,TO DEA?1 ! LOVE ( MY LIFE 

,PEOPLE 3 

,AU?OR 3 ,ANONYM\S 

,TEXT 3 

,I'M /&+ BY ! $GE ( ! RIV]4 ,MY B>E FEET G5TLY T\* ! SURFACE ( ! CRISPY MUL* LEAN+ AGA9/ ! COLD SOLID ROCKS4 ,FROM MY SK9 RISES A SL[ PLIANT /EAM FOLL[+ EV]Y MOVEM5T ,I MAKE AS ,I WALK FUR!R D[N4 ,AS SL[LY AS ,I CAN ,I IMM]SE MYSELF 9 ! D>K WAT]S4 ,I WANT TO FEEL IT ALL1 ! FULLNESS ( EV]Y T9Y /EP4 

,IT'S LATE FALL1 & ! MOON IS CLOSE TO D>K4 ,AMANITAS & ,LIB]TY CAPS HAS BE5 GA!R+ 9 WIT* R+S & %IT DUNGS ALL >\ND MY CAB94 ,I KNEW ?IS WAS ! TIME1 & ,I FELT ?AT ! SAUNA WAS ! OBVI\S *OICE4 ,SO1 ONE BY ONE1 CAP & /EM1 ,I HAD PUT !M UND] MY TONGUE1 LET ?OSE WEIRD MYCELIAL CREATURES S9K ?R\< ! FLOOR ( MY M\?1 P5ETRATE MY 9TE/9AL WALL1 5T] MY BLOOD /REAM & EV5TUALLY WRAP !IR FUNGAL ?READS >\ND ! ROOTLETS ( MY PREFRONTAL CORTEX4 

,I PAUSE = A MOM5T1 LEAN MY HEAD BACK & LOOK RI<T UP4 ,ABOVE ME ! />S HAVE NO /REET LI<TS NOR MOON TAK+ OV] ! %[4 ,& ,I DIDN'T EV5 KN[4 ,I ?\<T ,I KNEW1 BUT APP>5TLY NOT4 ,CAUSE ! SKY WAS NEV] ?IS CLE> BACK !N 9 ! S\? ( :AT !Y CALL SW$54 ,NO ONE TOLD ME ?AT ! SKY C\LD BE ?IS D>K4 

,! FRO/ BR\<T EV]Y?+ D[N ! LA/ C\PLE ( DAYS4 ,SOME ,VAL]IANS & ,MEAD[SWEETS /ILL HANG >\ND BESIDE ME1 BUT LOOK QUITE SCRUFFY & RAGG$4 ,ALL !IR /OR$ UP 5]GY SP5T 9 A RU% JU/ TO PRODUCE (FSPR+ & S5D !M (F 9TO ! SURR\ND+ L&SCAPE ( DIRT4 ,A M9OR PEAK EV]Y?+ IT SEEMS1 FOLL[+ A BREAKD[N & SUDD5 COLLAPSE4 ,I REALIZE3 ?IS IS BRUTALITY4 ,NATURE IS BRUTAL & VIOL5T4 ,CIVILIZATION CREAT$ NO?+ ( ?IS4 ,IT JU/ BR\<T IT UP TO A BIGG] SCALE & HI<] SPE$ ) EV]Y NEW M$IUM"9 IT BUILT UPON ! O!R4 ,& ,I KN[1 ! WE$S KN[1 SOME?+ ?AT ,I DON'T KN[1 SOME?+ ?AT ,I %\LD KN[1 BUT NO ONE EV] LET ME4 

,EV]Y:]E ,I LOOK >\ND ME ,I SEE DEA? & DECAY4 ,?IS IS SOMEH[ NEW GR\ND = ME2 ?IS FALL 9TO ! D>K4 ,SOME?+ MY RELATIVES OR TEA*]S DIDN'T %[ ME4 ,!Y SAID !RE WAS NO NE$ TO LET GO ( ALL ?OSE ?+S ANY LONG] & LET MY M9D W&] D[N 9TO ?IS OLD D>K & /AGNANT E>?4 ,IT WAS SOME?+ ( ! PA/1 !Y SAID4 ,N[ Y\ HAVE ALL ?IS TE*NOLOGY GIV+ Y\ ! POSSIBILITY ( *OOS+ Y\R [N WEA!R4 ,Y\ CAN HAVE SUMM] ALL YE> >\ND IF Y\ WANT4 ,& IF Y\ JU/ PLAY ! GAME RI<T Y\ CAN HAVE ! MO/ COM=TABLE B$ Y\ CAN DREAM (4 ,Y\ CAN HAVE A W>M & COZY %[] EV]Y MORN+ & EAT :ATEV] Y\'D LIKE4 ,Y\ CAN DESIGN Y\R [N BODY 9 Y\R [N UNIQUE FA%ION & TRAVEL ALL OV] ! WORLD4 ,:Y BO!R AB\T FREEZ+ LIKE SOME PO9TLESS BITT] WE$ /UCK AMONG ! DEBRIS ( ! PA/ DO+ NO?+ :5 Y\ CAN BE A SWEET FL[]+ /> CLIMB+ T[>DS ! 5DLESS SUMM]8 ,Y\ C\LD REA* SO F>1 SO F>4 

,BUT /ILL DEA? IS SO REAL1 RI<T H]E1 RI<T N[1 SL[LY LICK+ MY ?I<S4 ,SO :AT DO ,I DO ) IT8 ,EV]YBODY H]E SEEMS TO KN[ EXCEPT US4 ,I MEAN US HUMANS4 ,! TREES DROP ALL !IR LEAVES4 ,! ,CUCKOOS FLY TO ! S\?4 ,! ,FOXES *ANGE !IR COATS4 ,! ,VAL]IANS S9K 9TO !IR ROOT4 ,!Y ALL KN[ EXACTLY :AT TO DO4 ,!Y'VE DONE ?IS MANY TIMES BE=E1 & ,I HAVE NOT4 ,I'VE ALWAYS HAD ! FRE$OM TO GO HOME & /ICK >\ND 9 ! COM=TABLE ZONE F> AWAY FROM ?OSE BITT] EXP]I5CES & LURK+ D>K %AD[S4 ,I WAS PRIVILEG$1 !Y SAID4 ,EV]Y?+ ,I NE$$ TO GET >\ND ,I HAD4 ,9 FACT1 IT WAS JU/ DELIV]$ RI<T 9TO MY H&S EI!R 9 PIPES OR TRUCKS1 WRAPP$ 9 PLA/IC OR CRAMM$ 9 J>S4 ,BUT ! ROOT WAS ALWAYS HIDD54 ,! DIRTY GR\ND ( MY EXI/5CE WAS ABS5T FROM ME & MY DIRECT EXP]I5CE4 ,& :5 ,I WAS DONE1 EV]Y?+ WAS JU/ CLEAN$ UP & FLU%$ D[N OR ?R[N 9 ! TRA% & TRANSPORT$ (F SOME:]E ELSE4 ,I GUESS ,I WAS CURI\S AB\T H[ IT WAS LIKE ON ! O!R SIDE1 :AT ! ORIG9 ( MY BODY REALLY WAS1 & :]E IT LAT] DISAPPE>$4 ,IT'S JU/ BASIC ?+S REALLY4 

,SO ,I LEFT4 ,EV]Y?+ WAS *AOTIC ANYWAY4 ,! TRIP TO ,S\? ,AM]ICA1 & ! 9TOXICATION ( ! 0V9E ( DEA?0 !Y CALL$ ,AYAHUASCA1 HAD BROK5 ME D[N COMPLETELY4 ,! OLD /RUCTURE ( MY M9D HAD BE5 TORN AP>T1 SABOTAG$ & SWALL[$ :OLE1 & N[ MY PHYSICAL REALITY HAD TO GO ! SAME WAY4 ,IT DIDN'T REALLY FEEL LIKE A DECISION4 ,! RELATION%IP ,I WAS 9 AT ! MOM5T WAS ALSO 9 SOME =M ( COLLAPS+ /ATE1 & S9CE MY GIRLFRI5D LIV$ 9 A COLLECTIVE ) MO/ ( MY FRI5DS !Y ALSO SLIPP$ AWAY EV5TUALLY4 ,AT ! SAME TIME MY AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE1 :I* MADE MY RECTUM - MY [N ROOT - BLE$1 GOT WORSE4 ,MY DEPRESSION DEEP5$1 & MY B&1 ?AT US$ TO BE EV]Y?+ TO ME1 SEEM$ TO BE ON ITS WAY ( DISSOLV+4 ,SO ,I F9ALLY JU/ GAVE AWAY OR SOLD MO/ ( MY /UFF1 PACK$ MY BACKPACK & />T$ HIT*HIK+ NOR?4 ,I HAD TO GO F9D SOME?+ ELSE1 :ATEV] IT WAS4 ,I HAD NO?+ BUT ?IS VAGUE DREAM2 ?IS DREAM AB\T SOME?+ O!RLY4 ,I WAS LIKE PULL$ & BEWIT*$ BY ?IS O!R4 ,IT WAS ALMO/ LIKE A =CE 9 ITSELF DRAGG+ ME \T2 \T ( ! CITY & \T ( MY M9D4 

,ALMO/ EV]Y DAY REC5TLY TRUCKS HAVE BE5 PASS+ BY ?R\< ! VILLAGE4 ,>RIV+ EMPTY FROM ! CITY1 PASS+ ! BRIDGE1 OV] ! RIV]1 \T ON ! O!R SIDE1 & !N RETURN+ FULL ( TIMB] ON !IR BUMP+ WAY BACK4 ,?IS IS NOT SPECTACUL> NEWS ?AT WILL 5D UP ON ! FRONT PAGE ( SOME HIP NEWSPAP] 9 T[N1 BUT ?IS IS A V]Y REAL ?+ = US LIV+ H]E4 ,?IS IS ! DAILY REALITY ,I FAC$ ON ! O!R SIDE ( ! URBAN S\?1 ! O!R SIDE ( ! CITY WALLS1 & ! O!R SIDE ( ALL ?OSE M$IUMS H&+ ?+S OV] TO ME FROM ! O!R SIDE4 

,& AS ,I /& H]E HALFLY COV]$ 9 ! RAW BIT+ COLD1 TRY+ TO ?9K ( NO?+1 TRY+ TO SL[LY SURR5D] MYSELF TO ! OLD D>K WISDOM ( ?IS D>K5$ MOON1 ,I CANNOT /OP ?9K+ AB\T ! LETT] ?AT'S BE5 ON MY M9D EV] S9CE4 ,IT READ 0,LOGG+ NOTIFICATION ( ,A #bhg #eci 04 ,!Y WANT TO CUT IT D[N6 ,IT'S N[ (FICIAL4 ,?IS OLD GR[? =E/ RI<T H]E1 RI<T ON ! O!R SIDE ( ?IS RIV] :]E ,I N[ /&4 ,!Y'RE GONNA CUT D[N & %OVEL AWAY ! ONLY ONES LEFT :O REALLY KN[ ! >T ( DY+ & TURN !M 9TO TOILET PAP] & TAMPONS = US CIVILIZ$ TO WIPE UP \R DIRTY ASS4 ,SO ?IS IS :]E IT ALL COMES FROM4 ,?IS IS ! DIRTY ROOT ( EV]Y?+4 ,?IS IS ! O!R SIDE1 ! D[NSIDE & BACKSIDE1 ( ! M$IAT$ >TIFICIAL SUMM] ,I GREW UP 94 ,?IS IS :]E ALL ! ?+S 9 ! PIPES1 TRUCKS1 PLA/IC BAGS & J>S COME FROM4 ,!SE >E ! M\NTA9S ?AT BECOME SOL> PANELS & SM>TPHONES4 ,?IS IS ! DAMM$ RIV] ( BLOODY SALMON M9CE NICELY CONV]T$ 9TO A R5EWABLE 5]GY S\RCE = ! CLEAN & GRE5-WA%$ S\?4 ,?IS IS MY ROOT1 & IT IS BLE$+4 ,N[ ,I SEE1 REALLY CLE>4 ,IT'S RI<T H]E1 RI<T N[ ) NO WALLS OR M$IUMS 9 BETWE54 ,! O!R SIDE IS ! S\RCE & BUILD+ BLOCKS ( EV]Y?+ ! CITY IS4 ,IT'S CALL$ COLONIALISM1 & IT'S ! F\NDATIONAL /RUCTURE ( CIVILIZATION4 

,! WAT] IS AB\T TO REA* MY *E/ AS ,I TURN MY HEAD UP FAC+ WE/1 SEE+ AN EMPTY PACK ( CIG>ETTES LY+ B5EA? ! BRIDGE ON TOP ( ! ?9 SN[ CRU/4 ,SOMEONE MU/ HAVE ?R[N IT \T ( ! C>4 ,I CAN'T /OP />+4 ,IT'S SO OBVI\S ?AT IT DOESN'T FIT ! PICTURE2 RI<T !RE 9 BETWE5 ?IS ANCI5T BODY ( 9T]TW9$ BEAUTY & ME4 ,LIKE A MOLDY /A9 ON ! W9D[ PANE ( SOME FANCY %OPP+ MALL1 BUT REALLY QUITE ! OPPOSITE4 ,IT SEEMS LIKE FROM ! 9SIDE PEOPLE T5D TO VIEW ?+S DIFF]5TLY4 ,FROM ?AT SIDE ( ! L9E Y\ T5D TO DEF9E :AT'S ON ! O!R SIDE AS SOME?+ DANG]\S1 BAD1 WRONG OR MAD1 :I* ( C\RSE HAS NO?+ TO DO ) Y\R [N LIFE & ID5TITY4 ,IT'S JU/ SOME?+ ELSE2 A %AD[2 A PROBLEM YET TO BE SOLV$4 ,CAUSE1 \T !RE1 ON ! O!R SIDE1 IS :]E ALL ! SCUMS ( SOCIETY RESIDE :O JU/ WANT TO TA9T & V&ALIZE EV]Y?+ WE'VE WORK$ SO H>D TO REALIZE4 ,DON'T GO !RE4 ,:Y W\LD Y\ GO !RE8 ,DO Y\ REALLY WANNA BECOME A /A9 ) ALL ?OSE GOOD GRADES ALL 9 VA98 ,>E Y\ 9SANE OR :AT8 

,BUT H[ CAN Y\ SEE ?AT ! :OLE DAMN MA*9]Y IS JU/ AS MISPLAC$ AS ! PACK ( CIG>ETTES >E TO ME1 & ?AT ! /A9 ON ! W9D[ PANE ACTUALLY IS ! BEG9N+ ( A LONG HEAL+ PROCESS ( BREAK+ D[N /AGNAT$ TISSUES ( ! E>?1 IF Y\'VE NEV] SE5 ?+S FROM ! O!R SIDE ( ! P]SPECTIVE8 ,WELL1 Y\ CAN'T REALLY4 ,ONLY 9 !ORY1 & ?AT'S JU/ BULL%IT ANYWAY4 ,! ONLY REAL WAY TO KN[ :AT IS GO+ ON \T !RE IS TO CROSS ! ?RE%OLD & EXP]I5CE IT = Y\RSELF 9 Y\R [N BODY GO+ BACK & =?1 BACK & =?1 LE>N+ & =GETT+ NEW ?+S EV]Y TIME Y\ LEAVE4 

,& :AT ,I'VE SE5 IS ?AT ?OSE MIS]ABLE & UNLUCKY ONES ?AT SOMEH[ 5D$ UP 9 ! DIRT ON 0! WRONG SIDE ( LIFE 0 ACTUALLY >E ! BE/ ( ALLIES & AMONG ! MO/ LOV+ & 9T]E/+ CREATURES ,I'VE MET4 ,!Y T5D TO BE DEF9$ AS SOME444 

WILD PRIMITIVE B>B>\S SAVAGES 
DIRTY FIL?Y VIOL5T ABSURD 
WEIRD PSY*OTIC & M5TALLY DI/URB$ 
LIKE WIT*ES QUE]S & POISON\S WE$S 
\TLAWS RIOT]S & MASK$ UP ?IEVES 

,FROM ! 9SIDE Y\ SAY ?AT ?IS IS OKAY BUT ?AT IS NOT1 ?AT ?IS IS US BUT ?AT'S SOME?+ ELSE1 ?AT ?IS IS A BOY & ?AT IS A GIRL1 ?AT ?IS IS ! FUTURE BUT ?AT'S ( ! PA/1 ?AT ?IS IS M9D & ?AT DOESN'T MATT]4 ,SOME EV5 SAY ?AT DEA? IS A PROBLEM SOMEONE %\LD SOLVE4 ,& ,I'M NOT SAY+ ?AT DEA? IS BETT] ?AN LIFE AT ALL1 :I* W\LD BE AN ABSURD IDEA 9DE$4 ,:AT ,I'M TRY+ TO SAY IS ?AT DEA? IS ! LOVE ( MY LIFE4 ,! COLD IS ! W>ME/ FRI5D4 ,! UP & ! D[N1 ! 9 & ! \T1 ! ONE & ! O!R1 ! HI< & ! L[4 ,!Y'RE ALL JU/ P>T ( ! EBB & FL[ LIKE ! PEAKS & ! VALLEYS ( ONE & ! SAME TONE4 ,?AT IS TO SAY ?AT EV]Y?+ IS ONE1 & EV]Y?+ IS CONNECT$ TO EV]Y?+ ELSE4 ,LIKE ! FL[] TO ITS ROOT4 ,!RE IS NO CLE> SEP>ATION OR DIVID+ L9E BETWE5 ! ONE & ! O!R SIDE4 ,IT'S JU/ A MY? CONT9UALLY P]PETUAT$ BY ! M$IUMS 9 BETWE5 R5OVAT+ & DI/ORT+ ! MESSAGE4 

,IT SEEMS LIKE ! M$IAT+ TE*NOLOGIES >E MANIFE/+ SOME SORT ( WALL BUILD+ A *ASM & SEP>ATION BETWE5 ! ONE & ! O!R SIDE 7& EV]Y O!R K9D ( DUALITY7 R$I/RIBUT+ TIME & SPACE UNEV5LY4 ,SO1 ON ! ONE SIDE1 EV]Y?+ EXP&S & ACCEL]ATES1 & ON ! O!R SIDE EV]Y?+'S REPRESS$ & EXPLOIT$1 :I* MEANS ?AT ! 9SIDE GETS OV]LOAD$ :ILE ! \TSIDE IS UND]M9$ 7BUT ! PEOPLE :O IS 9SIDE & ABOVE NEV] SEEM TO REALIZE ?AT !IR WAY ( LIFE IS GA9$ AT ! EXP5SE ( EV]Y?+ ?AT IS \TSIDE & BEL[74 ,?IS MEANS ?AT AS ! /EM GR[ FA/ & TALL ! ROOTS BECOME %ALL[ & SMALL4 ,IT'S EI!R TOO MU* OR TOO LITTLE :]EV] Y\ GO1 SO ,I WANNA KN[4 ,H[ DO ,I DO IT8 ,H[ DO ,I DIE & WAKE UP & DIE & WAKE UP YET AGA98 ,& :]E >E MY ROOTS8 ,:]E >E ! ELD]S ?AT KN[ !SE ?+S8 ,CAUSE IF WE >E TO 9HABIT ?IS WORLD ) ANY K9D ( DEC5CY WE HAVE TO BE ABLE TO GO ?R\< \R [N DEA?4 ,?AT'S :AT HEAL+ IS AB\T1 :AT AN>*Y & RESI/ANCE REALLY MEANS1 & ! ONLY WAY TO 05LI<T5M5T0 = ME4 ,IT'S AB\T FALL+ AP>T & LETT+ GO4 ,:AT'S BE5 BUILT UP HAS TO COME D[N4 ,EV]Y?+ NE$S ITS APOCALYPSE1 & ! #c#gSOON] ! BETT]4 ,?AT'S :AT ! O!R SIDE HAS BE5 %[+ ME4 ,?AT'S :AT ! CIVILIZ$ CULTURE JU/ DOESN'T SEE4 

,CAUSE 9 !RE1 9SIDE ?IS URBAN MONO-CULTURE ( HUMANS 9 BOXES & /RAI<T L9ES1 Y\ T5D TO BECOME SO N>R[-M9D$LY BL9D 9 TRY+ TO F9D Y\R [N UNIQUE DESIGN TO BUILD ?AT GREAT & HAPPY LIFE1 ?AT Y\ SIMPLY MISS TO MISS & =GET TO =GET1 :5 ALL ! ABS5CE IS ABS5T1 & DEA? IS DEPORT$ & C5SOR$ \T4 ,9 !RE1 DEA? IS NOT A P>T ( ! DAY TO DAY LIFE4 ,IT'S DI/ANT1 SO F> (F & \T ( Y\R REA* ?AT Y\'LL NEV] REALLY HAVE TO CONFRONT IT4 ,! M$IUMS H&LE IT = Y\4 ,!Y GO \T ON ! O!R SIDE & GET Y\ :AT Y\ WANT4 ,!Y TAKE C>E ( ! VIOL5T1 UNCOM=TABLE & DIRTY WORK = Y\ SO ?AT Y\ CAN L5D Y\R LIFE TO MORE POSITIVE1 CREATIVE & LIFE-AFFIRM+ ?+S 9/EAD4 

,SO MO/ ( ! PEOPLE 9 !RE DON'T SEEM TO SEE ?AT ! PA? T[>DS A HAPPY LIFE 9 SANITY1 WISDOM1 HEAL?1 VITALITY1 FRE$OM1 LI<T1 LOVE & EC/ASY & :ATEV] GOOD & POSITIVE WORDS Y\ CAN POSSIBLY IMAG9E TO BE1 IS ALSO ! PA? T[>DS DEA? SIMULTANE\SLY 7& !RE= ALSO T[>DS MADNESS1 EMPT9ESS1 SICKNESS1 SORR[1 BOR$OM1 CONFLICT1 VIOL5CE1 D>KNESS & SO ON74 ,BUT ! ONLY WAY TO WID5 ! LI<T IS TO EXPLORE ! D>K4 ,! ONLY WAY TO GR[ UP /RONG IS TO S9K D[N L[ & EXP& \R ROOTS \T 9 ! UNKN[N4 ,WE CANNOT FLEE IT4 ,IT'S \R ONLY COMMON GR\ND4 ,DEA? IS AT ! TIP ( \R ROOTS4 ,IT'S :]E WE COME FROM1 & IT'S H]E TO /AY4 

,I TAKE A LA/ GLIMPSE ( ! O!R SIDE TAK+ A PISS BE=E 5T]+ ! SAUNA AGA94 ,& AS ,I /& !RE PISS+ \T ! REMA9S ( MY [N SUBV]T$ /AGNATIONS MY M9D SUDD5LY CUDDLE UP 9 />FL[]S4 

,FROM 3 ,!,AN>*I/,LIBR>Y4ORG4 

,*RONOLOGY 3 
,JANU>Y #c#a1 #bba 3 ,TO DEA?1 ! LOVE ( MY LIFE -- ,ADD$4 
,JANU>Y #g1 #bbb 3 ,TO DEA?1 ! LOVE ( MY LIFE -- ,UPDAT$4 

 FILE G5]AT$ FROM 3  
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