#ahig 

#aiagaiag 

,PEOPLE 3 

,AU?OR 3 ,LEO ,TOL/OY 

,TRANSLATOR 3 ,ROSE ,/RUNSKY 

,TEXT 3 

#ahig 

  
  

.<#a#a#c.> 

,JAN4 #e1 ,MOSC[4 

,!RE IS /ILL NO?+ GOOD TO WRITE AB\T MYSELF4 ,I FEEL NO NE$ ( WORK+ & ! DEVIL DOES NOT LEAVE ME4 ,HAVE BE5 ILL = AB\T #f DAYS4 

,BEGAN TO R]EAD ,RESURRECTION & REA*$ UP TO HIS DECISION TO M>RY & ?REW IT AWAY ) DISGU/4 ,IT IS ALL UNTRUE1 9V5T$1 WEAK4 ,IT IS H>D TO REPAIR A SPOIL$ ?+4 ,9 ORD] TO REPAIR IT1 !RE IS NECESS>Y3 #a7 ALT]NATELY TO DESCRIBE HIS FEEL+ & LIFE1 & H]S1.<#a#f#f.> & #b7 SYMPA!TICALLY & S]I\SLY H]S1 & CRITICALLY & ) A SMILE1 HIS4 ,I %ALL H>DLY F9I% IT4 ,IT IS ALL V]Y SPOIL$4 

,YE/]DAY ,I READ ,>KHANGELSKY'S.<#a#f#g.> >TICLE 0,:OM TO ,S]VE0 & WAS V]Y DELI<T$4 

,HAVE F9I%$ ! NOTEBOOK4 ,& H]E ,I AM WRIT+ FROM IT3 

#a7 ,MY >TICLE ON 444 MU/ BE WRITT5 = ! PEOPLE 444 

#b7 7,= ,! ,NOTES ( A ,MADMAN OR = ,! ,DRAMA74 ,DESPAIR BECAUSE ( MADNESS & WRET*$NESS ( LIFE4 ,SALVATION FROM ?IS DESPAIR 9 ! RECOGNITION ( ,GOD & ONE'S FILIALITY TO ,HIM4 ,! RECOGNITION ( FILIALITY IS !.<#a#a#d.> RECOGNITION ( BRO!RHOOD4 ,! RECOGNITION ( ! BRO!RHOOD ( MAN & ! CRUEL1 BRUTAL1 UNBRO!RLY >RANGEM5T ( LIFE :I* IS JU/IFI$ BY PEOPLE--LEADS 9EVITABLY TO A RECOGNITION ( ONE'S [N 9SANITY OR ?AT ( ! :OLE WORLD4 

#c7 ,I READ ,NAKA%IDZE'S.<#a#f#h.> LETT] AB\T ! ,CONGRESS ( ! ,DUKHOBORS1 :]E !Y DISCUSS$ SOCIAL QUE/IONS4 ,H]E IS AN 9/ANCE ( ! POSSIBILITY ( ADM9I/RATION )\T VIOL5CE4 ,ONE CONDITION IS NECESS>Y--NO1 TWO CONDITIONS3 ! RESPECT ( ! Y\? & ( ! SPIRITUALLY WEAK 9 G5]AL1 TO ! RESOLUTIONS ( ! ELECT$ ELD]S1 ! SPIRITUALLY /RONG]--! 0LITTLE OLD M50 AS ! ,DUKHOBORS CALL !M2 & ! SECOND CONDITION ?AT !SE 0LITTLE OLD M50 BE RATIONAL & LOV+4 ,AT ?IS ,CONGRESS ! QUE/ION ( UNIT+ PROP]TY 79 COMMON71 WAS DISCUSS$ & ! 0LITTLE OLD M50 W]E 9 FAVOR ( IT1 BUT CON/ANTLY REPEAT$3 0,ONLY LET !RE BE NO VIOL5CE1 LET ?+S BE DONE VOLUNT>ILY40 

,AMONG ! PEOPLE & ! ,DUKHOBORS ?IS RESPECT & RECOGNITION ( ! NECESSITY ( FULFILL+ ! RESOLUTIONS ( ! OLD M5 EXI/4 ,& ALL ?IS )\T =MS2 ! ELECTION ( ! ELD]S & ! ME?ODS ( AGREEM5T4 

#d7 ,NO MATT] H[ Y\ GR9D A CRY/AL1 H[ Y\ DISSOLVE IT1 COMPRESS IT1 IT WILL MOLD ITSELF AGA9 AT ! FIR/ OPPORTUNITY 9TO ! SAME =M4 ,& SO ! /RUCTURE ( SOCIETY WILL BE ALWAYS !.<#a#a#e.> SAME1 NO MATT] TO :AT *ANGES Y\ SUBMIT IT4 ,! =M ( A CRY/AL WILL ONLY !N BE *ANG$ :5 *EMICAL *ANGES OCCUR 9 IT1 9N] ONES2 ! SAME ) SOCIETY4 

#e7 ,IT W\LD BE GOOD TO WRITE A PREFACE TO ,SPI].<#a#f#i.> CONTA9+ ! FOLL[+3 

,! WORLD IS SU* AS WE SEE IT1 ONLY IF !RE DO NOT EXI/ ANY O!R BE+S DIFF]5TLY BUILT FROM US & 5D[$ ) O!R S5SES ?AN \RS4 ,IF WE SEE NOT ONLY ! POSSIBILITY1 BUT ! NECESSITY1 ( ! EXI/5CE ( O!R BE+S 5D[$ ) O!R S5SES ?AN \RS1 !N ! WORLD IS 9 NO CASE1 M]ELY SU* AS WE SEE IT4 ,\R IMAG9ATION ( ! WORLD %[S ONLY \R ATTITUDE TO ! WORLD1 JU/ AS ! VISUAL PICTURE :I* WE =M = \RSELVES FROM :AT WE SEE AS F> AS ! HORIZON & ! SKY REPRES5TS 9 NO WAY ! ACTUAL \TL9ES ( ! OBJECTS SE54 ,! O!R S5SES1 HE>+1 SMELL1 PR9CIPALLY--T\*1 9 V]IFY+ \R VISUAL IMPRESSIONS GIVE US A MORE DEF9ITE CONCEPTION ( ! SE5 OBJECTS2 BUT ?AT :I* WE KN[ AS BROAD1 ?ICK1 H>D OR S(T OR H[ ! ?+S SE5 BY US S\ND OR SMELL1 DO NOT PROVE ?AT WE KN[ !SE ?+S FULLY & ?AT IF A NEW S5SE 7ABOVE ! FIVE7 W]E GIV5 US1 IT W\LD NOT DISCLOSE TO US ?AT \R CONCEPTION ( ?+S =M$ BY \R FIVE S5SES WAS NOT JU/ AS DECEPTIVE AS ?AT CONCEPTION ( ! FLATNESS ( OBJECTS & !IR DIM9I%+ 9 P]SPECTIVE :I* SI<T ONLY GIVES US4 

.<#a#a#f.> 

,I SEE A MAN 9 ! MIRROR1 HE> HIS VOICE & AM FULLY CONV9C$ ?AT HE IS A REAL MAN2 BUT ,I APPROA*1 ,I WANT TO GRASP HIS H& & ,I T\* ! GLASS ( ! MIRROR & SEE MY DELUSION4 ,! SAME ?+ MU/ COME TO PASS 9 A DY+ MAN2 A NEW FEEL+ IS BORN :I* DISCLOSES TO HIM 7?R\< HIS NEW FEEL+ & ! NEW KN[L$GE IT GIVES HIM7 ! DELUSION ( RECOGNIZ+ HIS BODY AS HIMSELF1 & ( ALL ?AT HE RECOGNIZ$ AS EXI/+ ?R\< ! MEANS ( ! S5SES ( ?IS BODY4 

,SO ?AT ! WORLD IS C]TA9LY NOT SU* AS WE KN[ IT TO BE3 LET !RE BE O!R 9/RUM5TS ( KN[L$GE--& !RE WILL BE ANO!R WORLD4 

,BUT NO MATT] H[ ?AT :I* WE CONSID] AS ! WORLD1 \R ATTITUDE TO ! WORLD1 %\LD *ANGE--ONE ?+ IS UNALT]ABLY SU* AS WE KN[ IT & IS ALWAYS UN*ANG+1 IT IS ?AT :I* KN[S4 ,& IT KN[S NOT ONLY 9 ME1 BUT 9 EV]Y?+ :I* KN[S4 ,?IS ?+ :I* KN[S IS ! SAME EV]Y:]E & 9 EV]Y?+ & 9 ITSELF4 ,IT IS ,GOD1 & IT IS ?AT = SOME REASON LIMIT$ P>TICLE ( ,GOD :I* COMPOSES \R ACTUAL 0SELF40 

,BUT :AT !N1 IS ?IS ,GOD1 I4 E41 SOME?+ ET]NAL1 9F9ITE1 OMNIPOT5T1 :I* HAS BECOME MORTAL1 F9ITE1 WEAK8 ,:Y DID ,GOD DIVIDE HIMSELF )9 HIMSELF8 ,I DO NOT KN[1 BUT ,I KN[ ?AT ?IS IS SO1 & ?AT 9 ?IS IS LIFE4 ,ALL ?AT WE KN[ IS NO?+ ELSE ?AN JU/ SU* DIVISIONS (.<#a#a#g.> ,GOD4 ,ALL ?AT WE KN[ AS ! WORLD IS ! KN[L$GE ( !SE DIVISIONS4 ,\R KN[L$GE ( ! WORLD 7?AT :I* WE CALL MATT] 9 SPACE & TIME7 IS ! CONTACT ( ! LIMITS ( \R DIV9ITY ) ITS O!R DIVISIONS4 ,BIR? & DEA? >E ! TRANSITIONS FROM ONE DIVISION 9TO ANO!R4 

#f7 ,! DIFF]5CE BETWE5 ,*RI/IAN HAPP9ESS & PAGAN IS ?IS1 ?AT ! PAGAN SEEKS HAPP9ESS1 PREP>ES IT = HIMSELF1 AWAITS IT1 DEM&S IT--! ,*RI/IAN SEEKS1 PREP>ES1 AWAITS & DEM&S ! K+DOM ( ,GOD & ACCEPTS HAPP9ESS :5 IT COMES AS SOME?+ UNEXPECT$1 UNDES]V$1 UNPREP>$4 ,& IT IS NO LESS4 

,JAN4 #a#h4 ,MOSC[4 

,DISMAL1 HORRID4 ,EV]Y?+ REPELS ME 9 ! LIFE !Y LEAD >\ND ME4 ,N[ ,I FREE MYSELF FROM SADNESS & SUFF]+1 !N AGA9 ,I FALL 9TO IT4 ,9 NO?+ IS IT SO APP>5T1 AS 9 ?IS1 H[ F> ,I AM FROM :AT ,I WANT TO BE4 ,IF MY LIFE W]E REALLY 5TIRELY 9 ! S]VICE ( ,GOD1 !RE W\LD BE NO?+ :I* C\LD DI/URB IT4 

,I AM /ILL WRIT+ ON >T4 ,IT IS BAD4 ,A ,DUKHOBOR WAS H]E4 

,FEB4 #d4 ,NI*OLSKOE ) ! ,OLSUPHIEVS4 

,I AM ALREADY H]E ! #d? DAY & AM 9EXPRESSIBLY SAD4 ,I AM WRIT+ BADLY ON >T4 ,I JU/ N[ PRAY$ & BECAME HORRIFI$ AT H[ L[ ,I HAVE.<#a#a#h.> FALL54 ,I ?9K1 ,I ASK MYSELF1 :AT AM ,I TO DO2 ,I D\BT1 ,I HESITATE1 AS IF ,I DID NOT KN[ OR HAD =GOTT5 :O ,I WAS & !RE=E :AT ,I WAS TO DO4 ,TO REMEMB] ?AT ,I AM NOT MA/]1 BUT S]VANT & TO DO ?AT TO :I* ,I HAVE BE5 PUT4 ,) :AT LABOR HAVE ,I /RUGGL$ & ATTA9$ ?IS KN[L$GE1 H[ UND\BT$ IS ?IS KN[L$GE & H[ ,I CAN =GET IT NEV]!LESS--NOT EXACTLY =GET IT1 BUT LIVE )\T APPLY+ IT4 

444 ,WELL1 5\< AB\T ?IS4 

,I AM GO+ TO WRITE \T :AT ,I ?\<T DUR+ ?IS TIME3 

#a7 ,:5 ALL IS SAID & DONE1 IT IS ?OSE PEOPLE OV] :OM VIOL5CE IS US$ :O ALWAYS RULE1 I4E41 ?OSE :O FULFILL ! LAW ( NONRESI/ANCE4 ,SO WOM5 SEEK RI<TS1 BUT IT IS !Y :O RULE1 JU/ BECAUSE !Y >E ! ONES SUBJECT$ TO =CE--!Y W]E & !Y /ILL >E4 ,9/ITUTIONS >E 9 ! P[] ( M51 BUT PUBLIC OP9ION IS 9 ! P[] ( WOM54 ,& PUBLIC OP9ION IS A MILLION TIMES /RONG] ?AN ANY LAWS & >MIES4 ,! PRO( ?AT PUBLIC OP9ION IS 9 ! H&S ( WOM5 IS ?AT NOT ONLY ! CON/RUCTION ( HOMES1 FOOD1 >E DET]M9$ BY WOM51 & NOT ONLY DO ! WOM5 SP5D ! WEAL?1 CONSEQU5TLY CONTROL ! LABOR ( M51 BUT ! SUCCESS ( WORKS ( >T1 ( BOOKS1 EV5 ! APPO9TM5T ( RUL]S1 >E DET]M9$ BY PUBLIC OP9ION2 & PUBLIC OP9ION IS DET]M9$ BY WOM54 ,SOME ONE WELL SAID ?AT.<#a#a#i.> M5 MU/ SEEK EMANCIPATION FROM WOM51 & NOT ! CONTR>Y4 

#b7 7,= ,! ,APPEAL74.<#a#g.> ,UNMASK ! DECEIV]S1 SPREAD ! TRU? & DO NOT FE>4 ,IF IT W]E A MATT] ( SPREAD+ DECEPTION & MURD]1 !N ( C\RSE1 IT W\LD BE T]RIBLE1 BUT H]E Y\ W\LD BE SPREAD+ ! FRE$OM FROM DECEPTION & MURD]4 ,BESIDES1 !RE IS NO GR\ND = FE>4 ,( :OM8 ,!Y 444 >E !MSELVES AFRAID4 

,I REMEMB] !RE WORK$ = US 9 \R VILLAGE A WEAK & PHLEGMATIC #ab YE>-OLD BOY :O ONCE CAU<T ON ! ROAD & BR\<T BACK1 AN 5ORM\S HEAL?Y PEASANT1 A ?IEF1 :O HAD TAK5 A COAT FROM ! HALL4 

#c7 ,! POETS1 ! V]SE-MAK]S TORTURE !IR TONGUES 9 ORD] TO BE ABLE TO SAY EV]Y POSSIBLE K9D ( ?\<T 9 EV]Y POSSIBLE V>IETY ( WORD & TO BE ABLE TO =M FROM ALL !SE WORDS SOME?+ :I* RESEMBLES A ?\<T4 ,SU* EX]CISE CAN ONLY BE 9DULG$ 9 BY UNS]I\S PEOPLE4 ,& SO IT IS4 

#d7 ,IF WE NEV] MOV$1 !N EV]Y?+ :I* WE SAW W\LD APPE> TO US FLAT & NOT 9 P]SPECTIVE4 ,MOTION GIVES US A CONCEPTION ( ?+S 9 ?REE DIM5SIONS ( SPACE4 ,! SAME ?+ IS TRUE CONC]N+ ! MAT]IAL SIDE ( ?+S3 IF WE W]5'T LIV+1 W]E NOT MOV+ 9 LIFE1 WE W\LD SEE ONLY ! MAT]IAL SIDE ( ?+S2 BUT MOV+ 9 LIFE1 MOV+ \R SPIRITUAL SIDE ACROSS.<#a#b.> ! MAT]IAL SIDE ( ! WORLD1 WE RECOGNIZE ! FALS5ESS ( ! IDEA ?AT ! MAT]IAL IS ACTUALLY SU* AS IT APPE>S TO US4 

#e7 ,TW5TY TIMES ,I HAVE REPEAT$ IT1 & #b TIMES ! ?\<T COMES TO ME AS NEW1 ?AT RELEASE FROM ALL EXCITEM5T1 FE>1 SUFF]+1 FROM PHYSICAL & ESPECIALLY FROM SPIRITUAL1 LIES 9 DE/ROY+ 9 ONE'S SELF ! ILLUSION ( ! UNION ( ONE'S SPIRITUAL 0SELF0 ) ONE'S PHYSICAL4 ,& ?IS IS ALWAYS POSSIBLE4 ,:5 ! ILLUSION IS DE/ROY$ !N ! SPIRITUAL 0SELF0 CAN SUFF] ONLY FROM ! FACT ?AT IT IS JO9$ TO ! PHYSICAL1 BUT NOT FROM HUNG]1 PA91 SORR[1 JEAL\SY1 %AME1 ETC4 ,9 ! FIR/ CASE1 AS LONG AS IT IS JO9$ IT DOES ?AT :I* ! PHYSICAL 0SELF0 WANTS3 IT GETS ANGRY1 CONDEMNS1 SCOLDS1 /RIKES2 9 ! SECOND CASE1 :5 IT IS SEP>AT$ FROM ! PHYSICAL1 IT DOES ONLY ?AT :I* CAN FREE IT FROM ! TORTUR+ UNION4 ,& ONLY ! MANIFE/ATIONS ( LOVE FREES IT4 

#f7 ,= ! >TICLE ON ,>T4 ,:5 IT IS BEAUTY ?AT IS RECOGNIZ$ AS ! AIM ( >T1 !N EV]Y?+ WILL BE >T :I* = C]TA9 PEOPLE WILL APPE> AS BEAUTY1 I4E41 EV]Y?+ :I* WILL PLEASE C]TA9 PEOPLE4 

#g7 ,I HAVE NOT$1 0! H>M ( >T1 ESPECIALLY MUSIC0 & ,I WANT$ TO WRITE ?AT ,I HAD =GOTT51 BUT :ILE ,I WAS WRIT+1 ,I REMEMB]$4 ,!.<#a#b#a.> H>M ( >T IS PR9CIPALLY ?IS1 ?AT IT TAKES UP TIME1 HID+ FROM PEOPLE !IR IDL5ESS4 ,I KN[ ?AT IT IS H>MFUL :5 IT 5C\RAGES IDL5ESS BO? = ! PRODUC]S & ?OSE :O 5JOY IT1 BUT ,I CANNOT SEE A CLE> DEF9ITION ( :5 IT IS P]MISSIBLE1 USEFUL1 GOOD4 ,I %\LD LIKE TO SAY ONLY !N :5 IT IS A RE/ FROM LABOR1 LIKE SLEEP1 BUT ,I DO NOT YET KN[ IF ?AT IS SO4 

#h7 7,= ,! ,APPEAL74 ,Y\ >E MI/AK51 Y\ POOR1 IF Y\ ?9K ?AT Y\ CAN %AME OR T\* OR CONV9CE ! RI* MAN TO DIVIDE ) Y\4 ,HE CANNOT DO ?AT BECAUSE HE SEES ?AT Y\ WANT ! SAME ?+ ?AT HE WANTS & ?AT Y\ >E FI<T+ HIM ) ! SAME MEANS ) :I* HE FI<TS Y\4 ,Y\ WILL NOT ONLY CONV9CE HIM1 BUT Y\ WILL COMPEL HIM TO YIELD TO Y\ ONLY BY CEAS+ TO SEEK ?AT :I* HE SEEKS1 CEAS+ TO /RUGGLE ) HIM1 BUT IF Y\ CEASE TO /RUGGLE Y\ WILL CEASE ALSO 444 7V]Y IMPORTANT74 

#i7 ,IF ! 5D ( >T IS NOT ! GOOD1 BUT PLEASURE1 !N ! DI/RIBUTION ( >T WILL BE DIFF]5T4 ,IF ITS 5D IS ! GOOD1 !N IT WILL 9EVITABLY BE SPREAD AMONG ! GREATE/ NUMB] ( PEOPLE2 IF ITS 5D IS PLEASURE1 !N IT WILL BE CONF9$ TO A SMALL NUMB] 7NOT EXACT & /ILL UNCLE>74 

#a7 ,>T IS--,I WAS GO+ TO WRITE FOOD1 BUT IT IS BETT] TO SAY--SLEEP1 NECESS>Y = ! SU/5ANCE ( ! SPIRITUAL LIFE4 ,SLEEP IS USEFUL1 NECESS>Y.<#a#b#b.> AFT] LABOR4 ,BUT >TIFICIAL SLEEP IS H>MFUL1 DOES NOT REFRE%1 DOES NOT /IMULATE1 BUT WEAK5S4 

#a#a7 ,I HE>D C\NT]PO9T S++ & 444.<#a#g#a.> ,?IS IS ! DE/RUCTION ( MUSIC1 A MEANS ( P]V]T+ IT4 ,!RE IS NO S5SE TO IT1 NO MELODY1 & ANY FIR/ S5SELESS SEQU5CE ( S\NDS >E TAK5 & FROM ! COMB9ATION ( !SE 9SIGNIFICANT SEQU5CES IS =M$ SOME K9D ( A T$I\S RESEMBLANCE TO MUSIC4 ,! BE/ IS :5 ! LA/ *ORD IS F9I%$4 

#a#b7 ,! MO/ SEV]E & CONSEQU5TIAL AGNO/IC1 :E!R HE WANTS IT OR DOES NOT WANT IT1 RECOGNIZES ,GOD4 ,HE CANNOT BUT RECOGNIZE ?AT 9 ! FIR/ PLACE1 9 ! EXI/5CE BO? ( HIMSELF & ( ! :OLE WORLD1 !RE IS SOME MEAN+ 9ACCESSIBLE TO HIM2 & 9 ! SECOND1 !RE IS A LAW ( HIS LIFE1 A LAW TO :I* HE CAN SUBMIT OR FROM :I* HE CAN ESCAPE4 ,& IT IS ?IS RECOGNITION ( ! HI<E/ MEAN+ ( LIFE1 9ACCESSIBLE TO MAN BUT 9EVITABLY EXI/+1 & ( ! LAW ( ONE'S LIFE1 :I* IS ,GOD & ,HIS WILL4 ,& ?IS RECOGNITION ( ,GOD IS IMM5SELY /RONG] ?AN ! RECOGNITION ( 444 ETC4 ,TO BELIEVE LIKE ?IS MEANS TO DIG TO B$ROCK1 TO ! MA9L&1 & TO BUILD ! H\SE ON ?AT4 

#a#c7 ,/EPA.<#a#g#b.> RELAT$ ! PHYSIOLOGIC PROCESS :I* TAKES PLACE 9 ! 9FANT :5 IT SEP>ATES FROM ITS MO!R4 ,TRULY IT IS A MIRACLE4 

.<#a#b#c.> 

,?IS ?\<T OCCUPI$ ME 9 RELATION TO ! DOCTR9E ?AT EV]Y?+ MAT]IAL IS ILLUSION4 ,H[ CAN ILLUSION TAKE PLACE !RE :]E ,I DO NOT SEE IT8 ,AS Y\ SEE IT1 SO IT TAKES PLACE4 ,Y\ SEE EV]Y?+ ?R\< Y\R GLASSES4 ,?AT IS WELL 5\< AS REG>DS ALL O!R PH5OM5A1 BUT H]E ! MO/ FUNDAM5TAL ?+ IS TAK+ PLACE1 ?AT FROM :I* ! :OLE ( MY LIFE & ( EV]Y?+ LIV+ IS COMPOS$3 ! DETA*M5T FROM ! WORLD4 ,& H]E RI<T 9 FRONT ( MY EYES ?IS DETA*M5T IS TAK+ PLACE2 !RE WAS ONE & !RE BECAME TWO1 LIKE AMONG ! FIR/ CELLS1 7UNCLE>47 

#a#d7 ,EV]Y LIV+ BE+ C>RIES )9 HIMSELF ALL ! POSSIBILITIES ( ITS ANCE/ORS4 ,HAV+ BE5 DETA*$1 HE MANIFE/S SEV]AL ( !M1 BUT C>RIES 9 HIMSELF ! REMA9+ ONES & ACQUIRES NEW ONES4 ,9 ?IS LIES ! PROCESS ( LIFE2 TO UNITE & TO SEP>ATE4 7,/ILL MORE UNCLE>47 

,I HAVE DECID$ NO MATT] :AT HAPP5S1 TO WRITE EV]Y DAY4 ,NO?+ /R5G!NS ONE SO MU* = ! GOOD4 ,IT IS ! BE/ PRAY]4 

,EV5+1 ,FEBRU>Y #d4 ,NI*OLSKOE4 

,9 ! MORN+ ,I WROTE ?IS DI>Y & LAT] TRI$ TO WRITE1 BUT C\LD DO NO?+2 HAD NO DESIRE4 ,UND\BT$LY IF !RE BE /R5G? & CAPACITY TO WRITE1 !N ONE \<T TO S]VE ,GOD4 

,IT IS JU/ AS GLOOMY4 ,I DO NOT PRAY 5\<1 H\RLY4 

.<#a#b#d.> 

,FEBRU>Y #e1 ,NI*OLSKOE4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,FEBRU>Y #e1 ,NI*OLSKOE4 

,/ILL ! SAME 9TELLECTUAL1 CREATIVE1 WEAKNESS4 ,BUT ,I ?9K IT IS ALMO/ HOPELESS4 ,!RE WAS A SE>* AT ,*]TKOV'S4 ,S4 >RIV$4 

,I ?\<T3 ,I1 A WORK]1 AM ,I DO+ ! WORK COMM&$8 ,9 ?IS IS EV]Y?+4 ,LORD1 HELP ME4 

,FEB4 #f4 ,NI*OLSKOE4 

,9 ! MORN+ ,GORBUNOV >RIV$2 9 ! EV5+ A TELEGRAM ?AT ! ,*]TKOVS >E LEAV+ ON ,?URSDAY4.<#a#g#c.> ,I PREP>$ TO GO ) ,SONYA4.<#a#g#d.> ,AM JU/ GO+4 ,HEAL? BETT]4 

,FEB4 #g4 ,PET]SBURG4 

,W5T TO ,*]TKOV4 ,IT IS JOY\S !RE4 ,!N TO ,Y>O%5KO4.<#a#g#e.> 

444 ,I PRAY ?AT ,I DO NOT AB&ON H]E OR ANY:]E ! CONSCI\SNESS ( MY MISSION1 TO BE FULFILL$ BY K9DNESS4 

,FEB4 #h4 ,PET]SBURG4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,I WAS ALIVE1 BUT MADE NO 5TRIES ! TWO DAYS4  
,TO-DAY1 ,FEB4 #a4 

,IT DOESN'T MATT]1 IT DOESN'T MATT]1 SIL5CE4 ,I WAS AT ,/ASOV'S & ,TOL/OY'S4.<#a#g#f.> ,DID NO?+.<#a#b#e.> BAD1 BUT NO?+ GOOD EI!R4 ,RA!R SOME GOOD4 ,LORD KEEP ME FROM A SPELL1 BUT ,I AM BETT]4 ,HAVE ?\<T NO?+4 

,AGA9 AT ! ,OLSUPHIEVS 9 ,NI*OLSKOE1  
,FEB4 #a#f4 

,I RETURN$ ON ! MORN+ ( ! DAY BE=E YE/]DAY1 & FELL ILL4 ,YE/]DAY ,I WAS BETT]1 WROTE ON >T4 ,GOOD4 

444 ,WOM5 DO NOT CONSID] ! DEM&S ( REASON B9D+ UPON !MSELVES & CANNOT PROGRESS ACCORD+ TO !M4 ,!Y HAV5'T GOT ?IS SAIL SPREAD4 ,!Y R[ )\T A RUDD]4.<#a#g#g.> 

,I AM AGA9 FEEL+ UNWELL & V]Y SWEETLY SAD4 ,WROTE A LETT] TO ! ,*]TKOVS & TO ,PO%A4 ,AM NOT WORK+4 

,FEB4 #a#g4 ,NI*OLSKOE4 

,I DO NOT FEEL WELL4 ,I TRI$ TO WRITE ON >T4444 

444 ,RECEIV$ LETT]S2 AN ADAPTATION ( ,ON ,LIFE FROM ! ,AM]ICAN4.<#a#g#h.> ,WROTE TWO LETT]S TO ,SONYA YE/]DAY & S5T !M TO-DAY4.<#a#g#i.> 

,HAV+ BE5 ?9K+ EV5 BE=E ,PET]SBURG3 

#a7 7,= ,! ,APPEAL73 ,TO DESCRIBE ! CONDITION ( ! FACTORY WORK]S1 ! S]VANTS1 SOLDI]S1 AGRICULTURAL LABOR]S 9 COMP>ISON ) ! RI*1 & %[ ?AT IT ALL COMES FROM4444 

#b7 ,9 ! ,MIDDLE ,AGES1 9 ! ,X,I? ,C5TURY1 POETRY WAS G5]AL--! PEOPLE & ! MA/]S1 LES C\RTOIS ET LES VILA9S2 !N !Y SEP>AT$ &.<#a#b#f.> LES VILA9S BEGAN TO MIMIC ! MA/]S' & ! MA/]S ! PEOPLE'S4 ,A UNION \<T TO TAKE PLACE AGA94 

#c7 ,A HUNDR$ TIMES ,I HAVE SAID IT TO MYSELF & HAVE WRITT5 IT D[N3 ! REAL & ONLY SALVATION FROM ALL SORR[ IS ! KN[L$GE ( ONE'S MISSION1 ! ANXIETY :E!R Y\ HAVE DONE ?AT = :I* Y\ W]E S5T4 

#d7 ,NE>LY EV]Y HUSB& & WIFE REPROA* EA* O!R = ?+S = :I* !Y DO NOT CONSID] !MSELVES GUILTY4 ,BUT ON ! ONE SIDE !RE IS NO CEAS+ TO ACCUSE1 NOR ON ! O!R TO V9DICATE4 

#e7 ,!Y DO NOT RUN AFT] A POET OR A PA9T] SO MU*1 AS AFT] AN ACTOR1 & ESPECIALLY AFT] A MUSICIAN4 ,MUSIC CALLS =? A DIRECT PHYSICAL EFFECT1 SOMETIMES ACUTE1 SOMETIMES *RONIC4 

#f7 ,WE ABSOLUTELY FALSELY ASCRIBE 9TELLIG5CE & GOODNESS TO TAL5T1 & ! SAME TO BEAUTY4 ,9 ?IS LIES GREAT SELF-DELUSION4 

#g7 ,IT CAME 9TO MY HEAD ) REM>KABLE CLE>NESS ?AT 9 ORD] TO ALWAYS FEEL GOOD1 IT IS NECESS>Y ALWAYS TO ?9K ( O!RS1 ESPECIALLY :5 Y\ SPEAK ) SOME ONE4 

#h7 ,! MOVEM5T ( LIFE1 ! BROAD5+ ( A SEP>ATE BE+ GIVES TIME4 ,IF !RE W\LD BE NO MOVEM5T1 NO 5L>G+ ( LOVE1 !N !RE W\LD BE NO TIME2 AS TO SPACE1 IT IS ! REPRES5TATION ( O!R BE+S4 ,IF !RE W]E NO O!R BE+S1.<#a#b#g.> !RE W\LD BE NO SPACE4 7,ALL NONS5SE1 UN?\<T74 

#i7 ,WOM5 >E DEPRIV$ ( A MORAL S5SE = A MOTOR4 ,!Y HAV5'T GOT ?IS SAIL SPREAD & !RE=E IT DOES NOT C>RY4 

,FEB4 #a#h1 ,NI*OLSKOE4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,FEB4 #a#h4 ,NI*OLSKOE4 

,=TY-FIVE YE>S AGO ,I WAS 9 BATTLE4.<#a#h.> 

,I FEEL A GREAT S9K+ 9 5]GY4 ,I AM V]Y WEAK1 CANNOT WORK4 ,BUT IS IT NOT POSSIBLE TO LIVE UNCEAS+LY BE=E ,GOD1 DO+ ,HIS WORK 9 PROPORTION TO ,HIS /R5G?4 ,I %ALL TRY4 ,HELP ME1 ,LORD4 ,I %ALL TAKE UP ! LETT]S4 ,H]E DEM&S >E MADE1 & IT IS POSSIBLE TO FULFILL ,HIS WORK4 

,EV5+4 ,9DISPOS$4 ,APA?Y1 WEAKNESS4 ,AM NOT TAK+ UP ! ESSAY1.<#a#h#a.> WROTE LETT]S4 ,JU/ N[ A LETT] FROM ,BIRIUKOV4 ,I ANSW]$ IT4 

,FEBRU>Y #a#i4 ,NI*OLSKOE4 

,I AM JU/ AS APA!TIC1 BUT AM NOT WORRI$4 ,WROTE LETT]S4 ,WROTE TO EV]Y ONE4 ,I AM GO+ TO B$1 IT IS PA/ TWELVE4 

,TO-DAY1 ,FEB4 #b1 ,NI*OLSKOE4 ,SEV5 O'CLOCK 9 ! EV5+4 

,I /ILL FEEL JU/ AS BADLY2 CON/IPATION & HE>T-BURN4 ,I FELL ASLEEP 9 ! MORN+4 ,!N1 NOT.<#a#b#h.> TRY+ TO WORK1 ,I TOOK A WALK4 ,EXTREME WEAKNESS4 ,MY S\L IS CALM1 ONLY IT IS A BORE ?AT ,I AM UNABLE TO WORK4 ,! H\SE IS FULL ( PEOPLE4 

444 ,YE/]DAY ,I WROTE MANY LETT]S4 

,I WALK$ & ?\<T3 

,!RE IS NO GREAT] CAUSE = ]ROR & CONFUSION ( IDEAS1 ! MO/ UNEXPECT$ ONES1 & 9EXPLICABLE 9 ANY O!R WAY1 ?AN ! RECOGNITION ( AU?ORITIES1 I4E41 ! 9FALLIBLE TRU?FULNESS OR BEAUTY ( C]TA9 P]SONS1 ( BOOKS OR ( WORKS ( >T4 ,M4 ,>NOLD.<#a#h#b.> WAS A ?\S& TIMES RI<T :5 HE SAID ?AT ! BUS9ESS ( CRITICISM LIES 9 DETA*+ ! GOOD FROM ! BAD1 FROM ALL ?AT HAS BE5 WRITT5 & DONE1 & MA9LY ! BAD FROM ?AT :I* IS RECOGNIZ$ AS SPL5DID1 & ! GOOD FROM ?AT :I* IS RECOGNIZ$ AS BAD1 OR IS NOT RECOGNIZ$ AT ALL4 ,! MO/ /RIK+ 9/ANCE ( ?IS ]ROR & ITS T]RIBLE CONSEQU5CES1 HOLD+ BACK = AGES ! =W>D MOVEM5T ( ,*RI/IAN MANK9D1 IS ! AU?ORITY ( ! ,HOLY ,SCRIPTURES & ! ,GOSPELS4 ,H[ MANY ( ! MO/ UNEXPECT$ & REM>KABLE ABSURDITIES1 SOMETIMES NECESS>Y = ITS [N JU/IFICATION1 SOMETIMES NOT NECESS>Y = ANY?+1 >E SAID & WRITT5 9 ! TEXT ( ! ,HOLY ,SCRIPTURES4444 ,! SAME ?+ HAPP5S 9 ! ,GREEK ,TRAG$IES1 9 ,V]GIL1 ,%AKESPE>E1 ,GOE!1 ,BA*1 ,BEE?OV51 ,RAPHAEL & 9 ! NEW AU?ORITIES4 

.<#a#b#i.> 

,P]HAPS ,I OMITT$ ! #b#a/4 ,TO-DAY1 P]HAPS ! #b#bND4 ,FEBRU>Y1 ,SATURDAY4 ,NI*OLSKOE4 

,YE/]DAY ,I DID NOT WORK4 ,I READ ?R\< ! FIR/ DRAFT ON >T--PRETTY GOOD4 ,I W5T = ,YU%KOVA'S.<#a#h#c.> DRESS4 ,IT WAS A NICE TRIP4 ,9 ! EV5+ !Y SPOKE AB\T ,>T & !N ,I HE>D ! BRO!RS ,KONIUS.<#a#h#d.> :O >RIV$4444 

,TO-DAY ,I AM A LITTLE BETT] 9 MY HEAL?1 ,I W5T ON SKIIS & FELT WEAK AT HE>T & UNEASY :5 ,I W5T F>4 ,IT IS EV5+ N[4 ,I FEEL LIKE WRIT+ LETT]S4 

,I ?\<T = ,! ,APPEAL :5 ,I LOOK$ AT ! NUMB]LESS SONS ( ,N4 9 !IR OV]COATS3 ,HE IS BR++ !M UP1 0MAK+0 M5 ( ! WORLD ( !M4 ,:AT =8 

,Y\ WILL SAY3 Y\ LIVE AS Y\ DO = ! SAKE ( ! *ILDR54 ,:AT =8 ,:Y BR+ UP ANO!R G5]ATION ( ! SAME *EAT$ SLAVES1 NOT KN[+ :Y !Y LIVE1 & LIV+ SU* A JOYLESS LIFE8 

,FEB4 #b#c4 ,NI*OLSKOE4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,FEBRU>Y #b#c1 ,NI*OLSKOE4 

,TO-DAY ,I WROTE WILL+LY & EAG]LY ALL MORN+ & IT SEEMS TO ME ,I ADVANC$ ON ! ESSAY ON >T4 ,!N ,I TOOK A WALK BE=E D9N]4 ,!RE IS /ILL A PILE ( PEOPLE4 ,NO S]I\S TALK4 ,YE/]DAY !RE WAS MUSIC4444 ,TO-DAY AN AMATEUR !ATRICAL4 ,TANIA & ,MI*AIL ,ADAMOVI*.<#a#c.> PLAY$ V]Y WELL4.<#a#h#e.> ,IT IS N[ EV5+4 ,! DAY HAS PASS$ ALMO/ )\T HE>T-BURN4 

,FEBRU>Y #b#d4 ,NI*OLSKOE4 

,TO-DAY ,I >OSE APA!TIC & FELL ASLEEP AGA9 RI<T AFT] LUN*EON4 ,AFT] ONE1 ,I W5T TO MEET ! RID]S4 ,CAME HOME1 D9$4 ,AM /RUGGL+ SUCCESSFULLY ) HE>T-BURN4 ,W5T = A WALK 9 ! EV5+4 

,READ & AM READ+ ,>I/OTLE 7,B5>D7 ON AES!TICS4 ,V]Y IMPORTANT4 

,?\<T DUR+ !SE DAYS3 

#a7 ,?\<T2 :Y IS IT IMPOSSIBLE TO EV5 SPEAK TO SOME PEOPLE 444 AB\T TRU? & GOOD--SO F> >E !Y AWAY FROM IT4 ,?IS IS SO1 BECAUSE !Y >E SURR\ND$ BY SU* A ?ICK LAY] ( TEMPTATIONS ?AT !Y HAVE BECOME IMP5ETRABLE4 ,!Y >E UNABLE TO /RUGGLE ) S91 BECAUSE !Y DO NOT SEE ! S9 = ! TEMPTATIONS4 ,9 ?IS LIES ! PR9CIPAL DANG] & ALL ! HORROR ( TEMPTATIONS4 

#b7 ,!Y SAY TO ME :5 ,I CONDEMN RELIGI\S PROPAG&A3 ,Y\ ALSO >E PREA*+4 ,NO1 ,I DO NOT PREA*--MA9LY BECAUSE ,I HAVE NO?+ TO PREA*4 ,EV5 TO A!I/S ,I AM NOT GO+ TO PREA* ,GOD 7IF ,I PREA*$1 ,I ]R$74 ,I ONLY DRAW CONCLUSIONS FROM :AT PEOPLE ACCEPT1 PO9T+ \T ! CONTRADICTIONS :I* >E 5CLOS$ 9 :AT !Y ACCEPT1 & :I* !Y DO NOT NOTICE4 

.<#a#c#a.> 

#c7 444 A G5]AL1 RESPECTABLE1 CLEAN1 CORRECT1 ) ?ICK EYE-BR[S & IMPORTANT MI5 7& UNCOMMONLY GOOD-NATUR$1 BUT DEPRIV$ ( EV]Y MORAL MOTIVE S5SE7 GAVE ME ! /RIK+ ?\<T1 AS TO H[ & BY :AT MEANS ?OSE MO/ 9DIFF]5T TO SOCIAL LIFE1 TO ! GOOD ( SOCIETY--AS TO H[ JU/ ?OSE PEOPLE RISE 9VOLUNT>ILY TO ! POSITION ( RUL]S ( PEOPLE4 ,I SEE H[ HE WILL MANAGE 9/ITUTIONS UPON :I* A MILLION LIVES DEP5D1 & JU/ BECAUSE HE LIKES CLEANL9ESS1 ELEGANCE1 REF9$ FOOD1 DANC+1 HUNT+1 BILLI>DS & EV]Y POSSIBLE K9D ( AMUSEM5T1 & NOT HAV+ ! MEANS TO KEEP HIMSELF 9 ?OSE REGIM5TS1 OR 9/ITUTIONS1 OR SOCIETIES :]E ALL ?IS EXI/1 IS ADVANC$ LITTLE BY LITTLE AS A GOOD & H>MLESS MAN & MADE A RUL] ( PEOPLE4 ,ALL >E LIKE ,N4 & !IR NAME IS LEGION4 

#d7 ,I AM READ+ ,>I/OTLE4 ,HE SAYS 9 ,POLITICS 7,BOOK ,V,I,I1 ,*APT] ,V,I,I,I73 0,DANS CETTE REPUBLIQUE P>FAITE1 \ LA V]TU DES CITOY5S S]A REELE1 ILS S'AB/I5DRONT DE T\TE PR(ESSION ME*ANIQUE1 DE T\TE SPECULATION M]CANTILE1 TRAVAUX DEGRADES 7DEGRADANTS87.<#a#h#f.> ET CONTRAIRES A LA V]TU4 ,ILS NE SE LIVR]ONT PAS DAVANTAGE A L'AGRICULTURE4 ,IL FAUT DU LOISIR P\R ACQU]IR LA V]TU0 444.<#a#h#g.> 

,ALL HIS AES!TICS HAS = ITS 5D 7            7.<#a#h#h.> VIRTUE4 ,& WE ) ! ,*RI/IAN UND]/&+ ( ! BRO!RHOOD ( MAN WANT TO BE GUID$ BY.<#a#c#b.> ! E?ICAL & AES!TICAL CONCEPTION ( ! ANCI5TS66 

,FEB4 #b#e4 ,NI*OLSKOE4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,FEBRU>Y #b#e4 ,NI*OLSKOE4 

,I AM ALIVE4 ,I HAVE WRITT5 A LITTLE--NOT AS EASILY AS YE/]DAY4 ,! GUE/S HAVE DEP>T$4 ,W5T = A WALK TWICE4 ,AM READ+ ,>I/OTLE4 ,TO-DAY ,I RECEIV$ LETT]S 444 

,YE/]DAY1 :ILE WALK+1 ,I PRAY$ & EXP]I5C$ A REM>KABLE S5SATION :I* IS P]HAPS SIMIL> TO ?AT :I* ! MY/ICS EXCITE 9 !MSELVES BY SPIRITUAL WORKS2 ,I FELT MYSELF TO BE A SPIRITUAL1 FREE BE+ B\ND BY ! ILLUSION ( ! BODY4 

,FEB4 #b#f4 ,NI*OLSKOE4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,FEB4 #b#f1 ,NI*OLSKOE4 

,I AM ALIVE4 ,I AM WRIT+1 SO AS TO KEEP MY RESOLUTION4 ,TO-DAY ,I WROTE LETT]S ALL MORN+1 BUT ,I HAD NO 5]GY = WORK4 

,W5T TO ,MME4 ,%OR94.<#a#h#i.> ,I HAD A GOOD TALK ) H]4 ,P]HAPS EV5 TO SOME PURPOSE4 ,JU/ AS ,ANNA ,MI*AILOVNA.<#a#i.> SAID TO-DAY1 ?AT ,I HELP$ H]4 ,& ?ANKS BE4 

,I COPI$ ! LETT] TO ,PO%A4 

.<#a#c#c.> 

,FEB4 #b#g4 ,NI*OLSKOE4 

,WROTE ?IS MORN+ POORLY1 BUT CLE>$ UP SOME?+ OR O!R4 ,AM WELL4 ,TOOK A WALK4 ,SPOKE ) ,TANIA4 ,& ?AT IS ALL4 

,YE/]DAY WAS ,FEB4 #b#h4 ,NI*OLSKOE4 

,I HAVE WRITT5 NO?+4 ,9 ! MORN+ ,I WORK$ BADLY4 ,RECEIV$ A LETT] FROM ,*]TKOV & ,IVAN ,MI*AILOVI* & WROTE TO BO?4 ,WALK$ & W5T TO ,SAFONOVO4.<#a#i#a.> 

,?IS MORN+ ,I ?\<T ( SOME?+ :I* SEEM$ TO ME IMPORTANT1 NAMELY3 

#a7 ,I WIP$ AWAY ! DU/ 9 MY ROOM & WALK+ >\ND1 CAME TO ! DIVAN & C\LD NOT REMEMB] :E!R ,I HAD DU/$ IT OR NOT4 ,JU/ BECAUSE !SE MOVEM5TS >E CU/OM>Y & UNCONSCI\S ,I C\LD NOT REMEMB] !M & ,I FELT ?AT IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO4 ,SO ?AT IF ,I DU/$ & =GOT IT1 I4E41 IF ,I DID AN ACT UNCONSCI\SLY2 !N IT IS JU/ ! SAME AS IF IT NEV] EXI/$4 ,IF SOME ONE CONSCI\S SAW IT1 !N P]HAPS IT C\LD BE RE/OR$4 ,BUT IF NO ONE SAW IT1 OR SAW IT UNCONSCI\SLY2 IF ! :OLE COMPLEX LIFE ( MANY PEOPLE PASS ALONG UNCONSCI\SLY1 !N ?AT LIFE IS AS IF IT HAD NEV] EXI/$4 ,SO ?AT LIFE--LIFE ONLY EXI/S !N1 :5 IT IS LIT BY CONSCI\SNESS4 

,:AT1 !N1 IS ?IS CONSCI\SNESS8 ,:AT >E ! ACTS :I* >E LIT BY CONSCI\SNESS8 ,! ACTS :I* >E LIT BY CONSCI\SNESS >E ?OSE ACTS :I*.<#a#c#d.> WE FULFILL FREELY1 I4E41 FULFILL+ !M WE KN[ ?AT WE MI<T HAVE ACT$ O!RWISE4 ,!RE=E1 CONSCI\SNESS IS FRE$OM4 ,)\T CONSCI\SNESS !RE IS NO FRE$OM & )\T FRE$OM !RE CAN BE NO CONSCI\SNESS 7IF WE >E SUBJECT$ TO VIOL5CE & WE HAVE NO *OICE AS TO H[ WE %\LD BE> ?AT VIOL5CE1 WE DO NOT FEEL ! VIOL5CE74 

,MEMORY IS NO?+ ELSE ?AN ! CONSCI\SNESS ( ! PA/1 ( ! PA/ FRE$OM4 ,IF ,I W]E UNABLE TO DU/ OR NOT TO DU/1 ,I W\LD NOT BE CONSCI\S ( DU/+1 IF ,I W]E NOT CONSCI\S ( DU/+1 ,I W\LD NOT HAVE ! *OICE ( DU/+ OR NOT DU/+4 ,IF ,I DID NOT HAVE CONSCI\SNESS & FRE$OM1 ,I W\LD NOT REMEMB] ! PA/1 ,I W\LD NOT UNITE IT 9TO ONE4 ,!RE=E ! V]Y BASIS ( LIFE IS FRE$OM & CONSCI\SNESS--A FRE$OM-CONSCI\SNESS4 

7,IT SEEM$ TO ME CLE>] :5 ,I WAS ?9K+47 

,M>* #a1 ,NI*OLSKOE4 

444 ,TO-DAY ,I C\LD NOT WRITE ANY?+ 9 ! MORN+ AT ALL--FELL ASLEEP4 ,I TOOK A WALK BO? 9 ! MORN+ & 9 ! EV5+4 ,IT WAS V]Y PLEASANT4 

,I ?\<T TWO ?+S3 

#a7 ,?AT DEA? SEEMS TO ME N[ JU/ AS A *ANGE3 A DIS*>GE FROM A =M] PO/ & AN.<#a#c#e.> APPO9TM5T TO A NEW ONE4 ,IT SEEMS ?AT ,I AM ALL WORN \T = ! =M] PO/ & ,I AM NO LONG] FIT4 

#b7 ,I ?\<T AB\T ,N AS A GOOD *>ACT] = A DRAMA2 GOOD-NATUR$1 CLEAN1 SPOIL$1 LOV+ PLEASURE BUT GOOD1 & 9CAPABLE ( CONCEIV+ A RADICAL MORAL REQUIREM5T4 

,I ALSO ?\<T3 

#c7 ,!RE IS ONLY ONE MEANS = /EADFA/NESS & PEACE3 LOVE1 LOVE T[>DS 5EMIES4 

,YES1 H]E ?IS PROBLEM WAS PRES5T$ TO ME FROM A SPECIAL1 UNEXPECT$ ANGLE & H[ BADLY ,I WAS ABLE TO SOLVE IT4 ,I MU/ TRY H>D]4 ,HELP ME1 ,FA!R4 

,M>* #b1 ,NI*OLSKOE4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,M>* #b1 ,NI*OLSKOE4 

,I AM ALIVE4 ,5TIRELY WELL4 ,TO-DAY ,I WROTE PRETTY WELL4 ,9 ! EV5+ AFT] D9N] ,I W5T TO ,%ELKOVO4 ,IT WAS A V]Y PLEASANT WALK 9 ! MOONLI<T4 

,WROTE A LETT] TO ,PO%A4 ,RECEIV$ A LETT] FROM ,TREGUBOV4 ,HE IS IRRITAT$ BECAUSE !Y 9T]CEPT ! LETT]S4 ,BUT ,I AM NOT VEX$4 ,I HAVE UND]/OOD ?AT ONE HAS TO PITY !M1 & ,I PITY TRULY4 ,TO-MORR[ WE GO4 ,WE HAVE BE5 H]E A :OLE MON?4 

.<#a#c#f.> 

,YE/]DAY WAS ,M>* #cRD4 ,MOSC[4 

,9 ! MORN+ ,I DID ALMO/ NO?+4 ,I /UMBL$ UP AGA9/ ! HI/ORIC C\RSE ( >T4 ,I TOOK A WALK4 ,AFT] D9N] ,I LEFT4 ,I >RIV$ AT #a4 

,M>* #d1 ,MOSC[4 

,GOT UP LATE4 ,H&L$ MY PAP]S1 WROTE LETT]S TO ,PO%A1 ,NAKA%IDZE4 ,W5T TO ! PUBLIC LIBR>Y1 TOOK BOOKS4 ,9 ! EV5+ ,DUNAEV &  
,B\LANG] W]E H]E4 ,IT IS N[ LATE4 ,I AM GO+ TO B$4 ,S4 IS AT A CONC]T4 

,M>* #e4 ,MOSC[4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,HEAV5S1 H[ MANY DAYS ,I HAVE SKIPP$3 ,TO-DAY1 ,M>* #i4 ,MOSC[4 

,\T ( ! F\R DAYS1 ,I WROTE TWO DAYS ON >T & TO-DAY PRETTY MU*4 ,I WANT$ TO WRITE ,HAJJI ,MURAD V]Y MU* & ?\<T \T SOME?+ PRETTY WELL--T\*+4 ,A LETT] FROM ,PO%A4 ,WROTE TO ,*]TKOV &  
,KONI AB\T ! T]RIBLE ?+ ?AT HAPP5$ TO ,MISS ,VIETROV4.<#a#i#b.> ,I AM NOT GO+ TO WRITE \T :AT ,I HAVE NOT$4 

,I AM /ILL 9 ! SAME PEACEFUL1 BECAUSE LOV+1 MOOD4 ,AS SOON AS ,I FEEL LIKE BE+ HURT OR WE>I$ ,I REMEMB] ,GOD & ?AT MY WORK IS ONLY ONE1 TO LOVE1 NOT TO ?9K ( ?AT :I* WILL BE--& ,I FEEL BETT] RI<T AWAY4 

,TANIA IS GO+ TO ,YASNAYA4 

.<#a#c#g.> 

,TO-DAY1 ,M>* #a#e1 ,MOSC[4 

,LIV$ NOT BADLY4 ,I SEE ! 5D ( ! ESSAY ON >T4 ,/ILL ! SAME PEACE4 ,I ?ANK ,GOD4 ,I HAVE JU/ N[ WRITT5 LETT]S4 ,IT IS EV5+4 ,I AM GO+ 9TO ! T$I\S DRAW+-ROOM4 

,TO-DAY1 ,APRIL #d1 ,MOSC[4 

,ALMO/ A MON? ,I HAVE NOT WRITT5 7#b DAYS71 & ,I HAVE LIV$ ! TIME BADLY1 BECAUSE ,I WORK$ LITTLE4 ,WROTE ALL ! TIME ON >T1 BECAME CONFUS$ !SE LA/ DAYS4 ,& N[ = TWO DAYS ,I HAV5'T WRITT54 

,I HAVE NOT LO/ MY PEACE1 BUT MY S\L IS TR\BL$1 /ILL ,I AM MA/] ( IT4 ,OH1 ,LORD6 ,IF ONLY ,I C\LD REMEMB] MY MISSION1 ?AT ?R\< ONESELF MU/ BE MANIFE/$ 7%9E7 DIV9ITY4 ,BUT ! DIFFICULTY IS1 ?AT IF Y\ REMEMB] ?AT ALONE Y\ WILL NOT LIVE2 & Y\ MU/ LIVE1 LIVE 5]GETICALLY1 & YET REMEMB]4 ,HELP ME1 ,FA!R4 

,I HAVE PRAY$ MU* LATELY ?AT MY LIFE BE BETT]4 ,BUT AS IT IS1 ! CONSCI\SNESS ( ! LAWLESSNESS ( MY LIFE IS %AMEFUL & DEPRESS+4 

,YE/]DAY ,I ?\<T V]Y WELL AB\T ,HAJJI ,MURAD--?AT 9 IT ! PR9CIPAL ?+ WAS TO EXPRESS A DECEPTION ( TRU/4 ,H[ GOOD IT W\LD HAVE BE51 W]E IT NOT = ?IS DECEPTION4 ,ALSO ,I AM ?9K+ MORE & MORE (T5 ( ,! ,APPEAL4 

,I AM AFRAID ?AT ! !ME ( >T HAS OCCUPI$.<#a#c#h.> ME LATELY = P]SONAL1 SELFI% & BAD REASONS4 ,JE M'5T5DS4 

,DUR+ ?IS TIME ,I MADE FEW NOTES & IF ,I HAD BE5 ?9K+ AB\T ANY?+ ,I HAVE =GOTT5 IT4 

#a7 ,! WORLD :I* WE KN[ & REPRES5T = \RSELVES1 IS NO?+ ELSE ?AN LAWS ( CO-RELATION BETWE5 \R S5SES 7S5S71 & !RE=E1 A MIRACLE IS A VIOLATION ( !SE LAWS ( CO-RELATION1 IT !RE=E DE/ROYS \R CONCEPTION ( ! WORLD4 ,9 ! CRUDE/ =M1 IT IS ?US3 ,I KN[ ?AT WAT] 7NOT FROZ57 IS ALWAYS LIQUID4 ,& ITS SPECIFIC GRAVITY IS LESS ?AN ?AT ( MY BODY4 ,MY EYES1 HE>+1 T\*1 DEMON/RATE TO ME LIQUID WAT]2 & SUDD5LY A MAN WALKS ON ?IS WAT]4 ,IF HE WALK$ ON ! WAT]1 !N IT PROVES NO?+1 BUT ONLY DE/ROYS MY CONCEPTION ( WAT]4 

#b7 ,A V]Y COMMON MI/AKE3 ,TO PLACE ! AIM ( LIFE 9 ! S]VICE ( PEOPLE & NOT 9 ! S]VICE ( ,GOD4 ,ONLY 9 S]V+ ,GOD1 I4E41 9 DO+ ?AT :I* ,HE WANTS1 CAN Y\ BE C]TA9 ?AT Y\ >E NOT DO+ SOME?+ VA9 & IT IS NOT IMPOSSIBLE TO *OOSE :OM Y\ >E TO S]VE4 

#c7 ,*UR* ,*RI/IANS DO NOT WANT TO S]VE ,GOD1 BUT WANT ,GOD TO S]VE !M4 

#d7 ,%AKESPE>E BEGAN TO BE VALU$ :5 ! MORAL CRIT]ION WAS LO/4 

#e7 7,= ,! ,APPEAL47 ,WE >E SO 5TANGL$ ?AT EV]Y ONE ( \R /EPS 9 LIFE IS A P>TICIPATION.<#a#c#i.> 9 EVIL3 9 VIOL5CE1 9 OPPRESSION4 ,WE MU/ NOT DESPAIR1 BUT WE MU/ SL[LY DIS5TANGLE \RSELVES FROM ?OSE NETS 9 :I* WE >E CAU<T2 NOT TO TE> \RSELVES ?R\<1--?AT W\LD 5TANGLE US WORSE--BUT TO DIS5TANGLE \RSELVES C>EFULLY4 

#f7.<#a#i#c.> 

,I AM 9 A V]Y BAD PHYSICAL CONDITION1 ALMO/ FEV]1 & ! BLACK GLOOM ?AT COMES BE=E1 BUT UP TO N[ ! SPIRITUAL IS ! /RONG]4 ,ESCORT$ ,MAUDE'S COLONY4.<#a#i#d.> ,IVAN ,MI*AILOVI* IS /ILL FREE4.<#a#i#e.> ,EV]Y?+ IS ALL RI<T4 

,APR4 #i4 ,MOSC[4 

,HAVE BE5 ILL4 ,) CALMNESS ,I ?\<T ?AT ,I W\LD DIE4 ,TO-DAY ,I WROTE WELL ON ,>T4 ,!Y HAVE TAK5 ,IVAN ,MI*AILOVI*4 ,!RE WAS A SE>* AT ,DUNAEV'S4.<#a#i#f.> ,IT IS ALL RI<T ) ! EXILES4.<#a#i#g.> 

,\TW>DLY ,I AM 5TIRELY CALM1 9W>DLY NOT 5TIRELY4 ,IT IS 5\< TO BE> 9 M9D ?AT EV]Y?+ IS = ! GOOD1 & :5 ,I BE> ?AT 9 M9D AS ,I DO N[--IT IS GOOD4 

,TO-DAY ,MAY #c4 ,YASNAYA ,POLYANA4 

,ALMO/ A MON? ,I HAVE MADE NO 5TRIES4 ,A BAD & /]ILE MON?4 

,I CUT \T & BURN$ ?AT :I* ,I WROTE 9 HEAT4.<#a#i#h.> 

.<#a#d.> 

,TO-DAY ,JULY #a#f4  
,Y4 ,P4 

,IT IS NOT ONE MON? ?AT ,I HAVE MADE NO 5TRIES1 BUT TWO & A HALF4 ,I HAVE LIV$ ?R\< MU*1 BO? ! DIFFICULT & ! GOOD4.<#a#i#i.> ,HAVE BE5 ILL4 ,V]Y SEV]E PA9S--,I ?9K 9 ! BEG9N+ ( ,JULY4.<#b.> 

,I WORK$ ALL ?IS TIME ON ! ESSAY ON >T1 & ! F>!R ,I GET ! BETT]4 ,I F9I%$ IT & AM CORRECT+ IT FROM ! BEG9N+4 

,MA%A M>RI$4.<#b#a.>444 

,WE DO NOT QUIET1 MOD]ATE PASSION1 ! S\RCE ( ! GREATE/ CALAMITIES1 BUT K9DLE IT ) ALL \R /R5G? & !N WE COMPLA9 ?AT WE SUFF]4444 

,GOOD LETT]S FROM ,*]TKOV4 ,A ,KIEV PEASANT WAS H]E1 ,%IDLOVSKY4.<#b#b.> 

,I FEEL ?AT ,I AM ALONE--?AT MY LIFE NOT ONLY DOES NOT 9T]E/ ANY ONE1 BUT ?AT !Y >E BOR$ & A%AM$ ?AT ,I CONT9UE TO OCCUPY MYSELF ) SU* TRIFLES4 

,I ?\<T DUR+ ?IS TIME3 

#a7 ,A TYPE ( WOMAN--!RE >E M5 SU* ALSO1 BUT MO/LY IT IS WOM5 :O >E 9CAPABLE ( SEE+ !MSELVES1 AS IF !IR NECKS W]E /ATION>Y & !Y C\LD NOT LOOK BACK AT !MSELVES4 ,IT ISN'T EXACTLY ?AT !Y DON'T WANT TO REP5T3 BUT !Y CAN'T SEE !MSELVES4 ,!Y LIVE AS !Y DO & NOT 9 ANO!R WAY1 BECAUSE ?IS WAY SEEMS GOOD TO !M4 ,& !RE=E IF !Y DO ANY?+.<#a#d#a.> IT IS BECAUSE IT SEEMS GOOD TO !M4 ,SU* PEOPLE >E T]RIFY+4 ,& SU* PEOPLE MAY BE 9TELLIG5T1 /UPID1 GOOD1 WICK$4 ,:5 !Y >E /UPID & WICK$ IT IS T]RIBLE4 

#b7 ,) A L[ MORAL /&>D1 A FIRMNESS ( JUDGM5T4 ,! ACTS ( ALL ! BE/ PEOPLE >E EXPLA9$ BY :AT ,I W\LD HAVE DONE4 ,*RI/ PREA*$ \T ( VANITY1 CONDEMN$ ! ,PH>ISEES FROM 5VY1 ETC4 

#c7 ,! SECOND CONDITION ( >T IS NOVELTY4 ,TO A *ILD EV]Y?+ IS NEW & !RE=E IT HAS MANY >TI/IC IMPRESSIONS4 ,! NEW = US1 IS A C]TA9 DEP? ( FEEL+1 ?AT DEP? 9 :I* A MAN F9DS HIS SEP>ATE 9DIVIDUALITY FROM ALL4 ,?AT IS = 9DIFF]5T >T4 ,= ! HI<E/1 NOVELTY LIES ONLY 9 RELIGION1 AS RELIGION IS ! MO/ ADVANC$ WORLD PO9T ( VIEW4 

#d7 7,= ! DRAMA47 ,!Y BR+ TO ! TABLE A MAN 9 TATT]S & !Y LAU< AT ! 9CONSI/5CY ( IT & AT HIS AWKW>DNESS4 ,REVOLT4 

#e7 ,:5 IT HAPP5S ?AT Y\ ?\<T ( SOME?+ & !N =GOT :AT Y\ ?\<T1 BUT Y\ REMEMB] & KN[ ! *>ACT] ( Y\R ?\<TS3 SAD1 DISMAL1 OPPRESSIVE1 JOY\S1 KE5--& EV5 REMEMB] !IR ORD]3 FIR/ IT WAS SAD1 & !N IT BECAME CALM1 ETC41--:5 Y\ REMEMB] ?+S ?AT WAY1 !N IT IS EXACTLY :AT MUSIC EXPRESSES4 

.<#a#d#b.> 

#f7 ,A !ME3 ,A PASSIONATE Y\NG MAN 9 LOVE ) A M5TALLY DISEAS$ WOMAN4 

#g7 ,GOD GAVE US ,HIS SPIRIT--LOVE1 REASON--9 ORD] TO S]VE ,HIM2 BUT WE USE ,HIS SPIRIT TO S]VE \RSELVES--WE USE ! AX TO PLANE ! H&LE4 

,I FEEL FULLY WELL & /RONG PHYSICALLY1 BUT MORALLY1 WEAK4 ,I FEEL LIKE WORK+ & AM ABLE4 ,I AM GO+ TO MAKE NOTES4.<#b#c.> 

,JULY #a#g4 ,YASN4 ,POL4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,JULY #a#g4 ,Y4 ,P4 

,GOT UP LATE1 WORK$ BADLY4 ,!RE IS NEI!R CONC5TRATION NOR CAPACITY TO EMBRACE EV]Y?+4 ,NEV]!LESS ,I HAVE ADVANC$4 ,MA%A CAME ) ,KOLIA 444 

,YE/]DAY ,I TALK$ AB\T LOVE ) ,N3 ?AT WE MADLY K9DLE ?IS PASSION & !N WE SUFF] FROM ITS EXAGG]ATIONS & EXCESSES4 

,W5T ON MY BICYCLE TO ,YAS5KI4 ,I LOVE ?IS MOTION V]Y MU*4 ,BUT ,I AM A%AM$4 

,A LETT] FROM ,*]TKOV2 HE IS V]Y ILL4 ,I VALUE HIM V]Y MU*4 ,& H[ NOT VALUE HIM4 

,IT IS N[ #a O'CLOCK4 ,! ,%5%9S HAVE LEFT JU/ N[4 ,I FEEL SOLEMN & GLOOMY4 

,JULY #a#h1 #a#h#i#g4 ,Y4 ,P4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

.<#a#d#c.> 

,I SKIPP$ ?REE DAYS4 ,TO-DAY  
,JULY #b#a4 ,Y4 ,P4 

,I AM WORK+ WELL 5\<4 ,I AM EV5 SATISFI$ ) MY WORK4 ,?\< ,I *ANGE MU*4 ,EV]Y?+ HAS COME TO A HEAD & HAS GA9$ MU*4 ,I HAVE BE5 REVIEW+ EV]Y?+ AGA9 FROM ! BEG9N+4 

,! LIFE >\ND ME IS V]Y WRET*$4444 

,I DO NOT KN[ :Y3 :E!R FROM ! /OMA* OR ! HEAT OR FROM EXCESSIVE PHYSICAL EX]CISE--BUT 9 ! EV5+S ,I FEEL V]Y WEAK4 

,A GOOD SPEE* BY ,CROOKES AS TO H[ A MICROSCOPIC MAN W\LD LOOK UPON ! WORLD4.<#b#d.> 

,YE/]DAY ,NOVIKOV WAS H]E & HE BR\<T SPL5DID NOTES BY ,MI*AEL ,NOVIKOV4.<#b#e.> ,WROTE LETT]S3 TO ,C>US1.<#b#f.> ,IVAN ,MI*AILOVI*4 ,A LETT] FROM ,EVG5IE ,IVANOVI*4.<#b#g.> 

,JULY #b#b4 ,Y4 ,P4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,JULY #b#h4 ,Y4 ,P4 

,SIX DAYS ?AT ,I HAV5'T WRITT54 ,?REE OR F\R DAYS AGO AT NI<T1 ,I HAD AN ATTACK ( *OL]A MORBUS & ! DAY AFT] ,I WAS ABSOLUTELY ILL & = TWO DAYS ,I HAVE BE5 V]Y WEAK & HAVE WRITT5 V]Y POORLY4 ,TO-DAY ,I AM A LITTLE BETT]4 

,! *ILDR5 W]E H]E3 ,ILIU%9'S FAMILY4.<#b#h.> ,!Y >E SWEET GR&*ILDR51 ESPECIALLY ,&RU%A4 ,:ATEV] NOTES ,I MADE1 ,I WILL NOT WRITE.<#a#d#d.> \T TO-DAY4 ,LONG9OV.<#b#i.> WAS H]E1 A FRI5D ( ,MME4 ,ANN5KOV'S & TO-DAY ,MAUDE & ,B\LANG]4 

,JULY #b#i4 ,Y4 ,P4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,TO-DAY ,AUG4 #g4  
,Y4 ,P4 

,DUR+ ?IS TIME A PILE ( GUE/S.<#b#a.> 444 TWO ,G]MANS1 DECAD5TS2 A NAIVE & A SOME:AT /UPID ONE4444 ,!RE W]E H]E3 ,NOVIKOV1 ! SCRIBE1 A V]Y P[]FUL MAN1 & ,BULAKHOV1.<#b#a#a.> ALSO A P[]FUL ONE MORALLY & 9TELLECTUALLY4 ,I LIVE V]Y BADLY1 WEAKLY4 ,V]Y LITTLE GOODNESS4 ,TO-DAY ! ,/AKHOVI*ES.<#b#a#b.> & ! ,MAKLAKOVS.<#b#a#c.> >RIV$ ALSO4 

,I CONT9UE TO WORK ON MY ESSAY ON >T &1 /RANGE TO SAY1 IT PLEASES ME4 ,YE/]DAY & TO-DAY ,I READ IT TO ,G9SBURG1 ,SOBOLEV1 ,KASATK9.<#b#a#d.> & ,GOLD5WEIS]4 ,! IMPRESSION IT PRODUCES ON !M IS EXACTLY ! SAME AS IT PRODUCES ON ME4 

,A LETT] FROM ,CROSBY ) A JOYFUL LETT] FROM A ,JAPANESE4.<#b#a#e.> ,FROM ,*]TKOV GOOD LETT]S4 ,! CORRESPOND5CE HAS BE5 V]Y NEGLECT$4 

,I AM 5TIRELY ALONE & ,I WEAK54 ,I (T5 SAY TO MYSELF ?AT ONE MU/ LIVE S]V+1 BUT :5 ,I 5T] LIFE1 ?\< ,I DO NOT EXACTLY =GET1 YET ,I SCATT] MYSELF4 

,I HAVE WRITT5 D[N MU*1 BUT TO-DAY ,I HAVE NO TIME TO WRITE IT \T4 

.<#a#d#e.> 

,FA!R1 HELP ME4 ,I WEAK54 

,I AM GO+ TO WRITE ABSOLUTELY EV]Y DAY4 

,AUG4 #h4 ,Y4 ,P4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,A PEASANT WAS H]E :O HAD HIS >M TORN BY A TREE & AMPUTAT$4 ,HE PL[S ) A LOOP ATTA*$4 

,AUG4 #i4 

,/AKHOVI* >RIV$4 ,READ ! ESSAY4 ,! T5? *APT] IS BAD4 ,I WORK$ PRETTY MU*4 ,HAVE WRITT5 POOR LETT]S4 ,I MU/ WRITE TO ,PO%A & TO ,IVAN ,MI*AILOVI*4 

,!RE IS NOT$ 9 ! BOOK3 

#a7 ,A S]VANT MAKES LIFE FALSE & CORRUPT4 ,AS SOON AS Y\ HAVE S]VANTS1 !N Y\ 9CREASE Y\R WANTS1 COMPLICATE LIFE & MAKE IT A BURD54 ,9/EAD ( JOY :5 Y\ DO ?+S Y\RSELF1 Y\ HAVE VEXATION & ! PR9CIPAL ?+1 Y\ R5\NCE ! MA9 DUTY ( LIFE2 ! FULFILLM5T ( ! BRO!RHOOD ( MAN4 

#b7 ,! AES!TIC & ! E?ICAL >E TWO >MS ( ONE LEV]3 TO ! EXT5T ?AT Y\ L5G!N & LI<T5 ONE SIDE1 TO ?AT EXT5T Y\ %ORT5 & MAKE HEAVI] ! O!R SIDE4 ,AS SOON AS A MAN LOSES HIS MORAL S5SE1 HE BECOMES P>TICUL>LY RESPONSIVE TO ! AES!TIC4 

#c7 ,PEOPLE KN[ TWO ,GODS3 ONE :OM !Y WANT TO =CE TO S]VE !M1 DEM&+ FROM.<#a#d#f.> HIM BY PRAY]S ! FULFILLM5T ( !IR DESIRES1 & ANO!R ,GOD1 ONE :OM WE \<T TO S]VE1 TO ! FULFILLM5T ( :OSE WILL1 ALL \R DESIRES \<T TO BE DIRECT$4 

#d7 ,IT IS A COMMON PH5OM5ON ?AT OLD PEOPLE LOVE TO TRAVEL1 TO GO F> & TO *ANGE PLACES4 ,IS IT NOT A =ESEE+ & A READ9ESS = ! LA/ J\RNEY8 

,AUG4 #a#e4 ,Y4 ,P4 

,I AM CONT9U+ TO WORK4 ,AM ADVANC+4 

,LOMBROSO WAS H]E--A LIMIT$1 NAIVE LITTLE OLD MAN4 ,! ,MAKLAKOVS4 ,LEO >RIV$ ) HIS WIFE4.<#b#a#f.> ,B\LANG]--A NICE MAN4 ,WROTE LETT]S TO EV]YBODY3 ,PO%A & ,IVAN ,MI*AILOVI* & ,VAN-D]-,VE]4 ,! OPPRESSIVE ,LEONTEV.<#b#a#g.> WAS H]E4 

,!RE WAS SOME?+ ,I WANT$ TO WRITE V]Y MU*1 BUT HAVE =GOTT54444 

,A REVOLT+ REPORT CONC]N+ ! MISSION>Y CONGRESS 9 ,KAZAN4.<#b#a#h.> 

,!RE IS NOT$3 0,WOMAN'S *>ACT]0--& ,I REMEMB] ?AT IT WAS SOME?+ V]Y GOOD4 ,N[ ,I HAVE =GOTT54 ,IT SEEMS TO ME ?AT IT WAS ?AT ! PECULI>ITY ( WOMAN'S *>ACT] IS ?AT H] FEEL+ ALONE GUIDES H] LIFE1 & ?AT REASON ONLY S]VES H] FEEL+4 ,%E CANNOT EV5 UND]/& ?AT FEEL+ CAN BE MADE SUBS]VI5T TO REASON4 

.<#a#d#g.> 

#b7 ,BUT !RE >E NOT SO MANY WOM5--AS !RE >E SU* M5--:O DO NOT HE>1 DO NOT SEE1 ! UNPLEASANT1 DO NOT SEE IT JU/ AS IF IT DIDN'T EXI/4 

#c7 ,:5 PEOPLE HAV5'T ! P[] TO GET RID ( SUP]/ITION & !Y CONT9UE TO PAY TRIBUTE TO IT1 & AT ! SAME TIME :5 !Y SEE ?AT O!RS HAVE FRE$ !MSELVES1 !Y GR[ ANGRY AT ?OSE :O HAVE FRE$ !MSELVES4 0,BUT ,I SUFF] :5 ,I COMMIT /UPIDITIES & HE IS FREE40 

#d7 ,>T1 I4E41 >TI/S1 9/EAD ( S]V+ PEOPLE1 EXPLOIT !M4 

#e7 ,FROM ! TIME ,I BECAME OLD1 ,I BEGAN TO CONFUSE PEOPLE1 444 BELONG+ OR BE+ M>K$ 9 MY M9D AS ONE TYPE4 ,SO ?AT ,I DO NOT KN[ ,N1 ,N ,N1 BUT ,I KN[ A COLLECTIVE P]SONALITY TO :I* ,N1 ,N ,N1 BELONG4 

#f7 ,WE >E SO ACCU/OM$ TO ! ?\<T ?AT EV]Y?+ IS = US1  
?AT ! E>? IS M9E1 ?AT :5 WE HAVE TO DIE1 WE >E SURPRIS$ ?AT MY E>?1 SOME?+ BELONG+ TO ME1 WILL REMA9 & ,I WON'T4 ,H]E ! PR9CIPAL MI/AKE IS 9 ?9K+ ! E>? AS SOME?+ ACQUIR$ & COMPLEM5T>Y TO ME1 :5 IT IS ,I :O AM ACQUIR$ BY ! E>?1 AN APP5DAGE TO IT4 

#g7 ,H[ GOOD IT W\LD BE IF WE C\LD LIVE ) ! SAME CONC5TRATION1 DO ! WORK ( LIFE--PR9CIPALLY2 COMMUNION AMONG PEOPLE--).<#a#d#h.> ?AT CONC5TRATION ) :I* WE PLAY *ESS1 READ MUSIC1 ETC4 

,AUG4 #a#f4 ,Y4 ,P4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,TO-DAY ,SEPT4 #a#i4 ,Y4 ,P4 

,MORE ?AN A MON? ,I HAVE MADE NO 5TRIES4 ,?+S >E ! SAME & ! WORK HAS BE5 ADVANC+ ALL ! TIME4 ,& IT C\LD ADVANCE /ILL MORE AS TO =M1 BUT !RE IS ABSOLUTELY NO TIME4 ,SU* AN AM\NT ( WORK6 ,A TYPI/ IS MAK+ ! F9AL COPY ON A ,REM+TON4 ,I HAVE REA*$ ! #a#i? *APT]1 9CLUSIVE4 

,DUR+ ?IS TIME ! IMPORTANT ?+ WAS ! EXPULSION (  
,B\LANG]4.<#b#a#i.> 

,MY WORK HAS BE5 9T]RUPT$ OCCASIONALLY ONLY BY A LETT] TO ! ,SW$I% PAP]S AB\T ! ,DUKHOBORS.<#b#b.> ON ! OCCASION ( ! ,NOBEL PRIZE4 

,ALSO ILL HEAL? 9T]RUPT$3 A T]RIBLE BOIL ON ! *EEK4 ,I ?\<T IT WAS A CANC]1 & ,I AM HAPPY ?AT IT WAS NOT V]Y UNPLEASANT TO ?9K ?AT3 ,I AM RECEIV+ A NEW APPO9TM5T2 ONE :I* 9 ANY CASE1 ISN'T SLIPP+ PA/ ME4 

,/4 ,JOHN WAS H]E4.<#b#b#a.> 

,MY WORK WAS 9T]RUPT$ ALSO BY ! >RIVAL ( ! ,MOLOKANS FROM ,SAM>A--9 REF]5CE TO !IR *ILDR5 :I* W]E TAK5 AWAY4.<#b#b#b.> ,I WANT$ TO WRITE ABROAD & EV5 WROTE A V]Y VIOL5T1 & :AT SEEM$ TO ME1 /RONG LETT]1 BUT.<#a#d#i.> *ANG$ MY M9D4 ,IT WAS NOT TO BE DONE BE=E ,GOD4 ,I HAVE TO TRY AGA94 

,TO-DAY ,I WROTE LETT]S3 TO ! ,EMP]OR1.<#b#b#c.> TO ,OLSUPHIEV1.<#b#b#d.> TO ,HEA?1.<#b#b#e.> & TO ,E4 ,I4 ,*]TKOV1.<#b#b#f.> & SAW ! ,MOLOKANS (F4 

,I WANT$ TO WRITE FROM MY NOTEBOOKS1 BUT IT IS LATE4 ,I AM GO+ TO B$4 

,SEPT4 #b4 ,YASN4 ,P4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,SEPT4 #b4 ,Y4 ,P4 

,LET ME WRITE EV5 A FEW WORDS4 ,! BOIL /ILL BO!RS ME V]Y MU*4 ,I HAVE NO FULL LIB]TE D'ESPRIT4 ,I WROTE ! ,SW$I% LETT] TO-DAY1 & 9 ! EV5+ TRANSLAT$ IT 9TO ,SW$I%.<#b#b#g.> ) ! ,SW$E4 

,I AM NOT WRIT+ FROM ! NOTEBOOK1 BUT ,I WILL NOTE ?AT :I* 5T]$ MY HEAD ) SPECIAL VIVIDNESS4 

,\R LIFE IS SO >RANG$ ?AT ALL \R C>E = \RSELVES1 ! USE ( \R REASON 7\R SPIRITUAL =CES7 = ! C>E ( \RSELVES1 BR+S ONLY UNHAPP9ESS4 ,& YET ?IS EGOTISM IS NECESS>Y 9 ORD] TO LIVE A SEP>ATE LIFE4 ,?AT IS ,HIS MY/]I\S WILL4 ,AS SOON AS Y\ LIVE = Y\RSELF1 Y\ P]I%2 :5 Y\ LIVE BEYOND Y\RSELF1 !RE IS PEACE & JOY BO? = Y\RSELF & = O!RS4 

,SEPT4 #b4 ,Y4 ,P4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

.<#a#e.> 

,TO-DAY ,SEPT4 #b#b4 ,Y4 ,P4 

444 ,YE/]DAY ,I F9I%$ ! TRANSLATION ) ,LANGLET4 

,TO-DAY ,I WAS BUSY ) ,>T1 BUT IT DIDN'T GO AT ALL1 & !RE=E ! PREC$+ DID NOT PLEASE ME4 

,S4 >RIV$ TO-DAY4 

,AT NI<T ,I ?\<T ( ! SEP>ATION ( LU/ FROM LOVE1 & ?AT E!R IS A CONCEPTION \TSIDE ( ! S5SES4 

,IT IS N[ PA/ TWELVE 9 ! MORN+4 ,I AM WAIT+ = ,ILYA & ,&RU%A4 ,I HAVE JU/ N[ WRITT5 A LETT] TO ! $ITOR ( !  
,TAGBLATT ,/OCKHOLM1 & TO ,*]TKOV4 

,SEPTEMB] #b#c4 ,Y4 ,P4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,OCT4 #b4 ,Y4 ,P4 

,I AM WORK+ ALL ! TIME ON ,>T4 ,! ABSCESS IS GO+ AWAY4 ,I %\LD HAVE LIK$ MORE PEACE4 ,YES 444 

,TO-DAY ,OCT4 #a#d4 ,Y4 ,P4 

444 ,I AM /ILL WRIT+ ON >T4 ,TO-DAY ,I CORRECT$ ! #a? *APT]4 ,I CLE>$ UP ! VAGUE P>TS4 

,I MU/ WRITE \T ! NOTEBOOKS2 ,I AM AFRAID ,I HAVE =GOTT5 MU*4 

#a7 ,!RE IS NO GREAT] PROP = A SELFI%1 PEACEFUL LIFE1 ?AN ! OCCUPATION ( >T = >T'S SAKE4.<#a#e#a.> ,! DESPOT1 ! VILLA91 MU/ 9EVITABLY LOVE >T4 7,I HAVE JOTT$ D[N SOME?+ ON ?IS ORD]1 BUT ,I CAN'T RECALL IT N[47 

#b7 ,I IMAG9$ CLE>LY TO MYSELF H[ JOY\S1 PEACEFUL1 & FULLY FREE A LIFE C\LD BE1 IF ONE GAVE ONESELF 5TIRELY TO ,GOD1 I4E41 9 EV]Y 9/ANCE 9 LIFE TO SEEK ONLY ONE ?+3 TO DO ?AT :I* ,HE WANTS--TO DO ?AT 9 SICKNESS1 9 (F5SE1 9 HUMILIATION1 9 SUFF]+1 9 ALL TEMPTATIONS & 9 DEA?--:I* W\LD !N BE ONLY A *ANGE 9 APPO9TM5T4 ,WEAKNESS1 ! NON-FULFILLM5T ( ?AT :I* ,GOD WANTS--:AT HAPP5S !N8 ,NO?+3 ,!RE IS A RETURN TO ! CONSCI\SNESS ?AT ONLY 9 ITS FULFILLM5T IS LIFE4 ,! MOM5TS ( WEAKNESS--!Y >E ! 9T]VALS BETWE5 ! LETT]S ( LIFE1 NOT LIFE4 ,FA!R1 HELP ME4 

#c7 ,I SAW 9 MY SLEEP H[ ,I ?9K1 ,I SAY1 ?AT ! :OLE MATT] LIES 9 MAK+ AN EF=T1 ?AT V]Y EF=T :I* IS SPOK5 ( 9 ! ,GOSPELS3 0,! ,K+DOM ( ,GOD IS ATTA9$ BY EF=T40 ,EV]Y?+ ?AT IS GOOD1 EV]Y?+ ?AT IS REAL1 EV]Y TRUE ACT ( LIFE IS ACCOMPLI%$ ?R\< EF=TS2 MAKE NO EF=T1 SWIM ) ! CURR5T & Y\ DO NOT LIVE4 ,BUT1 H[EV]1 ! 444 DOCTR9E PREA*ES ?AT EF=T IS S91 IT IS PRIDE1 IT IS RELY+ ON ONE'S [N /R5G?3 ! LAY DOCTR9E SAYS ! SAME ?+3 EF=T BY ONESELF IS USELESS2 ORGANIZATION1 SURR\ND+S DO EV]Y?+4 ,:AT ]ROR6 ,EF=T IS MORE IMPORTANT ?AN ANY?+4.<#a#e#b.> ,EV]Y LEA/ LITTLE BIT ( EF=T3 ! CONQU]+ ( LAZ9ESS1 GRE$1 LU/1 WRA?1 DEPRESSION--IS ! MO/ IMPORTANT ( IMPORTANT ?+S2 IT IS ! MANIFE/ATION ( ,GOD 9 LIFE2 IT IS ,K>MA2 IT IS ! BROAD5+ ( ONE'S 0SELF40 ,:ATEV] HAD BE5 M>K$ (F IS GUESS WORK4.<#b#b#h.> 

#d7 ,DETAILS = ,HAJJI ,MURAD3 #a7 ,! %AD[ ( AN EAGLE OV] ! SLOPE ( A M\NTA92 #b7 AT ! RIV]1 ON ! S&S1 >E TRACKS ( HORSES1 ANIMALS1 PEOPLE2 #c7 RID+ 9TO ! =E/1 ! HORSES SNORT KE5LY2 #d7 FROM BEH9D A CLUMP ( TREES A GOAT JUMP$ \T4 

#e7 ,:5 PEOPLE >E 5?USIA/IC AB\T ,%AKESPE>E1 ,BEE?OV51 !Y >E 5?USIA/IC AB\T !IR [N ?\<TS1 DREAMS1 :I* >E CALL$ =? BY ,%AKESPE>E1 ,BEE?OV51 JU/ AS PEOPLE 9 LOVE DO NOT LOVE ! OBJECT ( !IR LOVE1 BUT :AT IT CALLS =? 9 !M4 ,9 ?IS 5?USIASM1 !RE IS NO TRUE REALITY ( >T1 BUT ABSOLUTE B\NDLESSNESS4 

#f7 ,ONLY !N CAN ONE UND]/& & FEEL ,GOD :5 ONE HAS UND]/OOD CLE>LY ! UNREALITY ( EV]Y?+ MAT]IAL4 

#g7 ,NOT LONG AGO1 9 ! SUMM]1 ,I FELT ,GOD CLE>LY = ! FIR/ TIME2 ?AT ,HE EXI/$ & ?AT ,I EXI/$ 9 ,HIM2 & ?AT ! ONLY ?+ ?AT EXI/$ WAS ,I 9 ,HIM3 9 ,HIM1 LIKE A LIMIT$ ?+ 9 AN UNLIMIT$ ?+1 9 ,HIM ALSO LIKE A LIMIT$ BE+ 9 :I* ,HE EXI/$4 

.<#a#e#c.> 

7,HORRIBLY BAD1 UNCLE>4 ,BUT ,I FELT IT CLE>LY & ESPECIALLY KE5LY = ! FIR/ TIME 9 MY LIFE47 

,9 G5]AL1 ,I DON'T KN[ :Y1 BUT ,I HAV5'T ! SAME RELIGI\S FEEL+ :I* ,I HAD :5 ,I =M]LY WROTE MY ,J\RNAL = NO ONE4 ,! FACT ?AT IT WAS READ & ?AT IT CAN BE READ1 KILLS ?IS FEEL+4 ,BUT ! FEEL+ WAS PRECI\S & HELP$ ME 9 LIFE4 ,I AM GO+ TO BEG9 ANEW FROM ! PRES5T DATE1 ! #a#d?1 TO WRITE AGA9 AS BE=E--SO ?AT NO ONE WILL READ IT DUR+ MY LIFE TIME4 ,IF !RE WILL BE ?\<TS WOR? IT1 ,I CAN WRITE !M \T & S5D !M TO ,*]TKOV4.<#b#b#i.> 

#h7 ,A MAN 9CAPABLE ( REP5TANCE HAS NO SALVATION FROM HIS S9S4 ,EV5 IF HIS S9S >E PO9T$ \T TO HIM1 HE ONLY GETS ANGRY AT ?OSE :O PO9T !M \T1 & A NEW S9 IS ADD$4 

#i7 ,ALL ATTEMPTS TO LIVE ON ! L& & FE$ ONESELF BY ONE'S [N LABOR HAVE BE5 UNSUCCESSFUL1 & C\LD NOT HELP BE+ UNSUCCESSFUL 9 ,RUSSIA1 BECAUSE IT IS NECESS>Y = A MAN ( \R $UCATION FE$+ HIMSELF BY HIS [N LABOR1 TO COMPETE ) ! PEASANT--:O FIXES ! PRICES1 BEAT+ !M D[N BY HIS (F]4 ,BUT HE WAS BR\<T UP = G5]ATIONS 9 /]N LIFE & /UBBORN WORK1 :ILE WE W]E BR\<T UP = G5]ATIONS 9 LUXURI\S LIFE & IDLE LAZ9ESS4 ,FROM ?IS IT DOES NOT FOLL[ ?AT ONE \<T NOT TO TRY TO FE$ ONE'S SELF BY ONE'S [N LABOR1 BUT ONLY ?AT IT IS IMPOSSIBLE.<#a#e#d.> TO EXPECT ITS REALIZATION 9 ! FIR/ G5]ATION4 

#a7 ,ALL CALAMITIES :I* >E BORN FROM SEX RELATIONS1 FROM BE+ 9 LOVE1 COME FROM ?IS1 ?AT WE CONFUSE FLE%LY LU/ ) SPIRITUAL LIFE1 )--T]RIBLE TO SAY--LOVE2 WE USE \R REASON NOT TO CONDEMN & LIMIT ?IS PASSION1 BUT TO ADORN IT ) ! PEACOCK FEA!RS ( SPIRITUALITY4 ,H]E IS :]E LES EXTREMES SE T\*5T4 ,TO ATTRIBUTE EV]Y ATTRACTION BETWE5 ! SEXES TO SEX DESIRE SEEMS V]Y MAT]IALI/IC1 BUT1 ON ! CONTR>Y1 IT IS ! MO/ SPIRITUAL PO9T ( VIEW3 TO DI/+UI% FROM ! REALM ( ! SPIRITUAL EV]Y?+ :I* DOES NOT BELONG TO IT1 9 ORD] TO BE ABLE TO VALUE IT HI<LY4 

#a#a7 ,EV]Y?+ ?AT ,I KN[ IS ! PRODUCT ( MY S5SES4 ,MY S5SES DEMON/RATE TO ME MY LIMITS1 COM+ 9 CONTACT ) ! LIMITS ( O!R BE+S4 ,?IS S5SATION1 OR ! KN[L$GE ( LIMITS1 WE RECOGNIZE & CANNOT RECOGNIZE O!RWISE1 ?AN AS MATT]4 ,& 9 ?IS MATT] WE SEE EI!R ONLY MATT] OR BE+S :O LIKE US >E B\ND BY LIMITS4 ,! BE+S NE> TO US 9 SIZE1 FROM ! ELEPHANT TO ! 9SECT1 WE KN[--WE KN[ !IR LIMITS4 ,! BE+S ?AT >E F> FROM US 9 SIZE1 LIKE ATOMS OR LIKE ! />S1 WE RECOGNIZE AS MATT] ONLY4 ,BUT BESIDES !SE TWO K9DS ( BE+S :I* WE KN[ BY \R S5SES1 WE MU/ 9EVITABLY ACKN[L$GE /ILL O!R BE+S 7NOT.<#a#e#e.> SPIRITUAL BE+S LIKE US1--?AT IS OBVI\S7 NOT RECOGNIZABLE BY \R S5SES1 BUT :I* >E MAT]IAL1 I4E41 !Y ALSO =M LIMITS4 ,SU* BE+S >E ATOMS1 E!R4 ,! PRES5CE ( !SE BE+S1 ! ADMISSION ( :I* IS DEM&$ BY \R REASON1 UND\BT$LY PROVES ?AT \R S5SES GIVE US ONLY A ONE-SID$ & A V]Y LIMIT$ KN[L$GE ( O!R BE+S & ( ! \T] WORLD4 ,SO ?AT WE CAN IMAG9E = \RSELVES SU* BE+S 5D[$ ) SU* S5SES 7S5S7 = :OM E!R W\LD GIVE ! V]Y SAME REALITY1 AS MATT] = US4 

7,IT IS /ILL UNCLE>1 BUT UND]/&ABLE47 

#a#b7 ,IF WE W\LD ALWAYS REMEMB] ?AT \R TONGUE WAS GIV5 US = ! TRANSMISSION ( \R ?\<TS1 & ! CAPACITY ( ?9K+ = ! UND]/&+ ( ,GOD & ,HIS LAW ( LOVE1 & ?AT !RE=E Y\ MU/ TALK ONLY !N :5 Y\ HAVE SOME?+ GOOD TO SAY6 ,BUT :5 Y\ CANNOT SAY ANY?+ GOOD1 CANNOT KEEP BACK ! BAD--!N BE SIL5T1 EV5 ALL Y\R LIFE4 

#a#c7 ,AS SOON AS Y\ HAVE A DISAGREEABLE FEEL+ T[>DS A MAN1 IT MEANS !RE IS SOME?+ Y\ DON'T KN[4 ,& Y\ \<T TO F9D \T3 Y\ \<T TO F9D \T ! MOTIVES ( ?AT ACT :I* WAS DISAGREEABLE TO Y\4 ,& AS SOON AS Y\ HAVE UND]/OOD ! MOTIVES CLE>LY !N IT CAN ANG] Y\ AS LITTLE AS A FALL+ /ONE4 

#a#d7 ,Y\ GET ANGRY AT A WOMAN BECAUSE %E DOES NOT UND]/&--OR %E UND]/&S1 BUT.<#a#e#f.> DOES NOT DO ?AT :I* H] REASON TELLS H]4 ,%E IS UNABLE TO DO IT4 ,JU/ AS A MAGNET ACTS ON IRON & DOES NOT ACT ON WOOD1 SO >E ! CONCLUSIONS ( REASON NOT B9D+ ON H]--HAVE NO MOTOR P[]4 ,= H] FEEL+ IS B9D+1 & ! CONCLUSIONS ( REASONS >E SO ONLY :5 !Y >E TRANSMITT$ BY AU?ORITIES1 I4E41 BY ! FEEL+ ( ! DESIRE NOT TO REMA9 BEH9D O!RS4 ,SO ?AT %E WILL NOT BELIEVE & WILL NOT FOLL[ AN OBVI\S DEM& ( REASON1 IF IT BE NOT CONFIRM$ BY AN AU?ORITY2 BUT %E WILL BELIEVE & FOLL[ ! GREATE/ ABSURDITY IF ONLY EV]Y ONE DOES IT4 ,%E CANNOT DO O!RWISE4 ,BUT WE GET ANGRY4 ,!RE >E ALSO MANY M5 LIKE ?AT--WOMANI%4 

#a#e7 ,ONE HAS TO S]VE O!RS1 NOT ONESELF1 IF ONLY = ! REASON ?AT 9 ! S]V+ ( O!RS !RE IS A LIMIT & !RE=E IT IS POSSIBLE H]E TO ACT RATIONALLY1 BUILD A H\SE = HIM :O IS )\T1 BUY CATTLE1 CLO!S2 BUT 9 ! S]V+ ( ONESELF !RE IS NO LIMIT3 ! MORE Y\ S]VE1 ! WORSE IT IS4 

#a#f7 ,TIME IS ONLY = ! BODY3 IT IS ! RELATION%IP ( BE+S ) ! V>I\S LIMITS SE5 BY US1 TO BE+S :OSE LIMITS WE DO NOT SEE2 TO ! MOVEM5T ( ! SUN1 ! MOON1 ! E>?1 TO ! MOVEM5T ( ! S&S 9 ! H\R-GLASS4 ,& !RE=E TIME IS = ?AT :I* WE CALL ! BODY1 = ?AT :I* HAS LIMITS2 BUT = ?AT :I* HAS NO LIMITS3 = ! SPIRITUAL--!RE IS NO TIME4.<#a#e#g.> ,!RE=E Y\ REMEMB] ONLY ?OSE TIMES 9 :I* Y\ LIV$ SPIRITUALLY4 7,UNCLE>1 BUT WAS CLE>47 

#a#g7 ,WE SUFF] FROM \RSELVES1 FROM ! DEM&S ( \R 0SELF10 & WE ALL KN[ ?AT ! ONLY MEANS = NOT SUFF]+ FROM ?AT 0SELF10 IS TO =GET IT4 ,& WE SEEK =GETFULNESS 9 DI/RACTIONS1 9 OCCUPATIONS ) >T1 SCI5CE1 9 W9E1 9 SMOK+--& !RE IS NO REAL =GETFULNESS4 ,BUT ,GOD MADE IT SO ?AT !RE %\LD BE ONLY ONE REAL =GETFULNESS1 ONE ?AT IS REAL & ALWAYS AT H&--9 ! C>E = O!RS1 9 ! S]V+ ( O!RS4 

,BUT ,I =GOT ?IS & ,I LIVE A T]RIBLY SELFI% LIFE1 & !RE=E ,I AM UNHAPPY4 

#a#h7 ,I W5T PA/ ! \T-H\SES4 ,I REMEMB]$ ! NI<TS ?AT ,I SP5T !RE1 & ! Y\? & ! BEAUTY ( ,DUNIA%A 7,I NEV] HAD ANY RELATION ) H]71 H] /RONG1 WOMANLY BODY4 ,:]E IS IT8 ,IT HAS BE5 LONG NO?+ BUT BONES4 ,:AT >E ?OSE BONES8 ,:AT IS !IR RELATION TO ,DUNIA%A8 ,!RE WAS A TIME :5 ?OSE BONES =M$ A P>T ( ?AT SEP>ATE BE+ :I* HAD BE5 ,DUNIA%A4 ,!N ?IS BE+ *ANG$ ITS C5T] & ?AT :I* HAD BE5 ,DUNIA%A BECAME A P>T ( ANO!R BE+1 5ORM\S1 9CONCEIVABLE TO ME 9 MAGNITUDE1 :I* ,I CALL E>?4 ,WE DO NOT KN[ ! LIFE ( ! E>?1 & !RE=E WE ?9K IT DEAD1 JU/ LIKE AN 9SECT :O LIVES ONE H\R.<#a#e#h.> ?9KS MY BODY DEAD1 BECAUSE HE DOES NOT SEE ITS MOVEM5T4 

#a#i7 ,SPACE IS ! RELATION ( V>I\S LIMIT$ BE+S AMONG !MSELVES4 ,IT EXI/S4 ,BUT TIME IS ONLY ! RELATION ( ! MOVEM5T ( LIV+ BE+S AMONG !MSELVES1 & ! MOVEM5T ( MATT] :I* WE CONSID] DEAD4 

#b7 ,! MO/ HORRIBLE ( ALL IS 9TOXICATION3 ( W9E1 ( GAMES1 ( MONEY GRE$1 ( POLITICS1 ( >T1 ( BE+ 9 LOVE4 ,IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO SPEAK ) SU* PEOPLE AS LONG AS !Y HAV5'T SLEPT IT (F4 ,IT IS T]RIBLE4.<#b#c.> 

,! LETT] TO ,/OCKHOLM HAS BE5 PR9T$4 

,OCT4 #a#e4 ,Y4 ,P4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,TO-DAY ,OCT4 #a#f4 ,Y4 ,P4 

,DID NOT WRITE YE/]DAY4 ,MY HEAL? IS 5TIRELY IMPROV$4444 ,FROM  
,OLGA ,DIET]I*S1 A LETT] FROM ,*]TKOV4 ,IT IS EVID5T ?AT AS A RESULT1 HE & %E ALSO HAVE LIV$ ?R\< DIFFICULT TIMES4.<#b#c#a.> 

,LA/ NI<T & TO-DAY1 ,I WANT$ TO WRITE ,HAJJI ,MURAD4 ,BEGAN IT4 ,IT HAS A SEMBLANCE ( SOME?+1 BUT ,I DID NOT CONT9UE IT1 BECAUSE ,I WAS NOT 9 FULL MA/]Y4 ,I \<T NOT TO SPOIL IT BY =C+4 ,UP TO N[ ! ,PET]BURGSKIA ,VI$OMO/I HAS NOT PR9T$ IT4.<#b#c#b.> 

,I HAVE NOT$3 

.<#a#e#i.> 

#a7 ,I HAVE NOT$ MANY RESOLUTIONS1 RULES1 :I* IF ,I C\LD REMEMB]1 ,I W\LD LIVE WELL4 ,BUT ! RULES >E TOO MANY1 & IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO REMEMB] !M ALWAYS4 ,! SAME ?+ AS TO IMITATIONS ( >T3 ! RULES >E TOO MANY1 & TO REMEMB] !M ALWAYS IS IMPOSSIBLE2 IT \<T TO COME FROM )91 BE GUID$ BY FEEL+4 ,! SAME ?+ 9 LIFE4 ,IF ONLY Y\ >E T\*$ BY FEEL+1 IF Y\ LIVE 9 ,GOD1 !N Y\ W\LD NOT REC$E FROM A S+LE RULE & Y\ W\LD DO MORE ?AN IS 9 ! RULES4 ,IF ONE C\LD ONLY ALWAYS BE 9 ?IS /ATE4 

,BUT TO-DAY1 JU/ N[1 ,I WAS 9 ! WOR/ MOOD4 ,I WAS ANGRY ) EV]Y?+4 ,:AT DOES IT MEAN8 ,H[ EXPLA9 ?IS /ATE TO ONESELF8 

#b7 ,?IS EXPLANATION CAME TO ME3 ! S\L1 ! SPIRITUAL ESS5CE1 CAN LIVE 9 ITS [N C5T] OR )9 ITS [N LIMITS4 ,LIV+ 9 ITSELF1 IT IS NOT CONSCI\S ( ITS LIMITS2 LIV+ 9 ! P]IPH]Y IT 9CESSANTLY & PA9FULLY FEELS ITS LIMITS4 ,A RELEASE FROM ?IS /ATE IS ! RECOGNITION ( ! ILLUSION ( ! MAT]IAL WORLD1 TO GO AWAY FROM ! LIMITS1 TO CONC5TRATE 9 ONESELF4 7,UNCLE>47 

,OCT4 #a#g4 ,Y4 ,P4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,OCT4 #a#g4 ,Y4 ,P4 #ab MIDNI<T4 

444 ,HELP ME1 ,LORD1 TO ACT NOT ACCORD+ TO MY WILL1 BUT ACCORD+ TO ,?9E4 ,RECEIV$ A LETT].<#a#f.> FROM ,N AB\T ,BELL] & O!R M9I/]S :O PREA* ! 9CONSI/5CY ( MILIT>Y S]VICE & ,*RI/IANITY1.<#b#c#c.> & AB\T ,*]TKOV1 ?AT HE WAS FUSSY1 HAD S9N$ & HAD FALL5 ILL4.<#b#c#d.> 

,AM CORRECT+ ! #a? *APT]1 IT IS AB\T TO BE S5T (F4.<#b#c#e.>444 ,MY LETT] WAS PR9T$ 9 ! ,PET]BURGSKIA ,VI$OMO/I4 

,I ?\<T3 ,! ROAD ( ALL EVIL & ( ALL SUFF]+ IS NOT SO MU* IGNORANCE AS FALSE KN[L$GE--DECEPTION4 ,! ,APPEAL \<T TO BE F9I%$ ) AN APPEAL = ALL TO HELP T[>DS ! ABOLITION ( DECEPTION4 

,OCT4 #a#h4 ,YASN4 ,POL4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,YE/]DAY ,I MADE NO NOTES2 TO-DAY  
,OCT4 #a#i4 ,Y4 ,P4 

444 ,BO? YE/]DAY & TO-DAY ,I FELT GREAT APA?Y1 AL?\< ,I WAS WELL4 ,I DON'T FEEL LIKE WORK+4 ,CORRECT$ ,*APT]S #a#c1 #a#d1 #a#e4 ,I RECEIV$ ! RE-COPI$ *APT]S FROM ,MOSC[ & ! CONCLUSION4 ,YE/]DAY ,I W5T TO ,YAS5KI4 ,TO-DAY ,I *OPP$ WOOD & C>RI$ IT4 ,NOVIKOV WAS H]E4 ,VIA*ESLAV.<#b#c#f.> SP5T ! NI<T4 ,TO-DAY A LETT] FROM ,B\LANG]4 ,I WANT TO WRITE TO HIM RI<T AWAY & TO MY WIFE4 ,I \<T TO WRITE TO ,SALOMON4 

,SOLITUDE NEV]!LESS IS V]Y PLEASANT4 

,OCT4 #b4 ,Y4 ,P4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

.<#a#f#a.> 

,TO-DAY ,OCT4 #b#a4 ,Y4 ,P4 

,RECEIV$ PRO( ( ! ,C>P5T] >TICLE FROM ,SIEV]NI ,VIE/NIK & BEGAN TO WRITE A PREFACE4 ,CORRECT$ ,>T1 RECEIV$ LETT]S FROM ,*]TKOV & ,B\LANG]4 

,YE/]DAY MY WORK DIDN'T GO4 ,W5T TO ,YAS5KI4 

,JU/ N[1 REMA9+ ALONE AFT] MY WORK1 ,I ASK$ MYSELF :AT ,I %\LD DO1 & HAV+ NO P]SONAL DESIRE 7EXCEPT ! BODILY DEM&S >IS+ ONLY :5 ,I WANT TO EAT OR SLEEP7 ,I FELT SO KE5LY ! JOY ( ! KN[L$GE ( ! ,WILL ( ,GOD1 ?AT ,I NE$ & WANT NO?+ BUT TO DO :AT ,HE WANTS4 ,?IS FEEL+ >OSE AS A RESULT ( ! QUE/ION :I* ,I MYSELF PUT TO MYSELF :5 ,I REMA9$ ALONE 9 ! SIL5CE3 ,:O AM ,I8 ,:Y AM ,I8 ,& ! ANSW] CAME SO CLE>LY BY ITSELF3 ,NO MATT] :O & :AT ,I AM1 ,I HAVE BE5 S5T BY SOME ONE TO DO SOME?+4 ,WELL1 LET ME DO ?AT WORK4 ,& SO JOY\SLY & SO WELL DID ,I FEEL MY FUSION ) ! ,WILL ( ,GOD4 

,?IS IS MY SECOND LIVE FEEL+ = ,GOD4 ,!N ,I SIMPLY FELT LOVE = ,GOD4 ,AT ?IS MOM5T1 ,I CANNOT REMEMB] H[ IT WAS2 ,I ONLY REMEMB] ?AT IT WAS A JOYFUL FEEL+4 

,OH1 :AT HAPP9ESS IS SOLITUDE6 ,TO-DAY IT IS SO GOOD3 Y\ FEEL ,GOD4 

,OCT4 #b#b4 ,Y4 ,P4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

.<#a#f#b.> 

,OCT4 #b#b4 ,Y4 ,P4 

,I AM WRIT+ 9 ! EV5+4 ,ALL DAY ,I DID NOT FEEL LIKE WORK+4 ,I SLEPT BADLY4444 ,I CORRECT$ ! #a#a? *APT] 9 ! MORN+1 9 ! EV5+ ,I BEGAN ! #a#b?4 ,I WAS UNABLE TO DO ANY?+--!RE IS A BOIL ON MY HEAD & MY FEET P]SPIRE4 ,IS IT FROM ! HONEY8 ,APHANASI.<#b#c#g.> & ,M>IA ,ALEX&ROVNA W]E H]E4 

,IT IS EV5+ N[4 ,I AM ALONE & HORRIBLY SAD4 ,I HAVE NEI!R D\BTS NOR HURTS1 BUT AM SAD & WANT TO CRY4 ,OH1 ,I MU/ PREP>E MYSELF MORE1 MORE1 = ! NEW APPO9TM5T4 

,A LETT] FROM ,GROT2.<#b#c#h.> ,I \<T TO GIVE HIM 0,CONC]N+ ,>T40 

,?\<T ONLY ?IS3 

,9 *ILDHOOD1 Y\?1 ! S5SES 7S5S7 >E V]Y DEF9ITE1 ! LIMITS >E FIRM4 ,! LONG] Y\ LIVE1 ! MORE & MORE DO !SE LIMITS BECOME WIP$ \T1 ! S5SES GET DULL$--!RE IS E/ABLI%$ A DIFF]5T ATTITUDE T[>DS ! WORLD4 

,OCT4 #b#c4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,OCT4 #b#f4 ,Y4 ,P4 

,A V]Y /RANGE ?+3 ,IT IS ! ?IRD DAY ?AT ,I CANNOT WRITE4 ,AM DISPLEAS$ ) EV]Y?+ ?AT ,I HAVE WRITT54 ,!RE IS SOME?+ NEW & V]Y IMPORTANT = ,>T1 BUT ,I CANNOT EXPRESS IT CLE>LY 9 ANY WAY4 

.<#a#f#c.> 

,A LETT] FROM ,V&]VE]4 ,IT IS N[ MORN+1 WILL GO TO ! PO/4 

,TO-DAY ,NOV4 #a4 ,Y4 ,P4 

,I HAVE LIV$ ?R\< MU* !SE TWO WEEKS4 ,! WORK IS /ILL ! SAME2 ,I ?9K ,I HAVE F9I%$ IT4 ,TO-DAY ,I HAVE WRITT5 LETT]S & AMONG !M ONE TO ,GROT TO BE SET UP 9 TYPE4 ,S WAS H]E1 %E LEFT = ,MOSC[ FROM ,PIROGOVO1 :]E WE W5T TOGE!R4 ,IT WAS GOOD !RE4 ,S9CE ,I HAVE COME HOME1 MY BACK HAS A*$ & 9 ! EV5+ ,I HAVE FEV]4 ,ALEX&] ,PETROVI*.<#b#c#i.> IS WRIT+ 9 ! H\SE4444 

,TO-DAY ,I WROTE #i LETT]S4 ,ONE LETT] TO ,KHILKOV1.<#b#d.> REMA9$4 ,H[ T]RIBLE1 HIS AFFAIR & CONDITION4 ,MIKHAIL ,NOVIKOV WAS H]E & ALSO A PEASANT-POET FROM ,KAZAN4 

,HAVE BE5 ?9K+3 

#a7 ,! CONDITION ( PEOPLE :O >E BEFOGG$ BY A FALSE RELIGION IS JU/ ! SAME AS 9 BL9DMAN'S-BUFF3 !Y TIE !IR EYES1 !N !Y TAKE !M BY !IR >MS1 & !N !Y TURN !M >\ND & F9ALLY LET !M GO4 ,! SAME ) EV]YBODY4 ,)\T ?IS !Y DO NOT LET !M GO4 7,= ,! ,APPEAL47 

#b7 ,! MO/ USUAL JUDGM5T AB\T ,*RI/IANITY1 ESPECIALLY AMONG ! NEW ,NIETZS*EAN REASON]S1 IS ?AT ,*RI/IANITY IS A R5UNCIATION ( DIGNITY1.<#a#f#d.> A WEAKNESS1 A SUBMISSIV5ESS4 ,IT IS JU/ ! CONTR>Y4 ,TRUE ,*RI/IANITY DEM&S ABOVE EV]Y?+ ELSE ! HI<E/ CONSCI\SNESS ( DIGNITY1 A T]RIBLE /R5G? & /EADFA/NESS4 ,IT IS JU/ ! CONTR>Y3 ,! ADMIR]S ( /R5G? \<T TO DEBASE !MSELVES BE=E /R5G?4 

#c7 ,I WALK$ 9 ! VILLAGE1 & LOOK$ 9TO ! W9D[S4 ,EV]Y:]E !RE WAS POV]TY & IGNORANCE4 ,& ,I ?\<T ( ! =M] SLAV]Y4 ,=M]LY1 ! CAUSE WAS TO BE SE51 ! *A9 :I* HELD !M WAS TO BE SE52 BUT N[ IT IS NOT A *A9--9 ,EUROPE !Y >E HAIRS1 BUT !Y >E JU/ AS MANY AS ?OSE :I* HELD ,GULLIV]4 ,) US ! ROPES >E /ILL TO BE SE51 WELL--LET US SAY ! TW9E2 & !RE !RE >E HAIRS1 BUT !Y HOLD SO TI<TLY ?AT ! GIANT-PEOPLE CANNOT MOVE4 

,!RE IS ONE SALVATION3 NOT TO LIE D[N1 NOT TO FALL ASLEEP4 ,! DECEPTION IS SO /RONG & SO ADROIT ?AT Y\ (T5 SEE ?AT ?OSE V]Y PEOPLE :I* IT SUCKS & RU9S1 DEF5D ! VAMPIRES ) PASSION & ATTACK ?OSE :O >E AGA9/ !M4444 

,NOVEMB] #a#a1 ,Y4 ,P4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,NOVEMB] #a#a1 ,Y4 ,P4 

,S9CE MORN+ ,I HAVE BE5 WRIT+ ,HAJJI ,MURAD--& NO?+ HAS COME ( IT4 ,BUT IT IS BECOM+ CLE> 9 MY HEAD & ,I FEEL LIKE WRIT+.<#a#f#e.> V]Y MU*4 ,I WROTE A LETT] TO ,KHILKOV & TO O!RS1 BUT ,I %ALL H>DLY S5D ! ONE TO ,KHILKOV4 ,M>IA ,ALEX&ROVNA WAS H]E4 ,MY HEAL? IS 5TIRELY GOOD4 

,NOVEMB] #a#b1 ,Y4 ,P4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,NOVEMB] #a#b1 ,Y4 ,P4 

,TO-DAY ,PET] ,OSSIPOV CAME3.<#b#d#a.> 0,9 \R PLACE !Y HAVE BEGUN TO SELL 9DULG5CES40 ,! ,VLADIMIR-ICON WAS !RE & IT WAS ORD]$ ?R\< ! VILLAGE ELD]1 ?AT ! PEOPLE BE DRIV5 TO ! ,*UR*4.<#b#d#b.> 

,N4 F\ND ORE & CONSID]S IT V]Y NATURAL ?AT PEOPLE %ALL LIVE UND] ! GR\ND1 9 DANG] ( !IR LIVES1 & HE WILL RECEIVE ! 9COME4 

444 ,! MO/ IMPORTANT ?+ IS ?AT ,I HAVE DECID$ TO WRITE ,! ,APPEAL2 !RE IS NO TIME TO PO/PONE IT4 ,TO-DAY ,I CORRECT$ ,ON ,SCI5CE4 ,IT IS EV5+ N[1 HAVE TAK5 UP TWO V]SIONS ( ,! ,APPEAL1 & AM GO+ TO WORK ON IT4 

,NOV4 #a#d1 ,Y4 ,P4 

444 ,ONE ?+ ,I WANT3 ,TO DO :AT IS BETT] BE=E ,GOD4 ,I DON'T KN[ H[ YET4 ,I SLEPT BADLY AT NI<T2 BAD ?\<TS1 WICK$ ONES4 ,& ,I AM APA!TIC1 NO DESIRE TO WORK4 ,CORRECT$ ! PREFACE ,ON ,SCI5CE4 

,I MADE ! FOLL[+ NOTES3 

.<#a#f#f.> 

#a7 ,I READ ( ! BEHAVIOR ( ! ,5GLI% 9 ,AFRICA4 ,IT IS ALL T]RIBLE4 ,BUT ! ?\<T CAME TO MY HEAD3 ,P]HAPS IT WAS UNAVOIDABLY NECESS>Y 9 ORD] ?AT 5LI<T5M5T %\LD P5ETRATE !SE PEOPLES4 ,AT FIR/ ,I WAS ABSORB$ 9 ! ?\<T & IT OCCURR$ TO ME ?AT ?US IT HAD TO BE DONE4 ,:AT NONS5SE6 ,:Y %\LD NOT PEOPLE1 LIV+ A ,*RI/IAN LIFE1 GO 9 SIMPLY LIKE ,MIKLUKHA-,MAKLAI1.<#b#d#c.> LIVE ) !M1 BUT IS IT NECESS>Y TO TRADE1 MAKE DRUNK>DS ( !M1 KILL8 ,!Y SAY3 0,IF PEOPLE W]E TO LIVE AS ,*RI/IANS1 !Y W\LD HAVE NO WORK40 ,H]E IS ! WORK & IT IS AN 5ORM\S WORK3 :ILE ! ,GOSPELS >E BE+ PREA*$ TO ALL CREATION4 

#b7 ,SCI5CE1 LOS+ ITS RELIGI\S BASIS1 HAS BEGUN TO /UDY TRIFLES--9 ! MA91 IT HAS CEAS$ TO /UDY IMPORTANT ?+S4 ,FROM ?AT TIME ON WAS =M$ ! !ORY ( EXP]IM5TAL SCI5CE1 ,BACON4 

#c7 ,I WAS ?9K+1 P5DANT TO ,HAJJI ,MURAD1 ( WRIT+ AB\T ANO!R ,RUSSIAN BRIG&1 ,GREGORI ,NI*OLAEV4 ,HE %\LD SEE ! :OLE LAWLESSNESS ( ! LIFE ( ! RI*1 HE %\LD LIVE AS A WAT*MAN ( AN APPLE-OR*>D ON A RI* E/ATE ) A LAWN-T5NIS4.<#b#d#d.> 

#d7 ,TO-DAY ,I AM 9 A V]Y BAD MOOD1 & IT IS V]Y DIFFICULT = ME TO REMEMB]1 TO IMAG9E TO MYSELF :AT ,I AM :5 ,I AM 9 A GOOD MOOD4 ,BUT IT IS ABSOLUTELY NECESS>Y1 SO AS NOT TO DESPAIR & NOT DO SOME?+ BAD :5 9 A BAD MOOD1.<#a#f#g.> TO AB/A9 FROM EV]Y ACTIVITY4 ,IS IT NOT ! SAME 9 LIFE8 ,ONE \<T NOT TO BELIEVE ?AT ,I AM ?IS GOOD-=-NO?+ :I* ,I FEEL MYSELF TO BE1 BUT TO MAKE AN EF=T1 REMEMB] :AT ,I AM !RE1 :AT ,I AM 9 SPIRIT1 & LIVE ACCORD+ TO ?AT REMEMB]$ 0SELF10 OR DO NOT LIVE AT ALL--AB/A94 

#e7 0,T\TE REUNION D'HOMMES E/ T\J\RS 9F]IEURE AUX ELEM5TS QUI LA COMPOS5T40.<#b#d#e.> ,?IS IS SO BECAUSE !Y >E UNIT$ BY RULES4 ,9 !IR [N NATURAL UNION1 AS ,GOD HAS UNIT$ !M1 !Y >E NOT ONLY NOT L[]1 BUT MANY TIMES HI<]4 

,I READ ,M5%IKOV'S >TICLE4 ,!RE IS MU* ?AT IS GOOD 9 IT3 AB\T ONE-,GOD & MANY ,GODS1 & MU* ?AT IS V]Y WEAK2 ! EXAMPLES4.<#b#d#f.> 

,NOV4 #a#e1 ,Y4 ,P4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,NOV4 #a#e1 ,Y4 ,P4 

,I WORK$ BADLY ON ! PREFACE TO ,C>P5T]4 ,AFT] D9N]1 9 ! BLIZZ>D1 ,I W5T TO ,YAS5KI4 ,TOOK ,TANIA'S LETT]4 ,RETURN$--& H]E = ! FIR/ TIME ,I KNEW PRO/RATION4 ,!N DRANK TEA--RECOV]$4 ,READ BUT DID NO?+4 ,WROTE A LETT] ONLY TO ,MAUDE 9 ANSW] TO HIS REM>KS4.<#b#d#g.> 

,I ?\<T ?IS TRIFLE3 ?AT LOVE IS ONLY GOOD !N :5 Y\ >E NOT CONSCI\S ( IT4 ,IT SUFFICES TO BE CONSCI\S ( ! LOVE1 & MOREOV] TO REJOICE 9 IT--& !RE IS AN 5D TO IT4 

.<#a#f#h.> 

,NOV4 #a#f1 ,Y4 ,P4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,TO-DAY1 ,NOV4 #a#g4  
,Y4 ,P4 

,= ! SECOND DAY1 ,I HAVE BE5 ?9K+ ) SPECIAL CLE>NESS AB\T ?IS3 

#a7 ,MY LIFE1 MY CONSCI\SNESS ( MY P]SONALITY1 GETS WEAK] & WEAK] ALL ! TIME1 WILL BECOME /ILL WEAK] & WILL 5D 9 COMA1 & 9 AN ABSOLUTE 5D ( ! CONSCI\SNESS ( MY P]SONALITY4 ,AT ! SAME TIME1 ABSOLUTELY SIMULTANE\SLY & 9 ! SAME TEMPO ) ! DE/RUCTION ( MY P]SONALITY1 ?AT ?+ WILL BEG9 TO LIVE1 & WILL LIVE EV] /RONG] & /RONG]1 ?AT :I* MY LIFE MADE1 ! RESULTS ( MY ?\<T1 FEEL+S2 IT IS LIV+ 9 O!R PEOPLE1 EV5 9 ANIMALS1 9 DEAD MATT]4 ,& SO ,I FEEL LIKE SAY+ ?AT ?IS IS :AT WILL LIVE AFT] ME4 

,BUT ALL ?IS LACKS CONSCI\SNESS1 & !RE=E ,I CANNOT SAY ?AT IT LIVES4 ,BUT :O SAID ?AT IT LACK$ CONSCI\SNESS8 ,:Y CAN ,I NOT SUPPOSE ?AT ALL ?IS WILL BE UNIT$ 9 A NEW CONSCI\SNESS :I* ,I CAN JU/LY CALL MY CONSCI\SNESS1 BECAUSE IT IS ALL MADE FROM MY CONSCI\SNESS8 ,:Y CANNOT ?IS O!R NEW BE+ LIVE AMONG !SE ?+S :I* LIVE N[8 ,:Y NOT SUPPOSE ?AT ALL ( US >E P>TICLES ( CONSCI\SNESS ( O!R HI<] BE+S1 SU* AS WE >E GO+ TO BE8 

0,MY ,FA!R HAS MANY DWELL+S40.<#b#d#h.> ,NOT 9 ! S5SE ?AT !RE >E V>I\S PLACES1 BUT ?AT.<#a#f#i.> ! V>I\S CONSCI\SNESSES1 P]SONALITY1 >E 9T]-5CLOS$ & 9T]WOV5 ONE 9TO ! O!R4 ,9 FACT1 ! :OLE WORLD AS ,I KN[ IT1 ) ITS SPACE & TIME1 IS A PRODUCT ( MY P]SONALITY1 MY CONSCI\SNESS4 ,AS SOON AS !RE IS ANO!R P]SONALITY1 ANO!R CONSCI\SNESS1 !N !RE IS AN 5TIRELY DIFF]5T WORLD1 ! ELEM5TS ( :I* >E =M$ BY \R P]SONALITIES4 ,JU/ AS :5 ,I WAS A *ILD1 MY CONSCI\SNESS AWOKE LITTLE BY LITTLE 7:I* MADE IT SO ?AT EV5 :5 A *ILD1 AN EMBRYO1 ,I SAW MYSELF AS A SEP>ATE BE+71 SO IT WILL AWAKE & IS AWAK5+ N[--9 ! CONSEQU5CES ( MY LIFE1 9 MY FUTURE 0SELF0 AFT] MY DEA?4 

0,! ,*UR* IS ! BODY ( ,*RI/40.<#b#d#i.> ,YES1 ,*RI/1 9 HIS NEW CONSCI\SNESS1 LIVES N[ ?R\< ! LIFE ( ALL ! LIV+ & DEAD & ALL ! FUTURE MEMB]S ( ! ,*UR*4 ,& 9 ! SAME WAY EA* ONE ( US WILL LIVE ?R\< HIS [N *UR*4 ,& EV5 ! MO/ VALUELESS MAN WILL HAVE HIS [N VALUELESS & P]HAPS BAD *UR*1 BUT A *UR* :I* WILL CREATE HIS NEW BODY4 ,BUT H[8 ,?IS IS :AT WE CANNOT IMAG9E1 BECAUSE WE CANNOT IMAG9E ANY?+ :I* IS BEYOND \R CONSCI\SNESS4 ,& !RE >E NOT MANY DWELL+S1 BUT MANY CONSCI\SNESSES4 

,BUT H]E IS ! LA/1 MO/ T]RIBLE1 9SOLUBLE PROBLEM3 ,:AT IS IT =8 ,= :AT IS ?IS MOVEM5T1 ?IS PASS+ OV] FROM SOME L[]1.<#a#g.> MORE SEP>ATE CONSCI\SNESSES1 9TO A MORE COMMON1 HI<] ONE8 ,= :AT--?AT IS A MY/]Y :I* WE CANNOT KN[4 ,IT IS = ?IS ?AT ,GOD IS NECESS>Y & FAI? 9 ,HIM4 ,ONLY ,HE KN[S IT & ONE MU/ HAVE FAI? ?AT SO IT \<T TO BE4 

#b7 ,& AGA9 ,I ?\<T TO-DAY1 5TIRELY UNEXPECT$LY1 AB\T ! *>M--EXACTLY ! *>M--( AWAK5+ LOVE1 :5 AGA9/ ! BACKGR\ND ( JOY\S1 PLEASANT1 SWEET RELATION%IPS1 ?AT LITTLE /> SUDD5LY BEG9S TO %9E4 ,IT IS LIKE ! P]FUME ( ! L9D5 OR ! FALL+ %AD[ FROM ! MOON4 ,!RE IS NO FULL-BL[N BLOSSOM YET1 NO CLE> LI<T & %AD[1 BUT !RE IS A JOY & FE> ( ! NEW1 ( ! *>M+4 ,?IS IS GOOD1 BUT ONLY :5 IT IS = ! FIR/ TIME & ! LA/4 

#c7 ,& AGA9 ,I ?\<T AB\T ?AT ILLUSION :I* ALL >E SUBJECT$ TO1 ESPECIALLY PEOPLE :OSE ACTIVITY IS REFLECT$ ON O!RS--! ILLUSION ?AT1 HAV+ BE5 ACCU/OM$ TO SEE ! EFFECTS ( Y\R ACTS ON O!RS1 Y\ V]IFY ! CORRECTNESS ( Y\R ACTS BY !IR EFFECT ON O!RS4 

#d7 ,I ?\<T /ILL FUR!R3 ,= HYPNOTISM IT IS NECESS>Y TO HAVE FAI? 9 ! IMPORTANCE ( ?AT :I* IS BE+ SUGGE/$ 7! HYPNOTISM ( ALL >TI/IC DELUSIONS74 ,& = ?IS FAI?1 IT IS NECESS>Y TO HAVE IGNORANCE & CULTIVATION ( CR$UL5CE4 

.<#a#g#a.> 

,TO-DAY ,I CORRECT$ ! PREFACE TO ,C>P5T]4 ,RECEIV$ A TELEGRAM FROM ,GROT4 ,I WANT TO S5D (F ! #a? *APT]4 ,A SAD LETT] FROM  
,B\LANG]4 

,WELL1 ,NOV4 #a#h1  
,Y4 ,P4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,TO-DAY1 ,NOV4 #b4 ,EV5+4 

,WROTE ! PREFACE TO ,C>P5T]4 ,?\<T MU* AB\T ,HAJJI ,MURAD & GOT MY MAT]IALS READY4 ,I /ILL HAV5'T F\ND ! TONE4 

444 ,I ?9K ) HORROR ( ! TRIP TO ,MOSC[4.<#b#e.> 

,LA/ NI<T ,I ?\<T AB\T MY OLD TRIPLE REM$Y = SORR[ & (F5SE3 

#a7 ,TO ?9K H[ UNIMPORTANT IT WILL BE 9 #a1 #b YE>S1 JU/ AS IS UNIMPORTANT N[ ?AT :I* TORTUR$ Y\ #a1 #b YE>S AGO4 

#b7 ,TO REMEMB] :AT Y\ DID Y\RSELF1 TO REMEMB] ?OSE DE$S :I* W]E NO BETT] ?AN ?OSE :I* >E HURT+ Y\4 

#c7 ,TO ?9K ( ?AT :I* IS A HUNDR$ TIMES WORSE1 & MI<T BE4 

,?IS C\LD BE ADD$2 TO ?9K \T ! CONDITION1 ! S\L ( ! MAN :O MAKES Y\ SUFF]1 TO UND]/& ?AT HE CANNOT ACT 9 ANY O!R WAY4 ,T\T COMPR5DRE C'E/ T\T P>DONN]4 

,! MO/ IMPORTANT & ! /RONGE/ & ! SURE/ ( ALL IS TO SAY TO ONESELF3 ,LET !RE NOT BE MY WILL1 BUT ,?9E1 & NOT AS ,I WI% BUT AS.<#a#g#b.> ,?\ WILT2 & NOT ?AT :I* ,I WI% BUT ?AT :I* ,?\ WILT4 ,MY WORK1 !N1 IS UND] ?OSE CONDITIONS 9 :I* ,?\ HA/ PLAC$ ME1 TO FULFILL ,?Y ,WILL4 ,TO REMEMB] ?AT :5 IT IS DIFFICULT1 IT IS JU/ ?IS V]Y ?+ :I* HAS BE5 ASSIGN$ TO Y\1 IT IS ! V]Y 9/ANCE :I* WILL NOT BE REPEAT$1 9 :I* Y\ MAY HAVE ! HAPP9ESS ( DO+ ?AT :I* ,HE WI%ES4 

,FA!R1 HELP ME TO DO ONLY ,?Y ,WILL4 

444 

,TO-DAY ,I CORRECT$ ! ,C>P5T] TRANSLATION4 ,MY /OMA* IS NOT GOOD2 BAD MOOD & WEAKNESS4 

,NOV4 #b#a1 ,Y4 ,P4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,NOV4 #b#a1 ,Y4 ,P4 

,I AM /ILL ?9K+ & GA!R+ MAT]IAL = ,HAJJI ,MURAD4 ,TO-DAY ,I ?\<T MU*1 READ1 BEGAN TO WRITE BUT /OPP$ AT ONCE4 ,W5T TO ,YAS5KI1 TOOK ,S'S LETT]4.<#b#e#a.> ,RECEIV$ NO?+4 

,M>IA ,ALEX&ROVNA WAS H]E4 ,%E IS EVID5TLY TIR$1 A POOR GIRL & NICE4.<#b#e#b.> 

,I ?\<T & NOT$ D[N3 

#a7 ,I ?\<T AB\T DEA?--H[ /RANGE IT IS ?AT ONE DOES NOT WANT TO DIE1 AL?\< NO?+ HOLDS ONE--& ,I ?\<T ( PRISON]S :O HAVE BECOME SO AT HOME 9 !IR PRISONS ?AT !Y DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE !M = FRE$OM & >E EV5.<#a#g#c.> AFRAID TO4 ,& SO WE HAVE BECOME AT HOME 9 ! PRISON ( \R LIFE & >E AFRAID ( FRE$OM4 

#b7 ,WE HAVE BE5 S5T H]E TO DO ! WORK ( ,GOD4 ,9 ?IS S5SE1 H[ GOOD IS ! P>ABLE AB\T ! S]VANTS :O 9 ! ABS5CE ( !IR MA/]1 SQU&] HIS =TUNE AWAY 9/EAD ( DO+ HIS WORK4 

#c7 ,:5 Y\ >E ANGRY1 :5 Y\ DO NOT LOVE SOME ONE1 KN[ ?AT IT IS NOT Y\1 BUT A DREAM1 A NI<TM>E1 A MO/ HORRIBLE NI<TM>E4 ,AS :5 !Y /OP M[+ 9 ORD] NOT TO SPOIL ! GRASS1 SO IT IS H]E4 ,ONE \<T TO PRAY4 

,ROZANOV DISCUSSES ,M5%IKOV & MAKES FUN ( HIM4.<#b#e#c.> ,H[ 444 7,I HAVE =GOTT57 MADE FUN ( ,NI*OLAI1 BUT HE REMA9$ SIL5T & SMIL$ AT ME GAILY4 ,H[ T\*+ ?IS ALWAYS IS4 

,NOV4 #b#b1 ,Y4 ,P4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,NOV4 #b#b1 ,Y4 ,P4 

,I SAW V]Y CLE>LY 9 A DREAM1 H[ ,TANIA FELL FROM A HORSE1 HAS BROK5 H] HEAD1 IS DY+1 & ,I CRY OV] H]4 

,NOV4 #b#d1 ,Y4 ,P4 

444 ,YE/]DAY & TO-DAY ,I PREP>$ SOME *APT]S TO S5D !M (F TO ,MAUDE.<#b#e#d.> & TO ,GROT4 ,!RE HAVE BE5 NO LETT]S = A LONG TIME EI!R FROM ,MAUDE1 OR FROM ,*]TKOV4 ,TO-DAY.<#a#g#d.> !RE WAS A NICE LETT] FROM ,GALIA4 ,EXQUISITE WEA!R2 ,I TOOK A WALK F> ON ! ,TULA ROAD4 

,9 ! MORN+ ,I WORK$ S]I\SLY REVIS+ ,>T4 ,YE/]DAY ,I WORK$ ON ,HAJJI ,MURAD4 ,IT SEEMS CLE>4 

,DUR+ ?IS TIME ,I ?\<T3 

#a7 ,:AT A /RANGE FATE3 AT ADOLESC5CE--ANXIETIES1 PASSIONS BEG91 & Y\ ?9K3 ,I WILL M>RY & IT WILL PASS4 ,& 9DE$ IT DID PASS ) ME1 & = A LONG P]IOD1 #ah YE>S1 !RE WAS PEACE4 ,!N !RE COMES ! /RIV+ TO *ANGE LIFE & AGA9 ! SET-BACK4 ,!RE IS /RUGGLE1 SUFF]+1 & AT ! 5D1 SOME?+ LIKE A HAV5 & A RE/4 ,BUT YET IT WASN'T SO4 ,! MO/ DIFFICULT HAS BEGUN & CONT9UES & PROBABLY WILL ACCOMPANY ME UNTO DEA?4444 

#b7 ,IT W\LD BE EASY TO TREAT ]R+ PEOPLE MILDLY1 SIMPLY1 PATI5TLY1 ) COMPASSION1 IF !SE PEOPLE W\LD NOT >GUE & W\LD NOT >GUE 9 SU* A TRU?-LIKE FA%ION4 ,ONE HAS TO ANSW] !SE >GUM5TS SOMEH[ OR O!R1 & ?IS Y\ CANNOT /&4 

#c7 ,EA* ( US IS 9 SU* A CONDITION ?AT :E!R HE WANTS TO OR DOES NOT WANT TO1 HE HAS TO DO SOME?+1 TO WORK4 ,EV]Y ONE ( US IS ON ! TREADMILL4 ,! QUE/ION LIES ONLY 9 ?IS1 ON :I* /EP WILL Y\ /&8 

,NOV4 #b#e4 ,Y4 ,P4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

.<#a#g#e.> 

,NOV4 #b#e1 ,Y4 ,P4 

444 ,CORRECT$ ,>T1 IT IS PRETTY GOOD2 WROTE A LETT] TO ,MAUDE4 ,A GOOD LETT] FROM ,GALIA4 

,HAVE BE5 ?9K+3 

#a7 ,IT ALWAYS SEEMS TO US ?AT WE >E LOV$ BECAUSE WE >E GOOD1 BUT IT DOES NOT OCCUR TO US ?AT WE >E LOV$ BECAUSE !Y :O LOVE US >E GOOD4 ,?IS CAN BE SE5 IF Y\ LI/5 TO :AT ?AT MIS]ABLE1 DISGU/+ & VA9 MAN SAYS :OM ) A GREAT EF=T Y\ HAVE PITI$3 HE SAYS ?AT HE IS SO GOOD Y\ C\LD NOT HAVE ACT$ O!RWISE4 ,! SAME ?+1 :5 Y\ >E LOV$4 

#b7 0,LOB/]S LIKE TO BE BOIL$ ALIVE40 ,?AT IS NO JOKE4 ,H[ (T5 DO Y\ HE> IT1 OR HAVE SAID IT Y\RSELF OR >E SAY+ IT3 ,MAN HAS ! CAPACITY ( NOT SEE+ ! SUFF]+ :I* HE DOES NOT WANT TO SEE4 ,& HE DOES NOT WANT TO SEE ! SUFF]+ :I* HE HIMSELF CAUSES4 ,H[ (T5 ,I HAVE HE>D IT SAID AB\T COA*M5 :O >E WAIT+1 AB\T COOKS1 LACKEYS1 PEASANTS AT !IR WORK1 ?AT !Y >E HAV+ A GOOD TIME--0,LOB/]S LIKE TO BE BOIL$ ALIVE40 

,NOV4 #b#f4 ,Y4 ,P4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,TO-DAY1 ,NOV4 #b#h1  
,Y4 ,P4 

,TWO DAYS ,I HAV5'T WRITT54 ,I AM /ILL BUSY ) ,>T & ! PREFACE TO ,C>P5T]4444 

,?IS MORN+ ,MAKOVITSKY >RIV$1 A NICE1 MILD1 CLEAN MAN4 ,HE TOLD ME MANY JOYFUL ?+S AB\T.<#a#g#f.> \R FRI5DS4 ,I W5T TO ,YAS5KI3 A LETT] FROM ,MAUDE1 A GOOD ONE1 & FROM ,GROT--NOT A GOOD ONE4.<#b#e#e.> 

,ALL !SE DAYS1 HAVE NOT BE5 9 A GOOD MOOD4 ,H[ TO BE 9 ,MOSC[ 9 SU* A /ATE8 

,HAVE BE5 ?9K+3 

#a7 ,(T5 IT HAPP5S ?AT Y\ >E SPEAK+ TO A MAN & SUDD5LY HE HAS A T5D]1 HAPPY EXPRESSION1 & HE BEG9S TO SPEAK TO Y\ 9 SU* A WAY ?AT Y\ ?9K HE IS GO+ TO TELL Y\ SOME?+ MO/ JOYFUL1 BUT IT TURNS \T--HE IS SPEAK+ AB\T HIMSELF4 ,ZAKH>N9.<#b#e#f.> AB\T HIS OP]ATION1 ,MA%5KA.<#b#e#g.> AB\T H] AUDI5CE ) ,FA!R ,AMBROSE.<#b#e#h.> & HIS WORDS4 

,:5 A MAN SPEAKS AB\T SOME?+ :I* IS V]Y NE> TO HIM1 HE =GETS ?AT ! O!R ONE IS NOT HE4 ,IF PEOPLE DO NOT SPEAK AB\T AB/RACT OR SPIRITUAL ?+S1 !Y ALL SPEAK NECESS>ILY AB\T !MSELVES1 & ?AT IS T]RIBLY T$I\S4 

#b7 ,Y\ DA% AB\T1 /RUGGLE--ALL BECAUSE Y\ WANT TO SWIM 9 Y\R [N CURR5T4 ,BUT ALONGSIDE ( Y\1 UNCEAS+ & NE> TO EV]Y ONE1 !RE FL[S ! DIV9E & 9F9ITE CURR5T ( LOVE1 9 ONE & ! SAME ET]NAL C\RSE4 ,:5 Y\ >E ?OR\<LY EXHAU/$ 9 Y\R ATTEMPTS TO DO SOME?+ = Y\RSELF1 TO SAVE Y\RSELF1 TO SECURE Y\RSELF--!N DROP ALL Y\R [N C\RSES1 ?R[ Y\RSELF 9TO ?AT CURR5T--& IT WILL C>RY Y\.<#a#g#g.> & Y\ WILL FEEL ?AT !RE >E NO B>RI]S1 ?AT Y\ >E AT PEACE =EV] & FREE & BLESS$4 

#c7 ,ONLY NOT TO LOVE ONESELF1 ONE'S V]Y SELF1 ONE'S [N ,LEO ,NI*OLAIEVI* 7,TOL/OY7--& Y\ WILL LOVE BO? ,GOD & PEOPLE4 ,Y\ >E ON FIRE & Y\ CAN'T HELP BUT BURN2 & BURN+ Y\ WILL SET FIRE TO O!RS & Y\ WILL FUZE ) ?AT O!R FIRE4 ,TO LOVE ONESELF MEANS TO BE NIGG>DLY ) ONE'S LI<T & TO PUT \T ! FIRE4 

#d7 ,:5 A MAN SAYS AN OBVI\S UNTRU? OR AN (F5SE TO Y\1 !N C]TA9LY HE DOESN'T DO IT FROM JOY3 & BO? >E V]Y DIFFICULT4 ,IF HE DOES IT !N EVID5TLY HE CAN'T DO O!RWISE1 & DO+ IT1 HE SUFF]S4 ,& Y\1 9/EAD ( PITY+ HIM1 GET ANGRY AT HIM4 ,ON ! CONTR>Y1 Y\ \<T TO TRY TO HELP HIM4 

#e7 ,! TRAG$Y ( A MAN K9DLY DISPOS$1 WI%+ ONLY ! GOOD1 :5 9 ?IS /ATE & = ?IS /ATE1 :I* HE CANNOT HELP BUT C\NT AS GOOD1 HE MEETS HISS+ MALICE & ! HATR$ ( PEOPLE4 

,NOV4 #b#h4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 ,Y4 ,P4 

,TO-DAY1 ,DEC4 #b4 ,Y4 ,P4 

,AGONIZ+1 SAD1 DEPRESS$ /ATE ( BODY & SPIRITUAL =CE1 BUT ,I KN[ ?AT ,I AM ALIVE & 9DEP5D5T ( ?IS CONDITION1 YET ,I FEEL ?IS 0SELF0 BUT LITTLE4444 

,I WAS BUSI$ ALL ?IS TIME ) CORRECTIONS &.<#a#g#h.> ADDITIONS TO ,>T4 ,! PR9CIPAL ?+ DUR+ ?IS TIME1 WAS ?AT ,DU%AN WAS H]E :OM ,I LOVE V]Y MU* & LE>N$ TO LOVE /ILL MORE4 ,TOGE!R ) ! ,SLAVONIAN ,POSR$NIK1 HE IS =M+ A C5T] ( A SMALL1 BUT ,I ?9K DIV9E WORK4.<#b#e#i.> ,FROM ,*]TKOV !RE IS /ILL NO NEWS4 

,AN ANGUI%1 A S(T1 MILD1 SWEET ANGUI%1 BUT YET AN ANGUI%4 ,IF ,I W]E )\T ! CONSCI\SNESS ( LIFE1 !N PROBABLY ,I W\LD HAVE HAD AN EMBITT]$ ANGUI%4 

,HAVE BE5 ?9K+3 

#a7 ,I WAS V]Y DEPRESS$ AT ! FE> ( VEXATION & SEV]E CONFLICTS1 & ,I PRAY$ ,GOD--PRAY$ ALMO/ )\T EXPECT+ AID1 BUT NEV]!LESS ,I PRAY$3 0,LORD1 HELP ME TO GO AWAY FROM ?IS4 ,RELEASE ME40 ,I PRAY$ LIKE ?IS1 !N ROSE1 WALK$ TO ! 5D ( ! ROOM & SUDD5LY ,I ASK$ MYSELF3 ,HAVE ,I NOT TO YIELD8 ,YES1 TO YIELD4 ,& ,GOD HELP$--,GOD :O IS 9 ME1 & ,I FELT LI<!>T$ & FIRM4 ,I 5T]$ ?AT DIV9E CURR5T :I* FL[S !RE ALONGSIDE ( US ALWAYS & TO :I* WE CAN ALWAYS GIVE \RSELVES :5 ?+S >E BAD4.<#b#f.> 

#b7 ,I HAD A TALK ) ,DU%AN4 ,HE SAID ?AT S9CE HE HAS BECOME 9VOLUNT>ILY MY REPRES5TATIVE 9 ,HUNG>Y1 !N H[ WAS HE TO ACT4 ,I WAS GLAD = ! OPPORTUNITY TO TELL HIM & TO CL>IFY IT TO MYSELF ?AT TO SPEAK AB\T ,TOL/OYANISM1 TO SEEK MY GUIDANCE1 TO ASK MY DECISION ON PROBLEMS1.<#a#g#i.> IS A GREAT & GROSS MI/AKE4 ,!RE IS NO ,TOL/OYANISM & HAS NEV] BE51 NOR ANY TEA*+ ( M9E2 !RE IS ONLY ONE ET]NAL1 G5]AL1 UNIV]SAL TEA*+ ( ! TRU?1 :I* = ME1 = US1 IS ESPECIALLY CLE>LY EXPRESS$ 9 ! ,GOSPELS4 ,?IS TEA*+ CALLS MAN TO ! RECOGNITION ( HIS FILIALITY TO ,GOD & !RE=E ( HIS FRE$OM OR HIS SLAV]Y 7CALL IT :AT Y\ WANT73 ( HIS FRE$OM FROM ! 9FLU5CE ( ! WORLD1 ( HIS SLAV]Y TO ,GOD1 ,HIS WILL4 ,& AS SOON AS MAN UND]/&S ?IS TEA*+1 HE 5T]S FREELY 9TO DIRECT COMMUNICATION ) ,GOD & HE HAS NO?+ & NO ONE TO ASK4 

,IT IS LIKE A MAN SWIMM+ 9 A RIV] ) AN 5ORM\S OV]FL[4 ,AS LONG AS ! MAN ISN'T 9 ! MIDDLE CURR5T1 BUT 9 ! OV]FL[1 HE HAS TO SWIM HIMSELF1 TO R[1 & H]E HE CAN BE GUID$ BY ! C\RSE TAK5 9 SWIMM+ BY O!R PEOPLE4 ,H]E ALSO ,I C\LD DIRECT PEOPLE :ILE ,I MYSELF APPROA* ! CURR5T4 ,BUT AS SOON AS WE 5T] ! CURR5T1 !N !RE IS NO GUIDE & CANNOT BE4 ,WE >E ALL C>RI$ ALONG BY ! /R5G? ( ! CURR5T1 ALL 9 ONE DIRECTION1 & ?OSE :O W]E BEH9D CAN BE 9 FRONT4 ,:5 A MAN ASKS :]E %ALL HE SWIM1 ?AT ONLY %[S ?AT HE HAS NOT YET 5T]$ ! CURR5T & ?AT HE FROM :OM HE ASKS1 IS A POOR GUIDE IF HE W]E UNABLE TO BR+ HIM 9TO ! CURR5T1 I4E41 TO ?AT /ATE 9 :I* IT IS IMPOSSIBLE--BECAUSE IT IS S5SELESS--.<#a#h.>TO ASK4 ,H[ ASK :]E TO SWIM1 :5 ! CURR5T ) IRRESI/IBLE =CE IS DRAW+ ME 9 A DIRECTION ?AT IS JOY\S TO ME8 

,PEOPLE :O SUBMIT !MSELVES TO A GUIDE1 :O HAVE FAI? 9 HIM & LI/5 TO HIM1 UND\BT$LY W&] 9 ! D>K TOGE!R ) !IR GUIDE4 

,I ?9K ,I HAVE F9I%$ ,>T4 

,DEC4 #c4 ,Y4 ,P4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,MY WORK ON ,>T HAS CLE>$ UP MU* = ME4 ,IF ,GOD COMM&S ME TO WRITE >TI/IC ?+S1 !Y WILL BE ALTOGE!R DIFF]5T ONES4 ,& TO WRITE !M IT WILL BE BO? EASI] & MORE DIFFICULT4 ,WE %ALL SEE4 

,TO-DAY1 ,DEC4 #f1 ,MOSC[4 

,ON ! #d? ,I W5T TO ,DOLGOE4.<#b#f#a.> ,I HAD A V]Y T5D] IMPRESSION FROM ! RU9$ H\SE2 A SW>M ( MEMORIES4 

,ALMO/ TWO DAYS ?AT ,I HAV5'T WRITT54 ,I ONLY PREP>$ ! *APT]S ON ,>T & PACK$ MY ?+S 444 ,I HAVE JOTT$ D[N NO?+4 ,I WOKE FEEL+ BADLY4 

,DEC4 #g1 ,MOSC[4 

444 ,I WAS AT ,/OROZH5KO'S4.<#b#f#b.> ,KASATK9 WAS H]E.<#b#f#c.> 9 ! EV5+4 ,I ASK$ = EXAMPLES4 ,9 ! MORN+ ,I CORRECT$ ,>T4 

,I JOTT$ D[N NO?+3 !RE IS MU* BU/LE4 ,HEAL? GOOD4 

,DEC4 #h1 ,MOSC[4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

.<#a#h#a.> 

,TO-DAY1 #a#a?4 

,I HAVE ALREADY SP5T SO MANY DAYS 9 ,MOSC[4 ,I HAVE DONE ALMO/ NO?+1 ONLY CORRECT$ ,>T4 ,A PILE ( PEOPLE & LETT]S4 ,?ANK ,GOD ! MO/ IMPORTANT IS GOOD1 I4E41 ,I HAVE DONE NO?+ ?AT ,I \<T NOT TO HAVE DONE4 ,TO-DAY ,I WROTE A LETT] TO ,GALI4 

,IT SEEMS TO ME ?AT ! DIVISIONS ( ,>T HAVE TURN$ \T JU/ AS !Y W]E BE=E4 

,A SAD IMPRESSION WAS PRODUC$ BY :AT ,N TOLD AB\T ,*]TKOV.<#b#f#d.> & BY ! LETT] ( ,IVAN ,MI*AILOVI*4 ,MOREOV]1 ,A1 ,B1 ,C1 ,D1--!Y >E ALL SUFF]+4 ,WELL1 IT IS =GIVABLE 9 !M1 BUT H[ CAN A ,*RI/IAN SUFF]8 

,DUR+ ?IS TIME ,N ,N'S CONDITION BECAME CLE>4 ,HE IS M5TALLY DISEAS$1 LIKE ALL PEOPLE :O >E NON-,*RI/IANS4 

,I HAVE CONS5T$ TO GIVE TO ,TR\BETSKOI BY 9/ALLM5TS4.<#b#f#e.> 

,A SAD LETT] FROM ,*]TKOV4 ,I WANT TO WRITE TO HIM4 

,DEC4 #a#b1 ,MOSC[4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,TO-DAY1 ! #a#c?4 ,MORN+4 

,I WROTE A LETT] TO ! ,*]TKOVS4 ,IT SEEMS TO ME ,I HAVE CORRECT$ ! #a#f? *APT] V]Y WELL4 

,YE/]DAY ,I READ ! CORRESPOND5CE ( ,Z ON ! SEX-PROBLEM & ,I WAS V]Y 9DIGNANT & ,I SPOKE DISAGREEABLY TO HIM AT ,RUSANOV'S4 

.<#a#h#b.> 

,RUSANOV HAS ! HEAD ( ,HAJJI ,MURAD4 ,?IS MORN+ ,I WANT$ TO WRITE  
,HAJJI ,MURAD--,I LO/ ! \TL9E4 

,I WROTE D[N SOME?+4 ,I N[ WANT TO WRITE \T ! !MES :I* >E WOR? :ILE & :I* CAN BE TREAT$ AS !Y \<T TO BE3 

#a7 ,S]GIUS1 #b7 ,ALEX&] ,I1 #c7 ,P]SIANN9OV1 #d7 ! TALE ( ,PETROVI*--! HUSB&1 :O DI$ A PILGRIM4 ,! FOLL[+ >E WORSE3 #e7 ! LEG5D ( ! DESC5T ( ,*RI/ 9TO HELL & ! RECON/RUCTION ( HELL1 #f7 A =G$ C\PON1 #g7 ,HAJJI ,MURAD1 #h7 ! SUB/ITUT$ *ILD1 #i7 ! DRAMA ( ! ,*RI/IAN RESURRECTION & P]HAPS #a7 ,RESURRECTION--! TRIAL ( A PRO/ITUTE1 #a#a7 7EXCELL5T7 A BRIG& KILL+ ! DEF5SELESS1 #a#b7 A MO!R1 #a#c7 AN EXECUTION 9 ,ODESSA4.<#b#f#f.> 

,IT IS DEPRESS+ 9 ! H\SE1 BUT ,I WANT TO BE & WILL BE JOY\S4 

,I AM GO+ TO WRITE \T ONLY TWO ?+S3 

#a7 ,?AT ! PHYSICAL UNION ) AN ACCID5TAL HUSB& IS ONE ( ! MEANS E/ABLI%$ BY ,GOD = ! SPREAD ( ,HIS TRU?3 = ! TE/+ & ! /R5G!N+ ( ! /RONG] & = ! 5LI<T5M5T ( ! WEAK]4 

#b7 ,= PEOPLE PR(ESS+ FILIALITY TO ,GOD1 NOT TO REJOICE 9 LIFE1 TO YE>N1 IS A DREADFUL S91 AN ]ROR4 ,IF Y\ UND]/OOD ?AT ! 5D ( LIFE IS ! ACTIVITY = ,GOD = NO P]SONAL 5DS1 !N NO?+ C\LD H9D] ?IS ACTIVITY1 C\LD HOLD IT.<#a#h#c.> BACK4 ,! MA9 ?+ IS ?AT LIFE WILLY-NILLY GOES =W>D TO ! BETT]3 ONE'S [N LIFE & ! LIFE ( ! WORLD4 ,H[ NOT REJOICE AT ?IS MOVEM5T8 ,ONE HAS ONLY TO REMEMB] ?AT LIFE IS MOVEM5T4 

,I WRITE & ,I SLEEP & !RE=E EXPRESS MYSELF BADLY4 ,UNTIL EV5+1 IF ,I LIVE4 

,TO-DAY1 ,DECEMB] #a#d1 ,MOSC[4 ,MORN+4 

,YE/]DAY ,I RECEIV$ AN UNPLEASANT LETT] FROM ,*]TKOV & S5T HIM AN ANSW] 7AB\T ! PUBLICATIONS74.<#b#f#g.> 

,! DAY BE=E YE/]DAY1 ,I READ ! CORRESPOND5CE ( ,Z AB\T SEX RELATIONS & BECAME VEX$ & W5T TO ! ,RUSANOVS' & MET ,Z !RE & %[$ MY CONDEMNATION ( HIM %>PLY4 ,?AT TORTUR$ ME & ,I WROTE HIM A NOTE YE/]DAY APOLOGIZ+ & ,I RECEIV$ A NICE ANSW] :I* T\*$ ME4 

,I FEEL V]Y ILL4 ,I AM 9 ! WOR/ MOOD & !RE=E AM DISSATISFI$ ) EV]Y?+ & CANNOT LOVE4 ,& JU/ N[ AM ?9K+3 

,WE F9D SICKNESS A BURD52 BUT SICKNESS IS A NECESS>Y GOOD CONDITION ( LIFE4 ,ONLY IT ALONE 7P]HAPS NOT ALONE1 BUT ONE ( ! MO/ IMPORTANT & G5]ALLY COMMON CONDITIONS7 PREP>ES US = DEA?1 I4E41 = \R CROSS+ OV] 9TO ANO!R LIFE4 ,!RE=E 9DE$ IT WAS S5T TO EV]Y ONE3 TO *ILDR51 TO ADULTS1 TO OLD PEOPLE1 BECAUSE ALL1 AT ALL.<#a#h#d.> AGES1 DIE4 ,& WE F9D IT BURD5SOME4 ,! FACT ?AT WE F9D SICKNESS BURD5SOME %[S ONLY ?AT WE DO NOT LIVE AS WE \<T TO3 BO? A TEMPOR>Y & AT ! SAME TIME AN ET]NAL LIFE--BUT WE LIVE ONLY A TEMPOR>Y LIFE4 

,SICKNESS IS ! PREP>ATION = ! CROSS+-OV] & !RE=E TO GRUMBLE AGA9/ SICKNESS IS JU/ ! SAME AS GRUMBL+ AGA9/ COLD & RA94 ,ONE \<T TO MAKE USE ( !M & NOT GRUMBLE4 ,9 FACT1 ONLY ?OSE :O LIVE PLAY+1 GET ANGRY AT ! RA91 BUT ?OSE :O LIVE S]I\SLY REJOICE AT IT4 ,! SAME ) SICKNESS4 ,MORE ?AN ?IS3 NOT ONLY SICKNESS BUT A BAD MOOD1 DISAPPO9TM5T1 SORR[S1 ALL !SE HELP TO DETA* ONESELF FROM ! WORLDLY & FACILITATE ! CROSS+-OV] 9TO ! NEW LIFE4 

,I AM N[ 9 SU* A /ATE ( CROSS+-OV]4 

,EV5+1 ! #a#d?4 

,! :OLE DAY ,I HAVE BE5 ILL & ,I AM 9 ! WOR/ MOOD4 ,I CANNOT MA/] MYSELF & EV]Y?+ IS DISAGREEABLE & BURD5SOME4 ,I DID NO?+4 ,I READ & TALK$4 

,DEC4 #a#e1 ,MOSC[4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,TO-DAY1 ,DECEMB] #a#g4 

,TO-DAY1 ,I AM /ILL 9 ! V]Y WOR/ SPIRITS4 ,I AM /RUGGL+ ) ILL-WILL4 ,I GAVE ! ESSAY AWAY4.<#b#f#h.> ,TELEGRAPH$ TO ,5GL&4 ,NO ANSW] AS YET4.<#b#f#i.> 

.<#a#h#e.> 

,A PILE ( PEOPLE H]E1 ALL EV5+4 ,TO-DAY ,I WROTE TWELVE LETT]S1 BUT DID NOT WORK AT ALL4 

,TO-DAY ,I ?\<T ! V]Y OLDE/ ?+3 ,?AT ONE \<T TO P]FECT ONESELF 9 LOVE1 9 :I* NO ONE CAN 9T]F]E & :I* IS V]Y 9T]E/+4 ,BUT LOVE IS NOT 9 EXCLUSIVE ATTA*M5TS1 BUT 9 A GOOD1 NOT 9 AN EVIL ATTITUDE TO EV]Y LIV+ BE+4 

,WROTE LETT]S3 #a7 ,PO%A1 #b7 ,MA%A1 #c7 ,IVAN ,MI*AILOVI*1 #d7 ,PR9CE ,VIAZEMSKY1 #e7 ,BOND>EV1 #f7 ,/RAKHOV1 #g7 ! S*OOL TEA*] ,ROB9SON1 #h7 ,PRIE/1 #i7 ,CROSBY1 #a7 ,*IZHOV1.<#b#g.> #a#a7 ,NI*OLAEV 9 ,KAZAN1 & #a#b7 ----.<#b#g#a.> 

,I AM F9I%+ ! NOTE-BOOK 9 A BAD MOOD4 ,TO-MORR[ ,I BEG9 A NEW ONE4 ,TO-DAY ,I AM ALSO DISPLEAS$ ) ! ESSAY ON >T4 

,! DI>Y ( ! YE> #a#h#i#g1  
,DEC4 #b#a1 '#i#g4 ,MOSC[4 

,I AM BEG9N+ A NEW NOTEBOOK1 ALMO/ 9 A NEW SPIRITUAL MOOD4 ,H]E >E ALREADY #e DAYS ?AT ,I HAVE DONE NO?+4 ,I AM ?9K+ \T ,HAJJI ,MURAD1 BUT ,I HAVE NO DESIRE OR CONFID5CE4 ,ON ,>T IS PR9T$4 ,*]TKOV IS DISPLEAS$ & ?OSE H]E ALSO4.<#b#g#b.> 

,YE/]DAY ,I RECEIV$ AN ANONYM\S LETT] ) A ?REAT TO KILL1 IF ,I DO NOT RE=M BY ! YE> #a#h#i#h2 TIME IS GIV5 ONLY UP TO #a#h#i#h4 ,I WAS BO? UNEASY & PLEAS$4.<#b#g#c.> 

.<#a#h#f.> 

,I AM SKAT+4 ,A SIGN ( AN 9ACTIVE MOOD IS ?AT ,I HAVE NOT$ D[N NO?+4 

,JU/ N[ ,I READ ?R\< ,*EKHOV'S1 ,ON A ,C>T4 ,EXCELL5T 9 EXPRESSIV5ESS1 BUT RHETORICAL AS SOON AS HE WANTS TO GIVE MEAN+ TO HIS /ORY4 ,!RE IS A REM>KABLE CLE>NESS 9 MY M9D1 ?ANKS TO MY BOOK ON >T4 

,DEC4 #b#f1 '#i#g4 ,MOSC[4 

,! DAY BE=E YE/]DAY ,I FELL ILL & ,I AM /ILL NOT WELL4.<#b#g#d.> ,I AM READ+ MU*4 ,MY HE>T IS HEAVY4 ,EV5+4 

,DEC4 #b#g1 '#i#g4 ,MOSC[4 ,IF ,I LIVE4 

,TO-DAY1 ,DEC4 #b#i1 '#i#g4 ,MOSC[4 ,MORN+4 

,I ?\<T ( ,HAJJI ,MURAD4 ,ALL DAY YE/]DAY A COM$Y-DRAMA1 0,! ,CORPSE10.<#b#g#e.> TOOK %APE4 ,I AM /ILL UNWELL4 ,YE/]DAY ,I WAS AT ,BEHRS'4.<#b#g#f.> 

,I HAVE RECEIV$ LETT]S ) ?REATS ( KILL+4 ,I REGRET ?AT !RE >E PEOPLE :O HATE ME1 BUT IT 9T]E/S ME LITTLE & IT DOESN'T DI/URB ME AT ALL4 

,HAVE JOTT$ D[N SOME?+4 

,A CONV]SATION ) ,N3 :AT A PITIABLE Y\?3 UND]/&+ EV]Y?+ & AT ! SAME TIME NOT HAV+ ! CAPACITY TO PUT ANY?+ 9 ! RI<T PLACE & !RE=E HE IS LIV+ 9 UNIMAG9ABLE CONFUSION4 

,HAVE BE5 ?9K+3 

#a7 ,!Y SAY USUALLY ?AT ,*RI/'S TEA*+1 !.<#a#h#g.> REAL ,*RI/'S TEA*+ 444 DE/ROYS ALL UNION1 ?AT IT IS A DISUNIT+ 09DIVIDUALISM40 ,H[ FALSE ?IS IS6 ,*RI/IANITY ONLY !RE=E PREA*ES P]SONAL SALVATION1 09DIVIDUALISM10 AS !Y SAY1 BECAUSE ?IS P]SONAL SALVATION IS 9DISP5SABLE1 ACCESSIBLE1 JOY\S TO ALL1 & !RE=E 9EVITABLY UNITES PEOPLE--NOT ME*ANICALLY BY ! PRESSURE ( =CE FROM )\T OR BY /IRR+ ) 0CULTURE10 BUT *EMICALLY BY AN 9N]1 9DISSOLUBLE UNION4 

#b7 ,SOMETIMES Y\ COMPLA9 ?AT !Y DO NOT LOVE Y\R S\L1 BUT LOVE OR DO NOT LOVE Y\R BODY1 & Y\ >E ANGRY AT !M1 CONDEMN+ !M1 BUT Y\ DO NOT SEE ?AT !Y CANNOT DO O!RWISE3 = !M Y\R S\L1 ! HOLY ( HOLIES ( Y\R S\L1 ?AT :I*--AS Y\ KN[--IS ! ONLY REAL ?+1 ! ONLY ?+ ?AT ACTS--IS NO?+1 BECAUSE IT IS 9VISIBLE1 LIKE ! *EMICAL RAYS ( ! SPECTRUM4 

#c7 ,!RE >E PEOPLE1 MA9LY WOM51 = :OM ! WORD IS ONLY ! MEANS = AN ATTA9M5T ( AN 5D1 & IT IS 5TIRELY DEVOID ( ITS FUNDAM5TAL SIGNIFICANCE :I* IS TO BE AN EXPRESSION ( REALITY4 ,!SE PEOPLE >E SOMETIMES T]RIBLY /RONG4 ,!IR ADVANTAGE IS LIKE ?AT :I* A MAN W\LD HAVE :O 9 F5C+ TOOK (F ! CORK FROM ! RAPI]4 ,HIS ADV]S>IES >E B\ND BY CONDITIONS ?AT 444 ,NO1 ! COMP>ISON IS NOT GOOD4 ,! BE/ ( ALL3 !Y >E LIKE A GAMBL] 9 C>DS1 A %>P]4 ,I WILL F9D ONE4 

.<#a#h#h.> 

,! EXAMPLES ( ?IS >E SU*3 A MAN WANTS1 = 9/ANCE1 TO /EAL2 HE TAKES O!R PEOPLE'S MONEY2 HE SAYS ?AT HE WAS *>G$ TO DO IT1 !Y ASK$ HIM TO1 & HE BELIEVES ?AT HE WAS ASK$ TO4 ,& ! PRO( ( ! UNTRU? ( HIS EVID5CE HE REFUTES ) A NEW LIE4 ,HE KILLS3 ! MURD]$ ONE SUFF]$ SO1 ?AT HE BEGG$ HIM TO KILL HIM4 ,HE WANTS TO DO SOME?+ NA/Y OR SOME?+ FOOLI%4 ,WELL1 TO TURN ALL ! FURNITURE UPSIDE D[N OR TO DEBAU*--& HE EXPLA9S 9 DETAIL1 H[ IT WAS RECOGNIZ$ BY DOCTORS1 ?AT IT WAS NECESS>Y TO DO ?IS P]IODICALLY1 ETC4 ,& HE CONV9CES HIMSELF ?AT IT IS SO4 ,BUT :5 ?IS PROVES TO BE NOT SO1 HE DOES NOT HE>1 HE BR+S =? HIS [N >GUM5TS & !N AT ONCE =GETS BO? HIS [N >GUM5TS & O!R PEOPLE'S4 ,!SE PEOPLE >E T]RIBLE1 HORRIBLE4 

#d7 ,! SPIRITUALI/S SAY ?AT AFT] DEA? ! S\L ( PEOPLE LIVES ON & COMMUNICATES ) !M4 ,SOLOVIEV1 ! FA!R1.<#b#g#g.> SAID TRULY1 ,I REMEMB]1 ?AT ?IS IS ! ,*UR* DOGMA ( SA9TS1 ( !IR 9T]CESSION & ( PRAY]S TO !M4 ,EVG5IE ,IVANOVI* ALSO SAID TRULY ?AT AS ! ,PA%KOV ,SECT IS A TAK+ \T ( ! DOGMA ( ! ,R$EMPTION ALONE & ! ADAPTATION ( EV]Y?+ TO IT1 SO SPIRITUALISM IS ! TAK+ \T ( ! DOGMA ( SA9TS1 & ! ADAPTATION ( EV]Y?+ TO IT4 

#e7 ,BUT ,I SAY ! FOLL[+ 9 REG>D TO ?IS DOGMA ( ! S\L3 ,:AT WE CALL ! S\L1 IS !.<#a#h#i.> DIV9E1 SPIRITUAL1 LIMIT$ 9 US 9 \R BODIES4 ,ONLY ! BODY LIMITS ?IS DIV9E1 ?IS SPIRITUAL4 ,& IT IS ?IS LIMIT+ :I* GIVES IT A =M LIKE A VESSEL GIVES =M TO A LIQUID OR A GAS :I* IS 5CLOS$ 9 IT4 ,BUT WE ONLY KN[ ?IS =M4 ,BREAK ! VESSEL & ?AT :I* IS 5CLOS$ 9 IT WILL CEASE TO HAVE ?AT =M :I* IT HAS & WILL SPREAD \T1 BE C>RI$ (F4 ,:E!R IT COMB9ES ) O!R MATT]1 :E!R IT RECEIVES A NEW =M--WE KN[ NO?+ AB\T ?IS1 BUT WE KN[ = A FACT ?AT IT LOSES ?AT =M :I* IT HAD :5 IT WAS LIMIT$1 BECAUSE ?AT :I* LIMIT$ IT WAS DE/ROY$4 ,! SAME ) ! S\L4 ,! S\L AFT] DEA? CEASES TO BE ! S\L & REMA9+ A SPIRIT1 A DIV9E ESS5CE1 BECOMES SOME?+ O!R1 SU* ?AT WE CANNOT JUDGE4 

,I WROTE ! PREFACE TO ,*]TKOV4.<#b#g#h.> 

,DEC4 #c4 ,MOSC[4 ,IF ,I LIVE4  

.<#a#i#a.> 

,FROM 3 ,GUT5B]G4ORG4 

,*RONOLOGY 3 
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,FEBRU>Y #a#i1 #bag 3 #ahig -- ,ADD$4 

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