D TIME UND]/&+ :Y PEOPLE >E SO (F5D$ AT ! IDEA ?AT ABUSE IS P>TICIPATORY BECAUSE IT WAS ! EPIPHANY ?AT ,I WAS ALSO RESPONSIBLE = MY T]RIBLE CAU/IC RELATION%IP ?AT ALL[$ ME TO LEAVE4 ,I /AY$ 9 A DAMAG+ RELATION%IP = SO MU* LONG] ?AN ,I %\LD HAVE1 EV5 AFT] ,I REALIZ$ IT WAS ABUSIVE1 UND] ! ABSURD DELUSION ?AT WE W]E GO+ TO 05D CYCLES ( VIOL5CE0 TOGE!R4 ,WE W]5'T 5D+ ANY FUCK+ CYCLES1 WE W]E CONT9U+ !M4 ,UNTIL ,I R$ISCOV]$ MY AG5CY ,I WAS TOTALLY P>ALYZ$4 ,H[ C\LD ,I EV] FEEL SAFE IF NO?+ ,I HAD DONE CONTRIBUT$ TO ! ABUSE8 ,:AT C\LD ,I *ANGE AB\T ! WAY ,I LOV$8 ,DID ,I JU/ NE$ TO IMPLICITLY KN[ IF PEOPLE HAD ?AT T5D5CY 9 !M8 ,H[ DO Y\ PICK 0UNDAMAG$0 LOV]S8 ,H[ C\LD ,I EV] FALL 9 LOVE1 & MORE IMPORTANTLY BREAK UP ) ANYONE AGA91 )\T BE+ AFRAID8 ,DIFF]5T *OICES ALONG ! WAY C\LD HAVE KEPT ?+S FROM GETT+ SO FUCK+ CRAZY AT ! 5D1 & IT IS BO? NAIVE & DANG]\S TO PRET5D O!RWISE4 ,ACKN[L$G+ ?AT DOESN'T MEAN ,I DES]V$ TO BE MI/REAT$ OR /ALK$2 BUT IT DOES MEAN ?AT BECAUSE ,I UND]/& ! BAD *OICES ,I MADE1 ,I CAN MAKE BETT] ONES 9 ! FUTURE4 ,I REALIZE ! REJECTION ( VICTIM OR SURVIVOR ID5TITY IS H>D] TO /OMA* :5 IT COMES TO VIOL5T SEXUAL ASSAULT1 BUT EV5 ) RAPE ONE CAN GO ?R\< A PROCESS ( CRITICAL REFLECTION4 ,?IS1 ( C\RSE1 DOES NOT ABSOLVE ! ASSAULT] FROM RESPONSIBILITY4 ,NO ONE DES]VES TO BE SEXUALLY ASSAULT$ OR IS EV] TO BLAME = BE+ RAP$4 ,WE MU/ DIFF]5TIATE BLAME FROM SELF-REFLECTION4 ,9 ORD] TO MOVE ON ) MY LIFE & REGA9 ! ABILITY TO WORK & TRAVEL ALONE IT HAS HELP$ ME TO FOCUS ON ! ?+S ,I HAVE CONCRETE CONTROL OV]4 ,IT HAS BE5 USEFUL TO TAKE /OCK ( :AT K9D ( SITUATIONS ,I PUT MYSELF 91 :O ,I TRU/1 :AT K9D ( CONT+5CY PLANS ,I MAKE & :AT WEAPONS ,I AM ACTUALLY COM=TABLE US+4 ,WILL BE+ PROACTIVE AB\T !SE K9DS ( CONSID]ATIONS KEEP ME FROM ALL FUTURE H>M8 ,PROBABLY NOT--IT'S A FUCK$ UP WORLD \T !RE4 ,WILL !SE CONSID]ATIONS GIVE ME A MORE GR\ND$ S5SE ( CONTROL & REM9D ME ( MY [N P[] TO DEAL ) & AFFECT ! C\RSE ( POT5TIAL VIOL5CE8 ,YES1 ,I ?9K SO4 ,?IS ( C\RSE BR+S US TO ! ISSUE ( RETALIATORY VIOL5CE & ! Z9E BE+ CRITICIZ$ = 0GLORIFY+ VIOL5CE40 ,I ?9K ,/OKELY ,C>MI*AEL GOT ! HE>T ( :Y WE MU/ BE W>Y ( MORAL N>RATIVES AB\T VIOL5CE3 ,! WAY ! OPPRESSOR TRIES TO /OP ! OPPRESS$ FROM US+ VIOL5CE AS A MEANS TO ATTA9 LIB]ATION IS TO RAISE E?ICAL OR MORAL QUE/IONS AB\T VIOL5CE4 ,I WANT TO /ATE EMPHATICALLY H]E ?AT VIOL5CE 9 ANY SOCIETY IS NEI!R MORAL NOR IS IT E?ICAL4 ,IT NEI!R RI ,I DON'T HAVE AN ABSOLUTE MORAL OR E?ICAL JU/IFI] = RETALIATORY VIOL5CE1 BECAUSE ONE %\LD NEV] WORK 9 TACTICAL ABSOLUTES4 ,NO SOLUTION OR APPROA* WILL BE APPROPRIATE ALL ! TIME4 ,ALL ,I CAN DO IS CL>IFY 9 :AT CONTEXT RETALIATORY VIOL5CE MAKES S5SE TO ME4 ,I ?9K PEOPLE :O >E VIOL5TLY PHYSICALLY ASSAULT$ %\LD BE ABLE TO BEAT !IR RAPI/4 ,H[EV] IT IS ESS5TIAL TO UND]/& K>MIC_/PROPORTIONAL RETRIBUTION4 ,I DON'T ?9K RETALIATORY VIOL5CE IS APPROPRIATE = SITUATIONS ?AT W]E NOT PHYSICALLY VIOL5T4 ,RESPOND+ TO PHYSICAL VIOL5CE ) PHYSICAL VIOL5CE IS UND]/&ABLE BUT RESPOND+ TO GRAY >EA MISCOMMUNICATIONS ( CONS5T ) PHYSICAL VIOL5CE IS MANIPULATIVE & UNNECESS>Y4 ,I ALSO DO NOT ?9K IT IS APPROPRIATE TO ASK O!RS TO 5ACT VIOL5CE IF Y\ CANNOT BR+ Y\RSELF TO P>TICIPATE4 ,IF Y\ CAN'T DO IT Y\RSELF 7) HELP71 !N Y\ NE$ TO PICK A DIFF]5T K9D ( REV5GE4 ,! PO9T IS CA?>SIS1 ISN'T IT8 ,A BEAT+ WILL S5D A DIRECT MESSAGE1 BUT NO?+ CAN REALLY COMMUNICATE ! EXP]I5CE ( RAPE--ONLY ! ANG] & DESPAIR ?AT COME AFT]W>DS4 ,VIOL5CE %\LD BE APPROA*$ ) HUMILITY & AS A F9AL RESORT4 ,IT IS WOR? NOT+ ?AT IT MAY NOT MAKE Y\ FEEL BETT]1 IT MAY MAKE Y\ FEEL WORSE--IT'S H>D TO KN[ BE=EH&4 ,REV5GE IS 9TIMATE1 & NOT ALWAYS HEAL?Y4 ,PROTRACT$ CAMPAIGNS ( %AME & 9TIMIDATION CONT9UE TO TIE Y\ EMOTIONALLY & PSY*OLOGICALLY TO ! P]SON :O HURT Y\4 ,AT SOME PO9T ! BE/ REV5GE IS SEP>AT+ Y\RSELF 9 ! WAYS Y\ CAN & TRY+ TO LIVE A HAPPY LIFE4 ,?IS DOESN'T MEAN Y\ HAVE TO =GIVE TO HEAL4 ,I HOLD TO MY BITT]NESS BECAUSE IT KEEPS ME SAFE1 BUT BECAUSE ,I DO NOT EXPECT O!RS TO JO9 ME 9 ?AT HATR$ IT HAS BE5 EASI]1 ) ! PASSAGE ( TIME1 TO LET SOME ( ! PA9 REC$E4 ,TO ?OSE :O FEEL ,I GAVE UP ON TRANS=MATIVE JU/ICE TOO SOON1 P]HAPS ,I DID4 ,I ?9K IF ,I LIV$ 9 A DIFF]5T K9D ( COMMUNITY ,I W\LD HAVE MORE FAI? 9 TRANS=MATIVE JU/ICE4 ,I HAVE HE>D ?AT !SE MODELS HAVE WORK$ 9 O!R K9DS ( COMMUNITIES4 ,)9 ! AN>*I/ SC5ES ( ,NOR? ,AM]ICA H[EV]1 ,I JU/ DON'T SEE ! COHESION1 G5TL5ESS OR LONGEVITY REQUIR$ = TRANS=MATIVE PROCESSES TO WORK4 ,PEOPLE >E TOO TRANSI5T4 ,I AM NOT AN OPTIMI/ AT A /RUCTURAL LEVEL4 ,IT'S NOT SOME?+ ,I AM P>TICUL>LY PR\D ( SO P]HAPS ,I %\LDN'T BE SUGGE/+ O!RS ACCEPT MY DISMAL ASSESSM5T ( AN>*I/ 0COMMUNITY40 ,REALLY ! DISC\RSE ( TRANS=MATIVE JU/ICE IS H>D = ME TO TAKE AT FACE VALUE BECAUSE ! P]SON ,I WAS 9 AN ABUSIVE RELATION%IP ) WAS V]Y ADEPT AT US+ ?AT K9D ( LANGUAGE 9 A MANIPULATIVE MANN]1 :ILE ! P]SON :O RAP$ ME HAD ABSOLUTELY NO PO9T ( REF]5CE = ANY?+ SO RADICAL4 0,BREAK+ CYCLES ( ABUSE0 IS AN 5TIC+ & L(TY GOAL BUT SOMETIMES ,I FE> ?AT ALL IT MEANS IS ?AT WE PUT TONS ( TIME & 5]GY 9TO PIECES ( %IT :O WILL NEV] ADDRESS !IR SOCIALIZATION4 ,AT :AT PO9T IS IT JU/ NOT Y\R FUCK+ PROBLEM ANYMORE8 ,?IS ( C\RSE GETS TO ! HE>T ( MO/ PEOPLE'S PROBLEM ) ! Z9E4 ,IT WAS CRITICIZ$ = NOT (F]+ A PRODUCTIVE SOLUTION4 ,I ADMIT1 ,I DON'T HAVE ONE2 !RE IS NO ONE SOLUTION4 ,A T5D5CY T[>DS MYOPIC ESS5TIALISM GOT US 9TO ?IS MESS1 A FANCY REWRIT+ ( ! SURVIVOR_/P]PETRATOR DUALISM ) SLID WE PRACTICE & H[ DO WE HOLD PEOPLE TO IT8 ,IF CONS5T IS A CONT9UAL PROCESS :AT EXPECTATIONS DO WE HAVE AB\T H[ NO GETS COMMUNICAT$8 ,9TIMACY IS COMPLICAT$ & WE >E ALL DAMAG$ 9 \R [N WAY4 ,:O IS RESPONSIBLE = ID5TIFY+ :5 YES BECOMES NO8 ,I W\LD LIKE TO PROPOSE ?AT WE >E RESPONSIBLE NOT ONLY = OBTA9+ A YES FROM \R LOV]S BE=E PROCE$+ & KEEP+ ?OSE L9ES ( COMMUNICATION OP5 BUT1 MORE IMPORTANTLY1 WE >E RESPONSIBLE = VOCALIZ+ \R [N YES OR NO4 ,WE NE$ TO R$EF9E HEAL?Y CONS5T AS COMMUNICAT+ \R SEXUAL NE$S 9 A PROACTIVE MANN]4 ,IF ?AT DOESN'T HAPP5 WE %\LD BE ABLE TO SAY1 0Y\ DIDN'T NOTICE ,I WAS DISSOCIAT+1 CAN WE TALK AB\T ,P,T,S,D & TRAUMA80 ,?AT CONV]SATION SEEMS MORE PRODUCTIVE TO ME ?AN1 0Y\ RAP$ ME BECAUSE Y\ DIDN'T NOTICE ,I *ECK$ \T1 EV5 ?\< ,I DIDN'T SAY NO40 ,IT NE$S TO BE OKAY TO MAKE MI/AKES & WE NE$ A LANGUAGE = HURT ?AT DOESN'T DEFAULT TO ! WOR/ K9D ( HURT EV]4 ,HYP]BOLIC LANGUAGE LEADS TO A RANK+ ( PA94 ,DOES EV]Y?+ NE$ TO BE CALL$ ASSAULT OR RAPE BE=E WE HELP \R FRI5DS WORK ?R\< IT8 ,WE NE$ AN 9T]M$I>Y LANGUAGE1 SOME?+ BETWE5 0?AT WAS P]FECTLY COMMUNICAT$ EV]Y /EP ( ! WAY10 & 0Y\ ASSAULT$ ME40 ,AT A SPIRITUAL LEVEL IT IS IMPORTANT TO ASK :Y C\LDN'T ,I VOCALIZE MY NE$S8 ,:AT K9DS ( CONV]SATIONS1 OR P>TN]S1 DO ,I NE$ 9 ORD] TO DO ?AT8 ,WE %\LD NOT EXPECT \R LOV]S TO READ \R M9DS4 ,WE NE$ TO MAKE CONT+5CY PLANS4 ,HEAL?Y SEX %\LD 9VOLVE TELL+ Y\R LOV]S :AT Y\ WANT !M TO DO :5 Y\ *ECK \T4 ,WE >E ALL RESPONSIBLE = \R [N HAPP9ESS1 PLEASURE & SAFETY--!SE ?+S >E TOO IMPORTANT TO \TS\RCE4 ,AS = GETT+ ?R\< ! D>K DAYS1 ! ONLY CONCRETE ADVICE ,I CAN GIVE AB\T SORT+ ?R\< ! PA9 ( ASSAULT OR ABUSE IS DON'T TURN TO A L>G] COMMUNITY = SUPPORT--TURN TO Y\R FRI5DS1 Y\R *OS5 FAMILY & A !RAPI/ 7IF Y\ BELIEVE 9 !M74 ,DON'T EXPECT ?AT PEOPLE :O W]E NOT ALREADY CLOSE TO Y\ WILL UND]/& ! SITUATION OR BE ABLE TO RESPOND OR EMPA?IZE 9 A WAY ?AT FEELS GOOD TO Y\4 ,!Y PROBABLY WON'T4 ,GET AS F> AWAY FROM ! P]SON :O HURT Y\ AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE & DON'T TAKE ON !IR FUCK+ PROCESS4 ,SETTLE 9TO ! ISOLATION & PA91 BECAUSE IT'S GO+ TO BE ) Y\ = A LONG TIME4 ,UND]/& Y\R P>T 9 ! EXP]I5CE NOT BECAUSE Y\ DES]V$ IT1 OR BECAUSE Y\ W]E TO BLAME = IT1 BUT UND]/& Y\R P>T SO Y\ CAN PLAY A DIFF]5T1 HEAL?I]1 ROLE 9 ! FUTURE4 ,ULTIMATELY1 ,I ?9K ,I HAVE COME BACK TO A /ATE ( RELATIVE HOMEO/ASIS AGA9 BECAUSE ,I TOOK ! TIME TO CONSID] :AT P>TS ( ! ABUSE & RAPE W]E M9E TO C>RY & :I* ONES W]5'T4 ,! PROCESS HAS BE5 SL[ & PA9FUL4 ,I ?9K ,I BEGAN TO HEAL :5 ,I /OPP$ C>+ SO MU* :51 OR IF1 IT HAPP5$4 ,I MADE MY PEACE ) BE+ BROK51 & AS ,I ACCEPT$ ! DAMAGE ! SC>S SL[LY K]AT9IZ$4 ,I NO LONG] C>E IF ! PEOPLE :O HURT ME HAVE BECOME LESS CAU/IC1 BECAUSE ,I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE = !M4 ,I ALSO DON'T C>E IF PEOPLE :O >E NOT CLOSE TO ME UND]/& :AT HAPP5$4 ,ACC\NTABILITY PROCESSES >E MU* TOO TI$ 9TO SOCIAL CURR5CY1 REPUTATION & PROPRIETY4 ,I WILL NOT BE HELD HO/AGE TO ! !ORETICAL DICTATES ( A FALSE AN>*I/ 0COMMUNITY40 ,I TRY & HOLD MYSELF ACC\NTABLE TO ! COMMUNITY ( PEOPLE ,I HAVE REAL TIES TO--?OSE ,I P>5T1 WORK & /RUGGLE )4 ,BEYOND ?AT CIRCLE ,I HAVE F\ND ! IDEA ( ACC\NTABILITY DOESN'T HOLD UP WELL UND] /RA94 ,IT'S NOT ?AT ,I DON'T BELIEVE 9 ACC\NTABILITY--,I DO1 JU/ ) A LITTLE 0A40 .<#a.> ,$4 NOTE3 ,?IS PIECE HAS BE5 SLIAGRAPH WAS REMOV$4 !ANVILREVIEW4ORG"9 .<#b.> ,IT %\LD BE NOT$ ?AT ! SUB/ITUTION ( 0SURVIVOR0 = 0VICTIM0 DOES NOT 5TAIL ANY ACTUAL CRITIQUE ( VICTIMHOOD1 OR H[ VICTIMHOOD EMBODIES A PATRI>*AL & LEGALI/IC ROLE4 ,?OSE :O WI% TO 5D PATRI>*Y %\LD FEEL NO AFF9ITY ) ! VICTIM-M5TALITY4 ,IT IS IMPORTANT TO DI/+UI% A POLITICAL CRITIQUE ( VICTIMHOOD FROM A LACK ( SUPPORT = VICTIMS4 ,IT IS UND]/&ABLE ?AT WE SOMETIMES FALL BACK ON VICTIMHOOD1 A SOCIALLY RECOGNIZ$ P[]LESSNESS1 BECAUSE IT IS ONE ( ! ONLY ID5TIFIABLE WAYS TO ACCESS SUPPORT1 & TAK+ A DIFF]5T R\TE REQUIRES MORE 9T5TION & 5]GY ?AN MO/ PEOPLE CAN MU/] DUR+ A VULN]ABLE P]IOD 9 !IR LIVES4 ,WE %\LD HAVE COMPASSION = ! PEOPLE :O1 LACK+ O!R CLE> OPTIONS1 FALL 9TO ! ROLE ( VICTIM :ILE ACKN[L$G+ ?AT IT IS TIME TO CREATE ALT]NATIVE N>RATIVES4 .<#c.> HTTP3_/_/AN>*I/NEWS4ORG_/NODE_/#a#i#d#h#f1 HTTP3_/_/WWW4CRIME?9C4COM_/BLOG_/#b#a#a_/#a#a_/#b#d_/G#b-CONSPIRACY-CASE-!-9SIDE-/ORY_/ .<#d.> ,GILLIAN ,WEL%4 0,ONLY ,ONE & ,ONLY40 ,REVIVAL1 ,ALAMO ,S\NDS1 #a#i#i#f4 .<#e.> ,WANG1 ,JACKIE4 0,AGA9/ ,9NOC5CE3 ,RACE1 ,G5D]1 & ! ,POLITICS ( ,SAFETY40 ,L,I,E,S3 ,A ,J\RNAL ( ,MAT]IALI/ ,FEM9ISM ,VOLUME #a1 #b#a#b1 PG #a#f#b4 .<#f.> ,C>MI*AEL1 ,/OKELY4 ,/OKELY ,SPEAKS3 ,BLACK ,P[] ,BACK TO ,PAN-,AFRICANISM4 ,NEW ,YORK3 ,R&OM ,H\SE1 #a#i#g#b4 ,FROM 3 ,!,AN>*I/,LIBR>Y4ORG4 ,*RONOLOGY 3 ,JANU>Y #b#i1 #bba 3 ,! ,BROK5 ,TEAPOT -- ,ADD$4 ,JANU>Y #g1 #bbb 3 ,! ,BROK5 ,TEAPOT -- ,UPDAT$4 FILE G5]AT$ FROM 3 HTTP3_/_/REVOLTLIB4COM_/